AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

[kravestix]

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

What holidays did you go on before you had your DC OP?

What happens if your DS wants to go to Eurocamp?

@Jerseygirl12

What holidays did you go on before you had your DC OP?

Before my DS was born we had one holiday as a couple. Heavily compromised by me. We ended up in South of France for a week in a Villa. It was the furthest DH would go. He said no to all my suggestions and in the end it was the only place we could both agree on. Then the same year, we took his kids for a weeks glamping in the UK which was really fun.

I mean what holidays did you go on?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

The compromise if you can't agree on a joint holiday is separate holidays with the budget split, not you having all of it.

I already said I'd be happy to go halves on the holiday budget. But other posters reckon the budget should be split per head which is ridiculous.

@kravestix
"I can afford to take my DC. Just not DHs. I mean, I can afford to take my child. Why should he miss out because DH can't afford to take his children? And equally why should I miss out?"

Their your step children!!! Their your husbands children, your child's half siblings??? Why should they miss out because your a selfish human who wants to do XYZ beyond their means, Your morals are wrong IMO

You aren't missing out, your not a little girl anymore you have a family and kids that should come first, go have a spa night away if your that desperate for a break that won't break your bank
If you can only afford for you and (resentfully) your ds to go then you shouldn't be going at all and get your head out the clouds of what YOU want and what's best for the WHOLE family, I have 2 disabled children who have around the clock care and I get about 3/4 hours sleep a night oh and a baby plus 3 DSC and I deserve more of a break but I'd never be so selfish to say I'm only taking my kids as his aren't my blood, my OH gets annoyed with me because his children are always with me and do everything that I organise and we never get alone time, but you know what their my baby's to now and I bloody love them and this is our big families.

When you have kids the whole "Instagram" life stops, living up to people's expectations especially when you can't actually afford it as a family !! LOL

@Jerseygirl12

I mean what holidays did you go on?

None. Grew up in poverty in a single parent household and met my DH as a newly turned 18 year old. Our holiday in the South of France was my first holiday. And his first one on a plane.

And I agree if you're so desperate to go on holiday alone and not have to be the only one looking after your son then let your DH take him but the money split equal between each one of you so you get x1 for you, your husband get x1 for him x1 for your DS and say x3 for his kids (I'm just saying he's got 3 for an example)

I'd be happy to go halves on the holiday budget. But other posters reckon the budget should be split per head which is ridiculous.

Not saying I necessarily agree with them, but out of interest, why would that be 'ridiculous'?

Would you think the per head thing was ridiculous if you were the one with 4 children and still wanting to travel further afield?

[quote loosingmymarbles]@kravestix
"I can afford to take my DC. Just not DHs. I mean, I can afford to take my child. Why should he miss out because DH can't afford to take his children? And equally why should I miss out?"

Their your step children!!! Their your husbands children, your child's half siblings??? Why should they miss out because your a selfish human who wants to do XYZ beyond their means, Your morals are wrong IMO

You aren't missing out, your not a little girl anymore you have a family and kids that should come first, go have a spa night away if your that desperate for a break that won't break your bank
If you can only afford for you and (resentfully) your ds to go then you shouldn't be going at all and get your head out the clouds of what YOU want and what's best for the WHOLE family, I have 2 disabled children who have around the clock care and I get about 3/4 hours sleep a night oh and a baby plus 3 DSC and I deserve more of a break but I'd never be so selfish to say I'm only taking my kids as his aren't my blood, my OH gets annoyed with me because his children are always with me and do everything that I organise and we never get alone time, but you know what their my baby's to now and I bloody love them and this is our big families.

When you have kids the whole "Instagram" life stops, living up to people's expectations especially when you can't actually afford it as a family !! LOL[/quote]
Yes, they are my step children and they are my Son's Brothers and Sisters. In an ideal world none of us should miss out and we would have enough money to all go together. But we don't. I wouldn't be taking my Son on holiday resentfully. What a ridiculous thing to say. I also don't have Instagram or any social media beyond Mumsnet. So you're assumptions are wrong. I'd be quite happy to split the holiday budget in half so DH can do what he wants with his half and I can do what I want with my half. That way he can use his half to do something with his DC and I can use mine to do something with my DC. Therefore, no one misses out.

@ineedaholidaynow

Would you think the per head thing was ridiculous if you were the one with 4 children and still wanting to travel further afield?

I wouldn't have had 4 children if I couldn't afford to take them further afield. I had 1 DC and not more so I could afford to do so. With my half of the holiday budget I can easily do so.

But surely you can see that it isn’t really fair to split in half when one holiday involves more people. You only want it split in half to suit your purpose

But you have married someone with 4 children.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I'd be happy to go halves on the holiday budget. But other posters reckon the budget should be split per head which is ridiculous.

Not saying I necessarily agree with them, but out of interest, why would that be 'ridiculous'?

Because half of the holiday budget is mine. I would use my half to fund DS and I to go on Holiday. To split the budget seven ways means I lose out. Instead of half the money which is £100 a month, I'd end up with only £30 a month. Where could I take DS and I on holiday for £360 a year. That's why it's ridiculous. £360 a year instead of my half £1200.

Why not? Provided you have childcare arrangements in place eg if you are normally staying at home with DS while DH works then I think the onus is on you to arrange childcare while you are away. Also, only if DH would genuinely prefer this to going away the three of you.

I've had a a few holidays/trips on my own. Though admittedly not when the kids were as young as 3. On the other hand, when I had a 3 yr old I also had 2 yr old or a 4 yr old, and it is much harder to have sole care of two young children than just one.

Just curious ... if you split from your DH would you still be able to afford from your income and child maintenance a £1200 per annum holiday budget for you and DS? This might affect how I would answer your AIBU.

If yes then you aren't really "taking more than your share" of the holiday budget, as long as DH gets the rest to do stuff for him and his first 4 kids (maybe days out rather than holidays). This seems fine.

If no, then you're expecting to hog more (for 2 people) than is fair of the "treat money" intended for 7 people.

I have to say OP you are sounding quite naive.

Can you explain to me how you think you can afford luxury holidays on your family income?
Even before considering that your outgoings must be pretty big as you are a family of 7.

Did you not consider all of this before committing, at such a young age, to a life with a man who already had four children ?

Did it not cross your mind that your family budget was always going to be strained (or, lets say for the first 20 years or so at least) ?

This sounds like a bit of teenage "it's not fair" foot stamping to me.

We all make decisions in life that affect other things. This is magnified when it comes to money. Committing to being part of a family of 7 is always going to mean high outgoings, which means luxury holidays fall into the "I wish..." category rather than "I can realistically have..." category.

Doing that so young, was a choice you made.

Yes, I would & I do. Every year (except the last 2 obviously) I go away for a week by myself. Sometimes a European city break Sometimes a beach holiday. I've done it since my kids were small. It's fantastic

@kravestix hmm do you want to take two people away for £1200 and he had to take 5 people for £1200? Great sound at very fair.

And it sounds as though your DH does want a holiday but wants all of you to go which is right and if the kids are having fun, you are more likely to have fun as well

@ineedaholidaynow

But you have married someone with 4 children.

We aren't actually married. It was just easier to use the abbreviation. He has 5 kids. I only have 1. It's my job as a parent to provide for my one child. It's his job to provide for his 5 not mine. They aren't my children. Therefore, he can use his half to fund his 5 kids and ill use my half to fund my one. I have no obligation to fund someone else's children and I already do so in many ways I'm just not prepared to do it here too. When we die and our house is sold, DS as my one child will inherit my half. DHs five children will inherit his half at 1/5 each. Just because I'm in a relationship with their Dad I don't see why that means I have to fund them and sacrifice what would be given to my child and split it with someone else's children too? That's not my job. They have a Mum and a Dad to do that for them.

What does your husband say about you using joint funds to holiday alone?

Do it OP. Since ds was roughly 2, I try and get away, either by myself or with a girlfriend every year, even if it's just for 4 or 5 days. We do a family holiday every year, and then I'll do something and dh will do something. I like city breaks, architecture, exploring, cycling. Dh doesn't. So we do our own thing separately. No big deal. Ds doesn't feel abandoned or put out.

She don't say he wasn't interested. He said it's only fair if they all go including her SC (though she refers to them as him children not her SC)

OK OP..... hypothetically let's say it's not a holiday. Let's say you're looking at going out for dinner. The budget for the dinner is £100. Do you split that 50/50? Do you and your DS go to a fancy restaurant and your DH and DSC go to the chippy? Of course not. That would be ridiculous. You compromise and all go somewhere where you can all afford to eat. It might not be anyone's first choice but you're a family and its family money.

I have to say from your attitude it sounds like you don't consider DSC part of your family, and if that's the case you need to leave.