Who is right here?

[bakinbiscuits]

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

I agree with the above.
''I'm really disappointed- I didn't feel this was crossing boundaries, I thought we had a healthy co-parenting relationship where we wanted what was best for our children, hence me driving them back and forth to visit you at no benefit to me. In what world would their father see them without hot water when he's capable of fixing it?

I will pay for someone else to fix it, as and when I can afford it, but please bear your decision in mind before you ask me to help you out in the future.'

Perhaps you should point out the car situation to your ex. You’re currently doing him a favour by dropping off/picking up the kids.

John should fix the boiler. I can't imagine letting my kids go without something like hot water when I was able to fix it. Sarah sounds like a keeper .

I think I'd reply along the lines of it's his contact time and his responsibility to pick up his kids, but you do it for him as you thought you had a good co parenting relationship and wanted to do him a favour so it's a shame if he wants to change things going forward

Monday night one child has a shower at his, Tuesday night child shower, Wednesday night he has the kids so all 3 shower, Thursday night child shower, Fri child shower etc etc... Saturday and Sunday, they are either at his, or he takes one for a shower each day. Every night, every week til you can afford to get the boiler done.

If it is only one child he can do the pick up and drop off. What father would refuse his child access to a hot shower?

(what father would refuse to fix a shower if you are on his case every single night)

Imagine this. John is a locksmith. Katie calls to say she is locked out. Nobody else has a key. John is at home 5 minutes away with all his tools,watching TV. Should John insist that Katie call out a locksmith and pay full rate to get her and the kids back inside?

John needs to fix the boiler in his children's House surely?

Yes and I've said he should fix it, and he's being a knob. I was merely commenting in general that it isn't "spare time" when you do your trade for free/cost parts only. Because it's your usual work.

Katie should deliver all John's children and their dirty laundry to Daddy.'s house while she employs a professional to fix the boiler.

She should call out an emergency 24/hour plumber to fix the boiler. Preferably on Sunday night next week. Meanwhile gf Sarah cares and cooks for, cleans and entertains John's kids while John attends to summat urgent which lets him off any parental responsibility.

Then Katie sends half the repair bill to John so that half their children can continue to enjoy baths, showers, clean clothes and dishes etc.

That's fair innit?

FWIW OP I would expect your ex-partner to help you out for his kids' sake esp as you are offering to pay for the parts. Good luck.

@LemonFantaGin

When it comes to boilers and gas I'm partly with John, my DH is a plumber, but he will not touch the boiler, it is very different training.

I would assume John is gas save registered. I doubt he would have looked at the boiler before if not. If he isn't then yeah he is an idiot. Seriously random but love your username.

My partner is also in this trade and I cannot imaging him not helping someone out especially with young children. John should be making it his priority. Not necessarily for free that is something for him and the OP to discuss.
@bakinbiscuits you are not being unreasonable.

I'd text saying you're really disappointed that things have to become complicated but if he doesnt plan on helping you out he will need to find a car this week as you wont be helping out acting as a taxi service for him

This is tempting, but would he say that they can’t have a shower then?

@Datingandnoideahowto

So I’m highly qualified in a specialist area.

By this logic if my ex needs advice in that area I should give it to him for free?

That’ll be a no.

But what if it was advise that concerned his children?

I think you should tell him that you've done some phoning around and the soonest you are going to be able to get this sorted is next week.
With that in mind you will be dropping the children off at his to spend the entire week with him, as a house without hot water is not suitable for kids.

In what way concerned his children?

The op has no hot water - she can use an immersion she doesn’t have to use a boiler? Since that’s the issue.

My ex not seeking appropriate resolution to his current issue means my kids won’t stay there (even as adults) and they’re with me which is fine so no issue.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

This.

If it only going to cost John time and possibly minor bits to fix it then he is a dick for not helping, Sarah is a prick if she has actively discouraged John from helping.

I would expect Katie to pay for any large parts, but would think that John would help by getting them at trade price for no profit.

John is a dick.

What immersion... I have a combi boiler, no immersion....

no boiler, no hot water.

I’m really upset because apparently I’m mean for not helping out my ex when the only cost is my time. Sigh.

Do you often project yourself into scenarios that have no bearing on your life (or reality) and the get upset about them?

I can’t believe any Dad wouldn’t want to ensure his kids have hot water - what a twat

@Datingandnoideahowto

So I’m highly qualified in a specialist area.

By this logic if my ex needs advice in that area I should give it to him for free?

That’ll be a no.

Now quite. If you're a housing lawyer and your ex was facing wrongful eviction that may cost your children their home, I'd hope you'd give advice.

@billy1966

Don't rush to have it fixed. Ask him to collect the children for showers over at his, until such time as it is possible to fix it.

What an absolute waster to not want to do this for his children.

Some men.🙄

This. Best he and Sarah would rethink the situation.

It does seem churlish of him doesn't it?

I suppose he has offered a solution re the kids.

How far away is he Op?

I'd be saying no on the grounds of having to save & not being able to justify the petrol & he would need to fetch/bathe/return them.

And along those lines he'll obviously have to fetch/drop off for his visits from now on.

Does John still own the house with Katie ? In which case he could help to fix for the children. And even if not if he felt inclined to he could help out. I genuinely don't know if Sarah's opinion matters or not.