People talking to you in public

[Mummybasketball]

I was eating a breakfast by myself, head buried in my phone and someone comes up to talk to me as e cafe had been done over and looking posh.

Aibu by thinking he’s a rude one?

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

Quite. So you're saying refusing to be vaccinated and therefore potentially spreading a virus and refusing a short conversation in a café with a stranger are equally selfish acts?

Lol....No. Nice try though.

Neither are selfish acts. I just think it’s odd that all these greater good, community minded people have such an issue having a conversation with someone.

Ok, so just to clarify, you weren't trying to say people who think we should all be vaccinated to help end a global pandemic are hypocrites if they don't also talk to random men in cafés. Definitely not.

Love its yorkshire that's what we do. I talk to people all time

I’m Yorkshire too - there’s a time and a place for it though. If I’m sat minding my business eating breakfast scrolling through my phone I don’t want talking to. I think most would be able to tell that from my body language, the issue is those that ignore it and still force conversation on you.

'Mountain out of a molehill' springs to mind.

Is small talk now rude?

Your options to this 60-year-old man who really didn't sound like he was chatting you up btw with his one line about a bloody Morrison's cafe refurb looking posh, is to ignore and continue burying your face in your phone or respond if you wish.

@lap90

'Mountain out of a molehill' springs to mind.

Is small talk now rude?

Your options to this 60-year-old man who really didn't sound like he was chatting you up btw with his one line about a bloody Morrison's cafe refurb looking posh, is to ignore and continue burying your face in your phone or respond if you wish.

Yes, small talk is rude if you ignore all the signs such as doing something else, no eye contact etc.

I think most would be able to tell that from my body language, the issue is those that ignore it and still force conversation on you.

Exactly. Some are quick to call OP self-absorbed for wanting to eat and be on her phone while seemingly giving a random stranger a pass on evident body language suggesting OP is occupied and doesn’t want to be bothered.

Way to much drama over something that most people wouldn’t give another thought to. I don’t know how some people get through each day.

This is Mumsnet’s AIBU. A good chunk of it is things like this so..

maybe he thought it was chatty wednesdays like what they had in fleabag.
i'd be irked though. which is why i wear my headphones even though there isn't any music on.

although if i'm feeling chatty then ignore the above.

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

But in all honesty, if you don’t want to talk, just don’t. Either say it politely ‘sorry, I’m busy’ or just ignore if you want to. Way to much drama over something that most people wouldn’t give another thought to. I don’t know how some people get through each day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely. One sentence, polite but firm if needed. Easy peasy

Oh my good god, why didn't you call the police - a stranger dared speak to a lone woman!

FFS someone was trying to be nice, spark up a conversation.

@Mantlemoose

Oh my good god, why didn't you call the police - a stranger dared speak to a lone woman!

FFS someone was trying to be nice, spark up a conversation.

Because Police would probs want a chat too😂

I can see both sides of this. In the situation you describe, I think it's a bit odd that somer comments you about the decor.
I come from London and never spoke to strangers, to the point where you'd see the same people on the platform waiting for the 7.25 to London Bridge every morning for three years and never speak to them, until one day it was cancelled and you all moaned/discussed whether to change at Clapham Jct etc. Then next day, no eye contact again. That kind of thing. But. I moved to a friendly village where people say hello to strangers in the street and now if I go back to London I talk to randomers on the bus! On the train platform! And yiu know what? They're friendly back! I wouldn't try to talk to someone reading a book or whatever, but mostly, people seem happy to have a short, friendly chat. People are just the same all over - maybe struggling, feeling tired, or lonely in the city. Maybe it's me that's changed in that I never reached out to them before.

Maybe he lives alone and just wanted to have a few moments conversation with someone. It might be a bit annoying but unless people are creepy or horrible, I try and be friendly.

@bumblenbean

I’m struggling to see what is offensive or intrusive about a passing remark about the cafe having a makeover. If he’d pulled up a chair and sat at her table, made a personal comment, tried to force a whole conversation- yes absolutely rude. But in the circumstances described it just sounds like an attempt to pass the time with a random and inoffensive comment; you know, just the kind of chit chat that people make because we’re social creatures and a smile and a remark about the setting is perfectly normal.

Spoken like someone who has never been hounded/ harassed/ goaded/ hit on by men. Thing is, it's never 'just a passing comment' with some men. Once the women they have targeted has responded, they assume it's a free-for-all, and she will be happy to continue chatting. Then the man in question can get huffy and offended, and in some cases, quite aggressive, if she doesn't want to continue being his chat-buddy for as long as he requires it!

I have actually witnessed men trying to spark a conversation with a woman, and when she has just ignored him, he has called her an 'ignorant cow,' and a 'miserable bitch' when she is out of earshot. All because she had the TEMERITY to not want to make conversation with him! As has been said many times, no man is OWED a woman's attention, and also no man would behave this way with another man.

@Lulola

Love its yorkshire that's what we do. I talk to people all time...

I’m Yorkshire too - there’s a time and a place for it though. If I’m sat minding my business eating breakfast scrolling through my phone I don’t want talking to. I think most would be able to tell that from my body language, the issue is those that ignore it and still force conversation on you.

This. I am also a Yorkshire lass, and no way is it true that everyone just chats to everyone all the bloody time. ('eeeeee, we're right friendly uz northeners!' ) As you say - there's a time and a place!

@beigebrownblue

Unless it was sexist, I wouldn't mind.

Parts of the country are different. Particularly in and after Covid times I generally appreciate passing the time of day with fellow humans, as long as I'm not in a total rush, in which case I say.

Loneliness has increased in Covid. Not for nothing do the Samaritans put a motto on on train tickets

'small talk saves lives'.

I believe small talk is important. The person in question may not have spoken to someone all day. ('ve been in this position whilst home schooling or with small child).

As long as it is not offensive or sexist i don't mind this.

@OldTurtleNewShell

You must be joking. "Let random strangers monopolise your time with small talk or they might commit suicide" is a ridiculous take.

What about the mental health of the other person? The one who maybe gets half an hour a day to themselves between work and small children? And just needs that half an hour away from it all to wind down?

And who is then expected to take responsibility for the mental health of whatever strange man approaches her?

Women aren't support animals for random men.

We have our own shit to deal with and we're well within our rights to say no to strange men if we don't want to spend time with them.

Completely agree with you turtle. And this 'you must talk or someone may commit suicide' rhetoric is horrific. And like 'being nice' and #bekind is aimed almost exclusively at women and girls.

Reminds me of this MASH sketch
www.bing.com/videos/search?q=mash+report+northerner+in+london&docid=607988595535518287&mid=9629F8FBDB5AD29E86359629F8FBDB5AD29E8635&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

@AngryWhompingWillow I’m a woman in my
30s, of course I’ve been hit on / goaded (and in fact sexually assaulted) by men FFS. I completely agree that there are pervy/ pushy / rude men out there who hassle women. Unfortunately we all know that and we all know it to be the case. That doesn’t mean I interpret every single male making an off the cuff remark as sexual harassment

In your angry railing against someone who disagrees with you you’ve missed my point, and your assertion that ‘no man would behave like this with another man’ is in fact wrong, as has been stated by several posters (including me) who have observed the opposite. That might be your experience, but it’s not everyone’s. You don’t speak for all women, just as I don’t claim to. I gave my own opinion.

And by ‘behave this way’, you mean ‘dared to mention how the cafe they were in had had a makeover’? Yes, how outrageous.

On the whole, I don't mind someone making smalltalk with me in public..As pp have said, it could be through pure lonliness.
The only times it annoys me and I find it totally rude is when:

1. I've got my hands full tending to my DC (baby and a toddler).
2. I'm on the phone and the person can clearly SEE this!
3. Similarly, if I'm eating and have a mouth full of food.

Apart from those scenarios, I'm generally ok with it, but if I'm in a hurry or don't have time to stop for a chat I'd just say so.. "sorry if you'll excuse me, I'm rushing to an appointment or to catch a train".

My grandmother would talk to ANYONE with ears. She used to talk to people on bus atop, in bua, in cafe, in lifts, in waiting rooms, in parks, in shops and not just when queuing 😂
I inherited that.

One of the things I like about visiting England is that people can be so chatty and warm, at the bus stop for example.

But I once rode a long way on a London bus and the lady beside me just would not stop talking.

Way to much drama over something that most people wouldn’t give another thought to. I don’t know how some people get through each day.

I frequently wonder this - so much drama on here over the most trivial of things. I never realised just quite how odd some people are until I discovered MN.

I live in a nice friendly town and am happy to pass the time of day with strangers. But I wouldn't be excited to have my peace and quiet interrupted on one of my rare solo trips to a cafe.

(Or by one of the weird people on the bus that insist on telling you their life story).

@NiceGerbil

Women are not under an obligation to chat to random men who decide that they want s chat. Irrespective of what the woman is doing.

I'm surprised so many posters see it as something women should do!

This.

Why do some men think women are there for their amusement and entertainment?

I will always give this situation the benefit of the doubt. Lots of lonely people around and it really won’t emotionally scar me to be polite for five seconds.in fact an elderly lady said a similar thing to me yesterday about our Waitrose cafe. Maybe she was trying to entrap me, or maybe she was friendly and wanted some human contact.

I missed the 8/10 assessment, I see Samantha Brick is back on mumsnet.

':23SchrodingersImmigrant

SupermanWithTheGreyHair

But in all honesty, if you don’t want to talk, just don’t. Either say it politely ‘sorry, I’m busy’ or just ignore if you want to. Way to much drama over something that most people wouldn’t give another thought to. I don’t know how some people get through each day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely. One sentence, polite but firm if needed. Easy peasy'

In my long experience.

Telling s man who has decided to talk to you, even very politely, that you are not up for s chat.

Results in verbal the vast majority of the time and sometimes worse.

No. Majority of times it really doesn't. That's my experience