Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' is now seen as a well dodgy phrase properly consigned to the 90's dustbin. And Skinny Tea is a pretty disreputable brand in the eyes of many. So not a good epithet at all I'd say'

Yeah, but you're massively reaching to suggest the word has fallen out of favour. Apart from skinny jeans and skinny lattes, you can buy Skinny Cow ice cream in most supermarkets and I've bought low-sugar Nutella and maple syrup from Iceland and Amazon - I think they're called The Skinny Food Co. The epithet is everywhere.

That's not even the same context, skinny in relation to food refers to supposed health benefits I.e. less fat. Not the same as calling a person skinny.

@SweatyPie

The context is your inference. Other people will have different interpretations. 'Skinny' is not being used like 'fat' is used, even with reference to food. You don't see 'Extra fat pizza' being advertised. Fat is not referred to as a good thing in any advertising. Even things that have been changed to reflect more weight diversity are called something other than 'fat'.

@M4J4

Why is the thread being derailed? It's not about skinny people. People with past/present eating disorders were sharing their views and now it's being taken over.

Threads evolve like that, obviously Maybe lots of people, myself included are tired of the double standards.

I refuse cake = open invitation for everyone to make comments about my weight because I'm 'skinny'

Overweight person accepts cake = everyone commenting they probably shouldn't... Oh no, sorry that's not allowed!

'Skinny' people aren't always free of issues, medical conditions etc you do realise?
At my absolute lowest weight, I was grieving, while coping with my Dad having cancer and my marriage breaking down.
But yeh, I was skinny, so why shouldn't everyone comment?

Also, sometimes people are incredulous about the cake eating of the skinny. Nobody ever says 'How many miles do you have to run to stay skinny and eat that much cake?'

The big picture isn't looked at. People just don't like it when thin people eat a lot.

'God, I don't know where you put it all! I wish I could eat that much cake and not worry about it!' (spoken with a big smile and a tinge of bitterness)

But nobody comes with me when I get up at 6am on a Sunday and run 10 miles before anybody else is up.

And you can't say it, either. 'It's because I've run 30 miles this week, Doris, and done 2 weights sessions' doesn't go down well.

Threads evolve like that, obviously hmm
Maybe lots of people, myself included are tired of the double standards.

No, it's a thread derail. @brittleheadgirl

And no one has said only slim people should be forced to eat cake, so there are no double standards.

I think I also take issue with the term “feeder”. Why is she a feeder just because she’s slim and brings in treats and you can’t say no?

Your boundary and eating issues are your own responsibility, nobody else’s.

Becausr she's pushy with it.🤷

@M4J4

Threads evolve like that, obviously hmm Maybe lots of people, myself included are tired of the double standards.

No, it's a thread derail. @brittleheadgirl

And no one has said only slim people should be forced to eat cake, so there are no double standards.

Nobody has suggested slim people should be forced to eat cake?

People are just fed up of the fact that a skinny person is fair game when it comes to commenting on their appearance, eating habits and refusal or acceptance of food.

Answer me this, if 'Brenda' helps herself to a huge pile of biscuits at my weekly meeting at work, can I comment on her weight? Advise her that it might be the reason she's fat?
Funnily enough 'Brenda' often loudly comments on me being 'skin and bone' (I'm not) and always makes some snide remark if I decline food.

@pinkcircustop

I think I also take issue with the term “feeder”. Why is she a feeder just because she’s slim and brings in treats and you can’t say no?

Your boundary and eating issues are your own responsibility, nobody else’s.

She's not just bringing in treats, she brings them to nearly every meeting and then challenges OP when she says no thank you.

@brittleheadgirl

Nobody has suggested slim people should be forced to eat cake?

People are just fed up of the fact that a skinny person is fair game when it comes to commenting on their appearance, eating habits and refusal or acceptance of food.

Answer me this, if 'Brenda' helps herself to a huge pile of biscuits at my weekly meeting at work, can I comment on her weight? Advise her that it might be the reason she's fat?
Funnily enough 'Brenda' often loudly comments on me being 'skin and bone' (I'm not) and always makes some snide remark if I decline food.

-----

Brittle - No one has said any one should comment anyone's weight or what they eat.

The thread is about someone pushing food at people, whether those people slim or over-weight is irrelevant.

That's my point. But well done for derailing.

And you can't say it, either. 'It's because I've run 30 miles this week, Doris, and done 2 weights sessions' doesn't go down well.

That is kind of what my wife says these days just to shut people up. She eats a lot, mainly because she is a competitive rower training 6 days week, she literally needs the fuel. She is a size 12, toned rather then 'skinny' but she had all the "gosh where do you put it all" comments . They know she rows and has competed at Henley but the comments are framed as if she is just 'lucky' as opposed she was on the water 6am before work doing 16km endurance row.

Presumably she doesn't insist everyone eats her food supplies at regular meetings.

Don’t use “personally offensive” to stop other people talking about their problems. Yes you have it harder but knowing T2 is preventable and still ending up with it is difficult too.

Absolutely. And “pre-diabetic” (which is a similar concept to “borderline”) is a recognised condition.

Aside from that, and having experienced people who resist taking no for an answer, saying no firmly and repeatedly is the only way. Explain if you want to soften it but don’t stop saying no. And don’t lie about being gluten free or vegan because the rhino-skinned won’t take the hint and will rock up with a GF/vegan cake that will be even harder to say no to!

the comments are framed as if she is just 'lucky' as opposed she was on the water 6am before work doing 16km endurance row

Exactly. It's framed as luck. 'You're so lucky to be toned like that!'

Say "no thank you". If she tries again, look her dead in the eye and say "I don't want any."

@TheFoundations

the comments are framed as if she is just 'lucky' as opposed she was on the water 6am before work doing 16km endurance row

Exactly. It's framed as luck. 'You're so lucky to be toned like that!'

As I said earlier, in my 20s I was very slim and it really was just luck. I ate crap and hardly exercised. This was in the 80s when there was less awareness of the importance of exercising and eating well. It IS luck for some people.

There is even a fake tan called Skinny Tan. I can’t think why they would call it that if it was a negative word.

Presumably, Fat Tan would come in a bigger bottle.

@pinkcircustop

I think I also take issue with the term “feeder”. Why is she a feeder just because she’s slim and brings in treats and you can’t say no?

Your boundary and eating issues are your own responsibility, nobody else’s.

Why is she a feeder? Because she doesn’t just bring food in for herself - it’s always a whole cake or a box of muffins and she laughs that ‘we always have cake at meetings’. Nobody else brings it - it’s always her. If everyone else was desperate for cake every time we sit in a room together, surely they would all take turns?

She’s also a feeder because she doesn’t just accept the first no. It’s always ‘go on’ or ‘calories don’t count in here, right?’ or other jokey comments that make it awkward when I say no. As well as things like ‘wow, you’re the healthiest person I know’ and ‘you have such willpower’. I would never binge in public, it’s always when I’m on my own so no, my healthy lunches don’t reflect my overall food intake.

And for those saying ‘just say no’, well I do. I’ve said this so many times on the thread. I say no and then get some comment in return. And when you have issues with food, ‘just say no’ is super-unhelpful anyway. Wow, wish I’d thought of just saying no to my binge eating.

Finally, I’m not saying she is a feeder because she is thin. I mentioned it because I thought that she might have trouble understanding that some people struggle with weight. Maybe that’s not true. But her size has nothing to do with her being a feeder. Feeders can be any size but they get some sort of buzz out of seeing others eat which can be really dangerous for people with weight issues.

How about "no thanks. I'm not a real lover of cakes".

That may stop her as she won't want to keep highlighting the fact you don't like he me cakes!

@Weallloveted in your situation I'd almost feel like she was taunting me.

@Paq

She's rude and a bully. Say "no, thank you" and if she persists say "I said, no thank you" in as forceful a manner as the workplace deems acceptable.

You don't owe her an explanation, don't save her blushes, she'll never change if she doesn't get a direct response.

^^ This. You do not have to explain anything to anyone. I also think an excuse/reason could be argued with so just shut it down with a straight no. Don't give her any opportunity to argue.

You have to be strong and consistent. Say no every time. It goes like this....

No
No thanks
No thank you
No, I don't want cake thanks
No, I'm not hungry thanks
No, why don't you have mine? Treat yourself! Life's too short!

Never ever be swayed. Don't explain why. Just say no every.single.time. Hopefully she will give up.

Feel for you Op.

There is the food/eating aspect which makes this complex, but what would really get to me is the controlling part of all this.

I hate it when people sort of push you into things you don't want to do in the guise of "you do really" and " they know better" All friendly and jaunty.

It's very coercive and controlling. And who cares if you don't want the cake? Actually it's ONLY her.

It actually doesn't need to be just around food.

There are posters on here who have suggested good ways to say NO. I think that's what you need to focus on. How to play back and deal with what you find embarrassing. Refusing this "friendly" offer.

It's not always easy. And people who do this are often very practised and pick their moments.

But the big picture is it's a bit of cake. It's only a bit of cake. It is actually TOTALLY FINE to say No. Try to remember that.

She sounds tiresome! I’d practice a few ways to shut down the conversation that puts the focus back on her:

Why does it bother you so much whether I have a slice or not?

That’s the third time this week you’ve brought in cake, are you trying to fatten me up?

You’re starting to remind me of Mrs Doyle from that programme off the telly “go on, go on, go on”

I’d only be saying yes to stop you trying to push a slice onto me so I’ll just say no

I'd advise a private word, maybe via email, just saying that you don't want cakes and please don't offer.

She's possibly being super friendly and thinks everyone appreciates her cakes, which she really enjoys baking

Or she's being weird and controlling, potentially related to eating disorders (as said many times here). I had a friend who did this all the time, it was a way of her dealing with not eating herself and took a while to clock

Or she does just have a very fast metabolism and needs to eat all the time (I used to be like this when I was younger, very slim, very active and a vegetarian) and wants to share

Or she is somehow weirdly showing off about her fast metabolism.

I would approach with an assumption that she is acting benevolently but ask her to give the treats a break