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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over not sharing bedroom with dsd

345 replies

Dustydolly · 31/07/2021 23:27

Don't know of I'm being a complete over reacting drama queen here or if my dp is being twatty disney dad.

10 year old Dsd has come to stay for 2 weeks, she shares a room here with her step sibling, has a bed with space for her belongings etc. But she has insisted on sleeping in a blow up bed in my and dps bedroom.

This has been happening quite a lot over the past couple of months, she's woken up in the night saying she's had a nightmare or doesn't feel too well and wants to get in our bed, personally I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with dsd so on these occasions I'll swap beds with her however tonight she has come and said she's staying in our room for the whole 2 weeks. I tried to talk to dp about this and said no, she should be sleeping in her bed and I'm not happy to sleep in a bottom bunk for 2 weeks, Well guess where I am because dsd got her way and dp has just ignored my feelings on it, I suppose it annoys me even more because if my ds (not his child) tries climbing in our bed or there's any mention of him sleeping anywhere but in his bed, in his room, dp throws a hissy fit and says absolutely not, he's in his bed and that's that.
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:08

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

Reply: "tough - she's going to learn to".

Coffeepot72 · 01/08/2021 09:08

@Frankola yes you are right, there is definitely a power thing going on here. If the 10yr old “wins” then god knows what the next demand will be

MeridianB · 01/08/2021 09:09

@Hegartyhell

You and DS sleep in your room and your DH and DSD can sleep un the bunk beds.
Her DS sleeps in a different room. DSD shares bunk beds with the OP’s 15 yo DD who is there half the time.

If DP and his DD moved into the bunk beds, OP’s DD could move into her brother’s room and he could move in with OP for two weeks.

Thehop · 01/08/2021 09:09

Not a bloody chance in hell would I stand for a man treating my child so vastly different to his own. I would honestly leave for that. Your poor son.

If she wants daddy, he sleeps on the floor next to her bed on an air bed. You do not give up your bed in your own home.

Willowtree999 · 01/08/2021 09:09

Not over-reacting at all, and if his only justification is 'she wants to' it will only get worse. Best to cut your losses now, get rid and make sure no one has the opportunity to treat your DC like second class citizens again.

Ebony999 · 01/08/2021 09:11

@JaniieJones

Well I'm going totally against thr grain here but well done her df for clearly prioritising his dd. Many nrps on mn seem to drop them once they get a second family.

Look, this is not ideal but as a pp said 'Children don’t become siblings just because their parents decide to move in together. You can’t just impose that relationship. If she isn’t comfortable with the lack of privacy with someone who isn’t a member of her family, then that really should be respected'.

For whatever reason she doesn't want to share with your 15yr old dd, she obviously has attachment issues and for the sake of a 10yr olds mh I would just go with it. She won't be doing it when she's a teen but at the moment she needs to be close to her df.

Kids aren't always 'manipulative'. They can have emotional issues that need an empathetic approach.

I came on to say exactly this. I cannot believe the lack of interest into the fundamental reasons why this child is acting the way she is. The multiple references to her as ‘ manipulative’ are shocking and lazy. As for the father being a ‘cunt’ or a ‘twat’ because he’s trying to prioritise his daughter? Not saying his solution is ideal by the way. Sorry if I missed this information but I’d be interested to know how long the girl’s parents have been split and how long OP and her DP have been together.
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:15

OP I'm so annoyed on your behalf. Disney Dadding seriously winds me up. My DD(15) is from a separated home, has been since she was 18 months. There was none of this nonsense of tiptoeing around her because of it, by either me or her dad. We've both just always treated her like a normal child who just happens to have two loving homes. No need for "oh but the poor mite has two homes, let's treat her ever so gently and give her everything she wants". 🙄 what a spoilt brat we'd have on our hands now if we'd done that. Thankfully DP doesn't act like this with his DD either otherwise I'd have left very early on!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/08/2021 09:15

My dd hated sleeping alone. Was terrified. She slept on a mattress on our floor until her 13th birthday, it’s very very common to be scared. Try Googling it.

Don’t quite get why there’s such a downer here. It’s pretty normal for a 10 year old to be scared. Her dad is just trying to look after her. Bit more support from the OP would help her dad.

SueSaid · 01/08/2021 09:17

'I cannot believe the lack of interest into the fundamental reasons why this child is acting the way she is. The multiple references to her as ‘ manipulative’ are shocking and lazy. As for the father being a ‘cunt’ or a ‘twat’ because he’s trying to prioritise his daughter? Not saying his solution is ideal by the way.'

Exactly! It's a 'power struggle'. I mean fgs it's no wonder some kids with divorced parents grow up to have serious issues.

Talk to her, reassure her. Let her sleep wherever she feels comfortable! Have the same boundaries regarding behaviour as you'd have during the the day with your own kids but if she wants to sleep in the same room as her dad, for now, so what tbh.

Passthecontrol · 01/08/2021 09:19

Wholly unacceptable to expect a girl about to hit puberty to share with a boy she isn't related to. Why has your DP not prioritised his child's need for a bedroom in her own home? Sounds like you need a bigger property, a 2 bed with 2 unrelated children of the opposite sex was never going to be adequate once children reach 10+.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:21

Talk to her, reassure her. Let her sleep wherever she feels comfortable!

I agree with your first sentence but couldn't disagree more with the second. Reassurance and talking to her - yes of course. But needs to learn to sleep in her own bed - she is almost secondary school age fgs!

Coffeepot72 · 01/08/2021 09:21

@Passthecontrol for heavens sake, read the thread! The step daughter shares with a 15yr old GIRL

Birkie248 · 01/08/2021 09:21

@Passthecontrol

Wholly unacceptable to expect a girl about to hit puberty to share with a boy she isn't related to. Why has your DP not prioritised his child's need for a bedroom in her own home? Sounds like you need a bigger property, a 2 bed with 2 unrelated children of the opposite sex was never going to be adequate once children reach 10+.
She doesn’t share with a boy. She shared with OP’s 15 yo DD who isn’t there half the time!
MeridianB · 01/08/2021 09:21

@Passthecontrol

Wholly unacceptable to expect a girl about to hit puberty to share with a boy she isn't related to. Why has your DP not prioritised his child's need for a bedroom in her own home? Sounds like you need a bigger property, a 2 bed with 2 unrelated children of the opposite sex was never going to be adequate once children reach 10+.
She’s not sharing with a boy. She is sharing with a girl who is only there half the time. RTFT.
Frankola · 01/08/2021 09:22

@janiiejones there are many ways to reassure her and address these issues without OP being booted out of her own bed every time DSD is there

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:23

[quote Frankola]@janiiejones there are many ways to reassure her and address these issues without OP being booted out of her own bed every time DSD is there[/quote]

Exactly

pinkyredrose · 01/08/2021 09:24

You need to absolutely refuse to allow her to sleep in your room let alone your bed. Who's the adult here? I'd be sticking a knife in the airbed.

MeridianB · 01/08/2021 09:25

I totally agree that the child needs support but that doesn’t mean she gets to throw an adult out of her bed. Her father needs to move heaven and earth to find a short term solution and then support and address the underlying causes.

Mrstamborineman · 01/08/2021 09:27

She’s quite a snowflake isn’t she.
But - it’s not her that is the problem it’s your not so darling partner. He is avoiding being a parent. For that I would leave.

Rosebel · 01/08/2021 09:28

@Passthecontrol

Wholly unacceptable to expect a girl about to hit puberty to share with a boy she isn't related to. Why has your DP not prioritised his child's need for a bedroom in her own home? Sounds like you need a bigger property, a 2 bed with 2 unrelated children of the opposite sex was never going to be adequate once children reach 10+.
She shares with a 15 years old girl. Why do people keep saying she shouldn't be sharing with a boy when she doesn't? If DSD was upset and wanted to share with dad occasionally it would be one thing but she's not. She's come in and demanded. Nothing wrong except she's obviously spoiled by dad. Tell your partner she sleeps in her own bed. End of. Just like your son does. You really need to drive home that it can't be one rule for her and one for him. God knows how your poor son feels when his step sister is allowed to do what he can't.
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:28

I'd be interested to know if she's allowed to sleep in mum's bedroom at home...

Ebony999 · 01/08/2021 09:29

@Mrstamborineman

She’s quite a snowflake isn’t she. But - it’s not her that is the problem it’s your not so darling partner. He is avoiding being a parent. For that I would leave.
How is he avoiding being a parent?
ScrumptiousBears · 01/08/2021 09:30

Is it just him refusing to deal and taking the easier option? I hate sharing a bed with my DDs and will always try and get them back in their beds. DP just let's them in and won't make the effort to take them back. It's laziness and also
That they gravitate to me rather than him so he still has room to move.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 09:33

I have taken her feelings into consideration hence why when she comes in the middle of the night upset I swap beds with her despite my ds not being allowed to do this, but she hasn't come in upset tonight, she walked through the door, put her stuff in our bedroom and claimed she was sleeping there for the next 2 weeks.

Now I'm even more angry on your behalf.
So he lets his kid do this but objects when it's yours? And his kid just waltzed in and put her stuff in your room and announces she's sleeping there. Urgh. Seriously, I never say this, but just leave.

diddl · 01/08/2021 09:35

I don't think that she should just demand the 2wks & it be accepted, but I can't see the problem with her spending some agreed nights with her Dad.

Perhaps your son could on those nights be in the bunk with his sister & you have your son's bed?