To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

[PerciphonePuma]

Yep I was the child who the abuse of, got totally ignored as we weren't in a council house/single parent family. Like PP, I cried out for help (walked to police station crying, in the middle of the night. They went to see my parents, they spoke to them and I was promptly given a bollocking for wasting police time!)

Now I'm a single parent (through no choice of my own) and the questioning I got from my health visitor about what my lifestyle is like and the school always asking how I'm "coping" is infuriating. Despite their constant reassurance that they have no reason to think I'm not coping - my child is extremely happy, well fed, well dressed & clean and is actually the life of the class (their words!) but with me being a single parent, they seem to class us as a 'deprived family' and figuratively place us into a category 😳
They've also taken it upon themselves to put us on FSM, despite my income being in excess of £30k (not huge I know but hardly 'poverty stricken!!) I can only presume this is because I don't wear make up due to allergies and they've decided I must be poor 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

It's definitely a thing!

I agree about Madeleine McCann as well. If a single parent on holiday with her boyfriend, did the exact same thing and her child was abducted in the same way, well omg! She'd be in prison!!!!

[intothewoodss]

MiL came to stay last year and walked round to Tesco to buy herself two bottles of Prosecco, because we didn't have any beer or wine in the house. You could see she was actually terrified at the prospect of not imbibing any alcohol in the evenings. I said nothing, obviously, but I felt really sad for her. She has absolutely no idea that she is addicted to it. She just thinks she's a lady who 'loves my seccy'

[mbosnz]

@PerciphonePuma sing it sister. I truly hear and understand your pain. And fury.

[PerciphonePuma]

@Apeirogon

I'm middle class and don't recognise the things you describe. Getting drunk and staying out all night? Do you mean leaving the kids at home n their own??

Another person declaring themselves middle class!?!?!

[Bryonyshcmyony]

I'm definitely middle class!

None of my friends are drunk drug addicts.

[Pinkandpink]

NickyOy
Totally agree with your comment 👍

[Apeirogon]

What's wrong with identifying as middle class? Genuine question as I honestly don't understand?

[RickOShay]

It happens. I would not leave my dc with some members of my family.
I work with families who are involved with SS. I would happily trust them with my dc.
Appearances are deceptive.

[randomwomen]

@catfunk

Good point re the McCanns. Doubt there would have been so much initial sympathy and press had they been knocking back white lightening at Butlins

Tbh, anyone who does not have sympathy with parents whose child has been stolen is an utter arsehole, imho.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

I don’t recognise that sort of behaviour, and I’m sure my dd, who lives in a solidly MC area, would say the same.

Might add that from experience, it’s the ‘trendy-lefty-liberal’ types who tend to be more ‘relaxed’ about what used to be called bohemian behaviour.

Funny how often the MC are so often slagged off on MN, though. It seems that they are an acceptable target. Let anyone dare to mention the C-word* , though, and they’d better have a hefty parapet to duck under.

(Chvs, in case you hadn’t guessed.)

[BiBabbles]

YANBU. Part of it is likely support networks and similar that pick up the slack of shite parenting, but another part is that more of the systems around us turn a blind eye to the "right" postcode or "right" ways of appearing compared to others, in part because things are so overstretched that the threshold gets pushed higher and higher and there is a cultural assumption that even if well-to-do parents fuck their kids up, they'll be willing to cover the costs of dealing with it (ignoring that a parent having money does not mean their child has money).

I have so many stories both in growing up with parents who knew how to play this game well in the US and seeing how wildly different my parenting is perceived depending on how I and where I live is viewed. Things I did while living in an HA area are viewed very differently now that I live in a mostly private ownership area.

It's why, even though it frustrates me a bit how much schools working on a shoestrong and a prayer are picking up all the pieces, I'm glad so many others pushing more to find ways to see vulnerable kids beyond using Pupil Premium - it's a start, but there are more who are pushing to have a broader view, that it may seem weird, but a kid whose parent makes 6 figures might benefit from breakfast club or cooking club to make sure they actually eat. Sadly, too many still find that a waste or, in the worst cases I've seen, blame the child when a parent who has resources on paper isn't appropriately stepping up (often because the parent blames them to cover it up).

[catfunk]

Maybe middle class isn't the right term, I don't even know how to define it really hence using speech marks.

I'm talking about people who are generally uni educated, average or higher earners, home owners etc

[PumpkinKlNG]

PerciphonePuma I agree, I’m a single patent and feel very judged by the school, they’ve reported me to ss for very petty reasons that no way would a MC parent be reported for (it was so bad that even ss told me that the school seem overly anxious about me) and ss have come and been all over me one took offence to the fact I had no carpet on my stairs (at the point I had just moved in and hadn’t got round to it) definitely feel more judged as a single parent, I have 4 children and she told me it’s not possible that I am coping as a single parent to 4, she insisted I must be struggling despite me telling her I had family help etc she wouldn’t have any of it.

[Nightlystroll]

I live in the North (obviously shorthand for poverty central). I have a friend who works for children's services and social services don't get involved because parents have a noisy party! I also live in a fairly middle class area (for the North!) and no noisy parties round here - well, someone had a couple of friends round for a bbq yesterday, does that count?

And just because someone says they were hung over could just be an exaggerated joke? I often say things about having a glass of wine or a gin, and I'm practically teatotal.

[RickOShay]

I don’t think it’s a question of slagging off the middle classes. It’s more that their behaviour can be appalling towards their children, but due to money and general ‘shiny ness’ they do not generally get referred to SS, when in some cases, they really really should be.

[Xenia]

No one I know is like this. I am middle class (London lawyer etc, private schools) and I don't even drink alcohol never mind have loud parties at home. I have never smoked a cigarette never mind taken drugs.

[WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow]

I think it’s really interesting too that a few posters have used the term bohemian with regard to OPs description of these particular mc parents lifestyle. Not in a million years would anyone use that word to describe the very same behaviour when champage is replaced with lager and the event moved to a wc area. There are much more negative and damning words used in that scenario…

I’m not taking a shot at those posters btw. I just think it’s indicative of how people can view the exact same behaviours very differently depending on the class of those exhibiting the behaviour.

[Libraryghost]

@Apeirogon

What's wrong with identifying as middle class? Genuine question as I honestly don't understand?

I am never actually sure what middle class is? I suppose on the face of it I could be middle class, We have good jobs, disposable income, nice holidays etc but both of are from very working class backgrounds and identify as working class because that’s what we know, our culture and values etc. When someone says I am middle class I am thinking ‘get you’ ‘ who do you think you are’ but I also think it’s a bit of inverted snobbery on my part and i am perhaps in the wrong.

[MakemeaCake]

This sounds a bit like a 'south London set' @catfunk

Is it?

I think you are generalising.

I am middle class by dint of a uni education, going into a solid middle class profession, and marrying a guy who did the same.

I have 2 adults kids and do not recognise any of your post.
Maybe you are much younger than I am, and this is something the current 30-40 somethings do?

Unlike you I grew up in poverty. My first 3 years were spend in a flat with no hot water and no inside loo- it was outside.

My parents didn't drink lager or tenants, or do anything that you think working class people did. They worked their socks off to save a small deposit to buy a very small house where they still live today.

Who are you mixing with?

[PerciphonePuma]

@PumpkinKlNG

PerciphonePuma I agree, I’m a single patent and feel very judged by the school, they’ve reported me to ss for very petty reasons that no way would a MC parent be reported for (it was so bad that even ss told me that the school seem overly anxious about me) and ss have come and been all over me one took offence to the fact I had no carpet on my stairs (at the point I had just moved in and hadn’t got round to it) definitely feel more judged as a single parent, I have 4 children and she told me it’s not possible that I am coping as a single parent to 4, she insisted I must be struggling despite me telling her I had family help etc she wouldn’t have any of it.

💖 Horrendous, isn't it. I genuinely and whole heartedly believe that the majority fail to realise that besides a small number of (BRAVE) women, most single parents have NOT chosen to be! Most of us started families like anyone else, only to have the situation change on us. Some of us are even single parents due to drink drivers taking out our law abiding husband, leaving us widowed. Yet according to many out there, a single parent is a benefits leach and "did it to get a house"

Infuriates me

[Orf1abc]

It isn’t a class thing necessarily but a social work resource thing.

It's both.

If both families were referred, the cases would be judged completely differently. I've seen it too many times to be blind to it.

[PerciphonePuma]

@Nightlystroll

I live in the North (obviously shorthand for poverty central). I have a friend who works for children's services and social services don't get involved because parents have a noisy party! I also live in a fairly middle class area (for the North!) and no noisy parties round here - well, someone had a couple of friends round for a bbq yesterday, does that count?

And just because someone says they were hung over could just be an exaggerated joke? I often say things about having a glass of wine or a gin, and I'm practically teatotal.

Town beginning with H & ending with E by any chance?!

[Xenia]

Library, I am middle class because I am. Went to a fee paying school, father a doctor, mother a teacher, speak reasonably well in terms of accent etc, London lawyer, children went to private schools. I think it would be quite hard to suggest I were working class although I do work. Nor am I upper class. I am probably what people used to call upper middle class. I don't say that to show off. Go back to the 1800s and a lot of this family were down the coal mines.

[MakemeaCake]

I'm talking about people who are generally uni educated, average or higher earners, home owners etc

Yep, that's us and our friends.

Still don't recognise any of it. (Except a couple of parents who were in the theatre and lived a slightly different way to most of us.)

Where are you?

[Crimeismymiddlename]

I have often thought this myself. I know a few people who’s parents were alcoholics and neglectful who never once caught the eye of ss due to being professional’s. They find it easier to hide as money hides things. I think there is also a lot of ‘going to stay with grandparents/family’ when things get really bad, so much more support as well.