AIBU to think the teenage years are going to be hard?

[Pinkwithwhite]

We have 2 children, I want 3 at least but reading another thread and someone made a comment about how easy the baby/toddler stage is compared to the teenage years.
I've never thought about having 3 teenagers!
Please what is it like? How hard is it? No one has never said anything about the teenage years, and when I think what we were like as teens I think how on earth will we cope?!

I’m finding it hard tbh. 2 teens. Stroppy, moody, unpredictable. Life is up and down. It seems to have crept up on me. One minute they were kids and now, they barely want to spend time with me and DH. Their behaviour is typical teen. I don’t think it’s unusual but I’m not enjoying it much.

Personally I'm enjoying the teen years more than the baby and toddler years. I love babies but mine weren't great sleepers which was so tiring.

Just to add….I loved the baby and toddler years. Yes it was bloody hard but it was rewarding. Life with teens doesn’t appear to have any obvious rewards!! It’s one big battle.

Loved the teenage years. Being able to have proper interesting debates with them about things like politics and philosophy, sharing experiences like comedy and music gigs and going to movies that weren't all aimed at children.

Much more fun and easier than the younger years, for me.

The teenage years are much harder. Mine are lovely and i pick my battles but watching them make mistakes or go through heartbreak is tough.

I love my teens! They're 14 and 15.

I've taught them to be independent from a young age, manners, respect and most importantly they can talk to me.

They still like going on adventures with me and out for meals. I suppose it depends on your personality whether you like small children, teenage children or no children. I hated the baby and toddler/young primary ages. I was miserable but my hard work around manners, respect and talking to them paid off and I have lovely teens.

DD is 14 but as one of the youngest in her year I always think she behaves a lot older.

For me, a teen is easier as a baby/toddler/Infant school child. In normal times you can reason with them. Yes, they can throw a tantrum worth any toddler but you can sit back and know you don't really have to do a lot, they will come down on their own.

I found that laying good foundations about trusting them, letting them make mistakes, teaching that getting respect means learning to respect others and being independent early helps.

Also realise that their views are not yours, you may not like them but you need to learn to sit back and respect them. Their taste will be fastly different from yours and I think DD still recovers from me telling her that fangirling is not an invention of her generation.

She still enjoys spending time with us but I also enjoy that she likes hibernating in her room. You and your views need to learn to develop as much as a teen learns.

For me the hardest thing about teens is the constant taking them too and from places. With older teens it's the constant worry about whether they are safe. And sometimes they need you to mother them for emotional reasons rather than practical. I had to stop what I was doing yesterday to cook DD some corn on the cob. She's perfectly capable of doing it herself, but for some reason wanted me to do it for her while she watched and talked nonsense at me about marvel films. They also do really stupid things like locking their bike in town and losing the key and expect you to sort it out. I would say it's hard, but it's not massively easier than having babies and toddlers.

There are challenges with each stage. So far I am loving the teenage years. Eldest son is now old enough to babysit his siblings whilst I nip out and walk the dog with DH of an evening.

100% vote for the teenage years here. I do much more fun and interesting things with them than the baby/toddler activities, they are great company, as are their.friends, and they need different, overall less exhausting help and care. I was lucky with my teens and didn't have to deal with offending/drugs, but did have to go through mental health stuff and them not communicating. Plus the teen self-absorption which can be exasperating. But comparing that to the continuous physical care, not knowing what's wrong, the tedium of keeping younger children happy and occupied, the food prep, the rounds of activities and mass contact with other parents... far less relentless. I would look forward to it and don't just see the bad stories. Teens are often unfairly blamed, feared and demonized when many are interesting, fun, thoughtful and great to spend time with.

I think it depends on the kids. Me and my brother were easy going as teens (confirmed by our parents!).

We both had part time jobs, went to school and behaved well, never hung about the streets etc. Never brought any trouble home. We knew what we wanted to do so were quite focused. Had our moments obviously, but generally, our household was calm.

Our younger sister on the other hand was........challenging! Honestly, how my parents aren't completely grey is beyond me! That said, she was always fairly challenging as a kid. She has mellowed somewhat over the years but can still be difficult as an adult. I think it's just personality.

I work with teenagers and they are awesome! You can joke with them and they get it, they start to have opinions on things and want to discuss and they can be really funny. I always feel privileged to teach 11-18 because you watch them grow from children to young adults and the change is phenomenal!

Every stage has its challenges.

Your teenager won't be delivered to you from the sky - they'll evolve from that newborn, baby, small child.

Some teenagers are hard work of course but not all. My 14 DD is a million times easier (and happier in herself) than a few years ago, mainly because she's got more independence, is surprisingly mature, and she responds very well to responsibility. Who knows if this will change as she gets older & I'll have other challenges?

For me, it's all part of life really. My DC will bring happiness & pain potentially their whole lives. It's the reward / price of parenthood. Singling out one time of their lives as likely to be hard isn't sensible.

I'm wondering if it's a case of the harder you thought the baby/toddler stage was the easier you've found the teenage stage?

Not for me.

I've enjoyed all stages. But I've found all stages hard too!

I've been a single parent since my youngest was 2. It's been hard with v little support.

But I don't expect being a parent to be 'easy'. Not because of my DC as such but as a parent, there's always something to worry about, and you're always a parent. I see my mum still worrying about all of us, now ranging from 45 to 36!

I'm wondering if it's a case of the harder you thought the baby/toddler stage was the easier you've found the teenage stage?

Not for me either. Tbh the baby and toddler stage was pretty easy, and so have the teenage years been so far. Although my youngest is only 13, so we've got a way to go yet!

@CJsGoldfish

Personally, I'd avoid the teenager board where you will be told teenagers NEED to drink and NEED to disrespect you and NEED to go out when they want because that's what teenagers do.

It's not true and it will only stress you out more.

👏👏👏

Well put.

I think there is nothing wrong with being clear with your own personal boundaries for your DC.

My DD isn't perfect - by any means. We have run ins. But no way is she allowed - nor generally wants to, tbf - be disrespectful or rude. There are clear rules & expectations of her. And I don't worry about of this is ok or not - I know it's what works for my family and our values, and others may do differently.

There are shocking levels of excuses made for awful teen behaviour on here.

I do like my teenagers but they don’t always like me very much

Easier in terms of much less of a need to micro-manage. In fact that should be avoided at all costs as it just creates unnecessary conflict!

Any whiff of neuro-diversity often makes these difficult years for kids. One of ours has ASD and frankly it's been hell.

My mother once said to me that she hoped I would have a child exactly like me - I wasn't a wild child exactly as a teen by the standards of the time (out drinking from 14 but that wasn't a problem for her or unusual) it was more my attitude and unwillingness to accept unfairness. But DS has been easy and lovely. DSS1 was a nightmare by all accounts but I only met him when he was 18 and had grown up a bit. I didn't mind the teen years with DSS2 and DS.

I’m always amazed at how many parents don’t enjoy the baby and toddler years, I must be a bit odd because I bloody loved that stage!
The teen years are exhausting, you cannot switch off from the issues with them, even when you are in bed. I had many sleepless nights. Yes babies are tiring but their issues aren’t so serious! With teenagers you need to be absolutely on the ball, it’s too easy for things to get out of control.
The best advice I can give is;
A: as pp said embed the values early on. Don’t take shit when they are little, set those boundaries!
B: know their friends. Peer influence is huge, know who they are associating with and what’s going on in that group.
C: Do loads of family stuff to keep your relationship with them strong.

Remember the teens are the children you have known and loved all along so your relationship with them gets you through. I had 3. First teen was difficult but we had fantastic times as well. Other two looked at number ones carry on and went the opposite way so absolutely no bother. I really enjoyed their company , their friends and all the planning for college etc. Seeing who they were becoming. Thinking back a lot of number ones issues were to do with us as parents finding the right way to let go which we had mastered by the next two....pretty much.
I loved the toddler stage ( number one was the easiest toddler on earth!!) but the teenage years are great. They are a lot more independent so you can do things for yourself more and pick up stuff you abandoned due to the constant minding with toddlers.
Also mine are out of the teen years and it's fantastic to have 3 adults coming and going so don't be put off. Each stage passes.

At present I can not breath or say anything right to my DD age 13. Read that this was a developmental stage where they push you away to gain independence but my word it is a difficult stage. Have another DD age 8 so all of it to look forward to again.

This is the first summer holidays ive experienced With a teenager...he's 13. It's absolutely hellish. I thought I'd be chauffeuring him around to meet friends or he'd have them come over...but nothing. I can barely get him to leave the house. It's so depressing and worrying. He is up early but goes to bed at 10pm so my long childfree evenings are gone. It's awful

With teenagers it's all about mental load. You can't do anything to help but you can still worry about it. Someone once said 'you can only be as happy as your least happy child' and that was true for me at times.

When they were applying for jobs, and interviewing at University, just willing them to be successful, because any rejection could send them into a spiral and defeat.

I can honestly say as well that when they went out I couldn't hand on heart say I knew exactly where they were. I knew where they may have started off...

Depends on you and depends on the children. Personally I hate the baby stage, others love it. I much prefer having a teenager but if the child is really struggling it could be really hard. For me overpopulation is a huge problem and will be even more so when our kids grow up so that would be much more of a factor in the decision, I can also help one child get on the housing ladder etc but it would be a lot more difficult the more kids I had so I try to think of their future not just mine.

I'm another one who found the baby stage pretty miserable I'm afraid! We have 2 teenaged DDs, and they are my very most favourite people! They are interesting, funny, kind, all-round wonderful human beings - we feel incredibly lucky to have 2 such fantastic people in our lives.

That said, there have been a few tricky bits since they hit their teens. Friendship dramas, anxiety and academic pressures have all caused some concern over the last few years, but we've always managed to maintain an open dialogue with our girls, and they have always (so far, at least!) been happy to talk things through with us and listen to our advice. Our eldest DD is gay, and came out to us when she was 13. DH's closest friend (and DD1's Godfather) is gay, so DD1 knew we would be supportive and that whoever she is attracted to is of no consequence to us as her parents, but I know that for some, it could be a really difficult thing to navigate.

Having teenaged children is a whole different ballgame in comparison with the baby and toddler stage, and I think my 'parental skill set' is far better suited to older children than to little ones. I know DH and I are 'lucky' to have such well-mannered, hard working, well behaved DDs, but I believe that it's at least somewhat a result of how we have parented them. I think that if you can instill the basics when they are small, and you foster an open and honest relationship with your DC, then when they hit the teens, hopefully you'll be in a good position to deal with whatever drama your teenager dreams up to throw at you!