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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 02/08/2021 17:39

Next time you're due to take the kids to his tell him you can't because you're waiting for the plumber to turn up.......

Erwhatno · 02/08/2021 17:57

You’re not bu op

Marmitemarinaded · 02/08/2021 18:16

If you are not entitled to any help as a single parent of three children

You are on a high income

TankFlyBossW4lk · 02/08/2021 18:26

It's really sad this is even a discussion. If John's Dad asked him to fix his boiler, I suspect he'd just do it. So, his kids and the mother of his children don't have hot water. She's not just some random person. She did have children with John. Why be so immature.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 18:32

@Marmitemarinaded

If you are not entitled to any help as a single parent of three children

You are on a high income

That's not entirely true.

I do earn a decent wage, but it isn't a high income. the only help I get is standard child benefit and maintenance. Maintenance is saved for birthdays and Christmas. Child benefit pays for a take away treat of their choice and the rest split for pocket money.

So my wage pays all the bills, car, food, clothing, school trips etc.

I'm on my own so I don't have anyone contributing to the home costs. So even on a decent wage running a home with 3 kids I don't have loads of spare cash.

OP posts:
Cerebelle · 02/08/2021 18:40

I've never understood the mindset of avoiding exes just because they are an ex. I have romantic relationships with people I like and unless the breakup was awful, I usually still get on fine with them. They basically turn into mates. He is BU.

Sadiecow · 02/08/2021 18:56

@Marmitemarinaded

If you are not entitled to any help as a single parent of three children

You are on a high income

And that does not necessarily mean OP is better off, it just means she's not entitled to benefits.

I also don't see the relevance of OPs salary and the desire for the children's father to fix a boiler?

OP has not claimed poverty?

tenredthings · 02/08/2021 19:26

John should fix the boiler so his children can wash. It's nothing to do with Sarah.

Theunamedcat · 02/08/2021 19:32

@Marmitemarinaded

If you are not entitled to any help as a single parent of three children

You are on a high income

Not necessarily
AndTime · 02/08/2021 19:46

Assuming there is no massive backstory and they split amicably and get along most of the time then yes I think John should fix it, it's his children's home.

If it's a big job or requires parts then Katie should pay for that, if it's a half an hour twist of a spanner job then it should be a favour.

misssunshine4040 · 02/08/2021 19:53

@Kalvinette

I dont see why Sarah's opinion is even coming into this.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

This 100%
JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace · 02/08/2021 19:56

Maintenance is saved for birthdays and Christmas. Child benefit pays for a take away treat of their choice and the rest split for pocket money.

Couldn’t some of this be redirected to boiler repairs / school uniform if you’re struggling? It’s none of John’s business how you spend the maintenance, obviously, but I can understand his thinking a bit more if you’re claiming you can’t afford essential things (and asking him for help with these) because you’re saving money for discretionary spending.

He should still fix the boiler, though, and work out the finances later if necessary.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 02/08/2021 20:03

Sorry but is that actually the case, that you save all the child maintenance their dad pays for buying them Christmas and birthday presents?! Either he pays almost nothing or you spend an obscene and inappropriate amount on their presents!! That money is for supporting them day to day not spoiling them rotten twice per year. What use is thousands on Christmas presents if they don’t have hot water?! Utter insanity.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 20:24

It's not all for birthday and Christmas, i also save for university/cars/driving etc. They each have a savings account I pay into, I just meant I don't use that money to contribute to household bills it gets spent entirely on them.

I also don't see the relevance of what I earn and how I spend it, his maintenance is the minimum, and that was worked out 2 years ago so he probably actually pays below average now as it hasn't increased at all. I could take the money out of one of the children's savings accounts and pay easily, but why would he want me to do that when he could help?

I do understand he isn't obliged to help me, but I also know I couldn't sit back knowing he had an issue at his home that impacted my children and refuse to help even though I can.

OP posts:
DreamAboutSleep · 02/08/2021 20:44

Wow. My ex and I help each other out however we can as we both want to make sure our children are well cared for. To refuse to fix the boiler of the house where your children live when you are a plumber, words fail me at how callous that is! Confused

DreamAboutSleep · 02/08/2021 20:49

Jesus some of these posts! The OP's income has nothing to do with it. It is his kids' home and they have no heating/ hot water of course he should fix it given it's what he does for a living anyway. What is wrong with people?

Bookworm20 · 03/08/2021 09:33

@DreamAboutSleep

Jesus some of these posts! The OP's income has nothing to do with it. It is his kids' home and they have no heating/ hot water of course he should fix it given it's what he does for a living anyway. What is wrong with people?
This 100%
MaMelon · 03/08/2021 09:48

@DreamAboutSleep

Jesus some of these posts! The OP's income has nothing to do with it. It is his kids' home and they have no heating/ hot water of course he should fix it given it's what he does for a living anyway. What is wrong with people?
Exactly this.
Couldhavebeenme2 · 03/08/2021 09:51

John's a dick. Fix the boiler at cost/mates rates.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 03/08/2021 12:07

*Marmitemarinaded
“If you are not entitled to any help as a single parent of three children

You are on a high income”*

Honestly the assumptions of the uninformed amazes me.

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2021 12:19

I’m afraid I’d start being awkward re dropping off/picking up kids-isn’t it blurring boundaries?!

I hope the gf isn’t interfering, it”s none of her business. The children need hot water for washing, getting clothes clean, everything! He could easily come and sort this out. I’m appalled he won’t.

Sadiecow · 03/08/2021 12:30

@Cherrysoup

I’m afraid I’d start being awkward re dropping off/picking up kids-isn’t it blurring boundaries?!

I hope the gf isn’t interfering, it”s none of her business. The children need hot water for washing, getting clothes clean, everything! He could easily come and sort this out. I’m appalled he won’t.

Unfortunately this is the attitude he has started, sad as previously you had been accommodating.

He should've thought about this (or his girlfriend, if she is driving it)

Onthebrink87 · 03/08/2021 14:14

If a non resident parent isn't paying 50% of what it costs to raise his children (and let's face it, they very rarely are) then in actual fact, they are a part of the reason the other may not be able to afford emergency repairs.

John's being an arsehole and Sarah is completely irrelevant.

happinessischocolate · 03/08/2021 15:06

When I moved house 10 years after splitting up with my ex, he and his brother helped me move to the new house. Ex's girlfriend picked our kids up from school, took them to McDonald's and then brought them home.

If ex was a plumber and my boiler needed fixing I would totally expect him to WANT to help out. And trust me he's been a totally useless father at times, but he wouldn't leave his kids without hot water.

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 16:49

@happinessischocolate

When I moved house 10 years after splitting up with my ex, he and his brother helped me move to the new house. Ex's girlfriend picked our kids up from school, took them to McDonald's and then brought them home.

If ex was a plumber and my boiler needed fixing I would totally expect him to WANT to help out. And trust me he's been a totally useless father at times, but he wouldn't leave his kids without hot water.

Similar here

I was very ill and my ex swooped in - picking up my prescriptions, ferrying children here there and everywhere, picking me up groceries etc.

Would he fix my boiler if he knew how to? Hell. Yes.

Would I think he “should” and that it is his responsibility? No. We are divorced. It’s my house. My boiler.

Would I be pissed off? Hell. Yes.