To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

That explains a lot and makes me feel better about sitting silently and then making excuses to leave. Thank you. Interesting that that goes against the grain of so many responses here that the OP was being too pushy or not asking the right questions or was somehow at fault for it not working out.

I think the lack of interest is the crux of it. I'm interested in people — getting to know what they think, what they enjoy, their history and so on. It had never occurred to me that someone who had no interest in other people would want to go out socially in a group. But this explains the silent group of women in the pub, staring at the table, perfectly.

@Shedbuilder, I totally agree. I find other people quite fascinating and usually come away with something new and unexpected from their experiences. However, being able and willing to listen has its downsides as other people have pointed out, people like to talk about themselves.

A lady approached me in the park the other day and within five minutes I knew all about her children and her fall outs with them. It was quite bizarre. I think she just wanted to unload on someone, anyone.

Also the people who tell you details about other people, you haven't met and don't know. Why, just why? I am always thinking they must be using my life as fodder with other people. Not really conversation is it.

I don't think they are all neurodiverse. Never say never and all that but I worked in that field a few years ago and would, at least in most cases, probably notice and adjust accordingly.

I don't know. This thread has given me some answers, although not quite how I expected. I think an important factor that drives people who don't want to be at these meeting to attend anyway is that stigma of not having friends. It makes you seem unlikable, lacking social capital, etc. At least that is my working theory. And I get it - I absolutely had those moments in life when I was working, studying, and a full-time carer, and by the end of the day my brain was fried and stringing coherent sentences together was just too much to ask.
I was lucky enough to have a good local support network and friends who I could just explain this to and who were happy to make it work but if you don't have that, then it would have been really friggin difficult to make new friends at that point in my life. So maybe that is all it is, which kind of sad.

@thecatsthecats

Blimey, if they're that hard to talk to, why are you bothering?

Though I don't like talking about my interests really. My chief one being writing - people just ask very tedious questions.

I don't make a conscious effort with anyone to be honest. Either the conversation flows or it doesn't. But that's the big point - the conversation FLOWS. No long in depth conversations about anything. Books we read leads on to holidays, leads on to food, leads on to plans for next weekend, leads on to politics. Not forty minutes on the leading news of the day where we both ask incisive questions to understand our views. That's a seminar, not a conversation.

Another one who, despite all evidence to the contrary, thinks that the OP has joined meet up groups in order to deliver ‘seminars’ on her favourite topics to unsuspecting strangers.

And that it is the OP’s fault that the conversation doesn’t flow. Because she asks ‘tedious questions’. Or insists on talking for forty minutes, uninterrupted, about the leading news of the day (according to this poster, despite there being nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that). It can’t possibly be the fault of the socially inept person asking no questions at all and waiting for the OP to entertain her. No. It’s the OP’s fault, OK?

In the social event situation, like the work dinner upthread where the PP ended up with the caravan couple, I sometimes wonder whether these people are so resentful at being, as they see it, forced into a social situation that they feel that they have to punish anyone who can manage the social side. By being difficult to talk to, then boring the arse off the person attempting to do so.

The weird thing is, that not so long ago a certain level of conversational proficiency would have been not just desirable, but expected. A PP spoke about learning the art of conversation at school. Good luck being taciturn and uninterested at dinner in the 1870s, for example. Or at a ball in 1800. Or in a tavern without Sky Sports. Of course, there would have been people then who were on a spectrum, but the ‘can’t be bothered, you do all the work’ option wouldn’t have been available to everybody else.

the ‘can’t be bothered, you do all the work’ option wouldn’t have been available to everybody else.

It would, but not to women.

@YouJustDoYou

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all

Oh, they will do. They just don't want to have to talk to YOU about it.

I agree. I have a lot of interests but I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't be interested in them, I'm obsessed with crochet and embroidery for example but I don't know anyone else in my life who is, therefore I don't even mention it! I'm also very reserved and introverted and find it hard to get past boring small talk so I don't go out of my way to approach people. I'd rather just do my own thing most of the time.

Also if you've talked about your interests/opinions in the past but came across very judgemental attitudes you're less likely to venture your opinion anyway.

But you aren’t joining meet up groups, are you? That’s the difference.

I think a lot of such social ineptitude is not “can’t be bothered” and is much more “I didn’t really think I had to bother, I’ve turned up and been inoffensive, that’s enough isn’t it?”

OP you sound ace.

Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy

If someone I had just meet started trying to discuss these topics I probably wouldn't add too much to the conversation. These topics are ones that wave red flags for me, lots of room for disagreement or finding out the other person has some "unusual" views.

Maybe it's you, OP.

Ooooo @Snoozer11 who’s an edgy girl then?

I may do this if I'm talking to someone who I don't really want to talk to. I avoid going into any subject so they would hopefully just leave me alone

Of course everyone has interests, it might not be the same interests as you or they might not want to talk to you .. Simple really

@Snoozer11

Maybe it's you, OP.

Nah, it's definitely you, Snoozer.

Another one here who's love to meet OP for a chat.

@Notawriteryet

I am the mum and ex-wife of neurodivergent non-conversationalists. They literally have no interest in the other person. That’s not to say they’re unkind or think badly of the other person, they’re just disinterested. If you get them on to their special topics away they go and they’ll bore the arse off about gaming, or varieties of honeybees, or whatever. They sort of like other people’s company but don’t see the need to contribute to it. All of them can mask to a degree and when prompted can do the “have you come far?” schtick but they can’t keep it up for long.

For them the joy of company is what they get out of it. No concern whatsoever as to what the other person might be thinking. As far as they are concerned that’s not their business.

One of them is very number/list oriented. So one of his “openers” is “let me tell you my 4 facts about helicopters” and if he doesn’t get all 4 facts out, it’s almost painful! They have to be shared even if I’m shouting “no no no! Let me wee in peace!”

Luckily they are also very loving and funny and cute. Except the ex.

Only for the fact that you are definitely not my mother, you are describing my father here. I once witnessed as I was getting the hang of BFing a very new, baby in a car and couldn't move to rescue those involved my father spend a full twenty-five minutes giving a whistle-stop tour of his dental interventions in the car park of a visitor attraction to two complete strangers he'd somehow discovered went to the same dentist as him.

The aghast expression on their faces will stay with me.

My uncle has a similar style, and at the rare family gatherings where they coincide, they monologue at one another about their pet subjects.

It is very clear that the one who isn't talking at any one point is simply waiting for the other to stop so he can resume his disquisition on 'repairs to my CB radio' or 'strimmers and their capacities.'

Then again, I was in the middle of telling my father about the results of a pre-natal test for an obscure but worrying condition it looked as though DS might have, and he actually interrupted me in the middle of saying 'Good news, Dad, we just found out that the baby doesn't have ---' to cut me off to tell me about something someone he used to work with had done to his burglar alarm.

He just seems to have almost no theory of mind from his POV, he had got the information that our baby didn't have the condition, so why wouldn't he move on to another topic? We've had to have related conversations about him leaving his phone at home when he used to head out with my toddler DS and just disappear for hours on what was supposed to be a quick amble around the local park as he saw it, he knew DS was fine, so why would it be a problem that I didn't know?

Me saying patiently again and again that it's really not unusual for the parent of a small child to want to know where they are, (especially when they are with an insulin-reliant diabetic who has ocasionally collapsed and who has not brought nappies with him) just didn't register.

@riromay

I may do this if I'm talking to someone who I don't really want to talk to. I avoid going into any subject so they would hopefully just leave me alone

Of course everyone has interests, it might not be the same interests as you or they might not want to talk to you .. Simple really

Well they clearly do want to talk to the OP because, for the tenth time, they are asking to meet up with her again.

If they wanted to be ‘left alone’ they wouldn’t be joining meet up groups and doing the ‘old man of the sea’ thing, would they?

If they wanted to be ‘left alone’ they wouldn’t be joining meet up groups and doing the ‘old man of the sea’ thing, would they?

I'd forgotten that 'The Ancient Mariner', key text of literary Romanticism it may be, is also a textbook example of a gabby, unstoppable old man, who detains at the door an unfortunate who is about to go into the wedding of a close family member, and literally talks at him without pausing for breath until it's too late to go in to the feast, and the poor wedding guest just goes home.

Maybe we should all deal with persistent monologuers by shouting 'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'

I get it. I'm a quiet person and introverted but even I find it tedious trying to talk to people who have nothing to talk about. You ask any question or try to start a conversation and you're met with one word answers or disinterest, and they ask nothing back to indicate what they might like to talk about. Maybe just accept that friendships with those people won't be much fun for you. Finding friends as adults is hard.

Some people are afraid to say anything remotely opinionated/potentially contentious or anything that may be perceived as negative. I used to teach yoga and the yoga world was very like this several years ago, lots of toxic positivity and 'the universe has your back' type crap. You almost weren't allowed to have or express any kind of difficult emotion or life situation. It was weird and false and annoying. It's a bit more real now thank goodness. I still actively shy away from anything with the words 'embodied' or 'manifesting' in though!

Gosh, yes — I've met some of those. You've always got to be fine and happy and well or they don't want to know. It's really oppressive.

Big ass fist bump at you, @BlithePilgrim

It’s the Theory of Mind deficit isn’t it? And you can’t make someone see what for them, doesn’t exist!

I sometimes think it’s chemistry some people you “click” with and others you just don’t it’s no ones fault.

Your odds are higher if you live in an area with a similar demographic to you. So if you are say a tertiary educated feminist with a professional job who loves reading and paddleboarding it’s easier if you live in a town where that type congregate. I would (and did) have little in common with my farmer type classmates so I know to avoid rural areas!

Interesting discussion.

I can be reticent with some people - it sometimes feels impossible to make a conversation feel natural. I get quiet and subdued and people probably think I'm rude. In reality, I'm tongue-tied while frantically thinking of something not stupid to say, and terrified of making a fool of myself. I know it's happening and I know it's awkward, but I can't seem to shake myself out of it.

I'm better in small groups, but often freeze when I'm one-on-one with someone new. It's weird because I can be the life and soul at other times, and I make people laugh a lot. I hate those times when I'm useless.

I have been criticised for this view but I think it’s imperative to teach children social skills. It’s far more valuable than the violin or something. Some people pick these skills up anyway or they are innate in some but many don’t as this thread attests.

I used to eye roll my mother as a young teen teaching us this stuff but my god she was right. Her social skills are stratospheric she is the most popular person I know. When she retired her leaving party filled a large church hall standing room only.

It’s easy to be shy we are all shy.
Ask non intrusive questions of the other person and really listen to the answer.
Don’t bang on about yourself the whole time.
Know when to leave and never outstay your welcome.

@MsTSwift

I sometimes think it’s chemistry some people you “click” with and others you just don’t it’s no ones fault.

Your odds are higher if you live in an area with a similar demographic to you. So if you are say a tertiary educated feminist with a professional job who loves reading and paddleboarding it’s easier if you live in a town where that type congregate. I would (and did) have little in common with my farmer type classmates so I know to avoid rural areas!

Yes, I think that’s important. I wouldn’t have thought so earlier in my life, as a WC foreigner who ended up at Oxford and made a lot of friends from very different backgrounds, but it’s not so much I need people to be in any way similar to me, it’s more some kind of recognition that many types of life are available. The only place in my life I struggled to make friends was in an English village where being a working mother was virtually unheard of, so a bookish foreign academic with a PhD and a toddler wasn’t going to find her tribe.

What would the Queen do?! The real art of conversation, I suppose, is to let other people talk, and then be non-confrontational if your opinions or views happen to differ. Although quite how you manage to get them started in the first place is another matter.