AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

[kravestix]

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

When you asked about how do you compromise, my thoughts are this. You’ve both already agreed the annual budget for holidays which is £2400. That is pretty much fixed regardless of who does what.

You would both prefer to take the whole family but your disagreements on destination is what is creating the sticking point. I think you look for the best holiday you can afford as one family for that price. This means you compromise on destination or time of year, but I think he should compromise on going further than France and distance from airport as you might get a better resort/location (and definitely more options at least) if you travel further away from the airport and further south than France.

And if you really still can’t compromise and do separate holidays I think maybe you split the budget per head including all the kids, because this is essentially what would happen if you were all going together. Otherwise you and your son get £600 each and he and 5 kids would be £200 each for holidays. And your son would actually have £800 spent on holidays vs his other children at £200 each.

Do you budget the same amount per child for xmas and birthdays or does your son get more?

@Rainy365

When you asked about how do you compromise, my thoughts are this. You’ve both already agreed the annual budget for holidays which is £2400. That is pretty much fixed regardless of who does what.

You would both prefer to take the whole family but your disagreements on destination is what is creating the sticking point. I think you look for the best holiday you can afford as one family for that price. This means you compromise on destination or time of year, but I think he should compromise on going further than France and distance from airport as you might get a better resort/location (and definitely more options at least) if you travel further away from the airport and further south than France.

And if you really still can’t compromise and do separate holidays I think maybe you split the budget per head including all the kids, because this is essentially what would happen if you were all going together. Otherwise you and your son get £600 each and he and 5 kids would be £200 each for holidays. And your son would actually have £800 spent on holidays vs his other children at £200 each.

Do you budget the same amount per child for xmas and birthdays or does your son get more?

Thanks for the suggestions. And yes, they all get the same for Christmases and Birthdays.

Does the £2400 include spending money?

@ineedaholidaynow

Have I missed how old the other DC are?

No, you didn't miss it.

@Zaragirl84

Does the £2400 include spending money?

Yes

@Palilula

Backtracking, I know, but: So, I don't want to go to a Eurovamp in France, DH doesn't want to go to Thailand. What's the compromise?

This is only a compromise for now - say, next summer, since he's already ready to book - but I just took a look at the eurocamps.uk site and there’s one, Parc Umag, in Croatia. It’s 9km outside of Umag, but it’s right on the coast in a very cool area - you’d be right on the border of Croatia, Slovenia, and Italy. There are a lot of interesting smaller cities nearby: Trieste, Rovinj, Pula, Piran. And the coast and countryside are gorgeous. Roman ruins, semi-castles, huge public parks/gardens, museums, old town centres, hills and mountains and rocks to climb.

If he's set on renting a car anyway, you could split the time between the campsite (which looks like it has an attached beach) and trips into the cities for the whole family. Or he could drop you off and pick you up at the bus station in Umag and let you do some day trips. (Not sure how old the other children are; maybe some would want to come along?)

Another option - a lot more research, but you could do it online if you have time - would be to fly into somewhere like Trieste, Rovinj, or Pula and rent a vehicle big enough for all of you and drive down the Croatian coast staying at campsites (not from Eurocamps, but whatever’s available) or whatever other accommodation fits your budget and stopping at beaches or cities or whatever else you want to see as you go. (You might even find hostels on the way that have 6-bed ensuite dorms and have a big room to yourselves, if the youngest doesn't need a separate bed.) Plan how far you’ll get so you can book ahead for accom and for flights home - they’ll be crazy expensive if you book last minute in the summer - but you could fly home from Split or Dubrovnik.

You could do similar a lot of places in Europe, I just used Croatia as an example because you mentioned it in your first post. I don’t recommend Norway on a budget - save it until you have more money! - but lots of places in Europe are gorgeous and cheap: generally the further south or further east you go the better.

Some food for thought. Thank you. Although even this, we wouldn't be able to do on our yearly budget. It would have to be once every two years.

So if you do go alone, roughly how much are you thinking you're going to need for your holiday, including your spending money. How much if you went with ds?

Then presumably you'll probably need a few new clothes, passport renewal possibly, you'll need a passport for ds if you do take him.

I’d go with a friend or family tbh, a holiday with 5 kids sounds like hell.

Pre DC DH and I holidayed together, with friends apart, with friends together and had a ball. Thailand was great, lots to see do and eat that we probably would have missed if we had a child with us.

Post DC we’ve been away (Caribbean) but holidaying with DC is very very different, enjoyable but not as relaxing and fun in a different way.

Our next hol will be a beach resort no more than a 2 hr flight away and not somewhere that I’d want to run about being a culture (and club) vulture.

If this was flipped and a mum was saying “my husband wants to go to Thailand on his own for a holiday on his own and leave me with our 3 year old” everyone would be going mad saying he was selfish, leave the bastard etc.

Yup

Although even this, we wouldn't be able to do on our yearly budget. It would have to be once every two years.

and what people are trying to tell you, is this is pretty normal for people on average (or below) wages and families to support. You are being completely unrealistic.
You are the same sort of age as my dc, my dns and my Godchildren. Yes, some of them have been to Thailand or similar, but they have chosen to put their money towards doing that rather than buying a house or having children.

I'm not sure why it is so difficult to understand that you have chosen to buy a house and become part of a large family at a young age instead. It is a simple matter of budget. Unless you are on some vast income - which, like most of us, you aren't - then you make choices about what you want to do with your life. You have chosen to have a family very young. This means you will still be relatively young when they are grown, and you do your 'traveling' then. It is basic economics that none of us can 'have it all'. Whilst you are working part time in a not very well paid job, then it isn't in your budget to be able to go on expensive long haul holidays.

I’m wondering how long this might be an issue for and whether it might time out when his kids start to leave home - how old are they?

Although even this, we wouldn't be able to do on our yearly budget. It would have to be once every two years.

But that's just life when you choose to marry someone with four children and go on to have another of your own, I'm afraid.

Your expectations aren't realistic - you're both relatively low earners and have five children between you - you can't afford to have annual foreign holidays.

Putting together what you've posted OP, it sounds like the differences go beyond a holiday. Initially I thought maybe it was that he was more child centred than you, that he put the DCs in the middle of everything while you see yourself as an individual as well as a mother.

However some of your later posts make me wonder if he's just stuck in the 1950s. He won't use childcare, he won't use a holiday club, you are expected to do all the childcare. He won't do his share. He won't let you go back to work. Whatever you do it has to be what he wants. Yes, he earns more than you, but you say he has a lot more outgoings than you do. Does that mean he spends a lot on himself, hobbies, clothes, gadgets or whatever while you get to spend very little?

I just get the feeling that the holiday is a symptom of greater issues in the relationship and that you want very different things and have a very different approach to life. How else do these differences show themselves?

.....or, he understand how income and outgoings work, realises they are part of a large family, and managing on an average income.

OP hasn't got her head around that yet, and has committed herself in a relationship with an older man who already had 4 children, then has had a child with him, without giving much thought to how much this would impact on her life, career, and in this case, holiday dreams.

I go on holiday on my own all the time sans DP as I have a lot more annual leave then him and he is self employed. He tends to also go away with his mates. I don't see anything wrong with it.

@garlictwist

I go on holiday on my own all the time sans DP as I have a lot more annual leave then him and he is self employed. He tends to also go away with his mates. I don't see anything wrong with it.

That's fine if you can afford it - DH and I do similar, but OP can't afford it without taking a holiday away from her step children.

When you have five kids you can't always afford to do what you want unfortunately.

@Feedingthebirds1

Putting together what you've posted OP, it sounds like the differences go beyond a holiday. Initially I thought maybe it was that he was more child centred than you, that he put the DCs in the middle of everything while you see yourself as an individual as well as a mother.

However some of your later posts make me wonder if he's just stuck in the 1950s. He won't use childcare, he won't use a holiday club, you are expected to do all the childcare. He won't do his share. He won't let you go back to work. Whatever you do it has to be what he wants. Yes, he earns more than you, but you say he has a lot more outgoings than you do. Does that mean he spends a lot on himself, hobbies, clothes, gadgets or whatever while you get to spend very little?

I just get the feeling that the holiday is a symptom of greater issues in the relationship and that you want very different things and have a very different approach to life. How else do these differences show themselves?

Totally this OP I think this is about some serious relationship issues (in part I suspect due to the age gap).

Are you happy? Do you want to stay in this relationship

I don't really see the point of being in a relationship if we don't go on holiday together. But that's just me, I guess.

@ZenNudist

Seems like a mumsnet double standard. If a guy wanted to use family money and bugger off on holiday alone leaving wife at home looking after the dc they'd get flamed.

Also not unreasonable that a dad wants to holiday with all his children. It's one of those quirks of step families where splitting up families for holidays is seen as possible if not very nice.

In a family where its just mum dad and 3 dc then the plan would be to save towards a holiday for all that suits all.

I feel your pain as dh and I have different ideas of what makes a good holiday but we don't go off alone and do our own thing.we either compromise or find something we both like.

It’s not a double standard if he doesn’t want to go. Not fair for OP to miss out.

I seriously would not rely on kids clubs for child free time. You never know the quality of the care or if your child will be happy to attend. Also sometimes sessions don’t run or you may need to stay onsite whilst your child attends. The quality can vary significantly if run by the hotel. Tui run clubs tend to be better. Additionally sometimes the sessions are short and you’d struggle to fit much in other than a trip to the pool, most likely not enough time to do an organised activity.

But Merass, if you read all the posts, this isn't about two people with plenty of money just having different tastes in holiday. This is about a person who can't afford to go on luxury holidays wanting to use family money to do so, just for one member of the family!

I'm completely on board with one partner going away for some reason on their own as well as the family holiday, if the family's finances and AL entitlement have the resources to do that. In this family, they don't.

We see plenty of posts from women whose DH wants to go on a cycling holiday, a golf break, a stag do, skiing with the lads etc. In all of those cases the holidays on offer are not to the posters taste. Should those women just suck it up so that their partner gets to do what they want to do and the budget and time for family holiday is reduced?

Just RTFT and call joke on this one. Don't think people are really this naive or selfish but it gets everyone's back up!

I don’t think it’s a joke, I think it’s a young woman day dreaming. The OP is 25 with a DC and 4 step children and an older partner, she’s been on one or two holidays her own life and is dreaming of going off on holiday on her own. The DP sounds controlling and is trying to dictate what type of holiday they do. I don’t think they’ll find a holiday compromise.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going on holidays on your own if your family can afford it! It's healthy to have a break. I understand not everyone wants to do it but it sounds at the ops dc age less disruptive for the child to be a home with their dad.
I also wonder when ppl say that they think it's selfish etc do you have family support or help with childcare. Me and dh have family but they have never ever babysit and won't and childcare where we live is in very short supply and v expensive so we have to give each other a break otherwise we'd get no downtime at all. Our 3 dcs are everything to us but also exhausting. It's just interesting as I find this in real life with a few mums I know who have loads of family support, I met one recently and mentioned my dh was away with the kids to be told they could never do that...., definitely trying to guilt-trip..

The DP sounds controlling and is trying to dictate what type of holiday they do

It’s not controlling to want to take a family holiday that includes all the children, is within budget and caters for dislikes. What the
OP wants they can’t afford unless they leave some children out. Rightly, the boyfriend isn’t prepared to do that.