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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
randomwomen · 01/08/2021 17:21

@DrSbaitso

Has anyone noticed that men are being described as "to blame" and "responsible", or maybe even "dickhead" if we're lucky....

....but women are being described as "utter scum", "thick, insecure lizards" and other names so awful that MNHQ isn't allowing the posts to stand?

Yup, that's misogyny in action.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 17:23

@Ilovegreentomatoes

They are both equally to blame but to be fair some women love the attention of stealing some one else's man or maybe they can't attract a man that's already single so a married man is easier pickings.
All hail these powerful OW who can steal away these faithful, wife-loving men with their wiles and charms...

Far from being unable to attract a single man, they are so awesome that they are able to STEAL yours.

=====

If you honestly believe the claptrap you wrote then you must also believe the nonsense above. Very silly.

Polmuggle · 01/08/2021 17:25

@Ilovegreentomatoes

They are both equally to blame but to be fair some women love the attention of stealing some one else's man or maybe they can't attract a man that's already single so a married man is easier pickings.
If a married man is 'easier pickings' than one who's single, he's not very good at being married is he!
DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 17:26

Yup, that's misogyny in action.

And compounded by the stubborn insistence upon the right to blame women, as if that isn't the overwhelming default anyway.

If you think a cheating man is a shit, what more needs to be said?

I'm starting to think that there's a (prominent) group of women who don't trust their husbands and can't think of any way to stop them straying (there isn't one, they have to want to be faithful), so all they can think of is to hammer women endlessly about what irredeemably sinful and terrible humans they would be if they had an affair with him.

Insulting to both men and women, though much more harmful to the latter. And futile. It dilutes pressure on men to be faithful, since they'll get barely a fraction of the castigation, and a woman who has decided to embark on an affair isn't likely to be dissuaded by Internet strangers abusing her and calling her names.

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 17:29

"Do you think cheating husbands....treat women as little more than bit-parts in their pitiful self-centred universe?"

I honestly think this is what the discussion should really be about men who have affairs. I really do think that underlying it is the fact that they view women as not quite as fully human as themselves and so use women as unwitting actors in the play they want for their own life.

m0therofdragons · 01/08/2021 17:30

Mn seems to think affairs are all about the one in the married relationship because that’s who made wedding vows. I personally have no time for any woman who’d behave like this - if someone is married you do not go there. Why would you want to be with someone you clearly can’t trust? Ow are pathetic and usually sadly low in self esteem hoping to “win” the man.

WaltzingTilda · 01/08/2021 17:31

I am not an 'other woman ' and never have been, but I know someone who was (she eventually married that man) . One day she said to me " he is clearly not happy with his wife, so if it is not me it will be someone else, so it may as well be me " Hmm

affor · 01/08/2021 17:33

Ow are pathetic and usually sadly low in self esteem hoping to “win” the man

What sample size are you basing that on? Seriously - how many OW do you know well and did they all meet that description?

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 17:34

if someone is married you do not go there

Why isn't this aimed at the married MAN. He is married, he certainly shouldn't have gone there. No-one made him. He did it willingly and enthusiastically.

Applesonthelawn · 01/08/2021 17:36

I would not want the type of woman who would knowingly do this as my friend. But the fact remains that if your husband cheats, you are misdirecting valuable emotional energy to focus on the OW, and only risk turning it into a competition by doing so. Focus on the marriage and the husband, whether you are fixing it or walking away, for your own good.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 17:39

I answered this. Because it dilutes his responsibility and makes women responsible for men's lies and indiscretions. Nobody is responsible for a promise except the person who made it.

Both parties are responsible if an extra marital affair happens. There is no getting around that.

viviennedoesitagain · 01/08/2021 17:40

@WaltzingTilda

I am not an 'other woman ' and never have been, but I know someone who was (she eventually married that man) . One day she said to me " he is clearly not happy with his wife, so if it is not me it will be someone else, so it may as well be me " Hmm
It's so true though. Too many women after marriage think their work is done and get dull and boring. No man cheats on an interesting woman.

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it.

bonfireheart · 01/08/2021 17:42

Not quite the same thing but I had a male friend from uni message me after years on Facebook. We had a few very boring messages catching up, told me about his kids and his wife, he sounded so in love. She knew he had messaged me. Then a few days later I get messages from his wife. She admits that he told her he was going to message me but now she wanted to know from me what was going on between us. A big fat nothing. Trying to explain to married that not all single women are after their tedious husbands is annoying and not the first time I've had to do it. I am happily single. Married women need to realise their husbands are not the catch they think they are - especially if they can and do cheat.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 17:43

@otherwoman1234

Name changed for this, obvs.

I was the OW for nearly 8 years.

  • I was young and naive
  • I fell in love with him
  • I'd never felt a connection like it before
  • I never made any vows
  • he told me he was miserable in his relationship
  • I knew I never wanted to break the marriage up, or be the cause of it
  • broke it off when he wanted to leave his wife for me
  • the most painful years of my life.
I can’t get my head round this at all. If it was all so painful, why carry on with it for eight years? And if it was a connection like no other, why break it off when the cheating bastard wanted to leave his wife for you? It makes absolutely no sense.
randomwomen · 01/08/2021 17:45

No man cheats on an interesting woman

What absolute bollocks. Look, if you are going to have affairs with married men, own what you are doing rather than trying to blame the wife.
Because doing so is just as much made up bollocks as blaming the OW for luring the husband away.
The moral of this thread should be everyone needs to Own. Their. Shit.

Dentistlakes · 01/08/2021 17:49

Clearly the husband is the one who is responsible for his actions and the resulting impact on his wife and family. The OW has no loyalty towards his wife, but in the end does have to live with her actions. Personally, I couldn’t do it and love with myself knowing I had been complicit in the destruction of someone’s relationship. That said, if a man is a cheater he’ll cheat, no matter who it with. The OW is simply a vehicle for him the get what he wants, nothing more, nothing less. If they do stay together she will likely meet the same fate and if not, it will always be at the back of her mind that one day it will happen to her. I reckon that’s punishment enough.

Applesonthelawn · 01/08/2021 17:50

No man cheats on an interesting woman.

That may be true, but definitely men do cheat with women who are far less interesting/attractive/intelligent etc than their own wives. Every bloody time.

m0therofdragons · 01/08/2021 17:51

@affor this is my experience of ow in late 30s early 40s. No confident woman with self respect would be happy with getting someone else’s seconds or knowingly choose to date a cheater.

TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 17:51

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it.

Did you write that with a straight face? Either you're deeply ironic and unfunny or deeply deluded and rather unpleasant,

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 17:52

@CounsellorTroi

I answered this. Because it dilutes his responsibility and makes women responsible for men's lies and indiscretions. Nobody is responsible for a promise except the person who made it.

Both parties are responsible if an extra marital affair happens. There is no getting around that.

No, they are not. If you promise to buy your child a lollipop, I'm not responsible for that promise. Not even if I stop you in the shop and try to persuade you to buy a bag of humbugs instead. You made the promise. It's on you to keep it.

Stop trying to make women in any way responsible for shitty men. Your intimate personal promises and contracts are on you.

Applesonthelawn · 01/08/2021 17:53

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it.
That's one of the most deluded things I've ever read on mumsnet, and I'm someone who didn't marry until I was 53!

eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 17:55

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it.

oi! I am married and I am still hot and fun 😂

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 17:56

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.

affor · 01/08/2021 18:01

[quote m0therofdragons]@affor this is my experience of ow in late 30s early 40s. No confident woman with self respect would be happy with getting someone else’s seconds or knowingly choose to date a cheater.[/quote]
But of how many?

Whenever these threads happen, you get loads of posters saying they know of one or more OW who said x,y,z which always fits the stereotype of they didn't care, just wanted to win etc.

But most of the OW who post disagree with that stereotype.

I don't thing the OW trope of young/stupid/evil/deluded/low self esteem is helpful to anyone.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 18:01

No, they are not. If you promise to buy your child a lollipop, I'm not responsible for that promise. Not even if I stop you in the shop and try to persuade you to buy a bag of humbugs instead. You made the promise. It's on you to keep it.

I was talking about responsibility for actions, not promises.

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