Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

There is a good technique called 'broken record' you effectively acknowledge/ even agree with what they are saying and then politely say no and repeat as much as needed. Never giving a further explanation. So in this situation an example would be:

Her - 'Hi everyone, you have to try some of this cake I made it especially for you all, its a new recipe'

You: 'wow, yes the cake looks amazing, how lovely of you - I am avoiding sugar so won't have any but thank you.

Her 'just a small piece then, it won't kill you'

You 'I am sure a small piece wouldn't kill me, I am avoiding sugar so won't have any thank you'

Her 'even a tiny piece just to taste'

'Even a tiny piece, not for me thank you'

Her 'don't be so boring, look everyone else is having some'

You: 'I know I am boring aren't I, I can see everyone is loving the cake, but not for me thank you'

Her 'After all the effort I have gone to you don't event want to try it'

You 'You have gone to so much effort, so lovely of you - I am avoiding sugar so won't have any thank you.

It works as you are effectively agreeing with them but still politely refusing and not changing your reason.

If she has the audacity to cut a piece and put in front you, you just completely ignore it.

'

'Skinny' isn't complimentary, but it really doesn't carry the same negative connotations as being called 'fat'. It's not an equal insult.

Fatness is associated (rightly or wrongly) with a whole host of negative attributes - greed, gluttony, laziness etc., while skinniness is associated with self-control, discipline, moderation and perfectionism/uptightness. I'm not saying those associations are fair, but you can't deny they exist.

I have been called skinny, and it definitely wasn't the same kind of thing as being called fat.

@Macncheeseballs

I don't mind/haven't minded being called skinny

I agree but it rather depends how it's said I think. And you have to admit 'slim' is nicer.

Skinny' isn't complimentary, but it really doesn't carry the same negative connotations as being called 'fat'. It's not an equal insult.

But increasingly these days it is being used as a barbed insult. Certainly from my observations in the workplace the person being called skinny is usually a perfectly healthy weight. I'm a freelance consultant so have worked in dozen s of office environments and have numerous times seen the same cliquey bullying aimed at a women who has the audacity to not snack all day on crap brought into the office, goes to the gym at lunchtimes and generally leads a healthy life. Like on here there are snide accusations of eating disorders, that she is smug, showing off , a 'skinny mini', flirting with management and that's before you get to the bitching about what she is wearing. Seen it dozens of times and its not pleasant.

Dillon - but if you live a healthy happy life at a good weight who cares what other people think, they're welcome to their snide behaviours - if that stuff really exists, not that I've seen much of it

@gingganggooleywotsit

The people moaning about the use of the word ‘skinny’ need to get a grip. Op simply used that word to describe the situation, and for context. God, hardly the crime of the century.

Noted. So I'm ok to call my massively overweight colleague fat? Thought not.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Skinny' isn't complimentary, but it really doesn't carry the same negative connotations as being called 'fat'. It's not an equal insult.

But increasingly these days it is being used as a barbed insult. Certainly from my observations in the workplace the person being called skinny is usually a perfectly healthy weight. I'm a freelance consultant so have worked in dozen s of office environments and have numerous times seen the same cliquey bullying aimed at a women who has the audacity to not snack all day on crap brought into the office, goes to the gym at lunchtimes and generally leads a healthy life. Like on here there are snide accusations of eating disorders, that she is smug, showing off , a 'skinny mini', flirting with management and that's before you get to the bitching about what she is wearing. Seen it dozens of times and its not pleasant.

Oh it’s been around for a while. 30 years ago my ‘friend’ called me (when I was a size 8) a “skinny wee runt” when she saw a photo of me on holiday in a pair of shorts. I can still remember it 30 years later. She was bigger and taller than than me (not hard at my 5 foot 1) but I never, ever made reference to her weight like that (or even thought gave her weight a second thought tbh). For some reason though she thought it was OK to call me that - and it definitely wasn’t in a jokey sort of way.

Dillon - but if you live a healthy happy life at a good weight who cares what other people think, they're welcome to their snide behaviours - if that stuff really exists, not that I've seen much of it

Oh it very much exists. While I personally keep my social/personal life separate from the workplace I can't imagine it is much fun being on the receiving end of such orchestrated unpleasant behaviour irrespective of you being a healthy weight or not.

I have already apologised for using the word skinny. I can appreciate that some don’t like the word but it’s no way the same as being called fat. Look at the amount it’s used in marketing - ‘skinny tea’ for example. Or ‘nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels’. Or magazine covers saying ‘get skinny for summer’. You’d never see fat used in the same way. I can guarantee you that the vast majority of overweight women who post negative stuff about ‘skinny women’ would swap in an instant. Very few people are genuinely happy at a high weight.

Anyway, this thread has made me realise that I have more work to do on overcoming my eating disorder but it’s very deep-rooted as these things normally are.

@Weallloveted

I have already apologised for using the word skinny. I can appreciate that some don’t like the word but it’s no way the same as being called fat. Look at the amount it’s used in marketing - ‘skinny tea’ for example. Or ‘nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels’. Or magazine covers saying ‘get skinny for summer’. You’d never see fat used in the same way. I can guarantee you that the vast majority of overweight women who post negative stuff about ‘skinny women’ would swap in an instant. Very few people are genuinely happy at a high weight.

Anyway, this thread has made me realise that I have more work to do on overcoming my eating disorder but it’s very deep-rooted as these things normally are.

'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' is now seen as a well dodgy phrase properly consigned to the 90's dustbin. And Skinny Tea is a pretty disreputable brand in the eyes of many. So not a good epithet at all I'd say

I wish you well too OP with your problems with food. My DD is recovering from being at the other end of the scale as you. Being 'skinny' isn't necessarily a heap of laughs I can tell you. But I genuinely wish you well. We live in a. Society where food is so many things. And our relationships with it can be complex in many ways x

I have already apologised for using the word skinny. I can appreciate that some don’t like the word but it’s no way the same as being called fat. Look at the amount it’s used in marketing - ‘skinny tea’ for example. Or ‘nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels’. Or magazine covers saying ‘get skinny for summer’. You’d never see fat used in the same way.

Very true, see also skinny lattes, skinny jeans, Skinnylicious soups.....

And Jamie Oliver’s recipe for Skinny Carbonara...

'Eat 3 scoops of our delicious 'overweight' ice cream today!'

'Try our new 'fat' pizza - you'll never look back!'

Yeah, nobody would buy it. Companies hide the fact that things are fattening, and flog them because they're meant to make you skinny. The whole 'low fat' fad is an example of this.

'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' is now seen as a well dodgy phrase properly consigned to the 90's dustbin.
And Skinny Tea is a pretty disreputable brand in the eyes of many. So not a good epithet at all I'd say'

Yeah, but you're massively reaching to suggest the word has fallen out of favour. Apart from skinny jeans and skinny lattes, you can buy Skinny Cow ice cream in most supermarkets and I've bought low-sugar Nutella and maple syrup from Iceland and Amazon - I think they're called The Skinny Food Co. The epithet is everywhere.

@UnrivaledJoyofStarGazing

There is a good technique called 'broken record' you effectively acknowledge/ even agree with what they are saying and then politely say no and repeat as much as needed. Never giving a further explanation. So in this situation an example would be:

Her - 'Hi everyone, you have to try some of this cake I made it especially for you all, its a new recipe'

You: 'wow, yes the cake looks amazing, how lovely of you - I am avoiding sugar so won't have any but thank you.

Her 'just a small piece then, it won't kill you'

You 'I am sure a small piece wouldn't kill me, I am avoiding sugar so won't have any thank you'

Her 'even a tiny piece just to taste'

'Even a tiny piece, not for me thank you'

Her 'don't be so boring, look everyone else is having some'

You: 'I know I am boring aren't I, I can see everyone is loving the cake, but not for me thank you'

Her 'After all the effort I have gone to you don't event want to try it'

You 'You have gone to so much effort, so lovely of you - I am avoiding sugar so won't have any thank you.

It works as you are effectively agreeing with them but still politely refusing and not changing your reason.

If she has the audacity to cut a piece and put in front you, you just completely ignore it.

'

Quite apart from anything else, I am loving this tip! Very useful considering women are quite negatively judged for asserting boundaries sometimes!

I can appreciate that some don’t like the word but it’s no way the same as being called fat

Surely depends on the intent when the word is used. Increasingly it is used as a barb with the insinuation that you are unhealthy or as seen on this thread have an eating disorder. Older generations still use skinny as a compliment and that is a bit more understanding despite the clumsiness. Although purely anecdotal my observations is that is used by overweight people as a passive aggressive put down.

@rainyskylight

YANBU OP. I’m a recovered bulimic. One slice would put the whole day into a terrible spiral. It’s rude for her to insist.

I’m lucky enough to now be able to pick and choose when I eat sweet things and it not have awful consequences. But occasionally this does mean putting my foot down at work. For example : “sorry no it’s too soon after lunch”, or “sorry no I just had a biscuit”. “Sorry no I ate out quite a bit over the weekend”. “Sorry no it’s too close to lunch”. “Sorry no I’m going out this evening and want to have dessert”. Etc etc. If they really insist I say I will come back in a couple of hours and get some then. And then I just don’t.

Congratulations @rainyskylight.

And if I may offer a word of advice ... ? - to help the OP too, & anyone who is not fully convinced of the assertive power of their own "no":

Stop prefacing your refusal with "sorry".
"Sorry" - when you have no reason to be - negates your personal power. It puts you on the back foot, because it confers the notion that cake-eating (whatever) is a norm from which you are deviating.

Your refusal IS your norm - there is no need to apologise for it, & your cake-pusher (whatever) does not require an apology, amelioration, or excuses. A simple "no thank you" is all that the situation, & good manners, requires.

Stop prefacing your refusal with "sorry".
"Sorry" - when you have no reason to be - negates your personal power. It puts you on the back foot, because it confers the notion that cake-eating (whatever) is a norm from which you are deviating.

Your refusal IS your norm - there is no need to apologise for it, & your cake-pusher (whatever) does not require an apology, amelioration, or excuses. A simple "no thank you" is all that the situation, & good manners, requires.

Very well said.

I think I must blank the word. And don't look to buy anything branding itself 'skinny. I take your point that there's loads out there. But it ain't good is it?

There is even a fake tan called Skinny Tan. I can’t think why they would call it that if it was a negative word.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

So sick of people thinking they can say what they like about thin people. Skinny is just as offensive as fat

Oh sure it is if someone called me skinny I'd kiss them,if they called me fat I'd probably lamp them.

If that's the case, you're probably just average, not skinny. Not everyone wants to be this weight and skinny doesn't sound particularly nice. Goes hand in hand with "skin and bones/bony/anorexic". If someone pointed out I'm skinny I wouldn't like it

I don't work in an office environment but in my hobby there is a bit of a cake forcing trend. I get accused of being skinny and therefore I 'should have as much cake as possible and never refuse'... Drives me nuts being made to feel rude for just not wanting bloody cake. I am gluten intolerant and stupidly told one cake enforcer who then made me a GF cake for next time 🙄 I swear she was virtually in tears when I didn't want that one either!

Why is the thread being derailed? It's not about skinny people. People with past/present eating disorders were sharing their views and now it's being taken over.

Or slim people.