Page 7 | AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 2021-08-01T11:21:07+00:00

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me” It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/08/2021 15:45

You don't have to be a 'very nasty woman's to involve yourself with someone who is married. I've never been the other woman (knowingly) but thinking back how besotted and in love I thought I was with past exs I think if one told me they were married but wanted me instead I'd probably believed them.

Unfashionable · 01/08/2021 15:46

I was the OW many years ago, and the wife simply wasn’t my concern or my problem. I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my friend, I didn’t make any vows to her.

If she felt betrayed, it was by the person who did make vows to her, not by me.

Notmoresugar · 01/08/2021 15:49

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 15:49

Blossomtoes you'd accept being a wife who didn't mind her husband trying it on with goodness knows how many women who didn't want to go there? Wow!

I don't think you're on your own, there seem to be quite a few women in faithful marriages only because the husband's advances to women are rebuffed.

As always, it's every woman's responsibility to keep married men faithful. Never down to the man to respect and honour the vows he made to the woman he was supposed to be faithful to.

No wonder some men feel entitled to treat their spouses like this when they get the 'green light' that it's because they're weak/can't help it/whatever bollocks excuse they can get away with.

wookneecorn · 01/08/2021 15:50

KittytheHare Sun 01-Aug-21 13:15:05
“I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child

So how many children does your cousin have? You sound confused.

this

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 15:50

Affairs are very common. Maybe they shouldn't be, but they are. I think about half of all people have had one or something? Stats are high.

That's a lot of people to dismiss as irredeemably evil.

Some people who have affairs are indeed awful. It's my opinion that most aren't. It's a wrong thing to do, always. I don't think it's always a sign of someone with no good in them at all.

Which is not to say that anyone has to put up with it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 15:51

Notmoresugar, what a name to refer to another woman as. Disgusting.

TwinsetBeck · 01/08/2021 15:53

Ultimately, it’s the husband who has the commitment to the family so he is to blame/ responsible but any woman who knowingly has a relationship with a married man is utter scum in my book. If he’s not happy he could just leave he doesn’t have to betray and humiliate his wife. He’s not to weak to resist temptation, he’s selfish and unkind.

As for the other women, I would not want anything to do with a woman if I knew that that was her standard of behaviour. It’s about your morals in the end. Purposely causing others pain is a shitty thing to do. As for women who do this with men who have kids- I hope there is a special place in hell for them.

I think it’s fitting that when these men leave their wives for the other women that the caliber of woman they end up with is more their level- an utter skank.

Fireandflames666 · 01/08/2021 15:53

Both parties are just as bad as each other. How anyone can fall for the "we don't sleep together", "process of separating", "wife is crazy" nonsense is beyond me.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 15:53

I don't think you're on your own, there seem to be quite a few women in faithful marriages only because the husband's advances to women are rebuffed

Wow, that’s a hell of a leap! How would anyone know their husband makes advances only to be rebuffed? I’m just not buying that one half of an adulterous affair is blameless.

SW1amp · 01/08/2021 15:54

@Unfashionable

I was the OW many years ago, and the wife simply wasn’t my concern or my problem. I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my friend, I didn’t make any vows to her.

If she felt betrayed, it was by the person who did make vows to her, not by me.

You weren’t at all concerned that you were potentially hurting another woman? You weren’t concerned that you were party to massive pain? Because you didn’t know her, you didn’t care at all?

That is a textbook psychopathic attitude

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 15:54

I don't understand how holding a woman responsible for sleeping with a married man means you think the man is completely blameless? I don't think anyone actually thinks that,.

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 15:55

@DrSbaitso

Oh, the getaway car. He still robbed the bank by himself. It didn't matter who the getaway car driver was once he'd robbed the bank.

It's such a shit analogy. A better one is that he's a bank employee and he's got keys to the vault, and he's signed a contract saying he won't take anyone down to it. Then he takes someone down to it. You can insist that the person he tool is equally to blame, but she isn't employed by the bank, didn't sign the contract not to go and, crucially, couldn't have got in without him as she didn't have the keys.

But what bank would want to employ him anyway, knowing he was willing to take someone to the vault whether they agreed or not?

This is brilliant and accurate!

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 15:57

@Fireandflames666

Both parties are just as bad as each other. How anyone can fall for the "we don't sleep together", "process of separating", "wife is crazy" nonsense is beyond me.

I did. I was 22 years old and very naive.
I'm 38 now and would run a country mile at lines such as this. We live and learn. That's life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 15:57

@Blossomtoes

I don't think you're on your own, there seem to be quite a few women in faithful marriages only because the husband's advances to women are rebuffed

Wow, that’s a hell of a leap! How would anyone know their husband makes advances only to be rebuffed? I’m just not buying that one half of an adulterous affair is blameless.

It's not a leap - this is what you said "... but if they all said no technically he wouldn’t be cheating.

I inferred from that that if they (the women) said no, he (the husband) wouldn't be cheating. Did I misunderstand?

I suppose he wouldn't be cheating (technically) but only because he couldn't find a willing person to cheat with. So not faithful because he respected his wife, just that nobody else wanted him.

I wouldn't want a partner who was faithful to me on that basis, I'd want them to be with me (and only me) because that's what they wanted.

There's a recurrent theme on this board that men can be 'stolen' that other women are 'taking them away'. It's just not possible. Somebody who doesn't want to, just won't. It's that simple.

username18702 · 01/08/2021 15:58

I have known women who deliberately choose married men for a number of reasons. What they all have in common is that they either don't care that he is married so aren't losing any sleep over it or get a kick out of splitting up the family as it shows he's picked her over them. Either way, they don't really care.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 15:58

How about another analogy. You accept something from someone as a gift though you know they stole it from someone else. YOU didn't steal it right, so what's the problem?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:00

@CounsellorTroi

I don't understand how holding a woman responsible for sleeping with a married man means you think the man is completely blameless? I don't think anyone actually thinks that,.

It dilutes his responsibility. 99% of the time, it's about giving a moment of lip service to him so you can get on with vilifying the woman. Like OP.

It makes women responsible for men's commitments. It makes them responsible for men's sexual indiscretions.

When you make a promise to someone, you are 100% responsible for it. Who else can be? And if you keep that promise, it doesn't matter if a woman runs towards you naked. Your commitment is sound.

I am not responsible for any man's morals or behaviour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:01

SW1amp
That is a textbook psychopathic attitude

No, it isn't but if it were, it would be markedly amplified for the married person, wouldn't it?

The fact is, a married person cheating has no regard, care or love for their spouse. If they did, they wouldn't cheat.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:01

@CounsellorTroi

How about another analogy. You accept something from someone as a gift though you know they stole it from someone else. YOU didn't steal it right, so what's the problem?

Another terrible analogy. The laws of theft bind us all. The promise of one person to another regarding intimacy does not.

Unless you think sexual indiscretion should be a matter for the state to police, like theft?

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 16:02

I am not responsible for any man's morals or behaviour.

But if you are responsible for your own morals or behaviour you won't facilitate cheating.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 16:03

@username18702

I have known women who deliberately choose married men for a number of reasons. What they all have in common is that they either don't care that he is married so aren't losing any sleep over it or get a kick out of splitting up the family as it shows he's picked her over them. Either way, they don't really care.

Or.. their self esteem is so low that they deliberately put themselves in situations where they are "second" to an existing family. A self fulfilling prophecy - I don't value myself or my own worth so I will make sure I'm always second best. Sad, but true. I have a friend who is this woman.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 16:03

@username18702

I have known women who deliberately choose married men for a number of reasons. What they all have in common is that they either don't care that he is married so aren't losing any sleep over it or get a kick out of splitting up the family as it shows he's picked her over them. Either way, they don't really care.

100% of the time, it's the married person who is actively choosing to take risks that will split up their family. They don't care.

The person they're cheating with, why are they to be held to higher account? It is always just lip-service when posters rush in to say, "Oh well he's awful too but.... the OW has no morals".

CaptSkippy · 01/08/2021 16:04

Anyone who makes an argument like: "Yes, I know he made vows/promises to be faithful, but....."

You can stop right there. You clearly do blame the other woman who may or may not have known he was taken.

A woman who knowingly sleeps with a married men likely has self-esteem issues as posts on this thread seem to indicate. I would say the same thing of the wife who points the finger at her while finding any excuse to stay with her shit husband who plays both women for fools.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 16:04

@CounsellorTroi

I am not responsible for any man's morals or behaviour.

But if you are responsible for your own morals or behaviour you won't facilitate cheating.

I wouldn't, no. But I won't blame a woman for a man who does. And it's certainly easier, and more logical, to ask one person to guard their personal promise to you than half the world's population.