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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
CH381 · 02/08/2021 15:34

This!! God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies. She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve?? It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. He says she is bullying me and I think he’s right

diddl · 02/08/2021 15:36

@Hankunamatata

Ask if john has a mate who can repair since he has now said no. Most gasfitters know each other and can someone to do for mates rates
Wouldn't asking for mate's rates be a bit cheeky when you could just as easily do it yourself?

Fine to ask for a recommendation of someone who is reliable & will do a good job though.

Taliskerskye · 02/08/2021 15:45

Just stop helping him
You’re living in la la land if you think that your kind amicable relationship is going to continue now that someone else has decided he shouldn’t help you out.
Just say you can’t drop them off anymore

Clarice99 · 02/08/2021 15:46

@Datingandnoideahowto

Because I’m in that exact situation with an ex who wants something for free.
That, my dear, is abundantly clear from your 'reactive' unhelpful posts Grin

John is arsehole. It's his children who are being caught in the middle of this.

Blueskytoday06 · 02/08/2021 15:46

@CH381

This!! God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies. She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve?? It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. He says she is bullying me and I think he’s right
Wrong thread ??
Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 15:48

@Clarice99 I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t quote or tag me. I’ve stepped away from this thread and have started my own thread for support.

Thanks.

hellcatspangle · 02/08/2021 15:48

If John is seriously refusing to fix the boiler at the house where his children live, John is a dick.

Grapewrath · 02/08/2021 15:51

Of course John should ensure his children have hot water at their home. No question.

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 02/08/2021 15:55

I think it's fair to point out you have been dropping them off OP and shit-stirring Sarah can now pick them up. Or they have the kids witht hem until boiler is fixed (except I suspect he will then not pay maintenance?)
So I would drop them both at the house for showers and baths twice a day without towels but I am petty like that...

eekbumbler · 02/08/2021 15:59

I've been split from my partner for 12 years - lets call me Katie. John has had many different relationships over the years.

I can tell you from experience the only person stopping John from fixing the boiler would be Sarah.

John left Sarah when his best friend died and realised that Sarah was being a cow towards his child and ex and making life difficult. John said life is too short.

John and Katie are friends again and will even holiday again with their child. Sarah is a bitter old woman.

John sometimes does the bits of gardening Katie cannot reach.

walksen · 02/08/2021 16:09

Katie should have home emergency cover. It is not clear if John is a plumber or heating engineer and has any training or experience with the boiler in question, if he can work on it without affecting any warranty or guarantee claims.

He should probably be able to give some advice on the way forward but shouldn't have to financially subsidise an ex partners household costs.

If he didn't do the service or work on the boiler when he lived there he shouldn't do so now.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 16:12

@walksen

Katie should have home emergency cover. It is not clear if John is a plumber or heating engineer and has any training or experience with the boiler in question, if he can work on it without affecting any warranty or guarantee claims.

He should probably be able to give some advice on the way forward but shouldn't have to financially subsidise an ex partners household costs.

If he didn't do the service or work on the boiler when he lived there he shouldn't do so now.

It is clear.. I said he's gas safe and it's his job.
OP posts:
Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 16:15

@eekbumbler

I've been split from my partner for 12 years - lets call me Katie. John has had many different relationships over the years.

I can tell you from experience the only person stopping John from fixing the boiler would be Sarah.

John left Sarah when his best friend died and realised that Sarah was being a cow towards his child and ex and making life difficult. John said life is too short.

John and Katie are friends again and will even holiday again with their child. Sarah is a bitter old woman.

John sometimes does the bits of gardening Katie cannot reach.

Im glad you've got back to how it should have always been! I hope this is a blip and sarah will either accept he needs to be a good father or he'll kick her to the curb because he realised she's being a cow!

I ended a brief relationship the first time he tried to tell me that I shouldn't be sending pictures of the kids to my ex as we don't need contact when he doesn't have the kids and contact should be on a need only basis! I hope John sets similar standards so we can continue to prioritise our children!

OP posts:
walksen · 02/08/2021 16:15

I had a gas engineer come to look at a viessman. He admitted he had no clue how to diagnose a fault but would have to make educated guesses on parts to change. He was s registered installer for Worcester and back though.

Is he a registered installer for the boiler you have in your property and did he do all the work and servicing on it while you were together?

Herecomesthesun70 · 02/08/2021 16:30

[quote Datingandnoideahowto]@Clarice99 I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t quote or tag me. I’ve stepped away from this thread and have started my own thread for support.

Thanks.[/quote]
Let's hope you get more support than you offered here

SoniaD · 02/08/2021 16:37

Technically it's not his responsibility but it would be nice if he would fix it.

Clarice99 · 02/08/2021 16:37

[quote Datingandnoideahowto]@Clarice99 I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t quote or tag me. I’ve stepped away from this thread and have started my own thread for support.

Thanks.[/quote]
In response to your quote, had you not quoted me, there'd be no need for me to quote you.

I second a previous poster - I hope you get more support in your thread. You certainly haven't provided any support or empathy to the OP on here.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 02/08/2021 16:38

Obviously John is not legally obligated to help with your boiler so no one can say what he should or should not do. However his children are directly affected. Even if they can wash at his place, their mother is likely to be stressed and not happy, which is not good for them. So from a moral point of view if John can help them then surely he “should”. Not sure of the ages of the children but they will wonder why he’s not helping with his expertise!? That likely won’t make any sense to them. It’s a great shame that Sarah is poking her nose in, she shouldn’t be! Hopefully John will come to his senses.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2021 16:56

Maybe someone will come along and word this in a less complicated way but I think you should consider contacting him and put it to him something like this:

I thought we had a really good co parenting relationship going and I want to always help you where I can and am right now as you don’t have a car at the moment. I thought it was the same with you so I’m confused right now, especially as we both want what is best for the kids. And having a working boiler at both our homes is the best thing for them. I can’t afford uniforms and to fix the boiler because I’ve just had a big repair bill to the car.That’s the car I’m taking the kids to and from your house so that they can see you. Because it’s important they see their dad.

yourestandingonmyneck · 02/08/2021 16:56

@guinnessguzzler

His kids are living without hot water, he has the skills and tools to fix this, and he hasn't done it yet?
Yes, this sums it up.

Bloody hell, talk about over complicating things. Fix the boiler.

Marmitemarinaded · 02/08/2021 17:07

If you really can’t afford
Contact your council
They will help if you’re on UC and without heating and have children

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 17:22

@Marmitemarinaded

If you really can’t afford Contact your council They will help if you’re on UC and without heating and have children
I'm not on any benefits, I work full time and not entitled to any help so that's not an option.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/08/2021 17:24

Do you qualify for a new free boiler or can you buy now pay later one through British gas?

Pay for it via the fuel you will be saving not ferrying the children around on his ask

Member984815 · 02/08/2021 17:25

His kids live in the house so I think he would want to fix it

ForeverSausages · 02/08/2021 17:34

I don't think YABU OP. Ironically my car broke down a few months ago. Ex is a mechanic and repaired it for me (I paid for parts). I was surprised he did but he said that I need the car for our child. It was as simple as that. If my ex needed my help with something I do for a living that has an effect on our child, I would do it without thought.