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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People talking to you in public

330 replies

Mummybasketball · 01/08/2021 01:10

I was eating a breakfast by myself, head buried in my phone and someone comes up to talk to me as e cafe had been done over and looking posh.

Aibu by thinking he’s a rude one?

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/08/2021 10:29

This is normal northern behaviour tbh.

EffOrf · 01/08/2021 10:31

Sounds like just someone making a passing comment, though difficult to tell from the OP, usually these sparse OP's are embellished further down the thread depending how it goes, hence anxious face appearing in a recent post.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/08/2021 10:31

What else did he say to you?

onelittlefrog · 01/08/2021 10:34

@phoenixrosehere

Why did she ask if he was the rude one then, presumably she did something rude to warrant the question ?

That makes no sense. As far as she has said she was sitting alone, looking at her phone, eating breakfast. She didn’t say anything to him nor made eye contact. He saw a woman sitting alone in a cafe and ASSUMED she was lonely and decided to chat to her. How is she the rude one? How can someone be rude who isn’t doing anything but sitting, eating, and minding their own business in what sounds like a seemingly empty cafe?

I don't think he necessarily assumed she was lonely??

Some people are making this out to be way more complicated than it is. He is simply an old guy who has noticed that the cafe's been refurbished, probably a local cafe he frequents, and so he made a comment on it.

He probably would have commented to whoever was in the cafe at the time!

Yes, maybe he's lacking a bit of self awareness and understanding of how that might come across to a single woman sitting alone, and he obviously won't have a clue about all the things OP is talking about around anxiety, lockdown etc. because he's not a mind reader. But Jesus Wept, he's not really done anything wrong.

OP is overreacting and could easily shut down the conversation politely and move on with her life.

Cooroo · 01/08/2021 10:36

I don't think this is about male entitlement or anything like that. It's about this miserable country with its shut off, isolated people. I wish I lived somewhere like Spain where more people seem to look outwards and interact in a cheerful way rather than always being suspicious of everyone.
Yes of course there are creepy people/men pushing it and if that happens I'll make it clear they should fuck off. Otherwise I'd rather enjoy random interactions with others than live my life shut off like so many here.

AnnaBellaCruella · 01/08/2021 10:37

@Cooroo

I don't think this is about male entitlement or anything like that. It's about this miserable country with its shut off, isolated people. I wish I lived somewhere like Spain where more people seem to look outwards and interact in a cheerful way rather than always being suspicious of everyone. Yes of course there are creepy people/men pushing it and if that happens I'll make it clear they should fuck off. Otherwise I'd rather enjoy random interactions with others than live my life shut off like so many here.
Absolutely
Coogee · 01/08/2021 10:38

It sounds like normal behaviour to me too.

It is interesting these 'nice and friendly' men don't pull this shit with other blokes or with older women.

I’ve left my husband in cafes and pubs and come back to find him engaged in conversations with complete strangers, usually other men but sometimes women.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/08/2021 10:41

What's with the comments about being 8/10 are we supposed to pretend that there aren't attractive people in the world ?

comebacksunshines · 01/08/2021 10:49

@phoenixrosehere

Why did she ask if he was the rude one then, presumably she did something rude to warrant the question ?

That makes no sense. As far as she has said she was sitting alone, looking at her phone, eating breakfast. She didn’t say anything to him nor made eye contact. He saw a woman sitting alone in a cafe and ASSUMED she was lonely and decided to chat to her. How is she the rude one? How can someone be rude who isn’t doing anything but sitting, eating, and minding their own business in what sounds like a seemingly empty cafe?

Aibu by thinking he’s a rude one? Ops AIBU. Why is she asking if he's the rude one. The question implies that she did something too. The op has stated she's felt anxious and isolated throughout Covid. Not all men are sexual predators, some are capable of being kind and considerate. Perhaps he picked up she was looking that way and was trying to be nice, have you considered that ? She doesn't have to engage, just politely shut down the conversation and he can move onto someone else that does. Not difficult.
Surlyburd · 01/08/2021 10:51

I hate this, some bloke sat opposite me on a train and even though i had a book out, went on and on and on..nothing worked to shut him up, i just continued reading and stopped responding after a while. It was a really long journey too.

milkyaqua · 01/08/2021 11:06

There are some older people (men and women) in my community who literally talk to everyone.

That's got a different energy, I think.

One great benefit of getting older is random comment man shuts the fuck up, and chancers don't bother chancing.

RLOU30 · 01/08/2021 11:17

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

What's with the comments about being 8/10 are we supposed to pretend that there aren't attractive people in the world ?
There are plenty of attractive people in the world but I’m sure they don’t feel the need to score themselves out of 10 every time someone talks to them. It made me laugh.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 11:17

On one hand everyone moans about lack of community feeling and how everyone is in for themselves only, on the other hand, god foebid someone (especially with penis) tries to have a short couple of sentence exchange.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/08/2021 11:19

I get that, but someone else said something along the lines of "I bet you're not"

VeganVeal · 01/08/2021 12:03

What a shit world this is going to become, so insular, so, so sad.

Still eventually everyone will become like this and you can all bury your head in you phone, ever talk to anyone and continue to complain about OLD

minatrina · 01/08/2021 12:04

@milkyaqua

It is interesting these 'nice and friendly' men don't pull this shit with other blokes or with older women.
Except that they definitely do! My husband gets into far more conversations with random people, usually older men but also older women, than I ever do, and I do get it often myself to begin with. Probably because he has a friendlier face than I do lol
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/08/2021 12:07

My husband too.

milkyaqua · 01/08/2021 12:15

Do your husbands bowl up to young women sitting on their own, reading a book, and force some interaction? It's a different dynamic to just being a chatty person, in my experience.

minatrina · 01/08/2021 12:22

@milkyaqua I'm a little confused as unless I've missed some drip feed comments, it's not quite clear what this man did that's so outrageous. Did he go and sit at her table or something? As far as I can tell he just made a comment on the new cafe and she didn't like that. What exactly constitutes "bowling up" to someone?

If you're asking if my husband might make a remark to a fellow customer about how the cafe looks, the answer would be yes. But as my husband and I are in our early 20s, perhaps OP wouldn't have minded so much as he's not a 60 year old man Shock

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 01/08/2021 12:22

Presuming this man wasn’t a creepy perv, I find it interesting that on so many threads about covid vaccinations, most people seem to talk about caring for others, that they’ve had the vaccine for the greater good, protecting 😀 people who are more at risk etc, yet there’s so many people on here who sound like they wouldn’t be very happy to even speak to others. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 01/08/2021 12:23

Not sure how that smiling emoji made it in there. 😬

comebacksunshines · 01/08/2021 12:27

@milkyaqua

Do your husbands bowl up to young women sitting on their own, reading a book, and force some interaction? It's a different dynamic to just being a chatty person, in my experience.
Oh yeah I remember being a hot 30 something and pensioners bowling up to me with that famous chat up line about the state of the Morrisons cafe. Totally different vibe to someone just being chatty Confused
user1497207191 · 01/08/2021 12:28

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

Presuming this man wasn’t a creepy perv, I find it interesting that on so many threads about covid vaccinations, most people seem to talk about caring for others, that they’ve had the vaccine for the greater good, protecting 😀 people who are more at risk etc, yet there’s so many people on here who sound like they wouldn’t be very happy to even speak to others. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Time and place!

People need to learn to read the signs and understand there's a time and a place.

As others have said, eye contact is the big marker as to whether someone is interested in chit chat or not.

If someone is head down, looking away, or whatever, leave them be, they don't want conversation for whatever reason.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 01/08/2021 13:09

I may want vulnerable people sitting near me on the train or passing in the supermarket to have long and happy lives but I don't want to talk to them all! What an odd link to make.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 01/08/2021 13:11

I may want vulnerable people sitting near me on the train or passing in the supermarket to have long and happy lives but I don't want to talk to them all! What an odd link to make.

It’s not odd at all. Just says that people don’t actually care less but like to tell others they’re selfish.