AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

[kravestix]

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

@ineedaholidaynow

How old are you now *@kravestix*?

I am also intrigued how much spare money you have each month on your salaries and 5 children? What is the rest of £470 going on?

The other £470 goes on Birthdays and Christmases, Emergency Savings, and Days Out. I'm 25 now.

@Looubylou

I'll get shot down in flames for saying this, but as a parent I find your attitude a bit selfish. My dc would be gutted if I left him at home for a week to go holiday, and I know I'm not just blowing my own trumpet. 🏃‍♀️🔥

I completely agree with you! If this was flipped and a mum was saying “my husband wants to go to Thailand on his own for a holiday on his own and leave me with our 3 year old” everyone would be going mad saying he was selfish, leave the bastard etc.

I have 3 kids and have been away for long weekends with friends a couple of times in 7 years. Every other holiday is a family one. Also sounds like it’d be a stretch financially.

@DeathStare

Your finances don't add up here.

First you said you earn £750 a month and your DH earns £2k a month.

Now you say that if you were a single parent you could afford a £1200 holiday after paying your rent, bills, food, etc. If the first figures you gave are true then theres no way you could afford it.

Yes, I could. As a PP said, I'd have about 30k equity from the house sale. I'd also move in with my DM. No rent to pay. Just a contribution to the bills and food. Plus any maintenance that DH then paid me. Plus Chils Benefit. It would be perfectly doable.

Could you cut back on birthdays and Christmas so you can afford a family holiday?

The budget should be split in 1/3s as that the wages. You earn less therefore chip into savings pot less. If anything you should agree 1/3 for you and ds, and husband 2/3 for him and his 4 other kids.

The correct thing to do though is find somewhere affordable and agreeable you can all enjoy, and save Thailand and the likes for when kids have flown the nest

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

£360 a year instead of my half £1200

It would pot be £1200 a year though from you would it as you pay far less than your boyfriend does into the household so the bulk of the holiday pot is from his salary.

Sure but I only pay less because I'm at home looking after DS. DH is welcome to cut his hours to pieces and look after DS instead and I'll go back to work full time. Then I'll be the one contributing more. Except DH doesn't want to do that.

It's starting to read to me like you got into a serious relationship with DH at a very young age and didn't realise the commitment of getting involved with someone who already had multiple children.

Unfortunately, when you pick a partner with four children then you need to factor their existence into things like holidays, days out, buying a house, education etc.

You have a family of seven and the budget for holidays needs to be divided accordingly - each person has "x" to be spent on their holidays, so if all you can afford is a weeks' camping then unfortunately that's how it is.

If you don't want to be restricted in that way then maybe you need to reconsider whether this is the marriage for you.

@ineedaholidaynow

Could you cut back on birthdays and Christmas so you can afford a family holiday?

Nope. DH won't compromise on the amount we spend on the kids for Christmas and Birthdays. And with 5 of them, it adds up to quite a bit.

I’m assuming DH is paying towards his other children? How old are they?

Sure but I only pay less because I'm at home looking after DS. DH is welcome to cut his hours to pieces and look after DS instead and I'll go back to work full time. Then I'll be the one contributing more. Except DH doesn't want to do that.

It would be totally wrong of him to cut his hours when he has five children to support! You're more than welcome to work full-time and put DS in childcare, though, surely?

@HalzTangz

The budget should be split in 1/3s as that the wages. You earn less therefore chip into savings pot less. If anything you should agree 1/3 for you and ds, and husband 2/3 for him and his 4 other kids.

The correct thing to do though is find somewhere affordable and agreeable you can all enjoy, and save Thailand and the likes for when kids have flown the nest

No, sorry. I'm saving DH well over £300 a month in childcare by staying home and looking after DS. That's his half of the childcare. I'm only contributing less because of this. Because DH refuses to do his fair share of the childcare. So I do it all at the detriment of my income. I also paid the 30k deposit on our house. DH contributed zero. So as far as I'm concerned all money and all savings are split equally and that's that. Half his. Half mine.

So if you are staying home where does your income come from? And how did you afford £30k deposit?

@vivainsomnia

Sorry, I can't actually see the relevance of this and I really can't see £2400 funding a bearable holiday for 7 people. But as you asked DH brings in 2k and I bring in £750 a month You want your cake and eat it then. You rely on both income to be treated as joint as family money, yet you think you should have half of the holiday fund just for yourself and the rest of the family to share the rest.

And you can't see how that is selfish? How about he tells you that you can go 50/50 when you bring half of the money. You plan to leave your 3yo to him for a week, so he is clearly able to help with childcare. So go to work FT, keep your money after the share of bills and do what you want with what's left.

I actually think this is unfair. I can understand the debate going on about whether the holiday budget should be spilt between 2 or between 7, but he brings in more money because OP is working part time and providing most of the childcare, presumably because it works out cheaper for them and enables him to work full time. He is not paying for any childcare whilst he is at work on the days OP is not working so this benefits him but penalises OP who isn’t working.

So I don’t agree that his proportion of the holiday budget should relate to the proportion of income he contributes.

@ineedaholidaynow

So if you are staying home where does your income come from? And how did you afford £30k deposit?

I do work but only part time at the moment. I also get a disability related benefit.

@icedcoffees Wow! Okay. I'll go back to work FT. But DH can pay his half of the childcare for DS. He can also take equal time off when DS is sick or needs collecting early. We'll split our finances entirely. But he'll struggle to save any money, he won't have enough to put the amount he wants to put away every month for his kids Christmases and birthdays. His personal outgoings are a lot higher than mine and if he has to then fork out 500 quid a month in childcare then he'll be the one losing out with less money spare for his children. Not me.

DH refuses to do his fair share of the childcare. So I do it all at the detriment of my income. I also paid the 30k deposit on our house. DH contributed zero. So as far as I'm concerned all money and all savings are split equally and that's that.

Ok, this is now starting to sound like a relationship you won't want to stay in long term. You have put in more savings and do more childcare, and have future earning potential, but are restricted by him currently being the full time worker, and by his refusal to compromise on, well, almost everything. In that light, the holiday is a drop in the ocean. Why not move back to your mum's right now and go it alone?

[quote kravestix]@icedcoffees Wow! Okay. I'll go back to work FT. But DH can pay his half of the childcare for DS. He can also take equal time off when DS is sick or needs collecting early. We'll split our finances entirely. But he'll struggle to save any money, he won't have enough to put the amount he wants to put away every month for his kids Christmases and birthdays. His personal outgoings are a lot higher than mine and if he has to then fork out 500 quid a month in childcare then he'll be the one losing out with less money spare for his children. Not me. [/quote]
He should be taking equal time off and paying 50% of the childcare as standard.

And if he saves less money, well, it was his choice to have five children, nobody else's.

TBH it sounds like you got in WAY over your head and are only just realising the reality of being with someone with four kids.

OP how old is your DP if he already had 4 kids when you met aged 18?

Why don't you just split up with your husband and move in with your mother, then you can do as you please?

I'm sorry I don't want to be rude but you are sounding naive and quite selfish.

You don't have huge salaries, there are 5 children involved here, you say you've hardly even been away let alone abroad yet you turn your nose up at Eurocamp and you're talking about going to Thailand. You're on about going on your own so that you can have the holiday you want or that you will only go if you can have a break from your ds.

Perhaps your dh is a bit more realistic.

There is a compromise between for example a week in Butlins and going to Thailand with a 3 year old.

There is nothing wrong with the things you want, but you should have considered how realistic this was with a man who already had 4 children he is responsible for.

Yes, I could. As a PP said, I'd have about 30k equity from the house sale. I'd also move in with my DM. No rent to pay. Just a contribution to the bills and food. Plus any maintenance that DH then paid me. Plus Chils Benefit. It would be perfectly doable.

Oh well good old Mum, sounds like that would be a great plan, you would have a ready made babysitter for all your jaunts as well.

@Rainy365

OP how old is your DP if he already had 4 kids when you met aged 18?

38

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Yes, I could. As a PP said, I'd have about 30k equity from the house sale. I'd also move in with my DM. No rent to pay. Just a contribution to the bills and food. Plus any maintenance that DH then paid me. Plus Chils Benefit. It would be perfectly doable.

Oh well good old Mum, sounds like that would be a great plan, you would have a ready made babysitter for all your jaunts as well.

Backtracking, I know, but: So, I don't want to go to a Eurovamp in France, DH doesn't want to go to Thailand. What's the compromise?

This is only a compromise for now - say, next summer, since he's already ready to book - but I just took a look at the eurocamps.uk site and there’s one, Parc Umag, in Croatia. It’s 9km outside of Umag, but it’s right on the coast in a very cool area - you’d be right on the border of Croatia, Slovenia, and Italy. There are a lot of interesting smaller cities nearby: Trieste, Rovinj, Pula, Piran. And the coast and countryside are gorgeous. Roman ruins, semi-castles, huge public parks/gardens, museums, old town centres, hills and mountains and rocks to climb.

If he's set on renting a car anyway, you could split the time between the campsite (which looks like it has an attached beach) and trips into the cities for the whole family. Or he could drop you off and pick you up at the bus station in Umag and let you do some day trips. (Not sure how old the other children are; maybe some would want to come along?)

Another option - a lot more research, but you could do it online if you have time - would be to fly into somewhere like Trieste, Rovinj, or Pula and rent a vehicle big enough for all of you and drive down the Croatian coast staying at campsites (not from Eurocamps, but whatever’s available) or whatever other accommodation fits your budget and stopping at beaches or cities or whatever else you want to see as you go. (You might even find hostels on the way that have 6-bed ensuite dorms and have a big room to yourselves, if the youngest doesn't need a separate bed.) Plan how far you’ll get so you can book ahead for accom and for flights home - they’ll be crazy expensive if you book last minute in the summer - but you could fly home from Split or Dubrovnik.

You could do similar a lot of places in Europe, I just used Croatia as an example because you mentioned it in your first post. I don’t recommend Norway on a budget - save it until you have more money! - but lots of places in Europe are gorgeous and cheap: generally the further south or further east you go the better.

Have I missed how old the other DC are?

That trip to Croatia sounds amazing! Noting it for myself .