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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 02/08/2021 13:42

I do usually have a safety net for this kind of thing but just had a run of bad luck which has caught me out

Are you expecting him to do it free?

ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 13:42

My husband has reported dangerous work done by the same engineer, twice. Both times the HSE just got the engineer to sign and say he wouldn't do it again Hmm. John is being a real prick to not just fix it.

GrumpyTerrier · 02/08/2021 13:42

Yes he should fix it because it would be for his kid's welfare.

Seems obvious that Sarah has vetoed it.

ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 13:46

But if John is a Heating Engineer and you keep calling him a plumber he is probably very annoyed and refusing to do thr job to demonstrate they are not identical trades

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 13:46

Some comments here have got me thinking.. some say John shouldn't have to fix the boiler for free and he should charge me for his time. It got me thinking about another scenario and I wonder if it works both ways?

John has a car accident a month ago and wrote off his car. He was given a van with only 3 seats so therefore, cannot collect the kids when he sees them. Usually he picks up to take to his and I pick up to bring them home. Currently I'm doing all the drop off and picks up. Should I be charging him for my time/expenses for doing his share of the driving? I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't even mention it in passing to him as my kids like going to see their dad and I'm happy to make that happen. But those who think it's so black and white that he shouldn't spend his time helping me.. should I spend my time (and fuel) helping him? Both situations are benefit to the children, a working shower and contact with their dad. It has absolutely no impact on my life whatsoever if they go to see him so it doesn't really benefit me to take them.

Just seeing some comments about making his life harder or being difficult in return, I don't really understand that mentality because ultimately the only people who miss out and get hurt are the kids surly? I've always just done what it takes, whether it's a disadvantage to me or not and there's no way in hell I would have a partner who a) wasn't prepared to support his children's mother and b) who ever tried to tell me what to do in regards to my kids or my ex.

I really hope we aren't heading down a path where his girlfriend interferes with our parenting, it's worked for us all this time. Our kids see 2 parents who despite not being together respect each other and work together, I'd be so upset if we got to a point of tit for tat or that's not my problem.

Maybe he shouldn't fix the boiler, maybe I'm just feeling a little out of control as I'm kind of up against a wall with not many options.. and the options I have would take from the kids and I'd like to think he'd rather help than know they'd have to go without or I'd have to ask him for more help with things directly for them like the uniform/hobbies which would cost him more than the time fixing my boiler would cost him anyway.

OP posts:
PerciphonePuma · 02/08/2021 13:49

@PheasantsNest

You are obviously Katie as if John was a plumber he would know how to spell it. It's Katie's responsibility to get it fixed. John doesn't live there anymore.
But his children do.... HmmHmm
Baileyscheesecake · 02/08/2021 13:49

His children use the boiler and are suffering as a result of him not helping. He should help to do something that is easy for him to help with and his children will benefit. Anything else is just being awkward for no reason.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 13:49

And just to be clear, I wouldn't expect the job to cost him. I would pay for parts, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange paid work or take time off to do it now. And if it was a huge job he couldn't do then that's fine.

And just to confirm he is gas safe, he does fix boilers for work as well as all other PLUMBING work.

OP posts:
hyperbole001 · 02/08/2021 13:54

John should fix the damn thing. What kind a 'father' would refuse? FFS

Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 13:55

I'd text saying you're really disappointed that things have to become complicated but if he doesnt plan on helping you out he will need to find a car this week as you wont be helping out acting as a taxi service for him.

So not only do you have to look after the kids full time you also have to drive them to him for his weekend fun time? Fuck that.

PerciphonePuma · 02/08/2021 13:55

@Datingandnoideahowto

So I’m highly qualified in a specialist area.

By this logic if my ex needs advice in that area I should give it to him for free?

That’ll be a no.

This isn't advice though, this is about HIS children having heating & hot water (time of year need not matter as we can potentially have some cold weather anytime over the next few weeks)
Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 13:56

Maybe sarah can sort the car since shes so involved!

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 13:58

@hyperbole001

John should fix the damn thing. What kind a 'father' would refuse? FFS
This. Why on earth wouldn’t he?
ChainJane · 02/08/2021 13:59

John should stay out of this, it's Katie's boiler and therefore her problem. If she wants John to fix it she should pay for everything including his time. The fact his kids are without hot water is irrelevant, Katie needs to book the heating engineer ASAP (even if that costs more because of the urgency).

John's only obligation is to pay child support.

Drivingmeupthewall · 02/08/2021 14:01

@ChainJane

John should stay out of this, it's Katie's boiler and therefore her problem. If she wants John to fix it she should pay for everything including his time. The fact his kids are without hot water is irrelevant, Katie needs to book the heating engineer ASAP (even if that costs more because of the urgency).

John's only obligation is to pay child support.

Oh, it’s you again.
PerciphonePuma · 02/08/2021 14:01

@bakinbiscuits

And just to be clear, I wouldn't expect the job to cost him. I would pay for parts, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange paid work or take time off to do it now. And if it was a huge job he couldn't do then that's fine.

And just to confirm he is gas safe, he does fix boilers for work as well as all other PLUMBING work.

You NEED to have a heart to heart with him. Explain that you'll fully respect HIS decisions but that you're not prepared to accept his girlfriend interfering in your co-parenting etc etc Thanks
Ijustknowitstimetogo · 02/08/2021 14:01

@bakinbiscuits

And just to be clear, I wouldn't expect the job to cost him. I would pay for parts, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange paid work or take time off to do it now. And if it was a huge job he couldn't do then that's fine.

And just to confirm he is gas safe, he does fix boilers for work as well as all other PLUMBING work.

If you pay for the parts I suppose John could do this in his spare time (as it is his children) so it wouldn’t interfere with his job earning money.

I’m coming round to John and Sarah are BU, not you. Smile

ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 14:02

I'd ask if the offer of their facilities includes lifts there and back!

You can't force him and it is disappointing. I do rather wonder if Sarah is itching to cause tension and she'd enjoy you upping the ante on the driving etc.

I'd ring some trade places like part or plumbcentre and ask who they use for their own boilers. That's what DH recommends to people he can't get too quickly enough.

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 14:04

Considering how obliging you have been when HE was stuck, makes his refusal even worse.

What a waster.

Freddiefox · 02/08/2021 14:04

@bakinbiscuits

And just to be clear, I wouldn't expect the job to cost him. I would pay for parts, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange paid work or take time off to do it now. And if it was a huge job he couldn't do then that's fine.

And just to confirm he is gas safe, he does fix boilers for work as well as all other PLUMBING work.

Whilst I understand you don’t want the children to suffer and be tired for tat. This weekend I would say that unfortunately somethings come up and you are unable to drop the children to him, so it’s down to him sort out the situation. I think people often think choices are made in isolation but they have consequences. His choice of not standing up to sarah changes a long standing good relationship you have both had and he has to see it’s a problem.
ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 14:05

Its annoying when people think doing work for parts cost only is in your "spare time". It's your usual WORK, just unpaid. Anyone else would be paying overtime

Neighbours are awful for this!

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 14:08

@ArianaDumbledore

Its annoying when people think doing work for parts cost only is in your "spare time". It's your usual WORK, just unpaid. Anyone else would be paying overtime

Neighbours are awful for this!

He’s not a neighbour. He’s the children’s father.
HaveringWavering · 02/08/2021 14:08

@ArianaDumbledore

Its annoying when people think doing work for parts cost only is in your "spare time". It's your usual WORK, just unpaid. Anyone else would be paying overtime

Neighbours are awful for this!

It is completely different when you are doing the work for the benefit of your own dependent minor children.
Bingbongbash · 02/08/2021 14:12

John should absolutely fix the boiler. What is the point of being a plumber if you won't sort out your own kids' hot water. John is an arse for even having to think about this.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 02/08/2021 14:15

It benefits his children with the basic necessity of hot water so I cannot see why this would be an issue for him to fix it. I would tell him though that as you were doing him a favour with ferrying the children on his contact days you are surprised he initially agreed and then backed out. Make him look at it that way.

I have seen this with my friend. Her and her divorced husband had a great co-parenting relationship but the minute he got a new girlfriend suddenly that all changed as she felt threatened by their friendship. She didn't see that it benefited the children just that wasn't how she did co-parenting with her ex-husband like hers was the gold standard. It wasn't even nice never mind friendly, very hostile and she believed you should hate them, never do them any favours, no swapping of contact time etc.