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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 04/08/2021 08:39

Toxic food pushers need to be reined in, forcefully if necessary, this is a huge issue.

Hmm we are still talking about a slice of cake right?

SweatyPie · 04/08/2021 08:43

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'That's not even the same context, skinny in relation to food refers to supposed health benefits I.e. less fat. Not the same as calling a person skinny.'

Try nit to be absurd. The single greatest purpose of reducing the calories/sugar/fat content of a food is to effect weight loss/maintain a healthy weight/prevent weight gain.

Slim/average weight is not "skinny" for the last time. Skinny is rude. Just don't talk about people's weight in general

People wear skinny jeans because they're tight fitting not to look skinny. People consume "skinny" foods to lose weight. Weight loss does not equal skinny.

Maybe for the older generation skinny is in, for mine, it is not. That's skinny, not slim, which are not synonymous.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 08:48

@Weallloveted

Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt.

Why not just prostate at their feet while you're at it?

morningteaisthebest · 04/08/2021 08:53

[quote M4J4]@Weallloveted

Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt.

Why not just prostate at their feet while you're at it?[/quote]
Because in real life, a little kindness goes a very long way.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/08/2021 08:54

I accept that 'skinny' in the contact of jeans means skintight - although I in fact cited them as an example of the popularity of the phrase in response to someone who suggested it had fallen out of favour.

I don't use it to suggest it means 'of average size' or indeed to describe bodies at all. You're the one who suggested 'skinny' (as a description of bodies) has a completely different meaning when using it to describe calorie-controlled foods. Which is of course total bollocks 🙄

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/08/2021 08:56

Don't prostate at anyone's feet, ffs. Can't even imagine what that might look like. Not 'kindness', that's for sure 🤮

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 08:58

@morningteaisthebest

Because in real life, a little kindness goes a very long way.

Food bully is not being very kind is she? But that's apparently ok Hmm And no one has suggested anything nasty anyway.

morningteaisthebest · 04/08/2021 09:04

I just think in real life, with real office relationships, it's better to be tactful, diplomatic and kind where possible. It generally makes working life more pleasant.

I am also hugely sympathetic to anyone with eating disorders and insecurity. The "feeder" (and that sounds uncomfortably similar to referring to women as "breeders") is probably not a very happy person.

You're very welcome to feel differently of course, but there's no need to put me down for putting forward my approach, or to be so abrasive.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 09:08

[quote M4J4]@morningteaisthebest

Because in real life, a little kindness goes a very long way.

Food bully is not being very kind is she? But that's apparently ok Hmm And no one has suggested anything nasty anyway.[/quote]
Responding to unkindness with unkindness is a toxic spiral.

Detaching is healthier. Leave the unkindness with the person it started with, and maintain dignity by not sinking to their level. That's not the same as condoning the unkindness.

Zhampagne · 04/08/2021 09:08

@morningteaisthebest

I know I'm super-late to this one, and appreciate that most people would tackle it directly or with a boss or just say "no".

But if you worry about conflict like I do, and don't fancy some kind of argument; in the past I've just said "oh that looks lovely, let me save some for lunch/dinner".

Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt.

Meanwhile I bloody hate people eating in meetings, I can't deal with the noise and I have been loving work from home where people haven't done it as much, or I've been able to turn the volume right down.

OP is recovering from a binge eating disorder. Would you suggest that someone quitting smoking take a cigarette to be polite, or that a recovering alcoholic accept a bottle of wine and secrete it in their bag?
M4J4 · 04/08/2021 09:09

@morningteaisthebest

What a ridiculous post. Feeder is not similar to breeder and someone disagreeing with you is not putting you down.

RhonaRed · 04/08/2021 09:09

I have to say I'd have been hurt more by someone going through a charade of acceptance and I hate waste, but we are all different.

I am a baker and homemade cake lover! However I did come across someone who told me they threw away (whole!) cakes they'd been given for hygiene fears and then noticed yet more people's comments at school fetes about similar fears that I really never give out cakes anymore.

Anyone with excess, remember most can be frozen.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 09:10

@TheFoundations

Responding to unkindness with unkindness is a toxic spiral.

Who has suggested unkindness? You're reading things that aren't there.

DillonPanthersTexas · 04/08/2021 09:33

Who has suggested unkindness? You're reading things that aren't there.

There has been a litany of suggested passive aggressive responses on this thread. The cake women (TM) has been accused of being a bully, having an eating disorder, playing office power games, being a feeder and various other slurs projected on to her. I would say that qualifies as 'unkind'.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2021 09:34

DillonPanthersTexas
I agree with you. A polite and repeated "no thank you" is enough.

It's a huge leap to decide that a slim person bringing cake in must be a feeder with an eating disorder.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 09:48

[quote M4J4]@TheFoundations

Responding to unkindness with unkindness is a toxic spiral.

Who has suggested unkindness? You're reading things that aren't there.[/quote]
Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt

You sarcastically suggested that being kind in return to unkindness, was tantamount to 'prostate (sic) yourself'

It's not. It's a good way to deflect the unkindness from yourself, rather than partaking in it. I can see from your posts here why you don't get it, though.

Alcemeg · 04/08/2021 10:04

@LolaSmiles

DillonPanthersTexas I agree with you. A polite and repeated "no thank you" is enough.

It's a huge leap to decide that a slim person bringing cake in must be a feeder with an eating disorder.

Definitely! and having been called "skinny" back in the days when I cycled 40 miles a day to/from work, I remember it being said with a certain envious venom that I think has seeped into the thread title.

Glad OP plans to talk to her in private, that's a civilised approach that does not automatically assume deliberate spite on her part.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 10:10

@DillonPanthersTexas

There has been a litany of suggested passive aggressive responses on this thread.

A litany, and yet you can't name one?

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 10:12

Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt

You sarcastically suggested that being kind in return to unkindness, was tantamount to 'prostate (sic) yourself'

It's not. It's a good way to deflect the unkindness from yourself, rather than partaking in it. I can see from your posts here why you don't get it, though.

Wow you do like to make up shit @TheFoundations

A pp said the bit in italics and I said she may as well prostrate herself at her feet. Because what she is suggesting is not kindness, it's appeasing a bully. I can see you don't get it though.

Original poster
Weallloveted · 04/08/2021 10:31

@LolaSmiles

DillonPanthersTexas I agree with you. A polite and repeated "no thank you" is enough.

It's a huge leap to decide that a slim person bringing cake in must be a feeder with an eating disorder.

Did you read the thread? Or even just my OP. She doesn’t take no for an answer and delights in bringing in cakes for everyone. If she wants to eat a cake to herself, cool. I have no issue. It’s the encroaching on other people’s boundaries that I dislike.

The suggestions about her having an eating disorder are not because she is slim but because it seems to important to her that others eat cake.

Sugar is pretty bad for the body full stop and it would be such a relief if we stopped normalising it everywhere - bringing in sweets and cakes all the time, ‘treating’ ourselves constantly. No wonder 66% of the population is overweight or obese. Secretly, I’d not mind a ban on bringing in junk to work (same as people can’t smoke in their offices any longer). However, I know that it’s not up to me and I can genuinely cope with people eating unhealthily around me but it’s hard when they push me to join in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weallloveted · 04/08/2021 10:41

Definitely! and having been called "skinny" back in the days when I cycled 40 miles a day to/from work, I remember it being said with a certain envious venom that I think has seeped into the thread title.

Well, yeah, it normally is said with envy whereas fat is said with disgust. I do envy her the ability to eat stuff without worrying about her weight but I don’t actually know anything about what she eats outside work and it might be that she does worry about it. But as I also said, I’ve accepted that being prone to weight gain is my lot in life and that it’s something I always need to work on. In a way, maybe there are positives to it in that I am more conscious of my health than if I could eat whatever I wanted without weight gain. Anyway, I don’t begrudge her being thin if only she’d leave me alone!

But yeah, pretty much most of the time someone calls you skinny (other than maybe if you are incredibly underweight), it will likely be tinged with jealousy or admiration. Being fat isn’t fun, not even for those who claim to be ‘body-positive’. It’s not nice to take it out on someone else of course but it is worth having some empathy. When I was at Uni, I had an obese friend who used to call others skinny and say she ‘loved her curves’. She didn’t of course and people didn’t take it to heart because it was pretty obvious what was going on. It’s like getting angry that someone says you’re too pretty or your skin is too clear or something. The most desirable models and actresses in the world are very very slim and it’s very much the ideal.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 11:17

@M4J4

Wow you do like to make up shit @TheFoundations**

Just to practice what I'm preaching here, I wish you all the very best of luck. Take care of yourself.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/08/2021 11:41

I just think in real life, with real office relationships, it's better to be tactful, diplomatic and kind where possible. It generally makes working life more pleasant

So make that suggestions to the rude cake woman who won't take "no" for an answer.

Being a doormat just results in more time spent as a doormat.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 11:41

Alright Mother Teresa. Toodle pips.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 11:42

@C8H10N4O2

I just think in real life, with real office relationships, it's better to be tactful, diplomatic and kind where possible. It generally makes working life more pleasant

So make that suggestions to the rude cake woman who won't take "no" for an answer.

Being a doormat just results in more time spent as a doormat.

So true.