AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

[kravestix]

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

I think him saying the DC can’t go in holiday clubs is controlling.

I would hope the guy's extra outgoings include significant maintenance to the mum of the other four DC?

It’s not a double standard if he doesn’t want to go. Not fair for OP to miss out.

Read the thread.

He does want to go to Thailand but they can't afford to take everyone and he's not willing to go on his own with his wife when that means four of his children don't get a holiday.

They can't afford luxury holidays as they have five children between them. It's not about OP missing out - she can't afford to go in the first place.

@Phineyj

I would hope the guy's extra outgoings include significant maintenance to the mum of the other four DC?

Yes

DH isn't controlling. He's actually a pretty wonderful guy. The issue is that we both want different things. And he is child oriented. Everything is always about the kids. He doesn't do hobbies or spend money on himself because every free moment and every free bit of cash he chooses to use on the kids. He's a family man. Completely. His kids are his world. Whereas, I love my DS and my Step Children. But I also value time for me and money for me. Obviously, I'll always put the kids first in regards to needs but not necessarily wants. All our wants matter. Not just theirs. DH isn't controlling but over the years, it's me that compromises on the bigger life decisions. Simply because we have to factor in DH kids. And I understand that. I chose to be with him. Which is why I've always been happy to be the one compromising. PP called it when they said this is probably me day dreaming about a holiday.

Problem probably is OP you settled down young with someone who already had children and now have a child yourself. You are in a position at 25 where you have to factor in 5 children when making many decisions.

@Jerseygirl12

I think him saying the DC can’t go in holiday clubs is controlling.

I would never use one, it’s not controlling to want a holiday to be about family rather than sending the children off to childcare Not to mention there was no way I would leave my children with strangers in a different county,

I think though OP that, as you are so young, you can save up and in 10 years or so, depending on the age of the step DC, you may be free to travel in the way you wish. It does sound like it might have to be without DH.

Another possibility is to move into work you can travel with? Obviously at the moment that's not realistic, but who knows what the future holds.

And you never know, one of those step DC might do a university year abroad. A couple of my colleagues have done great trips that way.

Omg! I have just found a luxury safari tent holiday in Wales that sleeps 8 people. It looks gorgeous and idyllic. Hell, it's not Thailand but it still looks absolutely stunning. I'm seeing, toasting marshmallows over the fire pit, games of Monopoly, canoing, paddling in the streams, relaxing in the hottub. Breakfast outside. Country walks. Wildlife and peace. £1545 for seven nights for all of us. So within our £2400 yearly budget with enough left over for food and activities. Plus, we can drive so saving in flights, and means we can drive about locally to activities. Absolutely perfect. So it can be done. Thailand will be there in 10 years for me when the kids have grown up or when our income increases! Excited!!!

@kravestix

Omg! I have just found a luxury safari tent holiday in Wales that sleeps 8 people. It looks gorgeous and idyllic. Hell, it's not Thailand but it still looks absolutely stunning. I'm seeing, toasting marshmallows over the fire pit, games of Monopoly, canoing, paddling in the streams, relaxing in the hottub. Breakfast outside. Country walks. Wildlife and peace. £1545 for seven nights for all of us. So within our £2400 yearly budget with enough left over for food and activities. Plus, we can drive so saving in flights, and means we can drive about locally to activities. Absolutely perfect. So it can be done. Thailand will be there in 10 years for me when the kids have grown up or when our income increases! Excited!!!

Also my DS would much rather holiday with his Brothers and Sisters than just boring old Mum! He adores them and has more fun when they're with us.

Thanks all for giving me a reality check. Love MN!

I had 1 DC and not more so I could afford to do so. With my half of the holiday budget I can easily do so
But you can't afford it, you only earn £750, so you had a child knowing you couldn't afford it. You can only afford it if you take a pot of your OH's income, which you seem to think is yours, just because you are a family....except if you are indeed operating as a family, you accept that everyone in the family should benefit from your joint income, not just you because you think you are more deserving.

Oops, just seen your update. Glad to read you realised there were compromises to be made.

It sounds fab.

I think your holiday ambitions exceed your available spends. You sound fed up, which is fair enough, but I don't think the issue is the holidays.

FYI we do Eurocamp holidays every year. We've three kids and we've taken them all over Europe - we never stick to one country and see it as an adventure. One memorable year we did five! France - Luxembourg - Belgium - Germany - Netherlands. They're a great compromise of authenticity seeing a country with the facilities for kids. We do these holidays because we couldn't afford another kind of holiday - and we have approximately double your income.

Great update OP, it sounds absolutely fantastic!

Glad this resolved into a holiday which works for everyone.

I don't get why the DH was labelled as from the 50's and controlling. I think it is lovely that he wants to spend so much quality with his DC, it passes so quickly. It is also nice that he is concerned about whether they would enjoy kids clubs - we never did it, but my nieces loved them. For me, a big part of holidays is about laying down memories, in a few years you will realise that they are all changing so much all the time.

I hope OP gets lots of fabulous holidays when the kids have left home and she is still only in early 40's, but for now maybe she could consider something like a weekend by herself in Barcelona - fab city, beach, cheap if you can be flexible, ideally with a friend, but leave DS with DH or GPs. She could ask for it to be her Christmas/birthday present from DH.

Just hope you pick a good weather week in Wales!!

Go and have fun OP no one bats an eyelid when DH go on a trip leaving mum with the kids.

@DeflatedGinDrinker I would bat an eyelid if a DH went on holiday by himself using the family holiday budget.

However, the OP has now found a good family holiday compromise so all is well

I think he is controlling. These are all quotes from OP's previous posts:

Before my DS was born we had one holiday as a couple. Heavily compromised by me. We ended up in South of France for a week in a Villa. It was the furthest DH would go. He said no to all my suggestions and in the end it was the only place we could both agree on.

Sure but I only pay less because I'm at home looking after DS. DH is welcome to cut his hours to pieces and look after DS instead and I'll go back to work full time. Then I'll be the one contributing more. Except DH doesn't want to do that.

No, sorry. I'm saving DH well over £300 a month in childcare by staying home and looking after DS. That's his half of the childcare. I'm only contributing less because of this. Because DH refuses to do his fair share of the childcare. So I do it all at the detriment of my income.

So they can only go on holiday if it fits his strict criteria. DH doesn't want OP to go back to work, although then she'd be earning a lot more and would be contributing equally to the pot. So she has to stay home to look after DC. He won't do his share of childcare but insists it's all down to OP to do it.

I stand by my point that everything has to be what HE wants.

The OP has gone back to work part-time. The DH is paying for 4 other children too, better he works more rather than less otherwise his contribution for these other 4 children will reduce

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Today 08:47IceCreamAndCandyfloss

The DP sounds controlling and is trying to dictate what type of holiday they do

It’s not controlling to want to take a family holiday that includes all the children, is within budget and caters for dislikes. What the
OP wants they can’t afford unless they leave some children out. Rightly, the boyfriend isn’t prepared to do that.

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Today 08:50Jerseygirl12

I think him saying the DC can’t go in holiday clubs is controlling.

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Today 08:50Phineyj

I would hope the guy's extra outgoings include significant maintenance to the mum of the other four DC?

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Today 08:54icedcoffees

It’s not a double standard if he doesn’t want to go. Not fair for OP to miss out.

Read the thread.

He does want to go to Thailand but they can't afford to take everyone and he's not willing to go on his own with his wife when that means four of his children don't get a holiday.

They can't afford luxury holidays as they have five children between them. It's not about OP missing out - she can't afford to go in the first place.

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Today 08:54kravestix

Phineyj

I would hope the guy's extra outgoings include significant maintenance to the mum of the other four DC?

Yes

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Today 09:02kravestix

DH isn't controlling. He's actually a pretty wonderful guy. The issue is that we both want different things. And he is child oriented. Everything is always about the kids. He doesn't do hobbies or spend money on himself because every free moment and every free bit of cash he chooses to use on the kids. He's a family man. Completely. His kids are his world. Whereas, I love my DS and my Step Children. But I also value time for me and money for me. Obviously, I'll always put the kids first in regards to needs but not necessarily wants. All our wants matter. Not just theirs. DH isn't controlling but over the years, it's me that compromises on the bigger life decisions. Simply because we have to factor in DH kids. And I understand that. I chose to be with him. Which is why I've always been happy to be the one compromising. PP called it when they said this is probably me day dreaming about a holiday*

OP has also posted this.

What on earth happened with that post? It was only supposed to be quoting where OP clearly states her DP isn't controlling

@sweeneytoddsrazor

What on earth happened with that post? It was only supposed to be quoting where OP clearly states her DP isn't controlling

I'll take it as read! The OP may not think he's controlling, but I think some of his attitudes and behaviour are. That's the point I was making. That's the way I see it, the OP doesn't have to agree.

And apologies, I did mean to write that he won't let her go back to work full time, but in typing quickly I forgot to put that bit in.

Center parcs Holland. The big sites have loads activités for his older children and the little one. You can go adventuring on a bike. Cheap end of august as the Dutch and French go back to school earlier. Can take the car on the tunnel. No flights needed