AIBU to think the teenage years are going to be hard?

[Pinkwithwhite]

We have 2 children, I want 3 at least but reading another thread and someone made a comment about how easy the baby/toddler stage is compared to the teenage years.
I've never thought about having 3 teenagers!
Please what is it like? How hard is it? No one has never said anything about the teenage years, and when I think what we were like as teens I think how on earth will we cope?!

Im dreading the teenage years.

My 10 year old DS1 has ADHD. He's already difficult to manage. Can be amazing fun. But argues with every little thing and its exhausting.

My 7 year old DS2 is absolutely lovely full of joie de vivre but is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

I think it's well worth checking your baby mania against future reality!
Teens are demanding years, they still need a lot of parenting love and support but as a parent you have to change too. Plus they're expensive, food, phones, university perhaps, they also take up quite a lot of space. We've been hugely fortunate and ours are great company and we haven't had to deal with much negative stuff. I've thoroughly enjoyed the teens but not all parents do.

I've got two DC who are 20 and 17. It's definitely true that you reap what you sew. With my youngest there has been a couple of occasions where I've had to put my foot down and tell him he can't do something. He's 6'2 and looks like an adult, and at the time was seriously pissed of with me as he couldn't see it from my point of view. He didn't speak to me for a couple of days but the really important thing is that he respected my wishes anyway.
You have to still parent them through the tricky stage where they look like an adult but don't always make wise decisions. If there's love and respect there it will always work out.

So many posters seem to think having easy teens is all down to their brilliant parenting...yes, boundaries help. Yes your parenting will have an impact. But a huge amount is down to their innate personality imo. I hear so many parents describe how they have one easy kid and one who's much harder to parent...how can that be if they're brought up in the same house?

My ds is naturally pessimistic and morose...he is just like my father and his father also. It's a trait in the men in my family. However, they died before my ds was born so its not like hes been influenced directly by them.

I’ve loved having teens!

@Comedycook

So many posters seem to think having easy teens is all down to their brilliant parenting...yes, boundaries help. Yes your parenting will have an impact. But a huge amount is down to their innate personality imo. I hear so many parents describe how they have one easy kid and one who's much harder to parent...how can that be if they're brought up in the same house?

My ds is naturally pessimistic and morose...he is just like my father and his father also. It's a trait in the men in my family. However, they died before my ds was born so its not like hes been influenced directly by them.

Agree. There is a poor woman on another thread whose teen DD is self harming, and she is blaming herself. I don;t think setting boundaries and parenting brilliantly would have helped her much.

@Comedycook

So many posters seem to think having easy teens is all down to their brilliant parenting...yes, boundaries help. Yes your parenting will have an impact. But a huge amount is down to their innate personality imo. I hear so many parents describe how they have one easy kid and one who's much harder to parent...how can that be if they're brought up in the same house?

My ds is naturally pessimistic and morose...he is just like my father and his father also. It's a trait in the men in my family. However, they died before my ds was born so its not like hes been influenced directly by them.

Agree with this. We have parented all of our four the same but one just seems to be more inheritantly reckless than the others in all respects - slight gambling problem, has crashed his car and caused us a lot of worry, spends money like it's going out of fashion etc. Next one down is so sensible with money, verging on being tight, very sensible and a saver, yet we've brought them up pretty much the same. I think it's just their personality.

I agree it's personality in terms of how teenage years might manifest.

However I do also think clear boundaries & levels around what's acceptable have a role.

You may still have to deal with a rebellious teens & have heartache dealing with their behaviour.

But being really clear about respect, what can be said / not said, consequences for behaviour is important I think. On another thread there was a lot of laughing about how teens were regarding their DPs & the kind of abusive language they used. I found it very sad.

I do realise that it's possible to have a teen that goes really off the rails too, and all of the above won't really help. But that's less than usual.

The 'oh that's what teens do' narrative is not one I subscribe to.

@Beamur

I think it's well worth checking your baby mania against future reality! Teens are demanding years, they still need a lot of parenting love and support but as a parent you have to change too. Plus they're expensive, food, phones, university perhaps, they also take up quite a lot of space. We've been hugely fortunate and ours are great company and we haven't had to deal with much negative stuff. I've thoroughly enjoyed the teens but not all parents do.

Too right. I like my children's teen years but some of their friends were terribly difficult for a while. Yes, they are expensive too. Still it doesn't last forever.

No...give me back the baby years any day. I say that as someone who had babies who never slept, refused bottles, had constant vomiting and diarrhoea, one was admitted to hospital with a serious infection.

I'd still take that over my current nightmare of teenage years. I am trapped in an abusive relationship that I can't walk away from.

I am trapped in an abusive relationship that I can't walk away from.

I'm very sorry 💐

Is there anyone who can help you IRL? Could you talk to Women's Aid?

I was the teen that every parent dreads the one that pushed parents close to break downs. was into drugs and sex from 14, disappearing for whole nights and days at a time.

When mine were little I was terrified of what the teen years would bring.

as it turned out the toddler and primary years were what broke me, and right up to 13 I found parenting exhausting. Although I kept the values of my up bringing I parented very differently from my parents, which fingers crossed has worked so far.

DC1 has always been difficult (autism) but I still found helping him to navigate the teen years easier than anything before, even with constant battles with school, the heart break of watching him trying to understand friendships and their dynamics, depression and anxiety (selfharming and suicidal thoughts)

I like pp think it's just my parenting ability is more suited to teens. to others DC1 could have been to much for them, whereas I am more able at dealing with him as a teen then the rest of his younger years. I absolutely struggled with all through those years.

I do think being able to remember and understand what it was like as teen, helps. being able to remember how you felt and the insecurities that can hound a teen means you can show more empathy and support were needed. keeping lines of communication open, it's been said on here a few times but going out in the car for 'a drive' just you and them, can help them open up or simply just gives them head space. Have been going for a drive since they were around 7. So as teens they see it as a safe pressure realise when suggested.

As a PP said pre teen years teach them to be considerate and understand how their behaviour can effects others around them.

Once they are teen there will be times were they are selfish and inconsiderate, but often they will reflect on their own behaviour (if they have been taught to) and will come back and apologise off their own bat, or at the very least will be open to talking about what happened.

Don't fall into the trap of versing your anger at there anger, it will never ever resolve a situation. If they hate you and tell you with name calling and flouncing with doors banging behind them. Do not follow them with the how dare you it will only spiral.
wait and let them calm down, then approach it.

When a toddler lashes out you deal with it immediately as they don't understand if you tell them later.

When a teen lashes out (not talking physical here) you talk to them and deal with it later, because they can remember and understand. they need to calm down, reflect a bit then talking with them can be done.

I've got 2 teens and a few years left of teen parenting, but so far so good. Both fun, respectful and thoughtful, have very different interests and opinions, genuinely lovely. Might eat my words in a couple of years if it all goes tits up though 😂 no one can see the future so just do the best you can at the time, learn from your mistakes and take each day as it comes.

Oh and still have nightmares about how shit I was as a parent through some phases of their childhood.

I work with teens and see a lot of parents disengage with them or try to helicopter over their every thought. Both approaches seem so common yet so extreme m. For me it’s the relationship with them as a person in their own right that has to be nurtured and part that is them respecting you for your qualities. I don’t find any shoulder shrugging humour in teen rudeness. We have had some really difficult moments with one of mine - naturally he is a tricky one but also have a great relationship so it has really helped. You can do everything right and still have a tough time but it’s more common to just have a lovely relationship with your big kids. I have loved the teen stuff though maybe not the food bills!

DayswithaY your relationship that traps you is with your teen? I hope you can get some support. School, family, parenting classes (as space space to reflect and form a plan not because you need them). SS can link you to some of these and of course you may already be ahead of this. Sorry it’s tough.

dayswithaY I'm sorry and I hope you can find support through this

I will soon have 4 teenagers in my house, they are fab and much much easier than when they were smaller and they didn't sleep. I need a lot of sleep. Teenagers sleep a lot.

Our son is now 23 (and an only one) but was an absolute horror between 13 and 17 — not helped by us moving to Bristol at that point. Got into all kinds of shit and him and H rubbed each other up the wrong way all the time. He was a delightful baby and young child and is now a lovely young man.

It will absolutely depend on personalities. So there is no way you can predict if you're kids are going to be dream teens or rebels!

Apart from school issues (school refusal) with ds1 my 2 were brilliant. No issues with drinking, smoking, drugs or going off the rails in any shape or form.
They weren't ones for just aimlessly wandering the streets, would rather have played football or other activity or go to friends house or have friends over.
They are now 22 and 16 and i'm proud of them both and myself i guess, even though exh has on many occasion said otherwise.

I have 2 teen DS and one pre teen DD. I would not say any stage has been easier. Each stage has had its good points and bad points. What I was not prepared for was the worry with teenagers - sure I worried about SIDS, injuries and illness when they were babies and young children but felt like I could act in the face of that worry. Now I worry about everything but can't DO anything. Their MH, their social life, them being out late at night, that one punch that could devastate lives, driving lessons, relationships, unplanned pregnancies, drugs (lots of worrying about that as DS1 is going clubbing a lot), university, social media. I have zero control over any of it. I am slowly letting them submerge into adult life and it feels wrong tbh. I can't imagine how hard it is going to be when DD goes to university, which is 7 years away.

My advice is definitely pick your battles! My three have all been ok plus unless they are awful you just forget the difficult days. I do think that some of the outcome is influenced by their peer group. Luckily my lot had pretty good consistent friends who they are still close to .

It's so variable - I was one of 3 and I don't think any of us were difficult teens. Never a slammed door or any yelling - it helped that our parents were very trusting and didn't bother with battles about things that don't matter. Some parents seem to make the mistake of battening down the hatches in preparation for war when their kids hit their teens and then causing it by doing so! I think teens often have a point when they say 'You're treating me like a child!'

I think it's important to like teenagers and enjoy the fact you can treat them on more of a level - though sometimes they need guidance too. DD is 13 and generally still delightful and I suspect will remain so. DS (10) has adhd and I suspect will present more of a challenge.

So it can be luck of the draw to some extent if you get an 'easy' teen but I think if you assume trouble and aren't prepared to let them have a suitable level of independence you're more likely to get issues.

"newnortherner111
I would suggest that time invested now in standards of behaviour and boundaries may pay off later.

I'd agree with this. I have a 17 and a 15 year old now. Not saying that I've got it all right, but the things I was really strict on when they were younger are now commonplace and not an issue, but the things we fight about are the things I let pass when they were younger, and now is so much harder to get them to do. I wish I had been stricter on those things when they were younger.

That said, I'm loving having teenagers and on the whole, they're good kids. I enjoyed it when they were younger too, but I wouldn't go back to it now, too old!

So many posters seem to think having easy teens is all down to their brilliant parenting...yes, boundaries help. Yes your parenting will have an impact. But a huge amount is down to their innate personality imo. I hear so many parents describe how they have one easy kid and one who's much harder to parent...how can that be if they're brought up in the same house?

I totally agree that their personalities are a huge part of how they behave or how easy they are. However, I also think that parenting, whilst not the be all and end all, has to play some part for lots of children.

Apart from both being very easy going my two are like chalk and cheese. They have very few similar personality traits. I did not parent them the same, how can you parent individuals in the same way? My oldest responded to such things as 'I'm going to count to 3' and I never made it to 3. His brother, well I could count 300 and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference so I had to use different strategies for him.

There are so many variables in play, environment, family, personality, sense of self, it's impossible to predict how your child is going to be as they grow up. Even when they are 'brought up the same' in the same house by the same parents.

However, having said all that, I like to think my calm, reasoned, non confrontational style of parenting has helped shaped my boys into who they are now. But there's no way of knowing if that's true or not.

Mine are chalk and cheese too. Same upbringing.

One is a sensitive worrier, and one shall we say isn't.