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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to become a SAHM

134 replies

Mum5687 · 01/08/2021 15:00

Posting here for traffic really.
I have a professional job that has required years of hard work, degrees, additional qualifications and I've always been very career motivated and driven. However, since becoming pregnant with baby number 1 (due this year) I've been having a career rethink. DH has a VERY well paid job (think upper tax bracket) and we do not need my salary (despite it being very substantial in itself...think just inside middle tax bracket). When I say we don't need my salary we won't be making any sacrifices in the way we live either due to DHs recent salary increase.

Therefore i'm considering taking a few years out and raising children (we would like more than 1) and using that time to retrain/volunteer and figure out what to do as I think after the novelty wears off I'll need/want something to do. DH is fully supportive of the decision.

Aside from the usual comments ie make sure you pay into a private pension (which I will) or don't do it in case of divorce...has anyone become a SAHM for a few years and used the time to retrain and figure out what to do? I've always been so sure of myself that this is a bit alien to me! I suppose my AIBU:

Yes YABU to become a SAHM
No YANBU to become a SAHM

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 01/08/2021 15:02

I certainly wouldn't choose it but yanbu if it is what you want and your dh is supportive. It doesn't really matter what other people think about it, does it?

cultkid · 01/08/2021 15:04

Yes i am a SAHM and I am delighted

ilovesooty · 01/08/2021 15:07

Well you can obviously afford it and it's between you and your husband, isn't it?

Pixilicious · 01/08/2021 15:10

I would love to have been an SAHM or at least part time while my DD is little but we can’t afford it. I have a high paying job, higher than my DH so me dropping time was never an option. I say go for it if you can afford it. You will never get this time back.

MattyGroves · 01/08/2021 15:13

I wouldn't make any decisions until you're some way into maternity leave. You may find yourself desperate to return to work.

I love my kids very much but it would drive me crazy to be at home with them full time - I do four days a week as does DH and it works really well.

I would also think about your dynamic with your DH. If you SAH for a few years, it will be very difficult to get back into equal splitting of domestic labour which might be fine with you but wouldn't be for me.

In general, it seems like a big shift for you to go from totally career focussed to staying at home, I would want to be really really sure it's what you want. I am very career focussed and when I was pregnant, I read loads of posts on here from people who thought it obvious that your priorities change and that almost every woman felt an urge to be a SAHM. I still really value my career.

Intherightplace · 01/08/2021 15:17

This is the one time that it is very important to be married IMO, but as you are, do it if that's what works for you.

What I would say, is don't do it for too long. I did enjoy being (briefly) SAHM and the better balance it brought for the whole family, but I also found it difficult to feel fulfilled. I did some volunteering etc but it's not the same as having something you need to turn up to.

For me, especially as a professional, keeping my hand in and working 2 days pw was the best solution. It made it much easier to pick up my career again when I was ready than it would have been if I'd been away from work altogether.

Also, and I thin this is particularly important if you have daughters, there was a period as they got older when I would try to encourage them with their school work and they'd say "you've got xyz qualifications and you're only...." That was probably when I decided it was time to go back.

ElspethFlashman · 01/08/2021 15:24

Honestly I wouldn't.

Kids are babies for a relatively short period of time, then they're in school, and you have a lot more time on your hands.

And certainly with 2 good salaries, you could outsource all the house cleaning for example. You could even get a part time Nanny to pick them up from school and give them dinner.

Now of course if you hate your field and want to change it, then fair enough. But what I would say is that even if you wait until they're in school and want to retrain and get into a different field, you're going to need childcare as retraining will be time intensive anyway.

Realistically most women do not end up doing more than part time after being a SAHM for several years, if their husband is still in the home and working long hours. That does impact the jobs you get.

Going from being a SAHM and being 100 % available to working 40 hours a week + commute + childcare for the very first time often makes women feel so guilty they can't countenance the enormity of it! And their husbands may he just as aghast, after having gotten very comfy after 5/6 years of having a SAHM in the home.

Whereas women who have been working all along don't blink an eyelid.

Just be realistic that any second job may not be remotely like your existing one, after a long gap and potentially starting right at the bottom of the ladder in a different field.

Shmithecat2 · 01/08/2021 15:27

I'm a SAHM out of choice, and I day do what you WANT BUT if you want to retrain, make sure you know what you want to retrain in - I'm 6 years in and still haven't got a clue. And yes, as pp have said, don't make any decisions until you are well onto maternity leave. You may change your mind.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/08/2021 15:28

I wouldn’t. It’s not just about the salary and if you’ve already trained and educated in one field and are so easily ready to ditch it then would training again in something else amount to anything?

MattyGroves · 01/08/2021 15:29

And their husbands may he just as aghast, after having gotten very comfy after 5/6 years of having a SAHM in the home.

Totally agree with this in particular. I generally think that husbands are often supportive less because they think it's the right thing for their wife and more because it means they can just do the nice easy bits of parenting, not so much having to leave to pick up a sick child.

My DH is unusual in actually doing 50:50 including the mental load but he would love it and get comfy very fast if I gave up work.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 01/08/2021 15:29

No lol, lazybones. You probably would not get back to the level you are at now and just think of what the extra money will buy you.

IcedSpice · 01/08/2021 15:30

I read loads of posts on here from people who thought it obvious that your priorities change and that almost every woman felt an urge to be a SAHM. I still really value my career.

Really? I had no desire to be a SAHM at all, I love my dc, but no thanks

cinammonbuns · 01/08/2021 15:33

I think I would agree with those who say wait till your maternity leave. You’d annoy predict how you will feel about not working (in a paid job) till then really.

You may absolutely love the time and what to extend it or be chomping at the bit to get back to work.

I think that is the best way to think about it so you don’t feel like you failed if you later feel like you want to go back to work or vice versa.

I am very happy to hear about still paying your NI contributions and pension though.

Original poster

Mum5687 · 01/08/2021 15:34

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far! Definitely given me something to think about. My main reason for posting was to get a range of views from both sides! I agree that it's probably best to do my maternity leave first and see how I feel! I might hate it and want to get back to work!

OP posts:

cinammonbuns · 01/08/2021 15:34

*you cannot

Gilbot · 01/08/2021 15:37

YANBU if you decide to be a SAHM

But you would be unreasonable to make a decision before you’ve even had the child

user89764 · 01/08/2021 15:37

Wait until maternity leave to make your mind up. I thought I'd want to stay home but completely changed my mind and went back to work at 9 months (albeit part time after my second, temporarily). I didn't need to financially, mentally I did.

It's really hard to predict how you will react to parenting before baby is here, keep your options open for now and make the decision when you actually need to.

Original poster

Mum5687 · 01/08/2021 15:38

Based on discussions with DH there is potential scope for me to start my own business (think along holiday let/glamping lines) and I'd do some courses in finance/business management to help build those skills which is how I'd continue to pay into a pension etc. But obviously it's very early days yet and if I'm honest we haven't looked into it at all, it's just come out of discussions we have had and what I'd like to do.

OP posts:

Howdidigetsoold · 01/08/2021 15:38

Wait until you are on maternity. If you have found a good friend group and like bringing up your child, want another one soon, then yes be a SAHM. They are children for such a short space of time - if you have the chance to be there for them then I would take it.

Babyroobs · 01/08/2021 15:38

If you can afford it then I would do it as long as you keep some kind of career going in case of future divorce.

Flossing · 01/08/2021 15:40

This is literally the worst place to ask this. MN isnt often kind to sahms! Look above, you've already been called 'lazybones'. I will be surprised if this thread helps you decide what to do.

I was a sahm for just over 4 years. Loved it until covid made it isolating, but for me I was always thinking to go back when the eldest started school so as not to make my employment gap too big. I've returned to teaching which I did before kids. The gap on my employment history has been no issue. Do you have any idea on what you might want to retrain to do? I think plenty do it after a career break, but remember it's always harder to do these things with kids in tow.

See how you feel once the baby arrives, you won't know what you want until then. Ultimately some love being a sahm, and some hate it.

vivainsomnia · 01/08/2021 15:41

There are no concerns being a SAHM in your circumstances for a few years. It's after 5+ years that it could become more of an issue longer term.

Ultimately, you'll either want to go back to work, or you'll really not want to. If the latter, you'll need to consider what it could mean if divorce was to happen in years to come. You need to think about that now.

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/08/2021 15:42

Being a sahp can be a bit lonely, days can be long and adult interaction on the low side, bar the odd visitor.

I would hold off any decision until you’ve had the baby and then consider your options.

I was part time with number 1 and then sahp with the additional children. I’m glad I did, however it wasn’t by choice.

Only you can decide what’s best for you because a happy Mum equals a happy baby!

Dollywilde · 01/08/2021 15:44

Definitely wait. I adore my daughter but I’m back at work 4 days from next week and I can’t wait. I’ve spent a year unable to have a wee without an audience, stacking the dishwasher without a baby crawling in, no time to read a book, only adult conversations all about the baby, no nipping out to post a letter on my lunch hour without tooling up with the baby and it taking half an hour….

She’s the light of my life but I’m already losing my mind with excitement about being able to read a book for half an hour on the train. It’s right for some but you need to try it first I’m only able to post this cos I’m sitting in the bath while DH plays building blocks with her…

DramaAlpaca · 01/08/2021 15:47

Do it, if you can afford to. I did, and I'm so glad for both me and the children that I was able to have those early years at home with them. We weren't quite as comfortable financially as you, but we managed.

I did voluntary work while off, plus kept my skills up to date, and went back to work in a different field after nine years as a SAHM and worked my way up again from there. No regrets whatsoever.

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