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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

276 replies

kravestix · 31/07/2021 12:50

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/07/2021 18:12

@kravestix

I don't resent my child. Rude. But equally, I'm perfectly entitled to time by myself outside of being a parent. My life revolves around my DS 24/7 I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time to myself. And I already said I'd be happy to take DS with me provided I had access to some kind of kids club so I could just grab a few hours to myself occasionally.
I'm really confused now.

You said earlier in the thread DS is only 3 so he wouldn't even notice tbh!, in reply to a PP saying their child would be gutted if she left him for a week.

I assumed for a 3 year old to not notice, you probably don't spend much time together.

But you say you do, so how would he not notice? Confused

Original poster
kravestix · 31/07/2021 18:14

What I meant was that I wouldn't exactly be telling him that I was going away without him. It would be pitched as a fun week just him and Daddy or with his Grandparents.nof course, he'd know I was away but if he was still with people he loved he'd be fine. That's what I meant. But again, as stated several times previously, I'd rather take him with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 31/07/2021 18:15

@kravestix

What I meant was that I wouldn't exactly be telling him that I was going away without him. It would be pitched as a fun week just him and Daddy or with his Grandparents.nof course, he'd know I was away but if he was still with people he loved he'd be fine. That's what I meant. But again, as stated several times previously, I'd rather take him with me!
@WorraLiberty
OP posts:
HalzTangz · 31/07/2021 18:15

@kravestix

Just spoken to DH again to find out his exact feelings. Using Thailand as an example he said it is somewhere he would like to visit. He'd like to visit a lot of places but in his mind it isn't a family or kid friendly place. He thinks we should be going on holiday at those places that have like chalets, with water parks and funfairs or whatever. Like that holiday park in the Netherlands. In his mind, a holiday should be all about fun fun fun for the kids and not what Mum and Dad wants. I don't really agree. As a Kid I'd have loved it if my parents had taken me somewhere like Thailand. I think it's great for kids to be able to see lots of different places around the world and yes have fun but it shouldn't just be all about kids fun and splash parks iyswim?
I've been Thailand a few times, not a cheap flight and I wouldn't say it was family or kid friendly. Lots of hustle and bustle going on. More suited I would say for taking teenage kids and not younger kids. We last went October 2019, flight alone was just under a grand, two flights, 9 and 8 hours each with 105 minute layover, again not great for young kids.
BackforGood · 31/07/2021 18:17

Everything Deathstare said.

If you are a family, then you have gone into that, knowing your dh already has all the commitments that come with having 4 dc (before your little one). The fact you started off calling him dh suggests you consider yourself a family.

If you are just in some sort of a house share, then that would be different, but in my world you commit to a family fully, not just when it suit you. As he has done, contributing more money into the pot. This is what you do as part of a family, not what you do if you are in a house share. Same with holiday arrangements - you need to decide if you are a family or housemates.

Phineyj · 31/07/2021 18:17

I think whether the ex will take the DC anywhere is quite relevant -- 7 people is not a realistic number to take anywhere much at school holiday prices on this sort of household income, and as the OP has explained, she could take the 3 year old at cheaper prices (presumably the other DC are at school).

The outcome would be at least everyone would get a break -- except for perhaps the DH, but he doesn't sound a very keen holidayer in the first place.

Original poster
kravestix · 31/07/2021 18:18

@honeylulu

Just curious ... if you split from your DH would you still be able to afford from your income and child maintenance a £1200 per annum holiday budget for you and DS? This might affect how I would answer your AIBU.

If yes then you aren't really "taking more than your share" of the holiday budget, as long as DH gets the rest to do stuff for him and his first 4 kids (maybe days out rather than holidays). This seems fine.

If no, then you're expecting to hog more (for 2 people) than is fair of the "treat money" intended for 7 people.

Yes I could
OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 31/07/2021 18:20

@kravestix

I don't resent my child. Rude. But equally, I'm perfectly entitled to time by myself outside of being a parent. My life revolves around my DS 24/7 I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time to myself. And I already said I'd be happy to take DS with me provided I had access to some kind of kids club so I could just grab a few hours to myself occasionally.
Absolutely OP. Ignore the martyr mummies that don't desire any kind of life outside their children.
icedcoffees · 31/07/2021 18:21

I wouldn't have had 4 children if I couldn't afford to take them further afield. I had 1 DC and not more so I could afford to do so. With my half of the holiday budget I can easily do so.

But you are a family of seven, not a family of two, so your money needs to be split seven ways.

You chose to marry someone with four children so unfortunately that limits yours and your DS's options. The holiday budget has to cover your step children too - you can't just take half of it and spend it on 2/7ths of the family!

loosingmymarbles · 31/07/2021 18:22

I can't read your responses no more, never met anyone so selfish on here.

This man wants all his kids to go away as a family as families do with his partner by the sounds

Not just take your child because you've only 1 together?? you sound like a wicked step mother
You shouldn't be with this man if you want to act as a single lone parent and not take on the responsibility of the other children that he came into the relationship with.
Or just not have children at all - cut out the head ache for you but to late for that now!

I'd never treat my DSC like this as they have feelings and they will easily see their step mum is been a bitch towards them when they see you on a nice holiday with her son an all's they can afford is a tent
Holiday budget is for a family. So you find a holiday for the FAMILY. INC his DSC!
I hope your partner wakes up to how you are an says something !

Selfish.

icedcoffees · 31/07/2021 18:22

Absolutely OP. Ignore the martyr mummies that don't desire any kind of life outside their children.

She can have a life outside her children - she doesn't need to fly to Thailand to have time alone!

honeylulu · 31/07/2021 18:23

Here's an idea. Why don't you and DP have separate rather than collective holiday funds. You each put in what you want/ can afford from your leftover disposable income. Then decide whether to do something joint or separate. If you decide to spend your "fund" on a holiday just for you, fair enough. If you take your DS then arguably your DP should chip in a bit from his "fund" as DS is half his. That might deal more neatly with the issue that DP is currently funding a higher proportion of the savings but you're expecting to swipe 50% of a fund intended for 7 people (or 5 if you apply a formula that reflects that the first 4 children aren't yours and are part-supported by their other parent.)

DeathStare · 31/07/2021 18:25

Your finances don't add up here.

First you said you earn £750 a month and your DH earns £2k a month.

Now you say that if you were a single parent you could afford a £1200 holiday after paying your rent, bills, food, etc. If the first figures you gave are true then theres no way you could afford it.

HalzTangz · 31/07/2021 18:25

@kravestix

DH has said he wouldn't use kids clubs. He doesn't trust them.
He's right. You don't know the staff or the other children but happy to leave your kid. Would you just rock up to a nursery without vetting it an leave your kid their
Original poster
kravestix · 31/07/2021 18:26

@BackforGood

I have to say OP you are sounding quite naive.

Can you explain to me how you think you can afford luxury holidays on your family income?
Even before considering that your outgoings must be pretty big as you are a family of 7.

Did you not consider all of this before committing, at such a young age, to a life with a man who already had four children ?

Did it not cross your mind that your family budget was always going to be strained (or, lets say for the first 20 years or so at least) ?

This sounds like a bit of teenage "it's not fair" foot stamping to me.

We all make decisions in life that affect other things. This is magnified when it comes to money. Committing to being part of a family of 7 is always going to mean high outgoings, which means luxury holidays fall into the "I wish..." category rather than "I can realistically have..." category.

Doing that so young, was a choice you made.

After all our outgoings we have £670 left per month. Out of that £670 there's a budget for £200 per month for a holiday. We'll go on whatever holiday we can afford for that amount.

And honestly, as a naive just turned eighteen year old who hadn't been in a relationship before, who hadn't even kissed anyone before, who still lived at home, no, I can't honestly say I looked far enough into the future to envision holidays with my new boyfriend who happened to have 4 kids. No, I didn't consider that our budget would always been strained.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 31/07/2021 18:27

Yes go, I’ve been away without my kids many times. They’ve had plenty of holidays so not missing out

honeylulu · 31/07/2021 18:27

Sorry OP, cross posted with your reply to my earlier message.

I do think separate holiday funds might be the answer here. You and your partner seem to have very different ideas about holidays before the blended family issues come into the equation.

Shmithecat2 · 31/07/2021 18:27

@icedcoffees

Absolutely OP. Ignore the martyr mummies that don't desire any kind of life outside their children.

She can have a life outside her children - she doesn't need to fly to Thailand to have time alone!

Oh - so if it were in the UK, you'd be OK with it?
freelions · 31/07/2021 18:27

I suspect that Eurocamp wouldn't be a lot of people's first choice of holiday with a limitless budget but when you become a family you have to make some compromises. It sounds like your DH is just trying to be realistic about what is affordable for a family of 7. Thailand is a big budget destination for a family and you don't have the big budget!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2021 18:31

£360 a year instead of my half £1200

It would pot be £1200 a year though from you would it as you pay far less than your boyfriend does into the household so the bulk of the holiday pot is from his salary.

honeylulu · 31/07/2021 18:32

First you said you earn £750 a month and your DH earns £2k a month

Well she'd get some equity from the house (sounds like they are tenants in common so 50%), child maintenance and possibly some tax credits etc. Might be able to save £1200 a year, possibly?

ineedaholidaynow · 31/07/2021 18:32

@Darbs76 the issue here is that the kids aren’t having lots of holidays

namcybotwinbloom · 31/07/2021 18:34

Tui kids clubs have always been great in my experience.

Greece is nice and friendly. I've been alone with just my dd. Cyprus is also very similar and I'd go there also on my own.

ineedaholidaynow · 31/07/2021 18:36

How old are you now @kravestix?

I am also intrigued how much spare money you have each month on your salaries and 5 children? What is the rest of £470 going on?

icedcoffees · 31/07/2021 18:39

Oh - so if it were in the UK, you'd be OK with it?

It's not about being "okay" with it - it's about what's affordable for them as a family. Currently, their budget doesn't stretch to allow 2/7 people to holiday in Thailand.

If it did, then it wouldn't be an issue. When you marry someone with four children then your budget needs to cover all of them, not just yours.