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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Congressdingo · 03/08/2021 06:57

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

Good for you, not all of us are so saintly. I couldn't bear visits three times a week from the same person let alone a weeks holiday with them. And of course OP can make the husband choose. At this point I'd make the husband choose.
seashells11 · 03/08/2021 07:01

She should just go home and let you enjoy your holiday. Try to resolve it all peacefully if you can. Sounds like you'll have your work cut out, but don't upset the kids because of her. What a thoughtless woman.

newnortherner111 · 03/08/2021 07:03

Glad it's all worked out, though there is a part of me that wishes MIL sold the holiday home so a local person could live there all year round.

Cadent · 03/08/2021 07:04

@SpindleWhorl

Suppose you had a financially very poor friend and you offered to treat them at a fancy restaurant, but then, when there, proceeded to only order for yourself and refuse to get them any food

Just to say, this actually happened to me once, a long time ago.

@SpindleWhorl - tell us more?! Please tell me you walked out?
seashells11 · 03/08/2021 07:07

Sorry just read your update. Glad it's all working out Op. Enjoy your hols. Smile

Caffeinemonster · 03/08/2021 07:21

OP can I just say well done for how you handled that situation. You removed yourself to calm down, used the power of MN to have a rant and get things off your chest, and everyone is still friends.

KatherineSiena · 03/08/2021 07:30

@Caffeinemonster I agree the OP has been very level headed and sensible.

In most families there is a bit of give and take at different times and you have handled this with good grace. It’s very good of you to include your MiL in so much but it shouldn’t be to the detriment of your relationships with your DH or DC nor indeed your work. For me the constant interruption while you are working at home should be tackled again. MiL’s loneliness can’t be cured by interrupting your work life that’s patently unfair.

burritofan · 03/08/2021 07:35

What a glorious update. The introduction of BIL’s unique brand of madness is excellent.

Seconding the point that if I were a teen friend tagging along on someone’s family holiday and all this happened I would be FASCINATED and it would be the highlight of the holiday.

Please keep us updated this morning as MIL wakes and decides not to head home after all…

NoSquirrels · 03/08/2021 07:50

Well done, OP. Your ILs sound lovely really, even if sometimes a bit much.

You do say you’ve asked your DH to have a chat about boundaries but I really do think you need to decide for yourself your own boundaries around MIL popping in. You don’t have to host tea 3x a week in your working day and indeed if I did this then complained to my DH to fix it he’d tell me to stop offering, then. And he’d be right.

Hopeisallineed · 03/08/2021 07:57

Great update. Sounds like you are very self-aware…Lockdown has made us realise lots of things. Hope you enjoy the rest of your holidays.

TorringtonDean · 03/08/2021 07:58

This is the problem with family holiday homes. Great in theory but then relatives who you don’t get along with terribly well feel entitled to turn up unannounced. Better to go on your own holidays.

Nomorepies · 03/08/2021 08:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

BountyIsUnderrated · 03/08/2021 08:13

To those going ooh it's her holiday home, you don't have the owner of your hotel/villa popping into your resort when you are on holiday.
She should have politely asked is it ok if I pop down not just turned up.
Sounds like she needs a lot of attention and lacks boundaries to me.

MarianneUnfaithful · 03/08/2021 08:14

I want to know where to get the excellent chips!

Roselilly36 · 03/08/2021 08:19

Too many conditions attached to using this accommodation for me, I would never return. Inexcusable to just turn up uninvited. I put up with years of MIL inviting herself on family days out. It isn’t on, I would never put my kids in an awkward position like that with their families.

LillianGish · 03/08/2021 08:21

Sounds like a good resolution, but I think the lesson for the future is not to go to her holiday home without expecting a visit - even if it’s not planned. It’s a gift with strings - even if it’s not offered as such. As you only live ten minutes away there’s really no need to spend holidays together. We used to have holidays with MIL, but we lived in another country so that was when we all saw each other. Living ten minutes away, it sounds like your MIL has no life of her own. Your DH’s family sound lovely though - I wonder why he has bad memories of the holiday home?

Conchitastrawberry · 03/08/2021 08:28

Yanbu. Even if the children’s friends weren’t there would she be expecting your two teenagers to share? I’d be angry too but I wouldn’t put your DH in a difficult position. I’d probably offer her your room to save your children being embarrassed if she doesn’t leave.

Honestly I’d not use the house again either.

RadandMad · 03/08/2021 08:38

Why is there always a completely random post like this!!

@MichelleScarn On every thread there's always a small percentage of holier-than-thou virtue-signalling saints who just love to come on are parade their greater sensitivity/moral superiority. And relish the opportunity to tell someone off for not being as obnoxious perfect as they are.

overthethamesfromyou · 03/08/2021 08:39

Have fun sailing today Smile
Hopefully it will all be put down to a huge misunderstanding and get yourself a garden cabin to work in when you get home!

Drainedagain2 · 03/08/2021 08:40

What's the story with the inheritance a pp mentioned?

LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2021 08:53

I've read the first 100 posts (and will go back to read the rest in just a moment) but based on those posts, your MiL has to go home.

She offered the house to you for the week.
You checked to see if she was going to arrive/be there when you arrived and she said she wasn't.
You checked to see if your kid's friends could join them and she didn't have any objection to that either
Then she arrives in and expects everyone to shuffle around her.

Not a flipping chance would that be happening.

Doesn't matter if you paid for the holiday or not. She made the first move of offering you the home for the week and you accepted. She can't renege on that or suddenly apply terms and conditions to it.

Ok - I'm going back to read the rest of the posts (from post 101 onwards to see how this has panned out).

Feedingthebirds1 · 03/08/2021 09:02

@Drainedagain2

What's the story with the inheritance a pp mentioned?
There is no story. The poster who said it was (without any evidence) accusing OP of putting up with her MIL so as to make sure they get their inheritance. It was a very snide post and brought in something that had never come into what was happening.
LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2021 09:04

Having read the posts, what I think you need to do is the next time she is at yours for Sunday dinner, or popped over for a short visit, you need to explain that she just cannot pull a stunt like she did on the holiday.
She looked deranged to the friends of her grandchildren by just arriving, unannounced and then the rest of the crap that was pulled (your BiL also needs a talking to, as does your DH for thinking that it was going to be handled discreetly by his brother).
When you go on holiday, be it to her place or somewhere else, unless you specifically invite her along, she is not invited.
It is good to have boundaries and to apply them. It establishes healthy relationships.
Best of luck when you have that conversation with her.

diddl · 03/08/2021 09:04

I guess the kids having friends there maybe blurred it away from a family holiday iyswim.

That said, she shouldn't have been trying to move people around & should have kipped on the sofa & left the next say imo.

I can't help thinking yu were a bit rude to ask if the kids could take friends & if you worded it as in the OP she might have felt she couldn't refuse?

Overall though it's lack of boundaries & feeling she can do as she wishes-& usually being able to!

Must be a shock when you think that you are well liked & your presence turns out to be so unwanted!

starrynight87 · 03/08/2021 09:09

Your DH needs to be more involved in asking her to stick to boundaries.

In the future, do not holiday with her.