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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 16:04

Also some women think that only men who are already taken are worth having.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/08/2021 16:05

wouldn't it be more appropriate to ask "how do you sleep at night if you are the cheating husband?"
The husband is the one in a relationship with his wife, who is breaking vows to be faithful.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 16:06

The person they're cheating with, why are they to be held to higher account?

Equal account, not higher. I don't accept that a woman who knowingly has an affair with a married man is not doing anything wrong.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 16:06

The person they're cheating with, why are they to be held to higher account?

They’re not being held to higher account, they’re being held to the same account.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:07

@CounsellorTroi

Also some women think that only men who are already taken are worth having.
So what? If the men chose to be faithful, the marriage remains intact. You can't stop anyone from being attracted to your husband.
DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:07

@Blossomtoes

The person they're cheating with, why are they to be held to higher account?

They’re not being held to higher account, they’re being held to the same account.

Which is a higher account, because they didn't sign the contract, make the promise or lie to their families every day.
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 16:11

wouldn't it be more appropriate to ask "how do you sleep at night if you are the cheating husband?"

I imagine it would be a short thread. I don't think many cheating husbands would bother to answer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:12

Blossomtoes and CounsellorTroi, the affair partner cannot be held to account at all; they have no part or interest in the marriage - that is between the two married people.

The married person who cheats is responsible. 100%.

Does it mean that cheating is acceptable? Not at all, it isn't. It is the married person's responsibility to NOT cheat. Why is that so difficult to understand?

The skew seems to be present because this is a board primarily composed of women who have to deal with the outfall of their cheating spouse - and they want somebody else to blame. It's understandable but it's unreasonable. The affair partner is undoubtedly selfish but it is not their responsibility to uphold yours/your partner's marriage vows. That's on him (assuming male partner), every time.

KarenofSparta · 01/08/2021 16:12

Interesting first post.

Got what you came for OP?

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 16:14

I completely disagree but nobody is going to change anybody else’s mind and this argument will continue to go round in circles. Have fun.

coffeeschmoffee · 01/08/2021 16:15

@Unfashionable

I was the OW many years ago, and the wife simply wasn’t my concern or my problem. I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my friend, I didn’t make any vows to her.

If she felt betrayed, it was by the person who did make vows to her, not by me.

This.

I've been the OW for 2 and a half years. I sleep just fine. He wont ever leave his wife. Its an arrangement that works well for both of us. His marriage, vows and family are on him. I don't know his wife from Adam.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:16

Most men expect other men to want to sleep with their wives. That doesn't mean they necessarily expect it to happen, but men do tend to realise that if they are attracted to their wife, other men are likely to be as well.

Women, however, often have this strange idea that other women should absolutely not be attracted to their husbands. That the immorality of an affair should itself be enough to kill the desire stone dead so that it doesn't even exist. OP and others have certainly suggested this.

I don’t really know what to take from this, but it's interesting. At all turns, in all guises, under so much sophistry, it still seems to be incomprehensible that women might like and enjoy sex even when they shouldn't.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:17

@Blossomtoes

I completely disagree but nobody is going to change anybody else’s mind and this argument will continue to go round in circles. Have fun.
Solid response.
coffeeschmoffee · 01/08/2021 16:19

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Blossomtoes and CounsellorTroi, the affair partner cannot be held to account at all; they have no part or interest in the marriage - that is between the two married people.

The married person who cheats is responsible. 100%.

Does it mean that cheating is acceptable? Not at all, it isn't. It is the married person's responsibility to NOT cheat. Why is that so difficult to understand?

The skew seems to be present because this is a board primarily composed of women who have to deal with the outfall of their cheating spouse - and they want somebody else to blame. It's understandable but it's unreasonable. The affair partner is undoubtedly selfish but it is not their responsibility to uphold yours/your partner's marriage vows. That's on him (assuming male partner), every time.

Exactly this. I am not cheating on anyone. And if he wasnt cheating with me, he'd be doing it with someone else.
ufucoffee · 01/08/2021 16:24

@Unfashionable I was the OW many years ago, and the wife simply wasn’t my concern or my problem. I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my friend, I didn’t make any vows to her. If she felt betrayed, it was by the person who did make vows to her, not by me.

You didn't care about the hurt or pain that his wife would feel when she found out? You sound like a cold hearted, nasty piece of work.

SueSaid · 01/08/2021 16:26

'That’s complete nonsense. Nobody can cheat by themselves'

I said the cheater is always to blame. Absolutely doesn't matter how he/she cheats, whether they use escorts, online webcam sex sessions or have several partners. It is the deed that is cheating, the method is irrelevant tbh.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:27

Has anyone noticed that men are being described as "to blame" and "responsible", or maybe even "dickhead" if we're lucky....

....but women are being described as "utter scum", "thick, insecure lizards" and other names so awful that MNHQ isn't allowing the posts to stand?

TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 16:30

It is absolutely the fault of the cheating spouse.

But you would have to be rather pitiful to know the man you're living a half life with is a cheat and find that acceptable.

I'm sure there are women that can justify to themselves the reason they've entered into and accept these arrangements, but I can't help thinking that they're kidding themselves.

onelittlefrog · 01/08/2021 16:33

I've never really understood why people so often blame the "other" when it's the married person who is cheating.

SueSaid · 01/08/2021 16:33

'But you would have to be rather pitiful to know the man you're living a half life with is a cheat and find that acceptable.'

But men and women can tell all kinds of tales to make them sound victims. I'm not and never have been the other person but would not judge anyone who was. I'd judge the person in the relationship always.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:34

@TSSDNCOP

It is absolutely the fault of the cheating spouse.

But you would have to be rather pitiful to know the man you're living a half life with is a cheat and find that acceptable.

I'm sure there are women that can justify to themselves the reason they've entered into and accept these arrangements, but I can't help thinking that they're kidding themselves.

Well, then I guess they are inherently punished by the act of having the affair (why can sex never be fully enjoyable and without consequence for women?) and nobody has to worry about any other form of....karma.

Why are the men not also pitiful and deluded?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:34

Yes, DrSbaitso, I notice this all the time. I think it's because they are humiliated (by their husband) yet still need some capacity to forgive so they take that need for applying blame and lob it towards the affair partner that their husband cheated with. All that anger and contempt they cannot bear to put on their husbands (which they rightly should) but it has to go somewhere - so onto the OW it goes.

Perhaps it's the other side of the coin? Affair partner has no responsibility but they also have no affection from the cheated on spouse so all of the ire is levied at them.

It must be so, so difficult as a cheated on spouse to do the mental gymnastics necessary to keep going in the marriage when you know, 100% that your partner cannot be trusted - and they've proved it to you.

onelittlefrog · 01/08/2021 16:35

Sometimes married people who are lying to their spouses are also lying to their "others".

I've known someone date a married man, completely unaware that he was married, and then get the blame from both sides when she fell in love with him.

Direct your anger at the person who has broken their marriage vows.

BakewellGin1 · 01/08/2021 16:36

So in my mind

The man made the vows therefore is definately in the wrong 100%

If a woman knowingly is the other woman then I feel they lack in self respect, morals and generally are not a nice person - no they may not make vows to the wife or so on. But to knowingly get involved with a married man is disgusting behaviour.

If the OW has been led to believe that the man is single etc etc then no it is not her fault.

However OP, the fact she says I know you have a wife and kids but.... Makes her a complete bitch in my eyes.

Not a chance I would ever lower myself to being the OW as I have respect for others and would not knowingly be involved with someone's husband and be part of breaking up a family.

Personally I met a man, who said he was single, gave me his number etc. Found out he wasn't actually single... Didn't see me for dust. Not a chance would I want to be involved with someone like that.

bowchicawowwow · 01/08/2021 16:38

I think they are both a pair of assholes.

I was unwittingly the OW many years ago. I called it a day within about 48hrs of finding out. There was one brief moment during that 48hrs when I thought it was a bit different and exciting for me to be the OW rather than the person being cheated upon for a change and in my fucked up state I thought it was almost a compliment. I can see how some people choose to carry on. I couldn't - I felt like I'd let myself down by carrying on knowing what I now knew and couldn't be complicit in that level of hurt.