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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
onelittlefrog · 01/08/2021 16:38

However OP, the fact she says I know you have a wife and kids but.... Makes her a complete bitch in my eyes

You don't know her story.

She might not have known that at the start of the relationship.

People fall into these things through all sorts of routes, and you can only judge those whose stories you actually know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:39

@TSSDNCOP

It is absolutely the fault of the cheating spouse.

But you would have to be rather pitiful to know the man you're living a half life with is a cheat and find that acceptable.

I'm sure there are women that can justify to themselves the reason they've entered into and accept these arrangements, but I can't help thinking that they're kidding themselves.

Are you referring to the wife or to the OW? What you're saying could be applicable to either.

The only difference is that the OW/OM generally knows the score. That is what is so wrong - the husband/wife should end their marriage before taking up with somebody else.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:39

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Yes, DrSbaitso, I notice this all the time. I think it's because they are humiliated (by their husband) yet still need some capacity to forgive so they take that need for applying blame and lob it towards the affair partner that their husband cheated with. All that anger and contempt they cannot bear to put on their husbands (which they rightly should) but it has to go somewhere - so onto the OW it goes.

Perhaps it's the other side of the coin? Affair partner has no responsibility but they also have no affection from the cheated on spouse so all of the ire is levied at them.

It must be so, so difficult as a cheated on spouse to do the mental gymnastics necessary to keep going in the marriage when you know, 100% that your partner cannot be trusted - and they've proved it to you.

I agree. But a lot of these comments come from women who aren't talking about "their" OW, but other ones they've known.

It's just an inherent, general urge to use gentler language for married men who cheat and the strongest possible for the OW.

It's sinister.

Someone has already abused an OW in a recent post thus: "You didn't care about the hurt or pain that his wife would feel when she found out? You sound like a cold hearted, nasty piece of work."

If the husband didn't give a shit about how his wife would feel when she found out, why would the random OW be expected to care more? Why has he escaped castigation?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:43

@BakewellGin1

So in my mind

The man made the vows therefore is definately in the wrong 100%

If a woman knowingly is the other woman then I feel they lack in self respect, morals and generally are not a nice person - no they may not make vows to the wife or so on. But to knowingly get involved with a married man is disgusting behaviour.

If the OW has been led to believe that the man is single etc etc then no it is not her fault.

However OP, the fact she says I know you have a wife and kids but.... Makes her a complete bitch in my eyes.

Not a chance I would ever lower myself to being the OW as I have respect for others and would not knowingly be involved with someone's husband and be part of breaking up a family.

Personally I met a man, who said he was single, gave me his number etc. Found out he wasn't actually single... Didn't see me for dust. Not a chance would I want to be involved with someone like that.

See, perfect example.

One line about the man being "definitely in the wrong 100%."

Then an entire paragraph about the woman and her "disgusting behaviour". And later a "complete bitch". And then some stuff about "lowering oneself" to be an OW.

It's not just this post. Look back, there are loads like this. A line or two about the man, paragraphs about the woman and all the best insults saved for her.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 16:46

Just for the record I think men who cheat on their wives are shits.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2021 16:46

I actually can’t imagine a woman writing that. I know you’ve a wife and kids but pick me?

Confused
TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 16:49

@DrSbaitso I was responding to the OW question, given that's the thread title.

As far as it goes enjoyment of sex is not limited to either sex.

As I said, the cheating spouse is 100% in the wrong, and is usually getting their cake and eating it. Everyone else involved is participating knowing and willingly or not in that persons construct of lies and deceit.

I don't believe in karma, that's for children and the sort of people that think psychics are spot on.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:50

[quote TSSDNCOP]@DrSbaitso I was responding to the OW question, given that's the thread title.

As far as it goes enjoyment of sex is not limited to either sex.

As I said, the cheating spouse is 100% in the wrong, and is usually getting their cake and eating it. Everyone else involved is participating knowing and willingly or not in that persons construct of lies and deceit.

I don't believe in karma, that's for children and the sort of people that think psychics are spot on.[/quote]
Ok, but why is she pitiful for having the affair and surely somehow suffering for it if he isn't?

Carthief · 01/08/2021 16:52

Like a PP has said, why do you expect a complete stranger to care more for your cousins marriage than her own husband does?

Her husbands a grade A shit, blaming the OW won’t make that less of a fact.

TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 16:59

Well yes, the cheater could indeed be pitiful. Again though, I was responding to the thread title.
If the thread title was "Do you think cheating husbands are scheming deceitful cunts, who are beneath contempt for treating women as little more than bit-parts in their pitiful self-centred universe?" I would have responded to that.
With a yes, I do, for the record.

But it didn't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:59

I saw that post from BakewellGin, DrSbaitso and it highlights exactly what the perception is from many posters on this subject:

Cheating husband = Can't help himself, couldn't say 'no' ... and then paragraph after paragraph about OW

As you said, mild name-calling for the married man - the whole gamut of filthy names reserved for his affair partner.

No wonder men think they can get away with cheating; they can because there are legions of women falling over themselves to excuse them - and denigrate the woman involved.

It's quite shocking but at the same time, really isn't.

otherwoman1234 · 01/08/2021 17:01

Name changed for this, obvs.

I was the OW for nearly 8 years.

  • I was young and naive
  • I fell in love with him
  • I'd never felt a connection like it before
  • I never made any vows
  • he told me he was miserable in his relationship
  • I knew I never wanted to break the marriage up, or be the cause of it
  • broke it off when he wanted to leave his wife for me
  • the most painful years of my life.
RightYesButNo · 01/08/2021 17:02

“I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me.”
I mean, difficult to know who signed this? Here are a few possibilities:
Cordially, Camilla Parker Bowles
xoxo, Carrie Symonds Johnson
Warm regards, Claire Danes (maybe extra points because her affair partner left his wife when she was seven months’ pregnant)
Best, Elizabeth Taylor (a few times, sadly)
Peace and love, Angelina Jolie
Signed, Katherine Hepburn
… and the list goes on.

The fact is, in a small village, it may haunt you for life (Scarlet Letter, anyone?) and you’ll be gossiped about forever, but if you’re going to bed on one-thousand thread count sheets at Buckingham Palace or 10 Downing Street, you probably sleep just fine.

And while I know this is supposed to be THE sin, I just can’t see why this one is worse than all the other things we possibly do to each other (and there are many). I’ve never cheated in a relationship or on a spouse, but I still can’t judge someone else. I’ve made my own huge mistakes, and I have no idea what the judgment for them will be. Maybe what I’ve done is subjectively worse. I don’t know.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 17:05

@TSSDNCOP

Well yes, the cheater could indeed be pitiful. Again though, I was responding to the thread title. If the thread title was "Do you think cheating husbands are scheming deceitful cunts, who are beneath contempt for treating women as little more than bit-parts in their pitiful self-centred universe?" I would have responded to that. With a yes, I do, for the record.

But it didn't.

"If the thread title was "Do you think cheating husbands are scheming deceitful cunts, who are beneath contempt for treating women as little more than bit-parts in their pitiful self-centred universe?" I would have responded to that."

Don't you think it's significant that it wasn't?

Fernando072020 · 01/08/2021 17:06

Sympathy, op. I know it's mainly the husband's fault as he is the married one but the woman certainly has played her ugly role in this too. My auntie was cheated on, her husband and his work colleague, their kids were 9 and 4. It's been 15 years and the damaged it did can still be seen today in my (now adult) cousins.
Even if a married man who I liked came at me, I'd walk away, I'd never be that person to do that to children.

TableFlowerss · 01/08/2021 17:07

I’m of the opinion that the other woman is irrelevant. It’s not her fault someone’s ‘D’H is an utter pig and can’t keep it in his pants.

She has no loyalties to the wife and so there’s no emotional attachment. It’s the husband I would be asking this question about. He’s the one with the wife that he’s supposed to love and respect.

If it wasn’t other woman A, it would be other woman B, C or D…. That’s why imo she’s irrelevant.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/08/2021 17:08

The cheat has already picked the OW in all honesty.

TableFlowerss · 01/08/2021 17:09

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I saw that post from BakewellGin, DrSbaitso and it highlights exactly what the perception is from many posters on this subject:

Cheating husband = Can't help himself, couldn't say 'no' ... and then paragraph after paragraph about OW

As you said, mild name-calling for the married man - the whole gamut of filthy names reserved for his affair partner.

No wonder men think they can get away with cheating; they can because there are legions of women falling over themselves to excuse them - and denigrate the woman involved.

It's quite shocking but at the same time, really isn't.

This.
CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 17:12

I’m of the opinion that the other woman is irrelevant. It’s not her fault someone’s ‘D’H is an utter pig and can’t keep it in his pants.

What about "it takes two to tango"?

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 17:13

I ask again, how does saying it is reprehensible for a woman to knowingly sleep with a married man equate to excusing the man?

Shmithecat2 · 01/08/2021 17:14

@Fernando072020

Sympathy, op. I know it's mainly the husband's fault as he is the married one but the woman certainly has played her ugly role in this too. My auntie was cheated on, her husband and his work colleague, their kids were 9 and 4. It's been 15 years and the damaged it did can still be seen today in my (now adult) cousins. Even if a married man who I liked came at me, I'd walk away, I'd never be that person to do that to children.
So it's just a fault of the husband, but the OW played an ugly role? Why no insulting descriptive for the husband?
Muchmorethan · 01/08/2021 17:14

My XH left me and my boy's for OW.

I actually really like her... but morally we are worlds apart.

She knew he was married with DC as she'd met me .... when l made her a coffee.

serenenadine · 01/08/2021 17:14

I can only comment about my experience. I was getting divorced at a very young ages from a husband that cheated on me. I met a more senior work colleague who showed interest. I thought it was cool and it would be a bit of fun and as a pp has mentioned I felt so unwanted I figured that a man who was willing to risk wife, family etc. Must really like me.
I didn't know there was a script. I don't know that all married men say the same thing. I believed it to be this 'cosmic' connection and that we couldn't help ourselves. I wasted seven years waiting for him and at times was angry at his wife for taking his time away from me. I ended it and this was nearly twenty years ago. I don't recognise the person I was back then. I certainly don't have the same mindset and would never entertain anything of the sort now. But I can't explain it, I really am a nice person with great family and friends but I truly didn't give a toss about his wife and children at the time and was perfectly happy to tear a family apart. As I said, the present me can't fathom that type of behaviour but that's how I felt at the time.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 17:17

@CounsellorTroi

I ask again, how does saying it is reprehensible for a woman to knowingly sleep with a married man equate to excusing the man?
I answered this. Because it dilutes his responsibility and makes women responsible for men's lies and indiscretions. Nobody is responsible for a promise except the person who made it.

And because, as has been amply demonstrated on this thread, criticism of the man usually equates to a line or two about him being "responsible" before going into paragraphs and paragraphs of how the woman is scum, a lizard, a bitch, a heartless piece of work and other things so horrible that MNHQ deleted them.

This entire thread came from a question about the woman that didn't even mention the man.

You lot have been going on about "equal account", but there's nothing equal about it.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 01/08/2021 17:19

They are both equally to blame but to be fair some women love the attention of stealing some one else's man or maybe they can't attract a man that's already single so a married man is easier pickings.