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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Atalune · 02/08/2021 23:11

I love a happy ending.

Haudyourwheesht · 02/08/2021 23:11

I suppose this is what families do (excuse bad behaviour in people you love if it’s outweighed by the good)

This. It's very easy to give advice based on a single incident, about people you don't know, but life generally isn't like that.

RealHousewifeofBarnardCastle · 02/08/2021 23:12

Op that sounds like a really good solution and best of all, they all had to sort it out amongst themselves!

Fortyfivepotholes · 02/08/2021 23:14

Your SIL gets a very nice birthday present next time…

(You write characters beautifully, btw)

MarianneUnfaithful · 02/08/2021 23:14

OP you HAVE to link us to the teens’ TikTok. Please?

The siblings sound fab.

This day should definitely feature in a sitcom.

Enjoy your gin - don’t have enough to jeaopardise your waterspouts in the morning.

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 23:15

@strengthinnumber

Well there’s a lot of advice here. Thanks everyone. I do understand (and secretly love!) all the people telling me put my foot down etc but for reasons explained below I’m not quite doing that. Tonight has been a rollercoaster. I calmed down on the car ride back. I wasn’t seriously planning to give DH an ultimatum. I just felt like it.

It’s her property. I planned on the way back that I’d just focus on the logistics, that DH and I would have the sofas and she could have our room and hopefully she’d stay a day or so, realise we were out all day (all booked into water sports classes) and she’d decide to go home. I also didn’t want the children’s friends to feel awkward.

So I get back and DH and her are on their second large G&T. He’s all grumpy she's looking sad.

Anyway I went to warm up their chicken and chips (I’m not a monster and the chips were excellent.) While I’m in the kitchen DHs brother calls her. Apparently DH had messaged his sister and brother asking what he should do.

Now DHs brother is my MIL with added extra drama. He’s lovely and funny but he’s never de-escalated a situation in his life. He asks to speak with MIL privately. She comes back 10 mins later all panicked and tries to leave. She’s has a lot of gin by this point so we tell her she can’t drive anywhere. She’s all twitchy. Then she pulls me aside to apologise BECAUSE DB TOLD HER WE WERE HAVING MARRIAGE ISSUES AND THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAKE OR BREAK HOLIDAY FOR US which is why we wanted alone time (with 4 teenagers???? WTAF was he thinking???)

Anyway, I wanted to kill him. I assure her that we’re maritally solid and this is just BIL being BIL. The kids’ friends are open mouthed. I’m fairly sure one of them will have made a Tiktok about this.

Then his sister calls. MIL is in awe of his sister who has had the most amazing career and takes no prisoners. I’ve no idea what she said but as she’s the only one with any backbone when it comes to his mum it obviously worked. DH and I are on the sofas tonight, MILs leaving tomorrow and stopping at SILs for lunch on her way home.

This is all being spun by the 4 of them as a misunderstanding over dates and I’m not arguing.

All 3 kids love their mum, and frankly she gets away with behaviour that a lot of people would call her out on because they don’t want to upset her, but she is kind and means well and was a great mum under trying circumstances when they were younger. I suppose this is what families do (excuse bad behaviour in people you love if it’s outweighed by the good) but I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed when I came back and saw her. I’ve possibly painted a bad picture of her. She has huge problems with boundaries and is a bit manipulative, but as a counterpoint BIL is gay and came out in the 80s and she was wonderful and fought fir him and challenged some horrific homophobia from family, ex-friends and pretty much everyone. She’s got a rainbow flag sticker in the back of her Honda next to the national trust sticker. It’s never all black and white.

So just a very weird evening. I will talk to DH about having a discussion with her about boundaries, but not tonight. There’s a large gin with my name on it.

I’m completely on your side op which you can see from by previous posts. But if all of this today was done to my children you were supposed to be taking on holiday, I’d be driving down to collect them and they wouldn’t be going to your house again. What an absolutely batshit family
BackforGood · 02/08/2021 23:17

Glad it has worked out and your BiL and SiL have your back even if BiL got it wrong in his delivery .

Feelingoktoday · 02/08/2021 23:20

I’m glad it is all sorted and hopefully you will get your holiday back tomorrow. In future fund your own holidays and set some boundaries for working at home.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 23:24

@Thewinterofdiscontent

of course she does hmm she goes to the op’s house for tea 3 times a week, a roast dinner every week, and gets taken on 4 holidays a year between all of her children. There’s a reason why she never mentioned she was going to turn up, because she knew she wasn’t bloody wanted!

So letting her turn up all week including Sunday lunch and taking her on holiday isn’t leading her on a bit?
She didn’t feel the need to mention it because “ normal” is her in your house most days.
Why would that change in her house just because you call it a holiday? Go to bloody Greece if you want a break from her.

Absurd.
Clymene · 02/08/2021 23:26

Gosh. What a lot if drama your husband's family are.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 23:27

BIL sounds hilarious Grin Oh my god. What a lunatic.

LaBelleSauvage123 · 02/08/2021 23:29

‘ I’m completely on your side op which you can see from by previous posts. But if all of this today was done to my children you were supposed to be taking on holiday, I’d be driving down to collect them and they wouldn’t be going to your house again. What an absolutely batshit family’

Really????

QualityMarguerite · 02/08/2021 23:30

Ha ha if one of my kids was the visiting child they would be trying to previously for next year and when the tales reached me I would invite you for a gin so we could strategise together:)

QualityMarguerite · 02/08/2021 23:30

Dunno where previously came from - trying to say they would be trying to book in with you for next year!

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 23:31

@sleepwouldbenice

Wow All amazing . Such personalities! Glad it's working out Enjoy the gin😊
They are overwhelming all together. They were a very tight unit for a long time and all love each other and it's lovely but also a bit much IYSWIM? Last Xmas I found myself lurking hiding in the conservatory with both my BIL as it was just all too loud and intense and into each other's lives. I mean this is the first time I've seen DH critical of his mum in 25 years and the first thing he does is message his siblings. Who both try to fix it but in a way that doesn't upset her. I am lucky. She's been nothing but welcoming but someone said upthread that she obviously thinks I like her more than I do and THIS IS THE TRUEST THING anyone said on the whole thread. She's embraced me. Found out what I liked and buys me thoughtful pressies. Is generous with her tine and money. Engaged with the grandchildren. I mean so many women would give their eye teeth for half that from their MIL. It's all just so bloody full on with them all and frankly if I wasn't married to DH we would never be friends as we are so different. But I appreciate her.
OP posts:
toocold54 · 02/08/2021 23:32

BIL sounds hilarious grin Oh my god. What a lunatic.

I agree!
Sorry OP but I had to laugh at the big story he’s created! I think I’m a bit in love with him Grin

MarianneUnfaithful · 02/08/2021 23:33

But if all of this today was done to my children you were supposed to be taking on holiday, I’d be driving down to collect them and they wouldn’t be going to your house again. What an absolutely batshit family

Oh for heavens sake. All that has been ‘done’ to these 14 and 16 year olds is that they came back from a day out to find friends grandma in the house, the boys were asked to move to sofa (my son at that age would have fine this happily without a second thought), saw that friends dad was not happy, git taken for chicken and excellent chips, came back, atmosphere calmer, adults are in phone a bit, adults drink some gin.

What on earth would you need to protect them from that would necessitate embarrassing them horribly by driving to collect them, and wrecking a week of water sports?

Batshit is a broad church….

Wheretobuy · 02/08/2021 23:37

Your BIL is hilarious OP.
Now you will have to post threads on how MIL tries rescue your marriage.
Hope the rest of your holidays go well.

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2021 23:38

This sounds like a brilliant opportunity to put some boundaries in place. She’s misjudged this, so will be wary next time, which is all to the good. She needs to allow you time alone. The family sounds very enmeshed. That would drive me insane but I know lots of families are like this.

LaBelleSauvage123 · 02/08/2021 23:40

MarianneUnfaithful couldn’t have put it better myself! What’s wrong with teenagers witnessing a bit of family disharmony? Makes them realise that life is complicated and not always rosy, relationships can be messy but things can be worked out.

Pantsomime · 02/08/2021 23:43

Great update OP glad it is resolving - you sound like a lovely person - I hope the rest of your holiday goes well

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 23:46

@Cherrysoup

This sounds like a brilliant opportunity to put some boundaries in place. She’s misjudged this, so will be wary next time, which is all to the good. She needs to allow you time alone. The family sounds very enmeshed. That would drive me insane but I know lots of families are like this.
"Enmeshed". Yup. This. I think I coped with it for 23 years as my own family are a bit disinterested and I had work out of the home and the kids and it was manageable but the last 18 months have been trying. Her popping in. DH and I always together so I'm aware of how much they all talk. The endless bloody facetimes. His sister (the one with the massive job) actually cried in first lockdown as this was the longest she'd ever gone on her life without seeing them all. I think something clicked for me. I really didn't feel that sad at all in fact it was a bit liberating - and then she joined our bubble and started popping in. Bugger. I'm not sure this is a conversation I'll ever have with DH.
OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 02/08/2021 23:48

Suppose you had a financially very poor friend and you offered to treat them at a fancy restaurant, but then, when there, proceeded to only order for yourself and refuse to get them any food

Just to say, this actually happened to me once, a long time ago.

FunTimes2020 · 02/08/2021 23:52

Is that you, Sophie Kinsella?

Clymene · 02/08/2021 23:52

That dynamic is very hard to deal with. Do you have other ILs you can commiserate with?