To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

[MakemeaCake]

Town beginning with H & ending with E by any chance?!

Have I dropped in on University Challenge?

I can't think of any northern town H.........E.

[PerciphonePuma]

@MakemeaCake

Town beginning with H & ending with E by any chance?!

Have I dropped in on University Challenge?

I can't think of any northern town H.........E.

Harrogate

[Pinkandpink]

Mn is the only place that people feel the need to tell everyone they are middle class

[Nonmaquillee]

OP - I am guessing that you’re in Brighton?

[MakemeaCake]

Harrogate???

The epitome of middle class England with Betty's tea shop?

[PerciphonePuma]

@Pinkandpink

Mn is the only place that people feel the need to tell everyone they are middle class

This was my point exactly!! To me, the class of a person/family is a third party perception. It really makes me cringe when people say "🙋🏼‍♀️ Hi! I'm middle class!!" 🤣🤣🤣

[Libraryghost]

Thanks @Xenia. That clarifies it for me a bit. I went an awful school and my parents were off council estates so I suppose it’s your background that instils your sense of where you belong in the ‘class system’. I didn’t want to sound like I was bashing mc by the way because i honestly think if you took a cross section of every supposed class you would find good and bad. I think my prejudice is against those who I know are from a background like mine and forget their roots, but really is none of my business it it!

[catfunk]

Interesting how some posters are making out like I'm exaggerating just because they haven't experienced or seen this lifestyle themselves 😂
I assure you I'm not exaggerating actually I've probably played it down a bit for fear of being told to get new friends or whatever.

Location wise I dont want to reveal but I know people who live like this in all areas of London and amongst the south east coast in particular.

Age bracket is currently 40-50, most had kids mid -late 30s.

[Azilliondegrees]

YANBU OP. There is a family nearby in our vair posh neighbourhood who would undoubtedly have SS involvement if they lived somewhere in else.

Parents are borderline alcoholics who have an abusive relationship; children (all under 10) are often left home alone, and/or not fed regular meals. Oldest child is a problem at school in terms of bullying/aggression and other worrying behaviour.

Pretty much everyone knows their business, I don’t know them very well at all and yet I have heard all sorts of things from different sources. But nobody seems able to do anything about it and school aren’t interested.

[museumum]

I’m not excusing actual neglect but if you have money and access to taxis, deliveroo from nice restaurants (not just unhealthy takeaways), a full fridge of food delivered regularly, a cleaner etc then having a partying lifestyle isn’t as much of a problem as it is if you are unable to get your children to school, feed them or keep the house clean.

[catfunk]

@Nonmaquillee

OP - I am guessing that you’re in Brighton?

😉

[MinesAPintOfTea]

I have MH difficulties that have at times made it difficult to keep the house clean and pick DS up from school on time. But with a middle class income when I am doing well I also arranged a cleaner to come, a freezer full of good food that is easy to throw on table and childcare. That means that when I fall apart a bit all I have to do is turn up at the childcare with a two hour windows to aim at, put a frozen shepherds pie in the microwave and get DS to wash and go to bed, at which point in the knowledge that the cleaner will pick the mess up I can snuggle up with him for a a story.

Contrast with the working class family who are a bit more financially on the edge so can’t have all of that in place “in case” of bad days. They therefore go to pieces and the children don’t get fed appropriately, the house isn’t cleaned and are late to school pickup.

Both families love their children equally. It’s just that one family has more spare resources so can survive the tougher times more easily.

It’s a symptom of an unequal society, but there are quite small interventions which can help the latter family, that I am paying to happen in my family.

[catfunk]

Anyway. My point isn't that they're all pieces of shit and don't deserve to have children. Everyone had their struggles.
It was more about the disparity between perception/ consequences for the 2 groups.

[Thehop]

You are absolutely right.

A nursery I worked at reported a family time and time again but SS did nothing despite real neglect/abuse of those children. “They’re paying 2k a month in nursery fees, of course they’re not going without” despite that not being what we flagged. It’s hideous.

[catfunk]

@museumum

I’m not excusing actual neglect but if you have money and access to taxis, deliveroo from nice restaurants (not just unhealthy takeaways), a full fridge of food delivered regularly, a cleaner etc then having a partying lifestyle isn’t as much of a problem as it is if you are unable to get your children to school, feed them or keep the house clean.

Yes you are right. It seems that's the difference.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Nobody is slagging off the MC they are simply pointing out the double standards. My DC are in private school and I know that there are the same issues with drink and drugs as you would get at any school irrespective of class. I remember plenty of prep school picnics that were awash with prosecco but everyone had a picnic rug and bag. People were eating salads and antipasti. So it was all OK. Imagine the same thing - primary school sports day and a group of mums sit down on the edge of the sports field with some ham sandwiches, wrapped in foil, packets of wotsits and a couple of cans of cider - I suspect this would be less OK. Why?

Data suggests that problem drinking does broadly increase with income so MC people are more likely to be heavy drinkers. However, the effects of problem drinking seem to be greater for those on lower income
"The impact of harmful drinking and alcohol dependence is much greater for those in the lowest income bracket and those experiencing the highest levels of deprivation.

The reasons for this are not fully understood. People on a low income do not tend to consume more alcohol than people from higher socio-economic groups.

The increased risk is likely to relate to the effects of other issues affecting people in lower socio-economic groups"

www.gov.uk/government/publications/health-matters-harmful-drinking-and-alcohol-dependence/health-matters-harmful-drinking-and-alcohol-dependence

[Essentialironingwater]

This reminds me of my neighbours growing up. Dad was a raging alcoholic, owned a chain of car dealerships so kids always fed and well dressed but when we were teens my friend/neighbour was well aware her dad was seeing prostitutes and using drugs.

Your post also makes me think of how secure I feel as a parent. We have quite an outdoorsy lifestyle with a few acres of garden including woodland so DS is often going to nursery with bumps or scrapes and I never feel worried about SS whereas I have read posts on the internet of mothers terrified of SS involvement. I also don't feel insecure or embarrassed that I tend to send him in stained secondhand clothes as I feel really secure my parenting won't be challenged. That confidence has to come from somewhere and it's probably a socioeconomic thing.

[Nightlystroll]

@PerciphonePuma. I was a bit confused there. No, not Harrogate but very similar. I guess where I live is considered MC by people in the north but those in the south might consider it an uncivilised, poverty-stricken warzone. 😂

[MakemeaCake]

I think you are being a bit daft OP.

If they are breaking the law and abusing or neglecting their kids, then they deserve whatever they get.

If it's Brighton, it's infamous for being hippy-dippy, LBTGQ+ ,weed smoking bohemian folks.

Isn't it?

[Langy654321]

100% this is something which has happened until the beginning of class and will never stop - see Primrose Hill set in the 90s, drug found at a kids party (not sure what the child did with it, found it?) think it was Jude Law and Sadie child's party, but same situation. Wild parties off their faces in the kids playhouse but had nannies to pick up the pieces. However, it’s not the support structure due to wealth which should outshine the fact that these parents DO get away with it more, 100% more.

[Monday26July]

The stuff you mention isn’t on regardless of class.

But yes, I often notice this in relation to alcohol. Middle class mum has a glass of wine every night while she makes dinner and posts wine mom memes on Facebook about how ‘mummy needs wine’? Fine. Lower working class mum does the same, only it’s white lightning? Condemnation. Upper class dad drinks fancy scotch every night, fine. Lower class dad drinks the equivalent in units of carlsberg? Layabout.

Addiction and substance use problems are rife throughout ALL sections of society but they’re overlooked when the people involved are posh or well off. Two mums having a play date while they have a glass of red each brings out a different kind of response to two mums having a play date while drinking lambrini.

[newnortherner111]

This thread reminded me of a middle class family on holiday who went out for a meal, leaving three young children alone. One has not been seen since, yet the other two were not taken into care.

[catfunk]

@MinesAPintOfTea sounds like you're making the absolute best of a shit situation. Well done 💐

[floatingon]

YANBU

[floatingon]

@newnortherner111

This thread reminded me of a middle class family on holiday who went out for a meal, leaving three young children alone. One has not been seen since, yet the other two were not taken into care.

I have always said that if it was a working class family, the parents would’ve been arrested and the other 2 children removed from their care