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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 12:14

@Datingandnoideahowto

Well he is losing money because he’s not getting paid for his time.
Presumably he’ll fix it around his normal working times. My oh does the gardens of 3 elderly neighbours for free either in the evenings or Sunday mornings. He doesn’t think that they’re costing him money, because they’re not. I’m sure the op is not expecting her ex to turn down another job to work for her for free
Maskedrevenger · 02/08/2021 12:14

I think John is being short sighted about not helping with the boiler, the way I think he should see it is it directly benefits his kids and indirectly benefits his ex. They have a good co-parenting arrangement with flexibility built in that benefits everyone why mess that up? Surely Katie is going to feel less willing to change arrangements to suit him if he doesn’t step up to help on this occasion? Presumably a new boiler, if required, is expensive so Katie should pay for that and/ or any other parts. John should be willing to do the labour ( even if it has to be an evening or weekend to fit round his paid work). If his kids didn’t live there the majority of the time John should tell Katie no chance and Sarah should butt out.
Not the same but when my son and his ex partner were setting up their home we helped a lot with money for essential furniture, white goods etc ( there was a good reason why we did this and the whole story is very long) to benefit both them and our grandchild. His partner then asked him to leave shortly afterwards, my son was upset and felt he wanted to take all the stuff with him that we had gifted them. We told him not to we said that our grandchild needed a decent home and the things were left to benefit our grandchild directly and his ex indirectly. We then helped our son get set up again in another flat. My son and his ex now co parent really well and although they are both in new relationships they all work together as a team when necessary. This mature relationship would not exist if he had taken the goods away from the house just so that his ex didn’t have the beyond them.

GreenYellowRed · 02/08/2021 12:16

Katie needs to sort ot without relaying on her ex. Her house, her responsibility.

Maskedrevenger · 02/08/2021 12:17

Benefit not beyond

pinkcircustop · 02/08/2021 12:18

John doesn’t have a responsibility to fix the boiler just because they’re his kids.

Katie finds a plumber willing to do the work (that may include John) and pay them however much it costs.

Pumpkinstace · 02/08/2021 12:18

John is a plumber but you say it's a boiler issue.

You might need a gas man, not a plumber.

I know it's a dual trade and he may be both.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/08/2021 12:19

John is a wanker and Sarah needs to keep her beak out

Looubylou · 02/08/2021 12:19

John doesn't come out of thus looking very good does he? Making a point to his ex priorised over helping his children. What an arse. Sarah needs to wing her neck in.

Downsize2021 · 02/08/2021 12:21

When my boiler broke, the husband of the person I got my puppy from who is a gas safe engineer travelled over an hour to visit my flat to help me. I know that's not a reflection on your situation but it's made me very grateful for how kind people can be. I hope you get it fixed and if not feel free to pm me if you'd like info about the govt boiler scheme I used.

RB68 · 02/08/2021 12:21

John needs to understand his kids are fist priority here. If the relationship is OK between you then he should offer assistance with parts being paid for.

Sarah sounds insecure and childish to be honest

Roselilly36 · 02/08/2021 12:21

It’s his children’s home, of course if he is registered Gas Safe, he should fix it. Sounds like Sarah has him under the thumb.

5128gap · 02/08/2021 12:22

On paper John is unreasonable, but in practice doing work for people you know can be a nightmare, as can getting someone you know to do work for you.

Fairyliz · 02/08/2021 12:23

Wow he should repair it, his children live there. Perhaps Katie could pay him cash at mates rates to make up for any other job he has missed out on.

8monthsinandcranky · 02/08/2021 12:25

It’s not about Katie or John FFS it’s about children who don’t have heating or hot water at their primary residence.

Just like every other aspect of parenting, if you have the ability to ensure your children’s basic needs are met and choose not you…. You are an AH!! In this situation John is capable of fixing his kids boiler and choosing not to. Sarah is a bit of D* for getting involved really, not her kids, not her house, not her business Grin

LemonFantaGin · 02/08/2021 12:27

When it comes to boilers and gas I'm partly with John, my DH is a plumber, but he will not touch the boiler, it is very different training.

Jennylou88 · 02/08/2021 12:28

Of course John should fix the boiler his children live there!!! It's his kids who will be cold and without hot water.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/08/2021 12:28

To those posters saying should they help their exes with advice over legal or financial advice are missing the point. John’s help is going to directly improve the lives of his children. He can do the repair (Katie can replace the parts if needed) in his own time and it will directly benefit his children. To be petty and withholding of help in this specific issue is shitty.

If no help is forthcoming from John, then if I was Katie, I would become totally inflexible regarding the children and make sure that he was paying the correct amount of child support down to the last penny. This would be the loss of all goodwill on my behalf.

IcedSpice · 02/08/2021 12:29

John is a dick - this directly affects his children, and if the katie/john relationship is civil then why the fuck not?

HeronLanyon · 02/08/2021 12:32

Hohn should/could fix the mother of his children’s boiler, the boiler of the house his children live in. Start May be fearful Hohn will get roped into all sorts of maintainence but this is exceptional. It’s his skill, an expensive job, a problem which needs seeing to quickly, something for which you can wait ages to get an appointment. So it doesn’t set some wierd precedent.

pictish · 02/08/2021 12:32

I’m totally in the ‘fix it John’ camp.
His kids live there. If Sarah is intercepting owing to jealousy or something, Sarah is a nob. John is a nob for going along with it.
Yanbu.

HeronLanyon · 02/08/2021 12:32

No idea who Hohn is !Grin perhaps John’s secret fellow plumber boyfriend ?

LuvMyBubbles · 02/08/2021 12:34

Sorry I think he should help fix the boiler. He is still there dad and they are family still. If they get along and it's not abusive then yes as a plumber I think he should do it.
I'm going regular maintenance is different

BobLemon · 02/08/2021 12:34

I’m glad to hear that you and John are amicable and I do hope you can stay amicable. The dynamic between you will change over time, I think that’s a normal thing that happens as two people start to build lives apart from each other. Continue to focus on keeping up great co-parenting and best of luck for the future and for your boiler! Flowers

lazylump72 · 02/08/2021 12:36

morally why wouldnt he help? but its not his house eother so he is under no obligation and sarah should keep her sticky beak out sarah sounds very insecure about the co parenting but thats another issue totally!

WildBurd · 02/08/2021 12:36

How big a job is it?

How many hours?

And how fully booked is John currently?

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