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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

901 replies

catfunk · 01/08/2021 12:59

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 14:16

Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

nothing to do with "middle-class" Hmm

Essentialironingwater · 01/08/2021 14:16

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude I sent DD to a prestigious prep school and experienced similar. We even had wine at parents evening, school plays (provided by school) and kids birthday parties!! One mum threw up the side of a gazebo when we all met at a regatta with our kids...at 2pm. She's now in state grammar and it's completely different culturally in that way - I imagine sadly any of the parents from the council estates who behaved similarly would be vilified. There are definitely double standards.

Original poster
catfunk · 01/08/2021 14:17

@MakemeaCake

I think you are being a bit daft OP.

If they are breaking the law and abusing or neglecting their kids, then they deserve whatever they get.

If it's Brighton, it's infamous for being hippy-dippy, LBTGQ+ ,weed smoking bohemian folks.

Isn't it? Grin

@MakemeaCake what's daft?

My point is they won't get anything because it's never reported when you're in these circles.

OP posts:
Nonmaquillee · 01/08/2021 14:17

@catfunk I guessed it was Brighton immediately.

I recognise some of what you say. I can’t stand the place - full of virtue-signalling types who make a point about what kind of organic skinny oatmilk coffee concoction they drink, then, as you describe, get hammered on gin cocktails.

Totally understand what you mean about “bohemian neglect” - kids in mini Boden who never get their hair brushed or noses wiped.

Killahangilion · 01/08/2021 14:17

I’m amazed that anyone is questioning you OP.

It’s always been the case that wealthy parents and their offspring get up to all sorts of shenanigans and simply buy their way out of trouble. Wealthy white kids are rarely sent to jail for drugs offences compared to kids from poorer backgrounds who are punished for more minor offences.

Some posters have clearly led a very sheltered life if they’ve either not witnessed this themselves or are completely unaware of it.

HappyMcflappy · 01/08/2021 14:18

Oh this is exactly what happens where I live. There’s always cocaine at summer BBQ’s where kids are running around. I went to a summer fete last Sunday and was sat near a couple of families I know, after drinking three bottles of Cote du Provence and four rounds of Tequila the cocaine was ordered just after 3pm, there was about 7 children under 8 with them.
When groups of Mum’s take the kids camping they all have a bottle of Corona for breakfast and drink throughout the day. I went for Saturday lunch with a friend and afterwards her DD6, her DSD7 and another friends DS5 came back to her house. My friend asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to do a line... I was horrified. It was about 4pm on a Saturday afternoon and not only was her child there, two other peoples children were there and we were solely in charge of them.
I’ve never done cocaine and have cut ties with all those people now but it’s fascinating how accepted it all is. These people were all privately educated, live in £800k+ houses and don’t seem to be slowing down at all in their 40’s.

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 14:18

You are saying that if a working class family went to Butlins and one of their children was abducted then social services should remove their other children?

Give your head a wobble!

Original poster
catfunk · 01/08/2021 14:19

@Bryonyshcmyony

You are saying that if a working class family went to Butlins and one of their children was abducted then social services should remove their other children?

Give your head a wobble!

Nobody said that did they?
OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 14:19

@HappyMcflappy

Oh this is exactly what happens where I live. There’s always cocaine at summer BBQ’s where kids are running around. I went to a summer fete last Sunday and was sat near a couple of families I know, after drinking three bottles of Cote du Provence and four rounds of Tequila the cocaine was ordered just after 3pm, there was about 7 children under 8 with them. When groups of Mum’s take the kids camping they all have a bottle of Corona for breakfast and drink throughout the day. I went for Saturday lunch with a friend and afterwards her DD6, her DSD7 and another friends DS5 came back to her house. My friend asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to do a line... I was horrified. It was about 4pm on a Saturday afternoon and not only was her child there, two other peoples children were there and we were solely in charge of them. I’ve never done cocaine and have cut ties with all those people now but it’s fascinating how accepted it all is. These people were all privately educated, live in £800k+ houses and don’t seem to be slowing down at all in their 40’s.
Extraordinary. Why on earth do you hang out with them?
KeyboardWorriers · 01/08/2021 14:20

I don't recognise the partying parents at all, and I am solidly middle class and always have been. But I live in a rural/suburban area not a trendy city.

That aside, I do agree that social services etc tend to turn a blind eye to middle class abuse. I have awful harrowing experience of trying to seek help for myself and my children. My awful violent ex charmed everyone because he was well spoken and articulate. The judge even dismissed my whole statement as "just middle class abuse" because there was "no swearing".

Comedycook · 01/08/2021 14:20

Wealthy white kids are rarely sent to jail for drugs offences compared to kids from poorer backgrounds who are punished for more minor offences

Absolutely. It's like stop and search. Stop a few kids in Lewisham and find some weed...and it's declared as proof stop and search is working. Meanwhile, coked up hooray henrys fall out of nightspots in Chelsea and no one gives a shit.

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 14:20

I have always said that if it was a working class family, the parents would’ve been arrested and the other 2 children removed from their care

🙄

katedan · 01/08/2021 14:22

I think a lot is to do with Middle class parents knowing how to play the game and know how to speak to professionals, professionals perception of a family makes a big difference in terms of social care involvement, is not fair and the reason sexual abuse is the hidden abuse as it is much more prevalent in middle class homes and no one is looking, In the same way that boarding school is middle class neglect and is massively damaging to children in the same way neglect in poor families is but is rarely considered the same.

Original poster
catfunk · 01/08/2021 14:22

@HappyMcflappy this is what I mean, it doesn't even appear shocking at the time and is totally casual and normalised if you're in those circles.

But when you step back and think about it and compare it to other demographics, if feels quite extreme doesn't it.

OP posts:
Beetie1 · 01/08/2021 14:22

[quote RickOShay]@mbosnz I’m sorry that happened to you.Flowers
I hope you find peace and self acceptance.
I completely agree with the op.
People on my wider family seem to think that locking a pre school child out of the house barefoot in the snow (I wish I was exaggerating) is not only completely acceptable, but also a rather hilarious dinner party anecdote.
Their life LOOKS like a white company advert. The reality is more like an episode of Black Mirror.
It’s affecting the children now.[/quote]
Genuine question. Have you referred social services or the children's schools with your concerns? And if not why not?

Demelza82 · 01/08/2021 14:23

Utter rubbish, chavs get away with everything - you are clueless

moonbedazzled · 01/08/2021 14:24

@catfunk
My point is they won't get anything because it's never reported when you're in these circles.

You're in those social circles now so how many have you reported? What was the outcome?

Original poster
catfunk · 01/08/2021 14:24

@Bryonyshcmyony

I have always said that if it was a working class family, the parents would’ve been arrested and the other 2 children removed from their care

🙄

WOULD. Not should. I think you've missed the point of the post. Post was saying they would have (not that that's right m) yet a MC family have no repercussions for that.
OP posts:
Happycow37 · 01/08/2021 14:24

I’m studying to be a social worker and it’s a well known fact (in those circles at least) that middle/upper class families aren’t even on the radar of social services and often times are more neglectful of their children than poor families. The difference is literally money.

BalloonSlayer · 01/08/2021 14:25

How about David Cameron leaving one of his kids behind in the pub?

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 14:28

@Happycow37

I’m studying to be a social worker and it’s a well known fact (in those circles at least) that middle/upper class families aren’t even on the radar of social services and often times are more neglectful of their children than poor families. The difference is literally money.
But they literally are on your radar as you are learning about it - why aren't social services doing anything about it?!
Comedycook · 01/08/2021 14:28

I was brought up middle class but am probably considered working class now.

Many years ago the day before my dds first day at nursery, she bashed her head on a door frame accidentally. She had a terrible cut and bump on her head. I was petrified they'd think she was being abused. I went out that day and bought her an expensive outfit, new shoes and bag for her to wear on her first day (I was originally going to send her in old clothes) but I wanted them to see she was well cared for.

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 14:28

@NickyOy

And why Madeleine McCanns parents got away with leaving their kids in an apartment when they were out having a meal. If that was a working class family they would have had social services come down on them like a tonne of bricks
I agree with this.

Hadn't they done that for every night of the holiday?

Very comfortably MC background here and that certainly wasn't normal behaviour but I do believe would have been judged far more harshly if they hadn't a professional background.

That child was utterly, unforgivably failed.

StrangeToSee · 01/08/2021 14:29

I haven’t come across either type of parent.

But I guess if the wealthy parents can afford nannies/childminders/au pairs, the children are well fed and well dressed, have plenty of age appropriate toys and learning resources, there’s not much for SS to do?

Whereas parents getting too drunk/high to be responsible and manage school runs, will be noticed and accused of neglect. Or spending benefits on alcohol instead of food so the kids go hungry, or the kids are malnourished or obese through poor diet, or dressed inappropriately for the weather; these things will be looked into.

Same with the home: if cleaners take care of all the mess it looks like the parents are on top of things. If children are crammed into a small dirty flat with grubby clothes and not enough hot water to wash, SS have a reason to intervene.

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 14:30

Mm was abducted
The blame lies with the person who abducted her