AIBU to become a SAHM

[Mum5687]

Posting here for traffic really.
I have a professional job that has required years of hard work, degrees, additional qualifications and I've always been very career motivated and driven. However, since becoming pregnant with baby number 1 (due this year) I've been having a career rethink. DH has a VERY well paid job (think upper tax bracket) and we do not need my salary (despite it being very substantial in itself...think just inside middle tax bracket). When I say we don't need my salary we won't be making any sacrifices in the way we live either due to DHs recent salary increase.

Therefore i'm considering taking a few years out and raising children (we would like more than 1) and using that time to retrain/volunteer and figure out what to do as I think after the novelty wears off I'll need/want something to do. DH is fully supportive of the decision.

Aside from the usual comments ie make sure you pay into a private pension (which I will) or don't do it in case of divorce...has anyone become a SAHM for a few years and used the time to retrain and figure out what to do? I've always been so sure of myself that this is a bit alien to me! I suppose my AIBU:

Yes YABU to become a SAHM
No YANBU to become a SAHM

What does your DH envisage your role of SAHM to be? Will it be teamwork when he gets him from work at at weekends or will he ‘expect’ to come home to a cooked dinner every night, a tidy house, and for you to do the bed-time routine, all night time wakings, weekend childcare, etc.

Before you become dependent on him financially, be very clear about each other’s expectations.

The only thing I would caution against is trying to retrain or start a new business without structured childcare. I thought after second DC it’d be great to do some self employed work and do it in the evenings and weekends or use family for if I needed to work a few hours on a weekday but the reality was that after a long day with DC the last thing I wanted to do in the evenings was work and it became stressful to try and fit in.

I loved being a SAHM with a tiny PT job I did from home. I discovered that I loved reading and singing with tinies, became v interested in breast feeding, loved doing crafts with them, despite having no ability, loved baking, making ice lollies etc. I discovered a love of gardening.The freedom to be outside in nice weather and to take our time instead of rushing to meet deadlines is just wonderful. Being your own 'boss' is great.

Such a lot will depend on individual circumstances though.

@ElspethFlashman’s post is a good one.

Also — and this is in no way an attack on you, OP, because you are asking all the right questions — I find the ‘we don’t need my salary because DH earns X’ thing I see on here absolutely incomprehensible. My career, my capacity for doing meaningful work, and my capacity to earn did not suddenly become some side-issue or ‘extra’ when I became pregnant. I actually think that being a SAHP suits very few people psychologically.

I did
And it was brilliant
And the best thing about being qualified is that it is straightforward to get back on it.

For me.. that was 9 years later. Straight In to a good job in old industry.

That’s what I will urge my children to do. Get your professional exams whilst you’re young

Affords for much flexibility in The future

Goodness I loved those years of being a sahm
Really
So special

And being qualified means best of both worlds

I think the key is that removing your salary doesn’t mean any change to your living

Same here. My husband (ex now but very amicable!) was >£175k plus huge bonus (this was 10 years ago)

So my salary, whilst very healthy, really wasn’t that big a deal when we dropped it

Interesting you don’t mention your DH’s view on it…

Sorry
Fully supportive

That’s also key.

Mine was too.

And key, absolute key, I trusted him implicitly.

Throughout all the years - not a hint of financial abuse

Plus I did have my own savings of course

Thinks SAHM is a brilliant choice and it is lovely that you have options. But you are right to wait until closer to end of mat leave before making any decisions.

I had to go back to work for financial reasons, but I do think it is the choice I would have made anyway.

Part time work might be a good balance for you. Personally I like having the work/child free part of my life too.

I guess I'm thinking more for your DH if you divorced one day - long term SAHPs tend to fight for the lions share of the assets because they gave up their career to have and care for the children and they had no choice to do that ....except in your case you want to give up work to retrain and actually it's your DH that's enabling you to do this by agreeing to drop to one salary?

I'm only seeing it from this side because I earn a lot more than my DH so I tend to think from what has always traditionally been a mans perspective as the main earner. I think I'd want some kind of protection should the marriage break down one day although appreciate that is totally mercenary and have no idea what that would look like practically but hey hope for the best plan for the worst and all

As someone who stayed in a job a lot longer than I should, didn't go for promotion etc because I wanted my baby and the flexibility/possibility of SAHM after Mat leave I would definitely say don't make any decisions yet! A year of Mat leave and 6 months furlough had me 100% sure I wanted/needed to work and if anything has made me push myself. DC is 2.5 and I'm earning more money, more responsibilities and more career opportunities than before on four days a week and want to keep building my career for them and for me. It's the total opposite to how I thought I would feel given DH earns enough for me not to work.
I will say four days works for me personally and feel very lucky that my job isn't limited by this, I know it's not like that for all professions.

This time is a good time to reevaluate things as it’s a natural period of change. The only thing I’d say is given you have stated you are career focused and have worked hard to get educational attainment etc. That it is important not to lose yourself during the change.

@twinningatlife

I guess I'm thinking more for your DH if you divorced one day - long term SAHPs tend to fight for the lions share of the assets because they gave up their career to have and care for the children and they had no choice to do that ....except in your case you want to give up work to retrain and actually it's your DH that's enabling you to do this by agreeing to drop to one salary?

I'm only seeing it from this side because I earn a lot more than my DH so I tend to think from what has always traditionally been a mans perspective as the main earner. I think I'd want some kind of protection should the marriage break down one day although appreciate that is totally mercenary and have no idea what that would look like practically but hey hope for the best plan for the worst and all

Irrelevant

I chose to
I’m divorced
I did very well from the divorce
Fact I wanted to be a sahm never came in to it in any sense whatsoever

For me, and I appreciate not everyone feels the same way, being a SAHM is the best. I’ve never missed a moment with my children. Every toddler group, school assembly, sports day, school holiday etc. I am so grateful.
My husband supports the household but I have my own savings and so can be financially self-sufficient should the need arise - it won’t. I am paying into a private pension with my own money. I have spent time volunteering with the school and I will return to work once children are at secondary. Not in my original field because my priorities have changed.
I don’t regret being a SAHM for a moment but I do feel guilty that my children don’t have the huge houses and ski holidays that their friends have.

Agree with pp about waiting until you're on ML. It's not that you're likely to hate being at home- I loved my ML - it's more the case that you may well really enjoy being at home but also realise you want to retain your career as well. It really doesn't have to be an 'all or nothing' decision. I reckon I could have been quite contented staying at home but for me, combining parenting with a career was even better. And also agree it makes it much easier to have shared responsibilities if you and your dh carve things out this way whereas if one of you is a SAHP then by default you'll end up doing more of the house stuff, laundry etc simply because you're there to do it

I was practically a sahm mum. i worked 7.5 hours in a very low profile role. Some of it i did in an evening. It kept my fingers in ready for when i was going back. i then got made redundant and had a year out. When i decided to go back it took me a full day to find work! I'm now in a flexible and high profile part time job. i too have never missed anything my three children have done.

Absolutely no way.

I would never relinquish my financial independence to man, married or not.

If you can afford it, why not?

I'd rather be a sahm but we are tied to where we are and have to pay for private school fees, so we need my salary

Also many professional mums I know go pt or take a few years out and return to work.

Of course you’re not unreasonable!

I would wait til your baby is here to decide - I have one completely adored and utterly wonderful son, but the last few months have proved to me beyond doubt that I do not want to be a SAHM. I also don’t want more than one baby, whereas before he was born I was sure I’d have two or three!

But if, once you’ve had some experience with parenting, you still want to be a SAHM and you can afford it and you’re protecting yourself with pensions and savings, and you have absolutely equal access to the money in the family, there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t do what works for you and makes you happy.

Risks:
You become the default parent forever
New and serious power imbalance in your marriage
Loss of financial independence
Harder to regain financial independence in the future
Modelling harmful gender stereotypes to your children

Pros:
Spending more time with your children in their pre-school years
Less stress for both of you as someone is always home on sick days

No brainer for me.

I wouldn't make any big decisions thus early. I found it really hard going back to work and putting dd in nursery after a year but I loved it once I got back into working. I have a very busy physucal job in nursing but I go into work for a break from the kids! Being and SAHM is a proper job in itself and a great choice for some but don't limit your options. I would see how you feel and do a few months work after maternity and see if you feel the same way. Its also v hard to get back into work when youve been off for a few years. Best to keep ur hand in if you do find you like working.

@DillyDilly

What does your DH envisage your role of SAHM to be? Will it be teamwork when he gets him from work at at weekends or will he ‘expect’ to come home to a cooked dinner every night, a tidy house, and for you to do the bed-time routine, all night time wakings, weekend childcare, etc.

Before you become dependent on him financially, be very clear about each other’s expectations.

I was going to say this. It's not just about money but respect/status as well

Do the mat leave snd decide towards the end - obviously allowing for notice periods etc.
I took a few years out of my career when my boys were just turned 1 and 2.5. Started working again last year when they were in Yr R and Yr 1. They're at private school and the vast majority of the mums work, however most work flexibly / remotely.