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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
LemonFantaGin · 02/08/2021 12:43

@WildBurd and is John Corgi registered?

Starjammer · 02/08/2021 12:45

I think it's kind of sad and petty, really. I'd hope that if DH and I ever split up and there was an issue affecting his child that he had the ability to come round and fix, he would do it (and I would do the same).

John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

But they barely have the kids? Weds evenings and every other weekend? So this seems like lip service at best. 'Allowing the kids to bathe' - it's their father's home, they have to be 'allowed' to bathe there?

FunMcCool · 02/08/2021 12:46

Yes it’s reasonable to pay a plumber.

It would be kind and decent for John to help fix the hot water for his children. If you ask me John isn’t very nice. Sophie should have no input at all.

WingingItSince1973 · 02/08/2021 12:53

@8monthsinandcranky

It’s not about Katie or John FFS it’s about children who don’t have heating or hot water at their primary residence.

Just like every other aspect of parenting, if you have the ability to ensure your children’s basic needs are met and choose not you…. You are an AH!! In this situation John is capable of fixing his kids boiler and choosing not to. Sarah is a bit of D* for getting involved really, not her kids, not her house, not her business Grin

Absolutely! Why are people not getting this??? Basic human kindness to the children he helped produce and only sees part time. Does he really want them traipsing all over to have their basic needs met when he has the ability to fix it? Just doesn't comprehend in my world.
ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 12:55

[quote LemonFantaGin]@WildBurd and is John Corgi registered?[/quote]
It hasn't been Corgi for years. It's Gas Safe

mam0918 · 02/08/2021 12:57

is there a court order in place or is this casual co-parenting?

If theres a court order wont it say whose responsible?

I imagine since the children live with the mother as a main carer and just visit the father at weekend that the father would be partially responsible to cover the cost because it effects their children.

Same way the non-custodial parent has to pay child maintences to cover part of the rent, gas, electric, water, food, medical expenses etc... So if its an easy fix it would be in everyone interest to just fix it himself so he not pay half the cost of someone else to come do something he could for free (unless it requires ordering expensive parts or a whole new boiler where the cost would be split).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2021 12:58

If John is able to fix the boiler, eg not booked up elsewhere, he should. His kids live there after all. He’s not obliged to but a decent person would.

If he refuses Kate will have to pay someone but it’s a pain for her and unnecessary.

Sarah’s opinion is irrelevant.

Clarice99 · 02/08/2021 13:00

They're John's children. If he's qualified to fix the boiler then as a responsible, caring, loving parent he should fix the boiler. And if any new parts are required, Katie might wish to foot the bill for these and give John 'a drink' for the labour.

In the event that John's strings are being pulled by Sarah (who has absolutely bugger all to do with this), then he's an utter tosser for depriving his children of hot water and entering into 'game playing'.

If John is not a gas safe qualified plumber, then Katie needs to employ someone who is.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 13:00

I’ve never heard of extra maintenance being due to repair the RP house. Maintenance is normally a % of earnings and any extra is voluntary?

1forAll74 · 02/08/2021 13:00

If the guy is a plumber,it would be the most reasonable thing to do, to help the ex and their children, no matter what this Sarah woman says. Things should not be made difficult in a situation like this..

Crabbitcrab · 02/08/2021 13:00

John fixed the boiler and told you that it would probably need repairing again in the future so why didn't you start putting money aside for it then? I'm shocked at how many women on here who expect their ex's to fix their problems "because it's his children's home". Going by that logic it's upto the ex to replace broken washing machines/fridges/cookers if mum is skint because it affects their kids.

MyriadeOfThings · 02/08/2021 13:00

I think that a nice person would want to help, esp as he knows that children, HIS children are then going without hot water (what would he have done if it was winter and there was no heating either? Let them be cold?).

Yes on paper, the OP should be able to deal with that on her own. But as a one off, I think this is mean.

I also think this will have an impact on your relationship on co-parenting tbh. I mean I wouldn’t look well on someone who is happy to leave his own children struggling just to make a point.

HaveringWavering · 02/08/2021 13:01

How can you be

(A) a plumber
(B) the ex wife of a plumber; or
(C) the live in partner of a plumber

and not know how to spell "plumber"?

adeleh · 02/08/2021 13:03

Just imagining a thread in ten years time where the OP points out that her Dad left them in a house with no hot water, even though he was a plumber.

It was OP's Dad who gave the boiler a temporary fix.

Of course he should go and fix the boiler and OP should pay for the parts.

MyriadeOfThings · 02/08/2021 13:03

@Crabbitcrab

John fixed the boiler and told you that it would probably need repairing again in the future so why didn't you start putting money aside for it then? I'm shocked at how many women on here who expect their ex's to fix their problems "because it's his children's home". Going by that logic it's upto the ex to replace broken washing machines/fridges/cookers if mum is skint because it affects their kids.
Well the OP HAD some money aside….

And sometimes, life is shit and everything comes all at once. Asking for help isn’t a weakness or something to avoid. And it certainly totally different from always relying on others to solve problems for you.

I think when the mother of your dcs is asking for help and it is clear she isn’t taking the piss, then the nice thing to do is to help. Just like you would help a dear friend or your adult children.

Sarahlou252 · 02/08/2021 13:03

If John is a professional plumber and he has been asked to sort out a problem where his children live then he should absolutely offer to help fix it, no question in my mind.

cansu · 02/08/2021 13:05

If you are friends then it comes down to whether John is a twat or not. I would help out a close friend in your position. The fact that you also have kids together makes it even more obvious. Offering to let the kids bathe there just makes it seem even more petty. In any case you can't make him help you. I would tell him its a shame he has taken that approach after you had established such a good co parenting friendly relationship. I would then say not another word. I would however take the children there every morning and every evening to bathe. I would make it as inconvenient as possible for them.

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/08/2021 13:07

John does not have to fix the boiler for his ex but since in this case it would make his children's life better - he really should. Any good dad would use his skills to help his children.

If you are right and it is Sarah's influence... I wonder how she will feel about the many sudden child-visits that might need to be made while the boiler isn't working :).

Figgygal · 02/08/2021 13:09

He could have done this for his kids
In his own time so not suffering a loss financially if that was the issue.

It isnt that you are asking him to do anything totally random in the house this is his trade and he can resolve the problem to his kids benefit quicker than getting a random in - what a twat

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 02/08/2021 13:10

OP, no hot water here either
Also have an unexpected car bill - we could be soul sisters but I have no plumber ex. I feel your pain though Brew Cake
Both the boiler and the car have an impact and not all of us have savings. As others have said, whilst your ex is not obliged to, it would be the decent thing to do. I am sorry that he isn't and hope he steps up for the uniform or at least, it gives him food for thought.

Starjammer · 02/08/2021 13:12

@HaveringWavering

How can you be

(A) a plumber
(B) the ex wife of a plumber; or
(C) the live in partner of a plumber

and not know how to spell "plumber"?

It looks like a phone autocorrecting to a last name.
HaveringWavering · 02/08/2021 13:13

John should repair for free but charge Katie for the part at trade price, giving her a few months' credit if it is very expensive. It's ridiculous for a father who has a skill that can ensure got water for his kids not to use that skill to do so. He can easily do it do when he would not normally be working. Sarah is pissed off because it will eat into her time with him.

Greenmarmalade · 02/08/2021 13:13

Of course he should fix it!!

Applesonthelawn · 02/08/2021 13:13

He's not technically obliged to fix it but it wouldn't bloody kill him and would add to the general goodwill between the parents which would have positive ramifications for all concerned. So stupid not to, and speaks volumes that he won't.

VodselForDinner · 02/08/2021 13:14

I think John should fix it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s one job that will benefit his children.

I think Sarah should mind her own business and stop stirring shit.

(And I think Katie should learn to spell “plumber”)

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