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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Terhou · 02/08/2021 23:53

Glad it's sorted. Maybe make a resolution to put more boundaries in place from now on, starting with telling her that you can't entertain her within working hours and turning her away if she just turns up?

Clearthinking · 02/08/2021 23:55

@Aquamarine1029

Poor lady, to feel unwanted by her own son. Yes her dropping in all the time is an issue, yes she should not have just joined you, but do you really want to hurt her like this?

For fuck's sake. My eyes rolled so hard I think they're stuck. 🙄

Starting to LOVE your responses!!! You need your own show! Xxx :-)
Clearthinking · 02/08/2021 23:56

Aquamarine1029 - I need a like button on this!

olidora63 · 03/08/2021 00:00

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in.
This 100%…maybe try and include her
PrincessNutella · 03/08/2021 00:01

Honestly, it sounds as if you were not clear in your expectations that she was not supposed to come. You didn't say your kids' friends were definitely coming. You did not definitely say you did not want her there. You say that she might have expected it was okay for her to come because "she's always been with us before so she probably didn't think to check." In other words, neither you nor DH were brave enough to lay out what you really wanted, and just wanted her to get your "tactful" hints. She didn't know you wanted her house but not her.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 03/08/2021 00:03

@SpindleWhorl

Suppose you had a financially very poor friend and you offered to treat them at a fancy restaurant, but then, when there, proceeded to only order for yourself and refuse to get them any food

Just to say, this actually happened to me once, a long time ago.

Wtf? Really? I mean.... Shock
OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 03/08/2021 00:05

@PrincessNutella

Honestly, it sounds as if you were not clear in your expectations that she was not supposed to come. You didn't say your kids' friends were definitely coming. You did not definitely say you did not want her there. You say that she might have expected it was okay for her to come because "she's always been with us before so she probably didn't think to check." In other words, neither you nor DH were brave enough to lay out what you really wanted, and just wanted her to get your "tactful" hints. She didn't know you wanted her house but not her.
huh??!

Did you even bother to read the OP, or are you the MIL maybe?

MyOtherProfile · 03/08/2021 00:06

Wow I hope she does go tomorrow but without wrecking the relationship with you all.

nodogz · 03/08/2021 00:07

Is it wrong that I keep missing the point about putting in boundaries for MIL and just keep coming back to your friends kids?

As a mum I'd feel MORTIFIED that my kids friends were trapped in this family drama and RAGING that an adult had put them in this position. I'd prob have called their parents after my chicken and excellent chips and offered to drive them home.

BUT as a teen staying with friends I would have LOVED the drama and would prob be in the bathroom right now making a TikTok!

As a teen in the family I'd prob be a bit meh as this is what (some) families do and it wouldn't bother me.

Well done for dealing with the whole saga so calmly OP, it sounds a nightmare. I'm from a family of sulkers. We would draw this whole thing out for at least 2-5 years!

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 03/08/2021 00:13

PiffleWiffleWoozle
"I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in."
This 100%…maybe try and include her

She is generous and kind and tries so hard. And she is lonely as her family was her entire focus and she's not got much outside it.

However she is included. She's involved in everything! There's no escaping her!
(And now I sound like a cow. Best to log off xxx)

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 00:23

I get that your brother and sister-in-law have at least tried to ride in like the cavalry and help tonight, but maybe they could do more practical stuff in future? Such as, maybe they take turns having her there for a Sunday roast so you don't do it more than once a month? I know you live closest but it seems convenient for everyone that you - not even your DH - are the sponge soaking up so much of her free time.

cherrytreesa · 03/08/2021 00:30

But if all of this today was done to my children you were supposed to be taking on holiday, I’d be driving down to collect them and they wouldn’t be going to your house again. What an absolutely batshit family

GrinGrinGrin Ah bless.

Heliachi · 03/08/2021 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 03/08/2021 00:33

@FunTimes2020

Is that you, Sophie Kinsella?
That made me smile. I have a friend who freelances as an editor of books that people self publish on kindle. Apparently there has been a flood of "middle aged but still attractive women coming to life changing realisations during covid and possibly having hot sex" manuscripts coming her way. I think the enforced family time or isolation has changed a lot of people.

In terms of Sophie K though, sadly I'm fat, DH doesn't have a roguish bone in his body, no ones job is very glam and the holiday home is in a lovely location but needs 3 dehumidifiers running constantly!

However I do know that if the last 18 months hadn't happened I'd be more patient with MIL, we would be in Portugal and things would be different.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 03/08/2021 00:34

OP I get what you mean.

My (long term) ExBF's family were like this.

4 siblings.

Every Sunday it was expected everyone would meet up for lunch at someone's house (in a sort of rota).

I'm actually very close to my parents and after 8 months of not doing Sunday lunch with my family I told BF I was inviting my parents over.

Sunday came, Parents due at 12.30. I'm cooking away and BF pops into the kitchen to say "bye, have a nice time".

Yes - he's going to his sisters "as normal".

He absolutely couldn't see the problem nor how rude/dismissive it was to me and my family.

This was on top of the fact that not a day went by without him spending an hour on the phone in the evening with one or more of his family - followed up with him chatting to me about what they'd been talking about.

Not a week went by without one (or more) coming over unexpectedly and staying for hours and hours.

They were all nice people but it ended up feeling like a black hole that I was being sucked into against my will.

Literally everything in his life revolved around his family. Birthdays, Christmas, weekends etc. There was simply no breathing space for anything else - including my feelings, my family and ultimately our relationship.

I don't think your situation is quite so all consuming, but I do understand the "respite" lockdown briefly gave you.

It's nice when families have good relationships but healthy relationships tend to allow everyone in the family to have some space and that has to include those people who are partners to the "core" family and to allow them time with their spouse and parents in a balanced way.

Happymum12345 · 03/08/2021 00:37

I expect your ds & friend won’t mind sleeping in the lounge /sofa. I’d let her sleep
In the bed & tell yourself you’ll never get in that situation again. It’s another one of life’s lessons. I’m constantly learning these types of lessons-You’re not alone!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 00:39

@Happymum12345

I expect your ds & friend won’t mind sleeping in the lounge /sofa. I’d let her sleep In the bed & tell yourself you’ll never get in that situation again. It’s another one of life’s lessons. I’m constantly learning these types of lessons-You’re not alone!
People are very happy to be confident that others won't mind sleeping on the sofa..

Plus, it's all moved on now!

SenecaFallsRedux · 03/08/2021 01:32

Batshit is a broad church….

So very true. Most families I know, including my own, are somewhere on the batshittery spectrum.

OP, I think your family actually sound quite charming. And my heart melted at the rainbow flag on the Honda.

1forAll74 · 03/08/2021 04:15

It is absolutely awful that a family situation has got into such an awful mess up here,.just because A MIL has made a bad decision to turn up somewhere,when not expected,. and then she is getting flamed big time by all on here. She is being talked about, as though she is a meaningless nobody. as though she has committed the biggest sin on earth.

There is usually a solution to upsetting situations, without having all this anger, critisisms and tears etc.

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 04:47

All the best op

malificent7 · 03/08/2021 04:48

Massive red flag...your dh has bad childhood memories of the holiday home...was this becaise of his mum? Never go there again.

chaosrabbitland · 03/08/2021 05:29

this is the most awesome update , heres hoping she actually does go home tomorrow op , i must say the brother in laws attempt to get her to leave was a masterstroke of genius lol , it really is priceless ,although obvs not funny for you that she thought you have maritel problems ,

she really does need to get some hobbies or join womens institute , so shes not popping over and expecting you to be entertaining her whenever shes bored and turns up at the door ,
in your shoes id only ever be taking the holiday let again if i could bear her coming ,otherwise i would book somewhere else

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/08/2021 05:41

Glad it's all worked out OP.

Your DH's family actually sound pretty amazing.

Moonlight1972 · 03/08/2021 06:05

Op you sound so lovely ! Would love to have you as friend !

1frenchfoodie · 03/08/2021 06:07

Glad it worked out. Had to laugh at the brother’s ‘marriage troubles’ solution. Loved the rainbow flag anecdote and how you beautifuly described how exasperating but lovely the family are. Hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday.