AIBU to become a SAHM

[Mum5687]

Posting here for traffic really.
I have a professional job that has required years of hard work, degrees, additional qualifications and I've always been very career motivated and driven. However, since becoming pregnant with baby number 1 (due this year) I've been having a career rethink. DH has a VERY well paid job (think upper tax bracket) and we do not need my salary (despite it being very substantial in itself...think just inside middle tax bracket). When I say we don't need my salary we won't be making any sacrifices in the way we live either due to DHs recent salary increase.

Therefore i'm considering taking a few years out and raising children (we would like more than 1) and using that time to retrain/volunteer and figure out what to do as I think after the novelty wears off I'll need/want something to do. DH is fully supportive of the decision.

Aside from the usual comments ie make sure you pay into a private pension (which I will) or don't do it in case of divorce...has anyone become a SAHM for a few years and used the time to retrain and figure out what to do? I've always been so sure of myself that this is a bit alien to me! I suppose my AIBU:

Yes YABU to become a SAHM
No YANBU to become a SAHM

I love being a SAHM. They're only little for such a small amount of time. I want to be there for every moment before I lose them to school!

When I was pregnant I was planning to be a SAHM but then after mat leave I decided part time was for me. There is no right or wrong answer whatever works for your family, but I love the independence and self worth working gives me, and the 4 years before DC are in school fly by in an instant.

I was a SAHM not through choice. We had twins and couldn't afford childcare.

It's HARD work.
It's fine if you can afford nursery but then I suspect you'd be a little bored.

I'd take time out to identify what you wanted to do career wise but don't become a SAHM.

Your confidence goes too, trust me. Everyone looks down on SAHMs. ☹️

If you can keep your hand in with work, however part time it is I would do. I appreciate that is easier with some jobs than others though.

I was in a profession too when I had DS but hated my job and became a SAHM for 2.5 years. By that time, I needed something else so I took another job in a similar field. Best move I ever made.

I personally wouldn't, for the reasons outlined by others above and because I love my job.

But it sounds as if you have your head screwed on and are financially pretty sorted, so if that's what you decide, go for it.

But I would give some very serious thought to how long you could stay out of the workforce for without needing to retrain etc. It seems its much easier with some careers than with others. If you do decided to SAH do your homework around this.

I don’t think YANBU, some parents are very happy staying at home. However I agree with the suggestions of waiting until your maternity leave is coming to an end before deciding. My mum often tells me how much she loved those years with me and didn’t want to work (she was at home til I was 3) but by the end of my maternity leave with DS1 I was ready and happy to go back, albeit part time.

It’s not lazy at all to be a SAHM so ignore any comments like that. we needed my wage so not going back wasn’t an option but I find being at home with my kids exhausting and much harder work than my actual paid job.

After two back to back maternity leaves I realised the whole dynamic of our relationship had changed, one day my husband said something to me about housework, telling me what to do, but his tone was as though he was my boss! In that one moment I knew there was no way our relationship would ever work if he was the only one financially contributing. I rang my manager and arranged to go back to work early.

Plus in all honesty looking after 2 children is so much more difficult than my paid job, I'm just not cut out for it which I didn't expect.

I'm currently full time but would love to go part time

Jack in work and make yourself completely and utterly dependent on someone else, possibly for the rest of your life?

No thanks.

I absolutely love being a sahm. It's not for everyone and it's relentless hard work / non-stop but I just adore it and it's so rewarding.

It really will depend on the profession. Teaching yes not so much of a problem. But I also know women working in nutrition, marketing and finance. Not been an issue. Do you know any RL SAHMs struggling to return to work? If so how long have they been out of work and what industry are they trying to return to? Clearly will be a problem for sectors where there is lots of competition for jobs. So careful decision making is needed.

Yes I do. The balance you want is that women will be able to return to careers but others won’t. Pretending it will all be fine isn’t helpful.

Definitely wait until baby is here. I've got 2 under 2 and I'm desperate to go back to work (would have gladly been a SAHM with just my first). It's the hardest job in the world looking after 2 tiny babies and I can't wait to be back working, using my brain, talking to adults, not singing nursery rhymes 24/7. I have no idea how people enjoy being a SAHM, I honestly think I'd be suicidal. I adore my babies but I also really enjoy a bit of peace.

I’m very wary of women who don’t yet have the baby deciding they want to be SAHM’s

It’s not for everyone trust me. I was very maternal and given my DH earns well and we live comfortably I always kinda thought I would end up being a SAHM .

Now I have 2 under 2 I honestly can’t wait to get back to work part time and regain a bit of myself beyond being ankle deep in soiled water wipes, toddler snot and baby vomit. I love them more than life itself but SAHM… nope

Growing up, I thought I'd love to be a SAHM and there are definitely elements I'd enjoy e.g. slower pace of life for kids, being there fully when kids are poorly, needing help with school/friendships. However, I'm really glad I went back to my professional role (3 days a week) for a few reasons:

1. Work fulfills me in a way parenthood can't. There's no pats on the back or glowing reviews from your successes as a mother (although we deserve it). I find motherhood rewarding but in a different way and I need both.
2. I really appreciate my days off as I feel like I've earned them (some of mat leave felt like a slog and groundhog day).
3. I like an equal power balance in my relationship. We are both professionals. We both contribute to the home and to parenthood e.g. nursery pick ups. I've seen from friends that often men become very very complacent about the jobs done by SAHM and a negative power shift is often inevitable.
4. I didn't expect this one, but very much appreciate nursery for providing my child with new experiences, opportunities to socialise, try new foods, take turns and not be the centre of all attention. I also love that they do all meals so the day is sorted. I expect it gets more challenging with school and wrap around care but atm it's all very convenient.
5. My job is tough but sometimes it feels easier than a day at home even during stressful times. Parenthood is constant. It is demanding. It can be boring.
6. Pension, sick pay. Keeping skills sharp and confidence levels up. Opportunities to progress although more limited part time for me.
7. Knowing that if I divorce (which I'm not planning) I'd be fine and I'll always be employable.

I agree that you should wait until you are a while into mat leave. I would also say that I had a tricky sleeper and struggled to imagine myself back at work because of the sleep deprivation however things are much easier after a year (even if they still don't sleep through the night, it's better!).

I appreciate this may be irrelevant for you if you want to retrain but thought I'd share my experiences.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@LittleBearPad

It really will depend on the profession. Teaching yes not so much of a problem. But I also know women working in nutrition, marketing and finance. Not been an issue. Do you know any RL SAHMs struggling to return to work? If so how long have they been out of work and what industry are they trying to return to? Clearly will be a problem for sectors where there is lots of competition for jobs. So careful decision making is needed.

Yes I do. The balance you want is that women will be able to return to careers but others won’t. Pretending it will all be fine isn’t helpful.

I NEVER said they will all return to their careers. I never said it is always all fine. Stop twisting my words. Pretending it's always a disaster isn't helpful

I chose it and while it proved to be a mistake when I ended up divorced and unemployable (due to having spent so many years as a SAHM), I don't regret the many years I spent doing it. I think it was good for the children (now young adults), too.

FWIW, my definition of SAHM (and XH's, too) was that I did absolutely everything to do with the children and home, and he did everything to do with work. Our expectations were very clear. I didn't want 'teamwork' at weekends or in the evenings: I had a nice little routine with the DC, and I would not have thanked him for sticking his oar in. It would have been as if I'd started telling him how to do his job and saying that I'll just take over one of his murder cases.

I completely disagree that respect/status has anything to do with being a SAHM or not. If you already have self respect and don't measure your human worth in terms of "job status", these are hardly going to be crushed by doing a job that's arguably more important than any other job in the world.

@chocolatesweets

I was a SAHM not through choice. We had twins and couldn't afford childcare.

It's HARD work.
It's fine if you can afford nursery but then I suspect you'd be a little bored.

I'd take time out to identify what you wanted to do career wise but don't become a SAHM.

Your confidence goes too, trust me. Everyone looks down on SAHMs. ☹️

Everyone looks down on SAHMs

Not my experience at all. Most of the mothers in the playground were SAHMs with high-earning husbands when my children were at school (they went through the independent sector from 4-18, and all my friends' husbands had jobs like consultants, QCs, etc). Nobody seemed to suffer from feeling "looked down upon". If anything, the handful of mothers who had jobs were slightly embarrassed by having jobs as they sort of felt that we all regarded them as lesser mothers (we didn't, btw).

1. definitely wait till dc here
2. I presume you already earn a good wage so will the loss of your salary. Someone earning 200k takes home about 9.5k so 60k take home is still a 3rd & not insignificant imo.
3. one benefit of working is your employer pays some of your pension for you
4. retraining is a good idea & will make it easier to re enter the work place
5. I kept my toe in, had 2 long mat leaves (14 months) & worked up from 2 days to 4. But I have shorter days & most of the holidays off which is easier to negotiate when already in a role.

I’m in the same position except I have a 14 month old.

I really couldn’t decide what to do so went back to work part time. It was enough time to decide that I did in fact want to stay at home as much as possible until DC Is at school.

My last day is Tuesday this week, absolutely no regrets from me. I really struggled with work/life balance.

I haven’t completely given up work. I will be working 1 evening a week 6-12 which will give me enough money that I’m not completely reliant on DH.

I’m really not worried about taking a career break, I’ve got another 35 years of working life left in me. I can afford to take a few years off with LO.

@8monthsinandcranky maybe it's a 2 under 2 thing! There's 14 month between mine and lord help me I need to get to work for a break!

Id only be a SAHM if I had a nanny 😆

@saveyourbreath lots of things! Lots of home improvements, gardening, dog walking but especially a lot of support for my elderly parents.

Do you enjoy being with toddlers 24/7? I don’t. I can’t keep up with their demands and tantrums. It drains me.
I think being a SAHM is enjoyable once the kids start pre-school or school. Looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers full time is a torture like no other (for me at least!)

@User112

Do you enjoy being with toddlers 24/7? I don’t. I can’t keep up with their demands and tantrums. It drains me. I think being a SAHM is enjoyable once the kids start pre-school or school. Looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers full time is a torture like no other (for me at least!)

God, yes - preschool, and now school, saved my sanity!

@User112

Do you enjoy being with toddlers 24/7? I don’t. I can’t keep up with their demands and tantrums. It drains me. I think being a SAHM is enjoyable once the kids start pre-school or school. Looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers full time is a torture like no other (for me at least!)

I also think it depends on the child. My eldest is an extrovert and basically hasn't stopped talking since he learnt how to. If you take him on the bus, he will natter the whole way. It's very very draining if you're an introvert.

My younger one is a naughty wilful toddler but he has always been much more in his own head. He talks but not constantly, he happily plays on his own for stretches of the day. If you take him on the bus, he looks out of the window and takes it all in. So much more restful to be around! I am considering dropping a day at work because it's a very different experience.