About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

You need to stop letting her in when you're working. Say every time, I'm working, I can't socialise during my working hours.

@snowspider

I don't think its that bad a situation as you all get on, but if I was the MIL I would offer to sleep in the sitting room. I think you could all have a good holiday together especially as the kids have mates it's not really 'family time' as such rather all let's have a good holiday.

It's a very different scenario having your teen children's friends with you on holiday compared to your MIL.

The kids and their friends spend a lot of time entertaining themselves - actually leaving you more free time with your partner.

Unlike MIL who will require full time attention (that's why she's come, because she's lonely and bored) when you'd been look forward to a walk on the beach and quiet evenings with a nice with your DH around planned activities with all the kids during the day.

I hope it’s going well and things have at least been negotiated calmly, for the sake of the teens.

Perhaps best for now to look at it as a practical issue, acknowledge that she hadn’t appreciated the sleeping issue, and sort it out as best you can for tonight.

Then I would say to her that SS this is a substitute for your usual hol she should go home and you will pay her rental for this week.

Then deal with the wider boundary issues when you get home.

I think I would tell her to go home or say we will as it's too overcrowded.

Let her stay tonight to compose herself and then do a 10 hour day out tomorrow breakfast out watersports day dinner etc as you warned her. She will soon get bored.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Yes, it's her house, but that's not what hospitality is about. If you can't or don't want to offer people what you've led them to expect or what they would reasonably need, you just don't offer in the first place.

It's actually very UNgenerous to lead people to burn their bridges, making out that you've got all the plans sorted, and then spring it on them that it isn't sorted.

Suppose you had a financially very poor friend and you offered to treat them at a fancy restaurant, but then, when there, proceeded to only order for yourself and refuse to get them any food. You might think you were being kind 'taking them out somewhere nice' but you would actually have been the exact opposite of kind, when you should have said nothing and left them at home to get themselves a cheese sandwich or tin of soup as they otherwise would have fully expected to do.

Exactly 👏👏👏

I’d be mortified bringing other people’s children on holiday to have them kicked out of their room and then having to witness a domestic with the mil.

This is the issue, surely? Setting aside OP’s feelings about MIL generally being overbearing, it’s exceptionally difficult to be the hosts of other people’s teens and then see them asked to sleep on the sofa! I’d have seen red too.

I’d offer MIL the sofa for the night. Really, it’s the only solution.

Could she sleep on the sofa? That seems to he simplest solution, and as not likely the most comfortable, she may choose to go home. Or offer to book local accomodation for her.

It sounds like she may not have understood the situation. She has tried, by giving you all a free holiday, so I would see it as your obligation to be kind. I would be ecstatic at a chance to get away without currently (rediculous) rental prices.

YA DEFINITELY NBU.
She needs to go. She can’t just turn up. It’s ridiculous.

10 days of annual leave used up on holidays with her?
Sorry, but that’s a no from me.

She gets several weeks away with her family every year? That’s so much more then most people do!

Also OP - presume your DH is WFH too (as she ‘doesn’t want to disturb him’)? In this scenario you have to either not answer the door at all (and if DH is there that’s easy enough as he can do it instead!) or if you do answer not let her over the threshold. I know it’s easier said than done - my MIL is similar - but you have to enforce your boundaries.

YANBU

I’d leave with your family. Leave her there.

Set firm boundaries in place and stop the constant visits to you. You are not responsible for her. She needs to make friends if she’s lonely.

Well there’s a lot of advice here.

Thanks everyone. I do understand (and secretly love!) all the people telling me put my foot down etc but for reasons explained below I’m not quite doing that. Tonight has been a rollercoaster. I calmed down on the car ride back. I wasn’t seriously planning to give DH an ultimatum. I just felt like it.

It’s her property. I planned on the way back that I’d just focus on the logistics, that DH and I would have the sofas and she could have our room and hopefully she’d stay a day or so, realise we were out all day (all booked into water sports classes) and she’d decide to go home. I also didn’t want the children’s friends to feel awkward.

So I get back and DH and her are on their second large G&T. He’s all grumpy she's looking sad.

Anyway I went to warm up their chicken and chips (I’m not a monster and the chips were excellent.) While I’m in the kitchen DHs brother calls her. Apparently DH had messaged his sister and brother asking what he should do.

Now DHs brother is my MIL with added extra drama. He’s lovely and funny but he’s never de-escalated a situation in his life. He asks to speak with MIL privately. She comes back 10 mins later all panicked and tries to leave. She’s has a lot of gin by this point so we tell her she can’t drive anywhere. She’s all twitchy. Then she pulls me aside to apologise BECAUSE DB TOLD HER WE WERE HAVING MARRIAGE ISSUES AND THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAKE OR BREAK HOLIDAY FOR US which is why we wanted alone time (with 4 teenagers???? WTAF was he thinking???)

Anyway, I wanted to kill him. I assure her that we’re maritally solid and this is just BIL being BIL. The kids’ friends are open mouthed. I’m fairly sure one of them will have made a Tiktok about this.

Then his sister calls. MIL is in awe of his sister who has had the most amazing career and takes no prisoners. I’ve no idea what she said but as she’s the only one with any backbone when it comes to his mum it obviously worked. DH and I are on the sofas tonight, MILs leaving tomorrow and stopping at SILs for lunch on her way home.

This is all being spun by the 4 of them as a misunderstanding over dates and I’m not arguing.

All 3 kids love their mum, and frankly she gets away with behaviour that a lot of people would call her out on because they don’t want to upset her, but she is kind and means well and was a great mum under trying circumstances when they were younger. I suppose this is what families do (excuse bad behaviour in people you love if it’s outweighed by the good) but I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed when I came back and saw her. I’ve possibly painted a bad picture of her. She has huge problems with boundaries and is a bit manipulative, but as a counterpoint BIL is gay and came out in the 80s and she was wonderful and fought fir him and challenged some horrific homophobia from family, ex-friends and pretty much everyone. She’s got a rainbow flag sticker in the back of her Honda next to the national trust sticker. It’s never all black and white.

So just a very weird evening. I will talk to DH about having a discussion with her about boundaries, but not tonight. There’s a large gin with my name on it.

of course she does hmm she goes to the op’s house for tea 3 times a week, a roast dinner every week, and gets taken on 4 holidays a year between all of her children. There’s a reason why she never mentioned she was going to turn up, because she knew she wasn’t bloody wanted!

So letting her turn up all week including Sunday lunch and taking her on holiday isn’t leading her on a bit?
She didn’t feel the need to mention it because “ normal” is her in your house most days.
Why would that change in her house just because you call it a holiday? Go to bloody Greece if you want a break from her.

I loved my MIL who was wonderful. But she would never have interrupted me if I was working (I work from home). Because a) she was too well-mannered, and b) if anyone did that, they would be toast, and everyone who knows me knows it.

Your MIL needs to learn to respect other people's time/space/boundaries. Her behavior about the holiday home is part and parcel of the same thing. Lines need to be drawn clearly so there are no misunderstandings- it's tough drawing them sometimes, but if you don't, it gets far tougher later on. It's when arrangements are unclear that people get hurt.

(Note to those who don't work from/at home- People who work from home have to be hardfaced about boundaries or they can't get their work done properly- or even at all.)

Just awful behaviour on her part, manipulative and conniving.
My aunt and uncle did something similar to my cousin, although they didn't own the holiday home. Cousin had booked a house in the south of France for him,his wife, three daughters and two friends of eldest daughters. The phone rang and it was his parents asking him to pick them up at Nice airport as they'd decided to surprise him for his birthday, which was during the holiday. The house was full to capacity with the seven original people and my aunt and uncle had an almighty strop when told there was no room. They didn't speak to my cousin for several years and relations are still very frosty, especially as they told everyone else in the family that he was the unreasonable one!

Wow
All amazing . Such personalities!
Glad it's working out
Enjoy the gin😊

Also I refer to other inheritance threads.
There’s a reason you indulge her isn’t there….

Have that gin and I hope the sofa is ok!

Glad you’re sorted op. Sounds like a reasonable plan but i would consider how you can firm up those boundaries. The more she gets away with it and the more it’s swept under the carpet as a misunderstanding, the worse she will get!

Of course she's being unreasonable. And it's her home. Put an order in to Amazon for 2 camp beds on express order. You can all take turns having 2 nights in the lounge. Sorry she's spoilt your holiday but it's just a week's holiday. Better than being lonely forever.

I was going to suggest you & DH take the sofas to make sure the kids don't have to move their friends out.

She has overstepped the boundaries even though it is her home. But I think she's aware of this now.

I don't know where you go from here in terms of borrowing the house again in future 🤷🏻‍♀️

You guys sound fab. Wish I could have a G and T with you
Beautifully handled - even BIL

I'm glad there's a resolution that doesn't wreck your holiday or family relationships.
But you really do need to sort boundaries and not sweep this under the rug, or nothing will change.

Glad you've managed to rescue
the holiday and that she's leaving tomorrow.

Enjoy the rest of it and talk about boundaries when you get back.

And yes - definitely time....