About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

I think, to some extent, you’ve created an environment in which she has no idea your family has needs that are separate from her own by pandering to her popping in so much even when you don’t want it. You have, essentially, had a dishonest realtionship with her. I appreciate it was with the kindest of intentions, but it was, nevertheless, a sort of fantasy world in which she has believed you always want her around really, even if her DS has told her it’s not really convenient, you’ve still let her in and listened to her and given her tea. So now, she doesn’t have you to pop in to, but she also has no real reason to think you wouldn’t love to see her. And she wrong. Because you haven’t really wanted her there every time she’s popped in for tea, but you’ve lied to her about it. It’s a big shock for her.

I’m not saying it’s all your fault. A mature woman has had plenty of time to learn to read the room a bit better and you gave her a lot of cues that she could have picked up on if she wasn’t a bit self-involved about it. But you have played a part here. And you do like the holiday home.

I would move you and DH into the lounge (as you say, it is her house). Put up with it as best you can. If she doesn’t go home tomorrow, consider canceling the half term holiday and going somewhere else so you get some MiL free family holiday this year.

And then, when you are all back home and the immediate tension is over, sit down and have an honest conversation - about how it;s rude of her to not want to bother DH but think that your time is fair game, how DH has bad memories of the holiday home, how your nuclear family likes spending some time with her, but also wants holiday without her too, and how she has blatantly ignored when you’ve tried to make your barriers clear in the past and you are, frankly becoming concerned that you won’t be able to maintain as good a relationship with her if she keeps it up.

Oh OP, what a total pain, I expect she knew exactly what she was doing!

I'm not sure what the short term solution is, but the longer term is to very much limit your time at the second home and not really go there again expect for your usual week that you have planned.

It’s really unfair of her to do this. I think you see enough of her at home already.

I've only read OP's replies. But as it's her place I don't see how you can make her leave. It's really awkward. Either you and DH or her will have to sleep on the sofa ,or find a B&B. I think you will just have to get through and make the best of it and then never use her holiday home ever again.
And why do you answer the door to her when you're WFH? Just ignore it and don't let her in. You were on a call and couldn't get to the door etc.

If you hadn’t realised already - somehow - that this is who she is, then at least you do now. Learn from it, establish better boundaries and pay for your own holidays in future.

*She didn’t call ahead because she was banking on your guilt and sympathy to kick in when she was in front of you, knowing full well you would have told her not to come if she called.

It may be her home but she has no right to control and manipulate you like that, she crossed a line and she needs to understand that she can’t behave this way.

Loneliness, if that is the issue, isn’t a free pass to trample over other people’s wishes and needs in order to obtain company.*

Completely agree with this. She is behaving very unreasonably. She should go home now she has realised there is no room. Don't feel bad if she does, and don't feel bad about you leaving if she doesn't.

Realistically though I would stick it out for the kids and put up very firm boundaries going forward.

@Saidtoomuch

This is why I hate people surprising me. Let us know what happens when you get back to the house. She's doesn't sound like the sort of person who listens or will take no for an answer. Your DH needs to sleep on the sofa and let her bunk in with you for the night. I know its cringy sharing with MIL, but he can't let an older lady sleep on the sofa. He needs to spend a bit of one on one time with her tomorrow, brunch or something, then let her go back home. He can't let her leave upset. When you all get home you need a talk together about boundaries, not popping in whilst you are working, agreeing better communication (from her) and no more little surprises.

I would sleep outside on the driveway butt naked before I shared a bed with MIL . Who in the world would share a bed with their MIL because she's crashed their holiday?!

looking at rooms and numbers, the only solution is for her to sleep on the sofa.

You could share with your own children, but certainly not their friends, obviously neither could your DH, friends can't share with each other either.

The only person left is MIL.

You will need to have a full and frank discussion about the amount of time you spend with her week to week. She's understandably really getting on your nerves and seeing her so frequently is not going to do the relationship any good. Her turning up unannounced like this has just brought it all to ahead.
It's not just about what happened today. The whole thing needs addressing.

Poor you.
Hope it's sorted ASAP.

She’s an older woman that is a bit lonely and has done you a favour, She doesn’t realise that you don’t think of her in the same way as she thinks of you.
Have a chat, spell it out and don’t use her home again.

I think what I would do is, you and DH sleep on the sofas. Go about your holiday as normal, do all the things you wanted to do, she can tag along or stay at the house but don't do things you wouldn't otherwise do.
Just get through it, make it good for the kids. Just blank her, wouldn't chat with her or anything.

Then cancel the other holiday with her and stop answering the door when she comes round when DH isn't there.

No one can make out you were evil to her but you need to put boundaries in big time.

Meant to add it’s her home and you are her family.

If that’s not the relationship you are comfortable with then tough. You can’t selectively choose, it’s her rules,

I don't think its that bad a situation as you all get on, but if I was the MIL I would offer to sleep in the sitting room. I think you could all have a good holiday together especially as the kids have mates it's not really 'family time' as such rather all let's have a good holiday.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

She’s an older woman that is a bit lonely and has done you a favour, She doesn’t realise that you don’t think of her in the same way as she thinks of you. Have a chat, spell it out and don’t use her home again.

of course she realises, she is obviously manipulative as heck. Conveniently "forgetting" and getting upset to get her own way.

I would leave them all there and drive home by myself.
My PILs don't own a holiday home but they frequent a particular holiday location (as in, they travel there 3/4 times a year)
They showed up on one of our family holidays a few years ago and checked in to the same hotel, my MIL was on medication and drinking the entire time and it was awful. Such entitled behaviour.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

She’s an older woman that is a bit lonely and has done you a favour, She doesn’t realise that you don’t think of her in the same way as she thinks of you. Have a chat, spell it out and don’t use her home again.

I agree TheWinterofDiscontent.

MIL obviously thinks (thought!) you liked her more than you do. She has found out the truth. This will be hard for her.

The holiday house is hers. She probably didn't realise she needed permission to be there even if you were bringing the children's friends. The lines of who are "in" the family and who is/are "extended" family was probably not clear to her. The scales will have fallen from her eyes and she will probably behave and feel differently about you in future. Be careful what you wish for.

To be honest, you shouldn't have used her house if this is the way you feel about her and her place in your family - then the boundaries would have been clearer to her. You can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry.

numbertheory
. Absolutely agree

I had tough time with df once again absolutely adored him but he was hard work and I could only cope with small doses...

@Thewinterofdiscontent

She’s an older woman that is a bit lonely and has done you a favour, She doesn’t realise that you don’t think of her in the same way as she thinks of you. Have a chat, spell it out and don’t use her home again.

Of course she does she goes to the op’s house for tea 3 times a week, a roast dinner every week, and gets taken on 4 holidays a year between all of her children. There’s a reason why she never mentioned she was going to turn up, because she knew she wasn’t bloody wanted! The op has said that’s the first time her oh has got visibly angry with her, she obviously thought turning up and turfing guests out of their rooms would not be mentioned. And then she flounces off in the hope that they’d cave and let her stay, and when they didn’t she came back 20 minutes later! She’s a manipulative cow.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Meant to add it’s her home and you are her family.

If that’s not the relationship you are comfortable with then tough. You can’t selectively choose, it’s her rules,

They didn't selectively choose.

MIL offered them the use of it. They asked if the kids could bring friends. MIL said fine.

Then she turned up without telling them she was coming to a full house with nowhere for her to sleep.

Yes, it's her house, but that's not what hospitality is about. If you can't or don't want to offer people what you've led them to expect or what they would reasonably need, you just don't offer in the first place.

It's actually very UNgenerous to lead people to burn their bridges, making out that you've got all the plans sorted, and then spring it on them that it isn't sorted.

Suppose you had a financially very poor friend and you offered to treat them at a fancy restaurant, but then, when there, proceeded to only order for yourself and refuse to get them any food. You might think you were being kind 'taking them out somewhere nice' but you would actually have been the exact opposite of kind, when you should have said nothing and left them at home to get themselves a cheese sandwich or tin of soup as they otherwise would have fully expected to do.

No, you're not unreasonable. She's controlling and manipulative. She should know better than to encroach upon your family time

Can’t wait to hear an update OP.

That’s completely out of order of her

Hope it's all sorted OP. She sounds like my MIL. I genuinely don't think she could fathom an instance we wouldn't want to share with her. Rarely visited due to distance, but would ring, every day, at the worst possible times.

Then on DH's birthday I'd arranged for her to come for the day and then a surprise meal out with a babysitter in the evening. A rare treat and first proper meal out alone since dd was born. She knew the times and had agreed to go home before the babysitter was booked.

The time was getting closer and closer and I was looking at her, she was looking at me, but not budging. So I said, When's your train, do you need a lift, DH says oh why don't you stay a bit longer Mum, she says okay. At this point it's not going to plan so I told him about the surprise meal. To his credit his immediate response was, right, let's get you home mum. I've never seen her look so shocked, I genuinely think she thought he'd want her to gatecrash our romantic meal. Of course by that time all but her last train had gone "it's okay, just drop me at the train station and I'll sit and wait 1.5hrs for the train". Ended up driving her home and having a very rushed meal before it was time to pick dd up from the babysitter.