Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

239 replies

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 08:09

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! Wink)

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 03/08/2021 17:51

I knew my work was done when my then 6 year old enquired of another parent in the classroom queue “do you have any nice plans for the weekend?” when there was a lull in conversation 😁

Original poster
TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 03/08/2021 17:59

@MsTSwift

I have been criticised for this view but I think it’s imperative to teach children social skills. It’s far more valuable than the violin or something. Some people pick these skills up anyway or they are innate in some but many don’t as this thread attests.

I used to eye roll my mother as a young teen teaching us this stuff but my god she was right. Her social skills are stratospheric she is the most popular person I know. When she retired her leaving party filled a large church hall standing room only.

It’s easy to be shy we are all shy.
Ask non intrusive questions of the other person and really listen to the answer.
Don’t bang on about yourself the whole time.
Know when to leave and never outstay your welcome.

I don't think you're entirely wrong. My career sounds similar to @BlithePilgrim's and the fact that my mum had drilled social skills into me definitely helped. They definitely did not come naturally to me, it was active (hard, I suspect) parenting followed by my own choice to try harder when I got older. Not to be liked (weirdly never something I aimed for) but because I genuinely enjoy meeting people from all walks of life. Not everyone needs to become a friend but I love meeting people with different experiences - it makes life more colourful! :)
OP posts:
swimlyn · 03/08/2021 18:24

@MsTSwift

I knew my work was done when my then 6 year old enquired of another parent in the classroom queue “do you have any nice plans for the weekend?” when there was a lull in conversation 😁
Absolutely brilliant! Grin Grin

Blimey, if they're that hard to talk to, why are you bothering? Grin
Having hosted many gatherings with non-talkers, providing food and drink which is happily consumed of course, we now DON’T bother.

@Shedbuilder
I think the lack of interest is the crux of it. I'm interested in people — getting to know what they think, what they enjoy, their history and so on. It had never occurred to me that someone who had no interest in other people would want to go out socially in a group. But this explains the silent group of women in the pub, staring at the table, perfectly.
You are spot on with your comments. Christmas meals are anathema to us now. Three years running for our Garden Club, with couples all staring at the table. Very weird looks, and some mumbling, if you tried to chat. Shock

Looking back, some of my most interesting conversations have been on long distance trains.

Completely random seat allocation, but hey presto! A fellow traveller with personality. Not for some people of course - fair enough, and some just want to snooze or to read.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2021 18:32

God my fil is a non talker. He literally just sits there. It’s tough on the person next to him and requires others to do all the social heavy lifting. I once couldn’t be arsed and was quiet too and was quickly asked what was up etc 🙄. Seems some of us are “allowed” not to contribute but others of us are obliged to keep the social wheels turning!

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 03/08/2021 18:53

Good grief . This is the pits.

I remember trying very hard with one woman, very educated, friendly etc. We would sit in her living room with big silences and me desperately trying to find something to chat about. Eventually uncovered she played and was very into rugby. I thought, 'great! We can talk about rugby'. Alas no. She would not be drawn out. It was bloody shit.
The last time we met for coffee, I thought, 'fuck it' .

YANBU OP.

BlueLobelia · 03/08/2021 18:58

I agree trying a book club or something like that.

I have no current interests. (Except for Mnetting and ironing given how much time I spend on both). TBH I have an intense job I hate and two young Dcs one of whom is quite severely affected by a range of neuro issues. I am too knackered to do much of anything else, although I do belong to a book club. But I don't talk too much about that because I am not sure why anyone not in the bookclub would be interested in the books we read.

I like letting other people talk tbh.

I used to have loads of interests but the daily grind of life seems to have beaten it out of me for now. I can talk about how much I dislike one of my houseguests. And how irritated I am about a cheeky fucker parker who parks her bmw on our private road. Or how fascinated I am about the whole Laurel Hubbard thing, but that is what I am doing on MN and I am not sure my colelagues or others are that interested!

AngryWhompingWillow · 03/08/2021 19:00

@TheBestPlansAlwaysFail How odd.

I have NEVER met anyone with 'no hobbies or interests.' How incredibly odd.

Shuffleuplove · 03/08/2021 19:03

Having hobbies and interests isn’t what makes people engaging. It’s having a genuine curiosity about other people and life in general. I agree with the earlier poster who said about meeting people on trains. I met the most fascinating man, he had to be at least 60 to my 20 at the time and we chatted all the way from London to Edinburgh. By the end of it he was 100% absolutely in love with me. Grin

swimlyn · 03/08/2021 19:09

@MsTSwift

God my fil is a non talker. He literally just sits there. It’s tough on the person next to him and requires others to do all the social heavy lifting. I once couldn’t be arsed and was quiet too and was quickly asked what was up etc 🙄. Seems some of us are “allowed” not to contribute but others of us are obliged to keep the social wheels turning!
Ha ha! Classic!

@AngryWhompingWillow
Our new neighbours have no hobbies or interests, except talking about themselves, problems with the kids etc.

Qwerty789 · 03/08/2021 19:28

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off)

I don't think you're meeting people with no interests at all, they are rare. I think you are meeting people who don't want to talk to you because you are rude and judgemental and superior, and they are just trying to shut you down so you will go away.
Here's a tip...when it keeps happening, it's not likely to be everyone else at fault. IT's YOU.

Qwerty789 · 03/08/2021 19:30

@MsTSwift

God my fil is a non talker. He literally just sits there. It’s tough on the person next to him and requires others to do all the social heavy lifting. I once couldn’t be arsed and was quiet too and was quickly asked what was up etc 🙄. Seems some of us are “allowed” not to contribute but others of us are obliged to keep the social wheels turning!
Has it ever occurred to you to just leave him alone? He seems to have made it extemely clear that he doesn't want to talk to you, you won't stop talking AND then you complain about having to be the one to talk....maybe just finally get the hint and shut up?
Shuffleuplove · 03/08/2021 19:45

Oh @Qwerty789 you’re one of the ones that have their nerves jangles by this. Didnt you realise how stultifying it is to carry the social function?

Phineyj · 03/08/2021 19:51

I have met some great people on tedious journeys. One that stands out (this was a bus queue for a bus that appeared to be never going to come). It was summer in Montreal, we were all sweltering and 5 year old DD was getting more and more fractious. This lovely elderly man told her jokes and stories and eventually worked us out an alternative bus route. Turned out he was a retired children's TV presenter and grandad of many.

I also had fun putting the world to rights with a retired teacher (I am also a teacher) whom I randomly sat across from on a ridiculously crowded service from York to Scotland.

The world would be a poorer place if no-one ever chatted to strangers.

Qwerty789 · 03/08/2021 20:07

@Shuffleuplove

Oh *@Qwerty789* you’re one of the ones that have their nerves jangles by this. Didnt you realise how stultifying it is to carry the social function?
No, as I know that I don't have to carry the social function, and neither do you. No-one asked you to endlessly talk at people who clearly don't want to talk to you. Learn some social cues!
MsTSwift · 03/08/2021 20:07

Believe me I would be more than happy to leave him alone! But if I am quiet and don’t bother either I am picked then up on it by in laws! So seems I am expected to be the entertainment!

Not sure it’s as simple as having interests makes you interesting either - it’s more nuanced than that.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2021 20:10

Not sure it’s particularly fair as an adult to put yourself in a social situation then not contribute at all.

Amboseli · 03/08/2021 20:22

I know people like this. They come over to our house and have something to eat and just sit there not talking. They're DHs friends. I have no idea why or even how they're friends!

I think you will just have to keep meeting new people and eventually, statistically, you will meet some that can speak and hold a conversation.

I find it interesting that people have been taught social skills by their parents. I wasn't "taught" but just learnt by example as my parents are very sociable and we'd always have people round and vice versa.

I find with all my friends what we have in common is our sense of humour rather than any hobbies or interests.

BlithePilgrim · 03/08/2021 20:45

@MsTSwift

Believe me I would be more than happy to leave him alone! But if I am quiet and don’t bother either I am picked then up on it by in laws! So seems I am expected to be the entertainment!

Not sure it’s as simple as having interests makes you interesting either - it’s more nuanced than that.

Yes, exactly. I mean, I don’t care whether someone is a fanatic macramé addict or an obsessive free diver, and everyone knows a running bore who’s dying to get out their Strava at the drop of a hat— it’s more a capacity to function in a social situation in which you’ve chosen to put yourself (not talking about dentist’s waiting room, open plan office, or school run) in which silence is either not possible or not what you want, because you’ve joined a Meet Up group to make friends.
TammyTwoSwanson · 03/08/2021 20:57

There are some members of my family like this and I HAVE to talk to them. They want to talk about EastEnders (did you see it last night? It was so good), Meghan Markle (they don't like her), the weather, a news story about something awful happening, about how their neighbour's cousin's sister-in-law died, their horoscope, they saw a ghost apparently, and about other stuff that bores the absolute shit out of me.

It is very tedious, but I just smile and make agreeing comments in all the right places.

Luckily I have lots of interests and passions and have plenty of other people in my life I can talk to about interesting stuff. Thank goodness!

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/08/2021 20:57

The school gate Mums when the DDs were in primary school. None of them worked, and they were all quite high maintenance. They talked about:

Where they got their hair and nails done
When they got their hair and nails done
Which gym was better
Whose turn it was to host the next coffee morning
Which level book their child was on
Which ballet school was better
Whether it was true that two of the mothers were having a lesbian affair (they were).

They used to treat me as if I had two heads because I worked. I also ended up being class rep as none of the non-working Mums would do it - they were all “too busy”. I learned very fast that they didn’t want to go to the fabulous new Brazilian cocktail bar in town, or even to the new Italian in the next village for the end of term meal. No. They wanted to go to Het Park, because they always went to Het Park. I just went with the flow because it was too much effort to do anything else and got drunk with the TA.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2021 21:25

I had the opposite deadly dull work colleagues school mums were fabulous fun still friends 10 years later. No one gave a shit about reading books

CorianderBee · 04/08/2021 00:03

Their families, their work, food usually work.

Nightlystroll · 04/08/2021 00:14

This is embarrassing to me because I don't think I have any particular interests either. Nor do any of my friends and yet we chat away for hours. But I can't tell you what about really. Just stuff. We'd be dreadfully boring to the intellectually elite of MN.

Shuffleuplove · 04/08/2021 01:24

Nightlystroll - chatting away for hours is wonderful. Sitting staring at the table in silence = not so much.

Dancingonmoonlight · 04/08/2021 01:44

but then it doesn't explain why they try to make me stay longer or keep asking to meet again

Any chance you are a native English speaker and they aren’t? I sometimes found people wanted a free English language class and did not want to be friends at all.