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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 14:52

@MolyHolyGuacamole (I’m not but). No.

The kids live with me. If he’s losing his home it’s because he’s fucked up. Plus he wouldn’t listen to me anyway.

Fieldsofstars · 02/08/2021 14:52

He’s awful.

If this was me I’d message and ask if he could come for dinner so we can discuss co parenting. His response to this or if he’s even allowed to do this will tell you everything you need to know and allow you to process and put the children first in future.
If he gos to dinner you’ll be able to discuss and hopefully not have such a shitty situation again where your children are left without water for whatever reason his reasoning is.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 02/08/2021 14:53

@Datingandnoideahowto

Why should I have to lose money because my ex wants a freebie?
You're taking this very personally. You keep repeating the same thing.
Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 14:53

@Datingandnoideahowto

In what way concerned his children?

The op has no hot water - she can use an immersion she doesn’t have to use a boiler? Since that’s the issue.

My ex not seeking appropriate resolution to his current issue means my kids won’t stay there (even as adults) and they’re with me which is fine so no issue.

I don't have an immersion heater.. if I did then I wouldn't have a problem that needed an immediate solution.

The boiler isn't working so therefore I have no heating or hot water, obviously no heating isn't an issue right now.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/08/2021 14:53

I woukd get a plummer and remember this lack 9f help next time he wanted a favour that didn't suit me

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 14:53

Because I’m in that exact situation with an ex who wants something for free.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 02/08/2021 14:54

[quote Datingandnoideahowto]@MolyHolyGuacamole (I’m not but). No.

The kids live with me. If he’s losing his home it’s because he’s fucked up. Plus he wouldn’t listen to me anyway.[/quote]
Ok so good situation is different to OP's ex. The kids live mainly with you anyway. OPs kids live mostly with her, so him not helping directly affects the children. Can you not see the difference?

Lindaloo08 · 02/08/2021 14:54

@ChainJane

John should stay out of this, it's Katie's boiler and therefore her problem. If she wants John to fix it she should pay for everything including his time. The fact his kids are without hot water is irrelevant, Katie needs to book the heating engineer ASAP (even if that costs more because of the urgency).

John's only obligation is to pay child support.

When his children live there really? Why should 1 parent have to pay all repairs etc. especially when the other parent has the skills (and probably trade price costs for parts) to do it. He should be fixing, he can cover the cost of it as well or else contribute. He obviously thought the same if he agreed straight away but then changed his mind (with a sway from someone else)

His only obligation, they're his children and as OP said they have a good parenting relationship, why sour that for a few hours and some money.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 14:58

@Datingandnoideahowto

Because I’m in that exact situation with an ex who wants something for free.
But your situation is clearly different to mine and he's well entitled to say no if he wishes to, but he didn't, he said yes then let his girlfriend change his mind.

And for what it's worth, I'd do anything in my power to help him if it was beneficial to our children. I wouldn't purposely make something difficult for him if I could easily fix it. I'm helping our children, not him.
But to be fair, I'd help him if he needed it.

OP posts:
AddressLabel · 02/08/2021 14:59

If John has regular contact with the children the relationship sounds fairly harmonious, so If John was a decent bloke, since it’s to his children’s benefit, he should at least offer to fix for cost of parts, or “mates rates”. Bit mean otherwise.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/08/2021 15:00

You'd think he'd want to help out, and to make sure his kids have hot water. Of course he should do it, and not charge. I can't see how it would be a question of boundaries, or how he wouldn't want to help HIS OWN CHILDREN .
Sarah should butt out, nothing to do with her at all.
He's being a git for this even to be an issue.
Let me guess, he pays minimum CMS as well.
Nothing worse than a tightwad, if you are Katie you are well shot of him.

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 15:01

He doesn't own the house, I do. He stayed in our home and released half the equity for me to purchase another house.

He lives close by, 10 minute drive so it isn't really out of his way to help me.

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 02/08/2021 15:04

John should fix the boiler. He's a prick if he doesn't. If Sarah is stopping him she's an even bigger prick

3peassuit · 02/08/2021 15:06

Of course he should fix it. Any parts needed, he can charge at cost. Why on earth would a father not do that for a home his children share?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 02/08/2021 15:07

John's only obligation is to pay child support.
What a sad low bar you set with a statement like this.

Bookworm20 · 02/08/2021 15:10

John is a knob. He has the skills to fix a problem in the house where his dc and the mother of his dc live and he isnt going to do it. What kind of a father would do that? Even if it cost him the parts ffs. He is their father and you are his children's mother.

Sarah is also a knob. What kind of woman wouldn't be berating her partner for NOT helping the mother of his DC in such a scenario.

I am separated from my DC's father and we are not always on the best of terms, it is sometimes quite strained especially since other partners came on the scene to add a degree of complication. But I know for a fact that if there was the same scenario and he had the skills to fix the issue he would be there in a shot.

And vice versa. He is the father of my dc and if he needed my help in such a situation and I was able to help, I would give it.
And both partners would not blink an eye. In fact I am confident that both would be appalled if the other didn't help.

I honestly can't understand the replies that say he shouldn't help because he doesn't live there. Just because parents have separated, as there are DC involved there is basically a lifelong responsibility there to ensure their wellbeing, and if that means fixing the sodding boiler in the other parents home, then that is what you do.

Blueskytoday06 · 02/08/2021 15:13

Katie so you're not reliant on a bloke - just buy a policy that covers you for breakdown repairs. If you have to barter with an ex then you need to find an alternative, regardless of whether or not you think John should help, the answer is no. That way you just call the number & someone comes without argument.

Perhaps what's really peeving you is Sarah's opinion.

MrsMaizel · 02/08/2021 15:16

John needs to go and fix it so that his kids can live properly !

However are they separated or divorced ?

Is the house 100% Katie's ?

If John still has a financial interest in it then he should do it because of that . Even if he doesn't he should because he is their father ! Why make the mother of your children out of pocket for something as basic as this ?

Buffoonborisisatwat · 02/08/2021 15:16

Does John have any skin in the game ? ie does he still have a financial interest in the house with the broken boiler? If so, he probably wouldn't want to pay someone else to do the job he's trained to do for his own property.

If not (which I suspect is the case) why should he do free work on someone else's house? Katie shouldn't have asked John and just called a competent plumber without involving him, apart from maybe asking John for a recommendation.

if John has a financial interest in the house and refuses to fix the boiler which means you have to pay someone else, he's a mean arsehole, but there's nothing much you can you about it.

Sarah can keep her nose out of it all.

Sadiecow · 02/08/2021 15:17

@Datingandnoideahowto

Katie should either get another plumber or pay John the going rate.

If I was John I’d decline too because that’s blurring boundaries and suggest a mate Katie can get to fox the boiler.

Don't apply for a detectives role, she could be Sarah?

John should fix the boiler, if parts are needed Katie should pay for those.

Bookworm20 · 02/08/2021 15:24

If not (which I suspect is the case) why should he do free work on someone else's house?

Because his KIDS live there?

And its not 'someone elses' house. Its the house where the mother of his children lives. Not some random stranger.

sashh · 02/08/2021 15:25

John should

a) fix the boiler because he can and it is his children, he should charge for parts and labour and if he is a nice guy the labour would be at mates rates.

or

b) the children should go stay with John until Katie has arranged for a plumber, taken time off work, saved up the money to pay.

This is from the information supplied.

If John used to live in the same house then he should have known roughly how long the boiler would last and not wither replacing it or warning Katie is a mean cunty thing to do.

icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 15:28

Sarah needs to keep her nose out.
John should fix the boiler (or at least come and have a look and advise, as it may need replacing).
Katie should pay for parts (and send a message to John to make it clear that she doesn't just want a freebie).

diddl · 02/08/2021 15:29

It would be handy for them to stay with their dad-but maybe Op doesn't want that?

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2021 15:34

Ask if john has a mate who can repair since he has now said no. Most gasfitters know each other and can someone to do for mates rates

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