Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

I always say, I don't fancy it now but would you mind if I take some home with me to eat later and then chuck it away when I get home! Job done!

"No thank you, but you can have my portion you skinny b1tch!"

I haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this has been suggested already. OP you said that she says about depriving yourself? Tell you are not depriving yourself of a healthy diet that suits you. And keep saying - No, thank you.

'That's not even the same context, skinny in relation to food refers to supposed health benefits I.e. less fat. Not the same as calling a person skinny.'

Try nit to be absurd. The single greatest purpose of reducing the calories/sugar/fat content of a food is to effect weight loss/maintain a healthy weight/prevent weight gain.

There is a woman in our office with a full blown phobia about food she has not prepared herself ( she is very sweet otherwise). We have got used to her and do not expect her to eat stuff. You could try that as an excuse.

Otherwise keep saying “No thank you” until she gets the message!

I class these office cake pushers in the same category as the "you must get up and dance" at weddings and parties people.

But as others have said, just keep saying no thanks or if you feel like you have to give a reason you could say I'm not really a sweet tooth person or no thanks, sugary foods set my teeth on edge. But never preface it with "sorry'. Let her be her and you do you

@DufferMum

There is a woman in our office with a full blown phobia about food she has not prepared herself ( she is very sweet otherwise). We have got used to her and do not expect her to eat stuff. You could try that as an excuse.

Otherwise keep saying “No thank you” until she gets the message!

So OP has to never eat other people's food again in the office to satisfy this woman? That's insane.

@Coogee

There is even a fake tan called Skinny Tan. I can’t think why they would call it that if it was a negative word.

Presumably, Fat Tan would come in a bigger bottle.

Not as big as 'Clinically Obese Tan', though.

The whole concept of advertising things according to weight is mental, actually. It really does highlight what we see as 'desirable' and 'undesirable' in our culture. And there's no way of referring to ideal or healthy weight, that's odd. The only weight that's referred to is 'skinny', which is the least healthy sounding of the words for slim. We're really not aiming at health, are we.

@pinkcircustop

I think I also take issue with the term “feeder”. Why is she a feeder just because she’s slim and brings in treats and you can’t say no?

Your boundary and eating issues are your own responsibility, nobody else’s.

Because she brings in treats, OP says no repeatedly, & the Feeder refuses to take multiple refusals for an answer - thereby shining a spotlight on OP's discomfort with the whole situation.

It's not about cake, it's about a dominance display.
FFS it's just peculiar to insist on bringing cake to a professional meeting, & make remarks like "no work meeting is complete without cake" & insist that people have some.

If I were her boss I'd have already have taken her aside for timewasting, derailing meetings, & making people uncomfortable with her repeated insistence that they eat her bloody food.
She's there to work, not feed people sugar.

Just say no?

@roarfeckingroarr

Just say no?

RTFT?

Bring in bigger better cakes and insist she eats them. Like the scene from Matilda?

Sorry op, I’m useless at these things. I do like the suggestions others have made about just saying no. If she makes it weird and awkward that’s on her. You’re doing nothing wrong by saying “no thank you”.

Someone upthread mentioned men who say "no thanks, I'm training." This is a slightly lighthearted suggestion but I'm putting it out there anyway, just in case it appeals to you: could you sign up for a 5K/10K/half/whatever would be just enough of a challenge for you, so you can genuinely say "no thanks, I'm training"? The kind of person she is would probably respect you more for that than for what you're saying at the moment and, at a satisfyingly malicious level, it may even make her feel a bit inadequate. In my experience quite a lot of very thin people (though not all) are actually rather unfit - they don't walk much, or they would have more muscle. And as a nice side-effect, the running might make you feel better about yourself. I don't mean necessarily by changing your body shape massively, but by making you proud of what you body can do.

This might be absolutely not your thing at all and I wouldn't think any less of you if it wasn't. But if it is, it might change your life.

I'd say no, and then, if she persists, a head tilt and "why are you trying to force me to eat food. " I've told you I don't want? Why? What is your motive? I've told you, no thank you, once, so why are you persisting? "

Practice this:

No thanks

Cake cake cake

No thanks

Cake cake cake

No thanks

Caaake?

No. But thank you.

Repeat.

I really can't, thanks though.

Easy, breezy but also firm.

Make it into a game of how many times you need to say 'no thanks'

And to the PP suggesting that OP actually trains for an event in order to be able to say 'no thanks I'm training' - well that is brilliant but perhaps a little extreme depending on the OPs ambitions.

Seriously, do not underestimate the power of a no thank you!

Most of the time I try not to have processed sugar during the day, I may have something after dinner. The reason is that I have PCOS and have to be careful with blood sugar. I would simply tell her you have issues with your blood sugar which I don’t think is a lie if one piece of cake sends you spiralling (which it would me as well).

I'd say no, and then, if she persists, a head tilt and "why are you trying to force me to eat food. " I've told you I don't want? Why? What is your motive? I've told you, no thank you, once, so why are you persisting?

Ah, the famous Mumsnet patronising head tilt with overwrought scripted response gambit that if actually used in the real world would make you look like a complete arse. Surprised it took so long to be suggested.

There's nothing worse than a food bully. I remember to this day the first time I encountered one in primary school. Awful awful people and sadly every single office I've worked in has at least one. She undoubtedly has food issues herself. Just reject her food as if it were a big steaming plate of dog poo and watch her pathetic little quips wither away.

Definitely just say no thanks and change the subject immediately. The more attention and words spoken about this woman's cakes the more she will do it. If you feel put on the spot pick up your phone and start sending and pretend text. The moment will blow over and move on and eventually she will give up

No thanks should be enough! Although if that is too difficult for some reason then you could say you're pre diabetic.

She's a bully. She trying to control you by making you feel guilty for not eating her cake? Fuck that.

Tell her no.

I'd be saying something like "I think I am quite capable of deciding whether I would like a slice of cake/muffin/whatever treat of the day there is, thank you". "

If she persists "I really don't appreciate you constantly badgering me to eat".

Here’s the deal: refined sugar is basically poison, and we all eat way too much of it. It is implicated in many, many disease processes. I avoid it like the plague & really do not appreciate feeders ( because that is what your colleague is, and any posters who say otherwise are WRONG) showing up with toxic food & pressurising staff/colleagues/friends to eat it.
In that scenario, I would probably say, “thanks, but I limit my sugar intake”. If she then said, “Oh, live a little, just once, indulge”, I would respond with “I don’t see it that way”
I think you do need to take her to one side & be frank.
Posters who are laying it on you as your issue are wrong.
Toxic food pushers need to be reined in, forcefully if necessary, this is a huge issue.
And don’t get me started in bringing cake to school on birthdays!

@TheRedHen2

Just say "no thanks"

I'm not struggling with my weight but I often don't want it when it's brought j to the office.

People make comments about me "being good" but I just don't want it and I just say that. I don't justify myself and neither should you.

this. i find the office cakes from shops revolting and although a home made one might be nice, i dont really want to load up with sugar as it makes me feel a bit sick. I personally dont consider cake a 'treat' and find that such a bad attitude towards food. I also wouldnt want to sit in a meeting while people were chewing away on cake and icing. A simple no thanks, and then just look away and ignore her as she is being very rude. I too wish people brought healthy, to me tasty, treats. and i too dont struggle with weight.

I know I'm super-late to this one, and appreciate that most people would tackle it directly or with a boss or just say "no".

But if you worry about conflict like I do, and don't fancy some kind of argument; in the past I've just said "oh that looks lovely, let me save some for lunch/dinner".

Wrap it up, praise the smell or look a lot, say thank you - then bin it later on or give to someone else. No quarrel and no one's feelings are hurt.

Meanwhile I bloody hate people eating in meetings, I can't deal with the noise and I have been loving work from home where people haven't done it as much, or I've been able to turn the volume right down.