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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

901 replies

catfunk · 01/08/2021 12:59

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 01/08/2021 13:34

It is true. I was brought up middle class, but we're poor, and SS haven't been off my back since DD2 was born. School would rather ring them than me. And yet children who are actually being neglected and abused but from well off families are ignored.

Caffeinemonster · 01/08/2021 13:34

@NickyOy

And why Madeleine McCanns parents got away with leaving their kids in an apartment when they were out having a meal. If that was a working class family they would have had social services come down on them like a tonne of bricks
Wow. I doubt they think they “got away with it”.
Libraryghost · 01/08/2021 13:36

There are a lot of middle class mums who drink themselves to oblivion. Usually cocktails or gin and somehow that’s seen as fun and civilised. The mother on the council estate with a can of special brew is however looked down upon. It’s definitely a thing op!

VladmirsPoutine · 01/08/2021 13:36

Of course. It works that way across different classes and even races.

meow1989 · 01/08/2021 13:36

But abuse (Any type) doesn't happen in middle class families, certainly not where a parent (or partner) is eg a doctor or a lawyer.

Tongue in cheek obviously but there is very much a willingness to accept that people who are of a "lower class" or on benefits are guilty of things you'd potebtially have to work quite hard to convince people of with a well off family with a big house and 4x4. There's also a degree of professionals I particular being able to talk the talk and manipulate conversations.

PerciphonePuma · 01/08/2021 13:36

@beattieedny

I'm solidly middle class, country living person. I don't recognise that sort of behaviour at all. Maybe you're unfortunately just surrounded by arseholes? Get better friends, would be my top tip.
I was t aware it was socially acceptable to declare yourself as middle class?!
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2021 13:36

But the kidnapping you’re discussing happened abroad, would British police even have had jurisdiction to prosecute due to neglect?

felulageller · 01/08/2021 13:37

It is so true : there are more SS refs for WC patents than MC because of class bias not actual abuse levels being greater.

There are plenty of MC kids who get sexually abused/ physically abused/ affected by addiction but they never see a SW.

Comedycook · 01/08/2021 13:37

@Libraryghost

There are a lot of middle class mums who drink themselves to oblivion. Usually cocktails or gin and somehow that’s seen as fun and civilised. The mother on the council estate with a can of special brew is however looked down upon. It’s definitely a thing op!
My father was an alcoholic who would regularly drink and drive with me in the car and would be awful to me. The school knew. But, we were middle class, the school fees were paid on time and we had some smashing holidays in France so all tickety boo!
intothewoodss · 01/08/2021 13:37

My husband was horribly abused by his narcissistic mother, emotionally and occasionally physically. She neglected them too. Nobody thought anything was going on because they were naice middle class people, he was a choirboy etc etc

If he had grown up in the environment I did (working class family, challenging comprehensive school) I am pretty certain it would've got picked up at some point.

Libraryghost · 01/08/2021 13:39

@Caffeinemonster compare the media treatment of Madeleine McCanns parents to that of Ben Needham’s poor family and tell me there isn’t a difference. If the McCanns had been on benefits and gone to a karoeke bar instead of being middle class doctors who had tapas they would have been damned to hell.

Original poster
catfunk · 01/08/2021 13:39

Ok so for those saying I have a chip on my shoulder (I'm genuinely
sure how but please feel free to explain) here is another example.

Person I went to school with has lost custody of her kids because of complaints from DC father of drug use and alcohol (which is true- not defending her btw)

My friend husband takes cocaine at least every other weekend, wether in a fancy restaurant, dinner party or drinks at friends house.... he must spend around £100 minimum a weekend on it, and drinks heavily on weekends.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 01/08/2021 13:39

@mbosnz I’m sorry that happened to you.Flowers
I hope you find peace and self acceptance.
I completely agree with the op.
People on my wider family seem to think that locking a pre school child out of the house barefoot in the snow (I wish I was exaggerating) is not only completely acceptable, but also a rather hilarious dinner party anecdote.
Their life LOOKS like a white company advert. The reality is more like an episode of Black Mirror.
It’s affecting the children now.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/08/2021 13:39

@Caffeinemonster. you're right, I worded that badly. I meant, that the McCann parents weren't subjected to scrutiny over child neglect in the way working class parents would have been.

MrPickles73 · 01/08/2021 13:41

I went on a child protection course a few years back and the lecturer mentioned all the expected things and also neglect. Neglect in terms of being left for hours in front of iPads. This is endemic in the middle classes. Friends of ours have ponies, a lake, tennis court and the kids spend all day on their iPads. So much so that my kids don't want to go round there because their kids are so boring. Meanwhile the mum is on her phone. She does not work and is always 1 hour late.. she managed to miss sports day.. one evening she forgot to pick up her kids and my kids and for 2 hours was off the radar.. the headmaster phoned me to ask if we knew where she was.. if she was living on a council estate she would have been reported by now..

intothewoodss · 01/08/2021 13:42

The middle class drinking thing mystifies me. When I first met my DH's family, who would get through a couple of bottles of 'nice red' most nights and thought it sacrosanct to have a G&T at 5pm, I was completely mystified as to how people could be so obviously functioning alcoholic in plain sight. DH has quit drinking completely now and has only recently realised how dysfunctional that sort of drinking is. His father died young, and that jolted him out of it a bit.

wizzywig · 01/08/2021 13:42

Because middle class people can pay for the abortions, the rehab clinics, etc etc so they aren't made visible to social services

Libraryghost · 01/08/2021 13:43

@Comedycook shocking! I went to a really shit school and I know of 2 kids that were taken into foster care because their parents were alcoholics. Glad to hear your survived the experience, not without scars I am sure.

Comedycook · 01/08/2021 13:43

@intothewoodss

The middle class drinking thing mystifies me. When I first met my DH's family, who would get through a couple of bottles of 'nice red' most nights and thought it sacrosanct to have a G&T at 5pm, I was completely mystified as to how people could be so obviously functioning alcoholic in plain sight. DH has quit drinking completely now and has only recently realised how dysfunctional that sort of drinking is. His father died young, and that jolted him out of it a bit.
I know loads of families like this. What really grinds me gears is how they look down on working class people getting smashed on cider on the street
Comedycook · 01/08/2021 13:43

[quote Libraryghost]@Comedycook shocking! I went to a really shit school and I know of 2 kids that were taken into foster care because their parents were alcoholics. Glad to hear your survived the experience, not without scars I am sure.[/quote]
Thanks for your kind comment x

Wishes2020 · 01/08/2021 13:44

@NickyOy

And why Madeleine McCanns parents got away with leaving their kids in an apartment when they were out having a meal. If that was a working class family they would have had social services come down on them like a tonne of bricks
In what way did they ‘get away’ with anything?
DrManhattan · 01/08/2021 13:44

Agree with you op. Seen this myself

GoldBar · 01/08/2021 13:45

I think there is something in what you say. Social services are more intimidated/less likely to intervene if the parents are educated and have money. So children being neglected or abused are less likely to be given help. But money removes the pressure to some extent. The children are less likely to suffer because the parents have money for food, activities, help at home, extra childcare hours etc.

Also, maybe where I live is a bit staid and boring but I don't recognise the bohemian lifestyle you describe:

Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

Here it's home at 5.30, kids to bed by 7pm (at least the under 8s) and parents have an early night because they're up early on weekend mornings to take the kids to gymnastics or rugby club. Very few wild parties and I don't know anyone who openly takes drugs (though it may go on behind closed doors).

MissM2912 · 01/08/2021 13:46

All of the above comments about things that middle class parents do in relation to neglect may well be true- however they alone do not necessarily meet the threshold for social work involvement! I know of plenty of poor families where these things are also happening- especially the IPads etc, and social work aren’t involved either. It isn’t a class thing necessarily but a social work resource thing.

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 13:48

@MrPickles73

I went on a child protection course a few years back and the lecturer mentioned all the expected things and also neglect. Neglect in terms of being left for hours in front of iPads. This is endemic in the middle classes. Friends of ours have ponies, a lake, tennis court and the kids spend all day on their iPads. So much so that my kids don't want to go round there because their kids are so boring. Meanwhile the mum is on her phone. She does not work and is always 1 hour late.. she managed to miss sports day.. one evening she forgot to pick up her kids and my kids and for 2 hours was off the radar.. the headmaster phoned me to ask if we knew where she was.. if she was living on a council estate she would have been reported by now..
Reported for forgetting to pick the kids up once? Really?