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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 02/08/2021 13:15

@Starjammer. yeah maybe OP is a massive Sound of Music fan and always posting online about Christopher Plummer!

fairgame84 · 02/08/2021 13:15

John is being unreasonable.

My ex was a joiner and an absolute twat but if I ever needed a job doing he would help as its was his child's home. He wouldn't see me out of pocket for something he could fix because that money I would save would benefit his child.

Starjammer · 02/08/2021 13:16

[quote HaveringWavering]@Starjammer. yeah maybe OP is a massive Sound of Music fan and always posting online about Christopher Plummer![/quote]

harriethoyle · 02/08/2021 13:20

He is entitled to maintain his boundaries and not fix this for you, imo.

Drivingmeupthewall · 02/08/2021 13:21

@BillMasen

If Katie was a lawyer and John needed legal advice should she provide it for free?

If Katie was an account and should she do Hihns tax returns for free?

Are people really this thick, or just pretending to be because they have exes that they hate?

Neither of those things would benefit your child directly. However, heating and hot water to wash, would.

Can you not see the difference between a hot bath and a tax return?

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 13:22

I'd have thought John would have been happy to fix the boiler if it isn't a big job. It's rather mean of him to decline as he is a plumber and it affects his children after all.

If the op was well off, no doubt she would call a plumber and - she may have to if ex doesn't lend a hand.

thedancingbear · 02/08/2021 13:23

He's not obliged to fix it.

It would be a kind thing for him to do. But where 'kindness' is in short supply between two people, that usually applies in both directions. It's simply impossible to say whether he is being reasonable or not without the full back story.

Fernando072020 · 02/08/2021 13:24

Sounds like Sarah doesn't want John helping to keep his kids living comfortably. And John needs to grow some balls and tell her to bugger off.

I've not rtft...but I'd say it's pretty clear you're Katie...

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 02/08/2021 13:24

John should fix the boiler.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 02/08/2021 13:25

Sarah sounds staggeringly insecure and John is a complete wet blanket. This isn’t anything like providing free legal advice. It’s a man who is in a position to make sure his children’s home has a working boiler and hot water, and chooses not to because his insecure girlfriend might be pissy with him. Pathetic.

ChannelJackieWeaver · 02/08/2021 13:25

John should fix. None of Sarah's business. ( based on the information shared in 1st post unless there is a drip feed).

MzHz · 02/08/2021 13:25

@Kalvinette

I dont see why Sarah's opinion is even coming into this.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

Yeah fucking hell, you help (your kids ffs) because you CAN!

Who is the super arsehole here? Has Katie been a complete bitch to John about child access?

Howshouldibehave · 02/08/2021 13:26

Depends how much Katie takes the piss expecting John to do stuff round her house and not paying him.

thedancingbear · 02/08/2021 13:27

@Applesonthelawn

He's not technically obliged to fix it but it wouldn't bloody kill him and would add to the general goodwill between the parents which would have positive ramifications for all concerned. So stupid not to, and speaks volumes that he won't.

Maintaining 'general goodwill between the two parents' is a two-way street and we've no idea what the OP/her mate's behaviour has been like.

Original poster

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 13:27

PLUMBER, sorry guys.. auto correct!

In terms of Maintanence, he pays the required amount. If the children need something and I can't afford it myself he always helps when I ask. So if there's a school trip and I can't afford it I would always ask him to help and he always does. That said, I rarely ask him for much extra. But people pointing out his input won't cover half the costs has actually annoyed me slightly, I'd never really considered it as I'm very independent and rarely ask for help and I do usually have a safety net for this kind of thing but just had a run of bad luck which has caught me out.

Had he of said no when I asked originally I'd of probably been fine with it. But as he said yes happily and the backtracked it makes me feel like Sarah has put her foot down and that annoys me.

OP posts:

Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 13:29

Just text him being straight about how you feel

thedancingbear · 02/08/2021 13:29

^Yeah fucking hell, you help (your kids ffs) because you CAN!

Who is the super arsehole here? Has Katie been a complete bitch to John about child access?^

Just how much free work is he expected to do on his ex's house? 10 hours a year? 1000? How much paying work is he expected to turn away?

MzHz · 02/08/2021 13:30

Is John paying child maintenance?

Immaback · 02/08/2021 13:33

John needs to pull the finger out and get the boiler sorted. And Sarah can bore off.

lightlysparkling · 02/08/2021 13:35

I can't imagine being so bitter and twisted that I'd ever do anything to disadvantage my children. How bloody miserable.

MzHz · 02/08/2021 13:36

@thedancingbear

^Yeah fucking hell, you help (your kids ffs) because you CAN!

Who is the super arsehole here? Has Katie been a complete bitch to John about child access?^

Just how much free work is he expected to do on his ex's house? 10 hours a year? 1000? How much paying work is he expected to turn away?

Katie could pay him if it was about money, he could do it in his free time

This is not about free work for some random this is to help his kids

What a piss poor example it is to the kids.

We’re cold and unwashed at home, but daddy and his new friend Sarah let us bath once every other weekend and once in the week.

Pair of selfish cunts.

My old next door neighbour would have helped me in this situation.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 02/08/2021 13:36

I'd be sending the kids for baths every night...

You ex doesn't have an obligation but given the situation and the info you've given (and by not jumping to conclusions from this limited info and assuming you're a harpy who calls him every two minutes to demand repairs, extra money and refuse access) I would say it's the decent thing to do if it's within his power to help you out. It's a couple of hours and he wouldn't be out of pocket for parts.

I don't get their selfish mindset TBH.

funinthesun19 · 02/08/2021 13:39

I think on the face of it, John should come and fix it.
Unless it’s a big job and it will eat in to his working hours and he loses work. Then I think Katie needs to wait until it’s convenient for John to come round.

Also if he needs to pay for parts then Katie should foot the bill for that too. Same if it’s a going to take a while.

If my ex was a plumber I would turn to him first. But I would also understand that he’s not at my beck and call and, same with John not being at Katie’s. I would also understand that it may cost me money, and Katie should know that too.

dworky · 02/08/2021 13:40

@Kalvinette

I dont see why Sarah's opinion is even coming into this.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

This

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/08/2021 13:40

Well you're not john because I think a plumber would know it's not spelt plummer

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