About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

Must be a shock when you think that you are well liked & your presence turns out to be so unwanted!

Who behaves like this, though? Just assumed that they will be welcome to join every family holiday and Sunday dinner? My parents absolutely adore my daughter and can't get enough of her but I never just drop in with her for the day or expect them to include her in every thing they do. I always give them a quick ring and ask if they're free and of we can pop round. They always say there's no need to, they're always happy to see us, etc, bit I wouldn't dream of just assuming that. It shows such a lack of manners, self awareness and boundaries. It's got nothing to do with how much you like someone or how much you think they like you.

@Waspsarearseholes

Must be a shock when you think that you are well liked & your presence turns out to be so unwanted!

Who behaves like this, though? Just assumed that they will be welcome to join every family holiday and Sunday dinner? My parents absolutely adore my daughter and can't get enough of her but I never just drop in with her for the day or expect them to include her in every thing they do. I always give them a quick ring and ask if they're free and of we can pop round. They always say there's no need to, they're always happy to see us, etc, bit I wouldn't dream of just assuming that. It shows such a lack of manners, self awareness and boundaries. It's got nothing to do with how much you like someone or how much you think they like you.

To me is also an odd way of behaving.

But it seems not to MIL & nor has she (from what I gather) been told that it is.

Mil would absolutely be round here every day if I hadn't set boundaries very early on. She lives a few minutes away and she phones DH every night as it is and sees him every 3 days or so. I couldn't tolerate going on holiday with her too. She has tentatively suggested it to DH but fortunately he shot that one down immediately.

I don't dislike her, but she is very hard work - argumentative, opinionated and very lacking in empathy, so I try and keep my time with her to a minimum. She's not lonely or bored at all, but has the opinion that families should be in each others' pockets all the time because that was how she grew up.

I'm glad you got it sorted so amicably OP. Obviously proof will be MIL actually leaving the building ( without returning 20 mins later in tears).

I do think in future no more holidays at MIL holiday home, even if she offers. You now know it's a poisoned chalice so much better just to pay for your own accommodation

@Aquamarine1029

And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium

Irrelevant and not your responsibility. If she were concerned about income she shouldn't have offered it to you for free.

This bullshit is all about control. She wants you to know she has the position of power, just like when she intrudes at your home. It's all her own little pathetic game.

This is so wrong. Seems more like she likes her daughter in law a lot more than she's welcomed. She doesn't drop by to ignore DIL and fawn all over her son. She didn't mention her loss of income due to letting her son and family have it. This is all still just projection. What is wrong with you people. Would OP feel the same way if this is your own mother. Honestly, I feel sorry for your husband. All this could be settled by having a conversation.

Re her expecting entertained when working from home then you have to be firm and say "sorry I'm working until x time. Can you please phone before coming round to check I'm free" and don't let her in. My husband works from home and wouldn't be entertaining relatives in his work time but sending people packing.

Sounds like you are getting it sorted but just wanted to add that I have a similar in-law and holiday home drama.

My PIL own a house overseas. We have been there a few times but boy does it come with conditions. We are never allowed to go there alone with our family, despite it being empty 6 months of the year and not rented out. We are only allowed to go there when PIL are there and we have to do everything they want to do. So, the week is spent going round to their friends, going to the places they want, and hanging out with their friends every night. We are a 50-year old couple with teens. I mean WTF?

Outside of this PIL live quite close, so it is not as if we wouldn't see them if we didn't go over to this place. It is very manipulative of them. I have been there a few times but I now refuse to go. We would enjoy ourselves if we were able to do our own thing, but it is hell. I haven't been for 3 years and I have told my DH that I am not going again which he is in agreement with.

I don't think you sound like a cow - but someone at the end of their tether.

I think in many way my IL being off with me around marraige and pg meant it was easier to start to put boundaries in.

My IL ended up same places as us on our hoildiays about three years on the trot - I made it work because DH had been so unkeen on holidays at all I worried about boat rocking - last one I stopped being the oil that made everything run smooth and suddenly DH saw the problems and we did soemthing else the year after and have since though not last two summers thanks to covid.

My advice if your DH is also working from home when she pops in for coffee - get him every time - stop it being "your" problem and make it his as well.

Leaving for chips to calm down and leaving him with the problem was a good strategy.

Could you mange Christmas better -shorter visits perhaps a reason for at least you to leave earlier and avoid hoilday home for main holiday in future as you now know even when full she'll pop by.

@Aquamarine1029

And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium

Irrelevant and not your responsibility. If she were concerned about income she shouldn't have offered it to you for free.

This bullshit is all about control. She wants you to know she has the position of power, just like when she intrudes at your home. It's all her own little pathetic game.

Or maybe she thinks she's part of the family? Like any other normal person would.

They actually sound wonderfully disfunctional. And you sound lovely.

I do think , once this has calmed down, you need to have a conversation, maybe even with everyone, including BILs about how lovely it is that they're all so close and such a lovely tight family. But that they need to understand that as much as you're glad you've been so welcomed into the family, you didn't grow up with that level of closeness and sometimes find it overwhelming so just need a little time just with yourself and time with just your small household. But you love them very much and its not that you don't like them, it's like how you wouldn't want to eat nothing but your favourite chocolate every day.

no need to fall out, and all this never again malarky.
i hope it ends amicably and you enjoy your holiday,
you can't carry on sleeping on the sofa.

Even the most loved and well liked among us must realise that couples and families need time alone sometimes

I kind of love the idea of a NT sticker and a Pride sticker together. She sounds a bit overbearing, but they sound like an interesting family.

Did she also do this to your DH's siblings when they stayed at the holiday home? Does she also turn up at their homes several times a week?

Basically I'm wondering if she behaves like this with all her children or just your DH.

I had a “realisation” moment too, after which I started drawing back a bit with mil.
I suspect that when you get back, you won’t be quite as tolerant of her normal shenanigans at home. If she pops in, you might be having to complete work to a deadline so won’t be able to entertain her, she should have rung first, etc. You do need to start putting in a few more boundaries.

Well at least this issue seems to have been resolved and I hope that today goes OK for everyone. You certainly were put in a tricky situation not of your making.

But going forward you really do need to try and resolve her popping in and disturbing you when you are working as this just is not sustainable and more resentment will build up. If she would not dream of disturbing her son why is it OK to disturb you?!

You literally have got to show in your actions that it is not convenient her arriving at your house when it is work time. ie not answering the door. Or she is let in but you say sorry MIL I'm up to my eyes in work and I can't stop, but see you on Sunday. Or your DH opens the door and deals with her and says "sorry Mum but we are both at work now, see you Sunday". And this just has to continue and continue until she realises that work time for you is Monday through to Friday but at home. I'm assuming she would not turn up at either of your offices for coffee and a chat so you have to educate her that she can't do it at home as it is exactly the same but the scenario is that you are currently working from home. It's not being unkind but you need to work. Even if educating her means you say I'll be free at 5.30pm (after work) pop round then when I'm making supper etc.

But at the moment you are not actually demonstrating to her that her popping in during working hours is not acceptable.

The crux of it all as you have said is she is lonely. Can you look at U3A activities that are local to her and see if she would join any of them? What are other local activities for retirees, coffee and chat meet ups etc where she could form some local friendships? Even if she had her friend 'Nora' locally for a coffee and a chat twice a week and an activity to attend she would be filling up her week more and then have more to catch up with you about on a Sunday etc.

p.s. of course the teenagers aren't bothered about the activities of last night. It will have been water off a ducks back and they will have forgotten all about it after a day of watersports.

@strengthinnumber

PiffleWiffleWoozle "I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in." This 100%…maybe try and include her

She is generous and kind and tries so hard. And she is lonely as her family was her entire focus and she's not got much outside it.

However she is included. She's involved in everything! There's no escaping her!
(And now I sound like a cow. Best to log off xxx)

You do. You sound downright horrible about her. Just hope your kids and their partners don't feel this way about you in the future, ay. karma has a way of coming back round

OP,
Glad it is being resolved.

Your MIL is very focused on what she wants.
Your husband was clear but she isn't interested in any other narrative other than she gets what she wants.

She may be a nice😬 woman but she is also a very selfish person.

It was very reasonable for your husband to point out that ye would like the week on yere own after the past 18 months, but she just can't see beyond her own needs.

I think you need to be careful about subjugating your own feelings and needs because it certainly comes across that you do A LOT of that.

You are not honest with your husband that his mother is really just TOO MUCH.

Are ye lined up to be her carer's?
Are you?

Because your dishonesty about how you really feel and her selfishness means that YOU are very likely to be the person commandeered into being that person.

Not being repeatedly interrupted during your working day is so basic.

I strongly recommend that you reflect and have a gentle but firm word with your husband about boundaries.

You are not modeling good example to your children by sucking up SO much imposition in your lives.

The work one is the key one to start from.

You are an extraordinarily passive woman in the face of a family that sound nice but utterly smothering.

I hope the holiday improves.

I'm glad it seems resolved. I do think the last 18 months have changed so many things, I don't think any of us will be quite the same again. One thing I have noticed is that lots of people, me included, actually seemed to cope with it all really well and now as life is supposedly returning to normal we seem to be struggling a bit.

Of course with me it might be age but I feel entertaining people, making up bedrooms cooking etc (it's amazing how popular you become when you move to the seaside) is suddenly a real chore, I feel a bit panicky about what to cook, is everything OK. I spent hundreds last week on a new bed for the spare room as I felt the old one was past its best. I've bought all new bedding and some towels. It is truly bizarre and I hope I return to something close to normal soon.

I hope all is well going forward, your MIL sounds basically lovely but a bit lonely. I wonder if she'd like some of my visitors?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I kind of love the idea of a NT sticker and a Pride sticker together. She sounds a bit overbearing, but they sound like an interesting family.

This.

My family are also very enmeshed. Don't understand boundaries, or choose not to. DH was very pleased to be welcomed into this family, cos his family is frankly a bit shit. His is so bad, it made me appreciate mine, faults and all.

I think its probably a bit late in the day to get the boundary issue across. My DM is nearly 80, and won't/can't take it on board. I just manage her as best I can.

@MarianneUnfaithful

But if all of this today was done to my children you were supposed to be taking on holiday, I’d be driving down to collect them and they wouldn’t be going to your house again. What an absolutely batshit family

Oh for heavens sake. All that has been ‘done’ to these 14 and 16 year olds is that they came back from a day out to find friends grandma in the house, the boys were asked to move to sofa (my son at that age would have fine this happily without a second thought), saw that friends dad was not happy, git taken for chicken and excellent chips, came back, atmosphere calmer, adults are in phone a bit, adults drink some gin.

What on earth would you need to protect them from that would necessitate embarrassing them horribly by driving to collect them, and wrecking a week of water sports?

Batshit is a broad church….

I guess we have different standards. If my 14yo dd had phoned me and said ‘mum, we got to the house and put everything away in our rooms, then x’s Nan turned up and said we weren’t allowed to sleep there anymore. She made us take our stuff out and said we had to sleep on the couch. Her dad saw us moving our things and got really angry with the nan and kicked her out of the house. But the Nan came back after and was sat on the couch crying. X’s mum took us out for something to eat to get away from them, but when we got back the nan was still there. Now everyone’s angry and upset and they’ve started getting drunk.’ I’d be over there like a shot.

Just read your update. Your BIL sounds hilarious his story really made me laugh out loud 🤣. I like the sound of your husband’s family. Have you ever watched tv series Raymond with the over bearing - well intentioned - MIL and the big brother who always put his foot in it. I wish you well for your remaining holiday 😊

the 14 year olds will say
I dunno

the 14 year olds wont care!