AIBU to become a SAHM

[Mum5687]

Posting here for traffic really.
I have a professional job that has required years of hard work, degrees, additional qualifications and I've always been very career motivated and driven. However, since becoming pregnant with baby number 1 (due this year) I've been having a career rethink. DH has a VERY well paid job (think upper tax bracket) and we do not need my salary (despite it being very substantial in itself...think just inside middle tax bracket). When I say we don't need my salary we won't be making any sacrifices in the way we live either due to DHs recent salary increase.

Therefore i'm considering taking a few years out and raising children (we would like more than 1) and using that time to retrain/volunteer and figure out what to do as I think after the novelty wears off I'll need/want something to do. DH is fully supportive of the decision.

Aside from the usual comments ie make sure you pay into a private pension (which I will) or don't do it in case of divorce...has anyone become a SAHM for a few years and used the time to retrain and figure out what to do? I've always been so sure of myself that this is a bit alien to me! I suppose my AIBU:

Yes YABU to become a SAHM
No YANBU to become a SAHM

I took 6 years out to be at home for baby / pre school years and wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Started up my own business related to my previous profession when dd2 started school and now earn higher tax bracket but work flexibly. Everyone I know who took a few years out has gone back. But I wanted a career change anyway as my previous pre baby job wasn’t my thing so not a huge sacrifice there.

I would say go for it! I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years now.
No idea how anyone could find it lonely, I see friends and family almost every day. We have a great social life, I have complete freedom over my time. It’s fantastic, the best thing I ever did. I do have an income from our properties and also have my own pension and like you, my husband earns very well so we have a very nice lifestyle.

@chocolatesweets I’ve found the oppositw to be honest, my confidence is much better and I’m a lot happier.
My DD is at private school and I would say 70% of the mums are SAHMs. I don’t feel looked down on at all, mostly people tell me how lucky I am and that they wish they didn’t have to work.

I've been a sahm for a short while and it's driving me crazy now. It's physically tiring and I'm feeling very mentally under stimulated, it's boring, repetitive and lonely. I thought like you and was in a baby bubble but when they reach toddler age you'll be looking forward to getting back into work. I lost my job so didn't go back after maternity but I am looking for part time work now, so I would suggest seeing if you can put your hours down to work less days or even see if you can take a lower paid role that would allow that, and you could still do courses/volunteering ect on the other days.

What strikes me from your posts OP is you give the impression that you think being a SAHM will give you loads of free time to start a new business or just have a life reset in general. I can only speak for myself of course but my years as SAHM to a pre-schooler were the hardest, most stressful years of my life, where you can’t even go to the loo uninterrupted, much less start a business. I felt my entire identity was bound up with being “mum” and it made me quite depressed. I returned to work when she started school and my MH lifted too. I’m sure loads will say different, but personally I would wait and see what life is like at home with the baby before making major decisions.

Go for it!! Sounds like you are in the perfect situation and have degrees and career experience to fall back on if you decide to go back to work later on. I feel like I am a SAHM success story if that helps .. I left my job after my 3rd child, stayed home for 3 years and loved it! I worked on my masters part time during that time and then when my youngest started full time nursery during lockdown I started to update my resume and put out some feelers for work (I was bored being home all day after the older kids went back to school after lockdown). I ended up being offered my old job back with a pay increase and fully remote work so I could manage the school pick ups & drop offs during the day. (I work in HR)

@HarrysChild

What strikes me from your posts OP is you give the impression that you think being a SAHM will give you loads of free time to start a new business or just have a life reset in general. I can only speak for myself of course but my years as SAHM to a pre-schooler were the hardest, most stressful years of my life, where you can’t even go to the loo uninterrupted, much less start a business. I felt my entire identity was bound up with being “mum” and it made me quite depressed. I returned to work when she started school and my MH lifted too. I’m sure loads will say different, but personally I would wait and see what life is like at home with the baby before making major decisions.

Just to respond to this on top of my other post.

I started a small business when my DD was about 8 months, which was great then when she wasn't moving much, but as soon as she started walking and was down to 1 nap a day, it was impossible, I have to wait until she's gone to bed and can be up until 1am to get anything done. That's after I've done all the tidying/cleaning for the day.

Go with your gut. Just make sure you’re covered financially (everything is 50/50 in your name).
I was a SAHM for years, really enjoyed it.

I was a SAHM for 4 years and absolutely loved it. I have another LO now and would love to be a SAHM again but sadly can't afford it this time.
I'd do it if I could. My LO is over a year old now and I feel sad that I've missed out on some of his babyhood by working.
If it's not going to financially impact you then do it. They're little for such a short period of time.

One of my friends took a sabbatical after 14 months back in work after ML, that could be an option? She's a surgeon though so high demand I assume.

Do it because you want to be at home with the children and doing the bulk of the housework and household admin . It's a perfectly valid choice, provided you are protected financially, and will improve the work life balance for the whole family. If you do it because you think you'll have loads of time to retrain and volunteer you're in for a major shock.

I started a degree when DC1 was 9mo and finished 3 years later when DC2 was 18mo.

I did it in the evenings after they were in bed though and it was good to have something to do that used my brain, but I didn't have any time during the day for study and if I'm honest, I didn't have any relationship with DH during that time.

@User112

Do you enjoy being with toddlers 24/7? I don’t. I can’t keep up with their demands and tantrums. It drains me. I think being a SAHM is enjoyable once the kids start pre-school or school. Looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers full time is a torture like no other (for me at least!)

I thought toddlers were the best bit of being a SAHM. It was by far the best phase of my children's lives. They could obviously be frightful (one in particular) - but they are such funny, fascinating, interesting little anarchists. The other phases are less good, I have found - especially teenagers (another one in particular).

I was working 2days pw as well, but if anything, going to work gave me more time for study, not less, as I had the train commute.

Things to discuss with DH first:

• Finances: will you have full and equal access to the family finances, or will he be paying you a monthly stipend

• Hours of work: As a SAHM, will your 'work hours' be the same as your DHs? Will you split chores/childcare in evenings at weekends, or will you be responsible for them 24/7?

• Return to work: Will he be willing to flex his job to do childcare drop-offs/pick-ups (and cover half the sick days) to enable you to go back to work when you choose? Or will he expect his work to remain unaffected and you become default childcare?

@Flossing it looks dramatic, but it's the reality. Most careers are at best hindered by a gap of several years. People still in these careers move on, while those who pause their careers will in the best case scenario be able to pick up where they left off, which is several years behind the peers they started out with. In most cases however, your knowledge is no longer up to date and you're playing catchup, which can be hard.
In the worst case scenario you'll have to redo part of your training as knowledge that doesn't get used does not stay ready in your head.

I don’t think I was being dramatic.

[quote CaptSkippy]@Flossing it looks dramatic, but it's the reality. Most careers are at best hindered by a gap of several years. People still in these careers move on, while those who pause their careers will in the best case scenario be able to pick up where they left off, which is several years behind the peers they started out with. In most cases however, your knowledge is no longer up to date and you're playing catchup, which can be hard.
In the worst case scenario you'll have to redo part of your training as knowledge that doesn't get used does not stay ready in your head.[/quote]
I think it's fairly obvious to say pausing your career will cause a hindrance to it's development, but I take issue with the idea that this needs to be permanent. Once you've got established again you can go for promotions - if that's what you want. Not everyone wants this. People on MN seem to forget this.

Of course best case scenario is picking up where you left off! You can't expect to progress when you've not been there! Yes, you may be behind peers you started with. I do not deny any of this. It's all a trade off with extra time at home with children

What I am saying it's posters on MN act like 3-5 years out you are done with your professional career. You now can only go for 'jobs' rather than 'careers'. In many sectors this is simply not the case. I actually see more prejudice against gaps in employment (which can be explained) than in real life.

*on MN than in real life

@Flossing, well that's what I said in my first post too. Your career takes a hit one way or another. In some cases you'll never recover because employers won't go for it and yes, obviously this is a supply and demand things. But being a SAHM mom for a few years makes you a less desirable candidate in highly competitive careers.
Sure, it's sexist and unfair, but it is the world we live in right now.

I think the one advantage of not giving up work completely is that you tend to be able to negotiate p/t, flexi hours etc better

[quote CaptSkippy]@Flossing, well that's what I said in my first post too. Your career takes a hit one way or another. In some cases you'll never recover because employers won't go for it and yes, obviously this is a supply and demand things. But being a SAHM mom for a few years makes you a less desirable candidate in highly competitive careers.
Sure, it's sexist and unfair, but it is the world we live in right now.[/quote]
We agree on a fair bit, I just wanted to make the point I made as all too often on MN I see posts basically saying a few years as a sahm is career suicide. Just not true. I do agree some sectors it's harder than others to get back though.

I don't agree it necessarily makes you less desirable if you've had a gap. It's going to depend on the quality of the competition. Also whether the sahm did anything enhancing (courses, volunteering work etc) during her time at home.

People on MN have been quick to dismiss my experience of getting back into work as simply because my job is in demand. The reality was at my interview I was one of six other candidates. 30 people actually applied but obviously not everyone was shortlisted. I got the job because I was more experienced than the others (despite my gap) and I was told I was the best candidate. I know it's not applicable to all, however I feel my example shows employers don't obsess over this like MN seems to.

*will be quick to dismiss