To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

Bigger houses (detached), bigger gardens, more space between neighbours - I can see why noise/behaviour is less of a nuisance and imposes less on neighbours.

Yes the kids are well fed/ kept.
Eg if parents hungover on a Sunday they'll just go for a big pub lunch instead of cooking or order nice food on deliveroo .
Cleaner comes once a week .
Kids in expensive clothing so never look neglected.

I suspect it is partly because middle class parents may have better support structures in place. The house doesn't stay a mess after a party because the cleaner has been booked for an extra day. No food in the house - go out or order a takeaway whilst waiting for the online shop to arrive. They may have a nanny so DC have care. etc. etc.

I often ponder this too. I think you're right.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I suspect it is partly because middle class parents may have better support structures in place. The house doesn't stay a mess after a party because the cleaner has been booked for an extra day. No food in the house - go out or order a takeaway whilst waiting for the online shop to arrive. They may have a nanny so DC have care. etc. etc.

Exactly ! Interesting isn't it

Totally agree that they get away with loads because of class.

Well, it makes sense if you think the police are primarily there to protect property. The more you have, the less they bother you. The less you have, the more of a threat you are to those with property and so the heavier they come down on you.

I don't think that's a middle class thing. That's a twat thing. They come in all states of financial position and social standing.

In any "class", unless someone reports to SS, nothing will happen. If you think there's a concern, report it. But agree with PP, maybe take the chip off your shoulder first.

@catfunk

Yes wowzaa to all of the above.

So for example friends kid's teacher caught her at the gate on a Monday eve recently to ask are you ok, child says you were sick all day yesterday so dad took them out for the day. Mum says 'oh yes just drank too much on Saturday night as usual' and they all laughed.

I agree. The Prosecco Mum is seen as acceptable, the Lager Mum is not.

They are one and the same IMO.
One drinks out of can, the other a glass.

x post

It’s all to do with thresholds. It takes an awful lot of neglect to get social services involved. As long as there is ‘good enough’ parenting social services stay well away.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I suspect it is partly because middle class parents may have better support structures in place. The house doesn't stay a mess after a party because the cleaner has been booked for an extra day. No food in the house - go out or order a takeaway whilst waiting for the online shop to arrive. They may have a nanny so DC have care. etc. etc.

Very good point.

Yanbu

I'm sure the police/social services have a policy of "bully the poor, ignore the middle and bend over for the rich".

TheSunShinesBrighter Even lager mum has to really really push it. Drinking alone is not sufficient threshold.

I’m as middle-class as they come. You obviously move in a racier set than I do OP.

I did not say ‘ I know ‘ it’s not as bad as you suggest, I said ‘I doubt’ . And the reason I doubt it, is that if parents were taking drugs, staying out , partying all night, it seems , to me, that the children would show signs of being affected.
The chip comment just came from the tone of your post - the north/south comment , the ‘care?’ of social services.
But that’s my reading of your post through my own middle class filters.

I do have a couple of friends who are social workers and they do tell me they have a lot of business in middle class areas of town, but again it’s the poor parenting, rather than drugged out parties, that sends them there and it often gets picked up first at school.

@Quickchangeartiste ah ok I used 'care (?)' Re social services as I'm not actually sure of the correct terminology to use! It's not care as such is it. On the radar perhaps.....

I once found a three year old wandering round a gastro pub car park alone. He could barely talk and I spent a good ten minutes trying to work out where his parents were...once found, mum was totally unperturbed that her toddler had been wandering around alone and barely mumbled a thank you. She was totally rah, posh and bohemian. If I'd known, I wouldn't have bothered to find her, I'd have just called the police

Buccanarab. That is nonsense. And I say that as someone with significant experience in this area. Social services will genuinely only get involved if the child is at real enduring risk of harm. Even in poor areas anti social behaviour alone will not warrant it. There are loads of drug users/ drinkers/ people with chaotic lifestyles/ people with significant hygiene issues who do not have kids on CPR.

I don't recognise the scenario of MC parents taking drugs etc but maybe I lead a very sheltered life!

I agree about the McCanns though. If they had been wc, unemployed parents getting pissed in their local.pub whilst they left their kids home alone then SS would (quite rightly) have intervened. As they are "respectable" MC doctors who were at a Tapas bar with their doctor friends, they had celebrities falling over themselves to donate money etc, and the press on the whole very supportive.

I don’t think either of the experiences you describe are typical of working class or middle class tbh so your observations in your current city are not proof of middle class parents ‘getting away with murder’.

That said, assumptions and prejudice around class can certainly result in neglect or abuse in mc homes being overlooked while at the same time I think authorities can be quicker to assume these things in a wc family. Eg little Jonah can run around all day coated in mud, hair looking like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, in worn, mismatched second hand clothes and the assumption will be that he’s having a wholesome, ‘free range’ childhood. Little Kyle looking and doing the very same on his wc housing estate will quite possibly raise ‘red flags’. Meanwhile the neglect or abuse of a well dressed child from a mc home with parents who tick all the right mc boxes can fly below radar because the authorities aren’t looking in that direction .

If you have concerns about children’s safety you should report to the appropriate authorities irrespective of their parents lifestyle.

@Buccanarab

Yanbu

I'm sure the police/social services have a policy of "bully the poor, ignore the middle and bend over for the rich".

My God, that is utterly glorious!

@VestaTilley

I wouldn’t say it’s not fair- rather that neither set of parents should be behaving this way.

You should not both drink to excess while your Dc are at home with you (what if you needed to drive them to hospital?) and you should never take illegal drugs (at all in my view) when your DC are at home.

Any parent, whatever their class, should be investigated by SS if doing so.

I thin neglect of children and outsourcing parenting to phones and tablets is a growing issue too...

We don't have a car so can't drive to hospital anyway. Should we not have children?

Ok, so we are talking semantics and I am a picky bitch with my words.

I have never lived in the SE, so it’s just out of my experience I guess, but I totally get that if you are in an area/ demographic that has a bad reputation , ss & police triggers get pulled faster.

@catfunk

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

🤣🤣

Where on earth do you live?!