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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 18:02

@Blossomtoes

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.
It would appear so.
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/08/2021 18:03

@Blossomtoes

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.
Can't speak for everyone of course, but I have no interest in the sex lives of my grown up dc Confused bit of a weird comment there.
coffeeschmoffee · 01/08/2021 18:05

From my experience, from the cheating husband's pov what mattered to him wasn't that the OW was more / less attractive or intelligent than his wife but the fact that she had more time and energy for him. The OW made him feel special and wanted and that, understandably, didn't happen so much in his day to day busy family life. I think it was more about male ego than anything else.

otherwoman1234 · 01/08/2021 18:11

@Blossomtoes

I can’t get my head round this at all. If it was all so painful, why carry on with it for eight years? And if it was a connection like no other, why break it off when the cheating bastard wanted to leave his wife for you? It makes absolutely no sense.

Because I was in love with him. I had never felt like I did when I was with him. I broke it off because I pictured myself being his wife and knew that he could do the same to me. I wasn't willing to risk breaking up a family when I wasn't 100% sure (he cheated on me too). I then met someone else who showed me what a real relationship looked like.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 18:11

Can't speak for everyone of course, but I have no interest in the sex lives of my grown up dc bit of a weird comment there.

Why is it weird? We teach our kids moral values, don’t we? It’s part of being a parent.

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 18:15

I'm sure most people would be very disappointed in their daughter if they found she had been seeing a married man. They wouldn't be saying "you have fun girl, the fact he's married is nothing to do with you".

feellikeanalien · 01/08/2021 18:56

I think there is a real divergence of views on this subject and that some people's view is that both the husband and the OW are equally responsible for the affair hence the responses from some PPs who don't feel the same.

I blame my ex-h totally for what he did, but I also think that when you first discover an affair then, if you still love your husband, it is quite natural to try and find someone else to blame. Mentally it's really hard to process that someone you love can behave like that. As time goes on you realise that he can't have loved you that much if he did what he did so you realise that the fact he was prepared to cheat and lie is on him. Sometimes this takes a while to sink in.

Having said that I have no respect for the OW but equally I would have no respect for a man who got involved with a married woman. She used to chat away to me in a very friendly way whilst all the time shagging my ex-h. She obviously didn't care if I was being hurt but that was clearly just who she was.

I don't think concentrating on the OW helps the healing process. It is hard not to but although it might seem to help in the beginning it is probably because you don't want to face up to what your H has done and try to understand why. I certainly did some things I cringe about now when I found out but at the end of the day I realised that my ex-h was a lying cheating dickhead who only thought of himself.

eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 19:03

@Blossomtoes

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.
more like to bear responsibility for your own actions and for your own couple.

No one cheats (man or woman) if they are in a truly happy relationship.

HalzTangz · 01/08/2021 19:10

I don't get why people who are clearly unhappy in their relationships that they go cheat, can't just do the decent thing and end the relationship before getting involved with someone else. Let's face it they know when they are found out that the cheating is going to hurt their partner/spouse massively

Comedycook · 01/08/2021 19:15

These threads are quite tedious. They probably sleep perfectly fine after being shagged all night by the other woman's husband. Sorry but it's true...

And before anyone asks I'm not and never have been the ow not have I been cheated on

HalzTangz · 01/08/2021 19:17

@Illogicalmadness

Tbh nobody is going to admit that they're the OW on mumsnet so YABU for asking the question.
I disagree, I have seen a few post the last couple of weeks posted by women who have said they are the OW
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 19:18

@Blossomtoes

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.
I'm bringing up mine to be respectful of people and, when they're a bit older, to be authentic in their relationships and not break other people's hearts.

I will NOT be indoctrinating them with the women-hating attitude of some on this thread and they'll get the message that they will take responsibility for people they make a commitment to.

--

I can't agree with the posts that keep on about people having affairs with others who have commitments. It is those people who actually have the commitments who need to remember this.

However loudly posters keep trying to make other people responsible, nobody but the two people in the marriage have this responsibility and nor should anybody else be made to pick up that mantel.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 19:19

@CounsellorTroi

No, they are not. If you promise to buy your child a lollipop, I'm not responsible for that promise. Not even if I stop you in the shop and try to persuade you to buy a bag of humbugs instead. You made the promise. It's on you to keep it.

I was talking about responsibility for actions, not promises.

The action can't be divorced (ha ha) from the promise. It's the promise that makes the action illicit. The man promised not to do the action. And the OW made no promise. And I made no promise about lollipops. I'm not responsible if you were too weak and stupid to remember you promised a lollipop after I told you to get humbugs. Maybe I'm a horrible person for trying it but you made the promise. Why should your child come after me?

In short: I am not responsible for your marriage. If your husband lies to you and breaks his contract with you, blame him and him alone. What, you're going to hold half the world's population beholden to your husband's promise?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 19:24

@Blossomtoes

So are we bringing our kids up now to think that it’s absolutely fine to have affairs with people who are committed to someone else? Because they obviously bear no responsibility for doing so.
No, we are bringing them up to take responsibility for their own commitments. That's all it takes to maintain fidelity.

And also not try to dilute blame if they fail their personal commitments because that is craven and unworthy.

And to have the strength to end relationships if they aren't happy and recognise what a healthy relationship looks like. Which they are more likely to manage if they hold their partners responsible for what they do, and not the rest of the world.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 19:36

So the answer to my question is obviously yes, that kids are being taught that if you’re single and uncommitted anyone’s fair game, regardless of whether they’re committed to someone else.

I’m very glad I’m old enough to have given my now middle aged son a moral compass. He and most of his friendship group have called time on a 30 year friendship because one of them decided losing his dad gave him a free pass to make a move on another guy’s wife. None of this single people aren’t blameless in their eyes, they blame him big time.

Rosebel · 01/08/2021 19:42

How does the cheating man sleep at night? Why is it always the woman who gets the blame?
I'm not the OW by the way, never have been. I have been cheated on though by my ex. I didn't blame her because she wasn't in a relationship with me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 19:42

Nobody said that, Blossomtoes. I'm starting to think that you can't comprehend what other posters are saying nor see beyond your own very narrow, blinkered viewpoint.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 19:48

@Blossomtoes

So the answer to my question is obviously yes, that kids are being taught that if you’re single and uncommitted anyone’s fair game, regardless of whether they’re committed to someone else.

I’m very glad I’m old enough to have given my now middle aged son a moral compass. He and most of his friendship group have called time on a 30 year friendship because one of them decided losing his dad gave him a free pass to make a move on another guy’s wife. None of this single people aren’t blameless in their eyes, they blame him big time.

No, you are making intellectually dishonest leaps of illogic in your determination to blame women when men stray. Wow, you lot really want to keep that blade in the feminine side, don't you?

Holding a man entirely responsible for his own promises and commitments does not mean encouraging people to sleep with married men. ("If you let the barber cut your hair, next thing you know he'll be lopping off your ears!") It is of course dishonourable to sleep with married people and you shouldn't do it.

But when a man breaks a promise to his wife, it is still on him. The OW has not behaved with grace but she is not responsible for his promise. I'm not being my best self when I tell the Counsellor to buy humbugs instead of the promised lollipop, but ultimately I can't make her buy them. I can only tempt her.

And if she is honourable to her promises - which she is more likely to be if she understands herself to be entirely responsible for them, and knows that's how others will see it too - then she will buy the lollipop anyway. Even though evil old me told her not to.

You are playing into the hands of every shitty adulterer by suggesting that they are only 50% responsible for their own actions and promises. You are perpetuating an ancient misogyny that holds women responsible for men's sexual conduct. You are, in fact, holding me responsible for your marriage and what your husband told you, and I reject that entirely.

eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 19:52

I’m very glad I’m old enough to have given my now middle aged son a moral compass. He and most of his friendship group have called time on a 30 year friendship because one of them decided losing his dad gave him a free pass to make a move on another guy’s wife. None of this single people aren’t blameless in their eyes, they blame him big time.

yeah right...
that's a lot of information for a middle-aged man to tell his mum for a start.

momager1 · 01/08/2021 19:56

I was an unwitting other woman. His name was Ken. I was the manager of a restaurant and he came in every day. I fell hard . He told me he was divorced. After 4 months i was confused why i could not spend a night at his house (he said he was renting with several guys..but basically a houseshare.) i told him that did not matter..i would like to spend a night at his for a change.. he made every excuse in the book so i went PI mode. YEP married with 2 kids. I called her...talked to her and told her how very sorry I was. Then I blocked him. She divorced him and tried to get in touch with me thru the restaurant. I just told him to jog on. SCREW that SHIT. I am not a woman that would EVER sleep with a married man. I felt sorry for his wife and told her if she needed me in court .. I would be right There

momager1 · 01/08/2021 20:02

SORRY He tried to get in touch with me thru the restaurant. Not his wife. She was a lovely lady and is now a facebook friend although we really do not communicate other than like a post once in a while

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:04

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Nobody said that, Blossomtoes. I'm starting to think that you can't comprehend what other posters are saying nor see beyond your own very narrow, blinkered viewpoint.
I can completely comprehend what you’re saying. My viewpoint is neither narrow nor blinkered, it’s different to yours.
Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:08

@eightyfourandahalf

I’m very glad I’m old enough to have given my now middle aged son a moral compass. He and most of his friendship group have called time on a 30 year friendship because one of them decided losing his dad gave him a free pass to make a move on another guy’s wife. None of this single people aren’t blameless in their eyes, they blame him big time.

yeah right...
that's a lot of information for a middle-aged man to tell his mum for a start.

Is it? That’s what happens when you’re a friend as well as a parent to your adult children and you discuss what’s going on in one another’s lives.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 20:09

You state that posters have said things which they haven't. That is dishonest and annoying, Blossomtoes. I'm fine with a difference of opinion, even the one that you hold, but I'm not ok with your disingenuous comments and I'm not the only one to pick you up on this.

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 20:09

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it

This is actually quite a sad comment from @viviennedoesitagain. Its really a tacit admission that she makes herself into a one-dimensional character for a married man. Light, easy and 'no drama' for a man who actively does not want to date a full human being.