AIBU to become a SAHM

[Mum5687]

Posting here for traffic really.
I have a professional job that has required years of hard work, degrees, additional qualifications and I've always been very career motivated and driven. However, since becoming pregnant with baby number 1 (due this year) I've been having a career rethink. DH has a VERY well paid job (think upper tax bracket) and we do not need my salary (despite it being very substantial in itself...think just inside middle tax bracket). When I say we don't need my salary we won't be making any sacrifices in the way we live either due to DHs recent salary increase.

Therefore i'm considering taking a few years out and raising children (we would like more than 1) and using that time to retrain/volunteer and figure out what to do as I think after the novelty wears off I'll need/want something to do. DH is fully supportive of the decision.

Aside from the usual comments ie make sure you pay into a private pension (which I will) or don't do it in case of divorce...has anyone become a SAHM for a few years and used the time to retrain and figure out what to do? I've always been so sure of myself that this is a bit alien to me! I suppose my AIBU:

Yes YABU to become a SAHM
No YANBU to become a SAHM

I am in a similar position with my career and thinking the same. However I’m not sure I’d be ready to let it go, and if I took a few years out it would be very difficult to get back into it.
Instead I’m trying to reduce my hours
And also look at other roles within the industry that I can do.
I think i would also find it quite scary to take years off and then go back a bit rusty so this is a good balance for me

However if it’s what you want and you and DH are happy with that then why not? You can afford it? Will you regret doing / not doing it?
Will you have other protections - your pension? What happens if you get a divorce? are you confident dh would never be financially abusive and his money would be family money? If you want to go back to work can you? What if you need your own money for anything or you want to buy something you would normally be able to, will dh care? And have you discussed what the expectations will be of you - will you need to do more cooking/housework and will dh do any/much parenting if he is working and you aren’t - are you both on the same page about all of that?

I'm not particularly wedded to one side or the other - I enjoy my job and didn't enjoy being at home so it wasn't a hard decision for me. Conversely, I know women who've jumped at the opportunity to give up something they didn't much enjoy. I know others who are the main breadwinner and didn't have much choice.

But the part that requires much more thought is the idea to set up your own business. That is a big ask when you've just had a baby - much harder than going back to a job you already do.

I know at least one woman in your position, married to a high earner, who's spent the 5 years I've known her going on about her start up. It's been a start up for a loooong time...

You may want to see how your DH shapes up as a dad too. You may be surprised, positively or negatively.

If you are career driven you will find being a SAHM Very boring after a while - no need to make decisions just yet.

I would recommend waiting till your maternity leave, with my first I was made redundant had planned to stay at home for a couple of years with my first ….I started a new job a week after my maternity leave ended! It wasn’t for me (mentally struggled with my lack of financial independence- even with a husband that didn’t care had full access to the account etc but also I realised i enjoyed my independence (my choice completely) I work 4 days a week good balance. Outsource the housework :) but that is my experience.

Following on from someone else comment earlier I’ve also never missed a sports day, school play any special event. It’s all about balance and priorities which is our children so my husband also has never missed once of those special occasions! (Sadly often only 1 of a few Dads that did attend)

Wait, as others said. You don't know what kind of mother you will be before you become one. There is no way I personally could ever be a SAHM and toddler groups and crafting are my idea of hell. But I have close friends who are saying they will always be at home and will never go back to work.

If you decide that this is what you want to do, be mindful of becoming the default parent and full time housekeeper ( which has happened to some of my friends). Then it will also be very challenging to go back to a career, as your DH will likely not want to take back half of the domestic duties.

I went part time after 1st child. I knew I wanted to retrain - and started that in my free time while working (little bits here and there). Plan was to be sahm eventually and do more retraining - but a dream job came up in new industry - so went into that. New industry is much more flexible and relaxed. we need childcare but I feel I have a good balance

Congratulations 🥳 My advice would be to wait until your baby is here. I desperately wanted to be a SAHM until I actually had a baby and after 10 months I practically ran back to the office. It was not for me. I’d also recommend paying a deposit at a nursery/childminders just in case you do change your mind as they can be very difficult to get with a few months notice.

Children aside, plans to give up work based on a vague plan of "re-training" in an unknown, unspecified, (but definitely going to be infinitely better than the current job) field rarely work out very well.

It's fantasy.

I would wait until you are on Mat leave as you might hate it . I went back for a couple of months when DS was one and I hated it so was then SAHM for about 8 years. He is now 16 and I am working again, it has affected my career but I wouldn't change a minute of it . Good luck whatever you decide

I wouldn't. I dont believe any man can be trusted. My ex persuaded me for months to go part time when I was ill. Eventually after much thought and consideration I went part time three days a week whereupon he funked off with another woman leaving me unable to pay the mortgage and bills and I had to sell my home as I was too unwell to go full time again. Wed been married 20 years. I was 100% sure I could trust him. Ill never trust a man again.

Do keep in mind that for most women who become SAHM, even if temporarily, it means a hit to their careers that they are never able to recover from. Some may not be able to get back into the same field due to the several year gap in their resumes and this is sadly not uncommon. In either case you are definitely hurting your earning potential and your build up in pension if you take a brake.

It also puts you financially in a vulnerable position. As a SAHM you will becompletely financially dependent on your partner for as long as you don't work. You may find it changes the dynamic of your relationship.

Don’t do anything until you’ve spent good long time on mat leave. You have no idea how you’ll feel about 24/7 childcare.

You’re also proposing to give up a professional career to run a glamping business? Is there a demand? Do you want to deal with people complaining about this that and the other 7 days a week?

I would wait, being with a small child all day isn’t that fun to many of us regardless of how much we love them. I’m not working due to a combo of circumstances and have been home with my 20 month DD the entire time and I would have loved to have a job to go to tbh. DH is 100% a hands on DH and dad but it’s still a looooong day by ourselves.

You never know you many love it and want to stay at home but equally there are quite a lot of women who are chomping at the bit to get back in the work place.

You’re also much more likely to be able to turn your existing job into a part time role than find a part time role that reflects your experience and qualifications in the future.

Do it! I've loved spending so much time with my children right through to secondary and our finances made it possible. Definitely worth it if you can afford it.

I personally would aim to go part time - two days a week, keep your hand in, you can probably afford a nanny which would make it all a lot easier. You can then spend some time developing your business over time until that takes off. I personally would not have had the energy to put into a business of my own until the youngest was in preschool.

@CaptSkippy

Do keep in mind that for most women who become SAHM, even if temporarily, it means a hit to their careers that they are never able to recover from. Some may not be able to get back into the same field due to the several year gap in their resumes and this is sadly not uncommon. In either case you are definitely hurting your earning potential and your build up in pension if you take a brake.

It also puts you financially in a vulnerable position. As a SAHM you will becompletely financially dependent on your partner for as long as you don't work. You may find it changes the dynamic of your relationship.

Very dramatic and generalised.

Some sectors a few years out will make a difference. For many it's fine. I have been a sahm and know several others who were also sahp...we've all returned to the workplace with no problem. Clearly for some professions that are in demand it's easier than others.

And yes it affects your pension and promotion prospects (at least temporarily), but the OP is aware of the pension issue.

The OP will need to consider how difficult it will be in her sector for sure. And the longer you are out it stands to reason the harder it will be. But a few years in many many sectors no issue (I conceed not all though).

And it did not affect the dynamic of my relationship at all. The OP knows her husband and can consider that for her situation.

@AlwaysLatte

What did you do when your DC were at primary school?

Why do you need a holiday let business to pay into pensions? Can't you pay into private pensions with your family income? I think the tax break is less but it still enables you to save in your name.

YANBU as long as you're clear with DH on finances, how they'll be organised and have a financial decision making agreement.

Some sectors a few years out will make a difference. For many it's fine. I have been a sahm and know several others who were also sahp...we've all returned to the workplace with no problem. Clearly for some professions that are in demand it's easier than others.

This seems to be the case for teaching but very few other professional careers.

Part time is definitely my ideal. I mean we could do with what I bring in, but I enjoy working I need the balance not to hate my kids when they're being a wingey nightmare.

But entirely up to you. Would suggest just taking mat leave and see how you feel after a year. Could you get part time with a nanny for childcare so you're not stressed out?

Yes and op, it was over in the blink of an eye!
Really they are tiny for three years then into nursery etc and then school, then you have limited time with them whilst working, school and again in the blink of an eye they become a teen and start to naturally move away from you...

Sometimes people talk about sahm hood as if it's forever! It's not! My dc are older now, i work, and they see me working, and my wage eases things a little for us. Dh wage isn't great at all and esp not when I was a sahm we really struggled for a long time.

Caveat, I'd be flexible and loose having that time away is also great if you can do part time.

@LittleBearPad

Some sectors a few years out will make a difference. For many it's fine. I have been a sahm and know several others who were also sahp...we've all returned to the workplace with no problem. Clearly for some professions that are in demand it's easier than others.

This seems to be the case for teaching but very few other professional careers.

It really will depend on the profession. Teaching yes not so much of a problem. But I also know women working in nutrition, marketing and finance. Not been an issue. Do you know any RL SAHMs struggling to return to work? If so how long have they been out of work and what industry are they trying to return to? Clearly will be a problem for sectors where there is lots of competition for jobs. So careful decision making is needed.

But let's not dramatise, 3-5 years out is not necessarily career ending!!! The longer out the harder it will be of course. But let's have some balance on these types of threads.

I loved mat leave. After a year, I was totally ready to return to work. My DH and I work at similar levels, similar hours, and broadly share household tasks. I really like that. I would hate to be financially dependent on someone else