AIBU to go on Holiday without DH?

[kravestix]

DH isn't interested in hot places, long flights, beaches, etc. He also isn't prepared to holiday without his kids. That's fair enough. We can't afford to take them. So if he doesn't want to go without them then I get that completely but I still want to go! We also have a DS who is 3. When he's older, I'd be quite happy to take DS on Holiday just the two of us but at the moment I think he's a bit young and it wouldn't be enjoyable for me as the only adult looking after him without a break.

So, I was thinking, until DS is a bit older, I could just go on holiday on my own without DH. Then when DS is older he can come with me too.

Would you do that? AIBU to do it? Would it be safe? I want to go to places like Croatia, Mauritius, Norway, Thailand, etc. It would certainly be cheaper just going on my own!

@pinkcircustop

I think YABU. You’re being selfish and all me me me. You’re not a single woman, you have a family.

Does that mean you can NEVER have a minute to yourself?

@thenewduchessofhastings

Ah yes let's all shoot the evil stepmother again 🙄

If the OP want to spend her money on taking her child on holiday then she can.

Her DH has 4 kids.I have 4 kids and have never been able to afford a foreign holiday;it's too expensive for 6 so us so how the OP is expected to afford for 7 of them to go abroad I don't know.

But she doesn't want to take her child on holiday. She wants to leave him at home.

@vivainsomnia

So there's £200 a month for holidays. That's about £30 per heads (as 3 year old would need to pay for flights and probably accommodation). You get £360 annually to go wherever you want (good luck finding somewhere) and he gets over £2K to take 5 kids to a caravan holiday.

Sees fair enough to me.

Or how about, it's £200 a month for holidays so I get £100 and DH gets £100. Half each. Then I get £1200 a year to take myself away and my DS if I want. And he can have £1200 to take himself and his 4 or 5 DC away. Seems fair enough to me.

I have already said several times that I would rather take him with me! Just so long as I have access to some kind of kids club so I could have a few hours respite to myself. If we went for 7 days, I'm talking maybe kids club for a few hours just 3 days out of the 7.

@kravestix

I have already said several times that I would rather take him with me! Just so long as I have access to some kind of kids club so I could have a few hours respite to myself. If we went for 7 days, I'm talking maybe kids club for a few hours just 3 days out of the 7.

That was for @Bbq1

So would you never do a family holiday with DS? Or is your plan to put DS in holiday club all the time so you can have the holiday you want? Would you never consider a holiday with all the children?

Quit while you're ahead, OP. You are sounding more selfish now than at the beginning of the thread

Go with your son and use the kids club. You deserve a break as much as the next person. And kudos to you for tolerating your husband's attitudes to holidays...I think I'd divorce someone who wouldn't ever go further than a holiday camp within an hour's radius of an airport!

I can afford to take my DC. Just not DHs. I mean, I can afford to take my child. Why should he miss out because DH can't afford to take his children? And equally why should I miss out?

Because presumably you chose to have a child with a man who already had responsibility for 4 children. You can't just expect dh to leave them out to go off on your jolly's the 3 of you. Surely you can see how horrible that would be and why dh doesn't want to? If you had two children you leave one of your dc at home and take the other?

It doesn't sound like you want to take your own child particularly either. As you're on about leaving him at home too.

Of course you can do as you please. Personally from what you said I just think your different ideas don't bode well for the future.

Who is funding the £200 a month. Do you contribute equally and work the same hours? Or is one person actually funding it? I’d not be happy if I was the main earner and my partner took themselves away on my salary.

£2400 would pay for a family holiday easily.

@kravestix

DH has said he wouldn't use kids clubs. He doesn't trust them.

Is it just his decision? Companies like TUI employ qualified childcare professionals. We've used them since DS was a baby and have never had any concerns - they've always been in areas where you can see where they are and what they're doing. Qualifications are made available and they've always had great safeguarding policies.

DS is 7 and regularly talks fondly about his various kids club experiences.

@kravestix

You say I can afford to take my DC. Just not DHs. When you say I whose money is it specifically?

If you and your DH both earn and keep your finances separate then go for it.
If you share your money - ie if your DH is contributing - then this is really unfair. If its family money and the family can't afford to go away, then for one person to take some of it to go away on their own, or with just one child, really isn't on.

For £2400 a year I think you can afford a family holiday, just maybe not the one you want. The same is true for many of us with children.

I think the fact that it's a holiday involving 7 people versus a holiday involving 2 people does make a difference. Does the step DC's mum not take the other 4 away ever? Surely no-one would expect her to take the 3 year old, so in that case, the OP taking the 3 year old on their own little trips would be reasonable enough.

You got ONE child and you won't go away unless you have some respite 🤣

I don't believe in martyring yourself by any means but you sound incredibly self absorbed.

Oh and TUI holidays are really good value when your kids a young as you can go outside of school holidays and they often have free kids places.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Who is funding the £200 a month. Do you contribute equally and work the same hours? Or is one person actually funding it? I’d not be happy if I was the main earner and my partner took themselves away on my salary.

£2400 would pay for a family holiday easily.

Sorry, I can't actually see the relevance of this and I really can't see £2400 funding a bearable holiday for 7 people. But as you asked DH brings in 2k and I bring in £750 a month. But it's swings and roundabouts. He has higher outgoings than me. I do all the childcare. The nursery drop offs and pick ups. I work part time to look after DS so he could stay full time.

I think I have a different answer from just reading the title of the thread, from what I do now I've read all the detail.

If a couple have both enough money, and enough annual leave to do both family holiday(s) and their own break, then I'm 100% for it.

However when you are on a budget as you clearly are, and - lets be honest, outside of MN, most young families are - then I think it is important to prioritise family breaks.

If you chose to settle down before going off traveling / backpacking / seeing the world, then most people would understand that family budget then gets used up on rent / mortgage / and mostly dc. Obviously even more so if you choose to settle down with someone who already has 4dc. I think most parents accept that those idylic holidays to far flung places will then be on hold until after the dc are old enough to not be coming on holiday with you anymore.

Clearly, if you are in the higher income group, and you and your dh both have masses of AL, then that might be different, but, from what you post, that doesn't apply.

So, as a general principle people ANBU to go on a holiday without their dh but in your position, then yes, YABU to do so.

@kravestix

In all the time we have been together we have been on one holiday together and one as a family. We haven't been able to afford to go since. However things have changed again and now we can afford to budget £200 a month for a holiday. We can't afford for all of us to go on £200 a month.

If your total holiday budget for the family is £200 per month I do think you would be selfish to expect to use this just for yourself . If it's split half and half and you go with DS for a week and your DP goes with his older DC for a week that's fair enough. As long as your DP is happy with this . It wouldn't be fair to do it otherwise .

I might be old fashioned but I think when your kids are young then they should come first. And for your DP this includes his older children. There is plenty of time for adults only or holidays with friends when your DC are teenagers and no longer want to holiday with you .

@ineedaholidaynow

So would you never do a family holiday with DS? Or is your plan to put DS in holiday club all the time so you can have the holiday you want? Would you never consider a holiday with all the children?

I'd love for us to all go on holiday. But we can't afford it so. And no, I'd like to spend the majority of a holiday WITH my DS. But I don't see it as selfish to say that I want DS to do say, 3 hours 3 days out 7 days at a Holiday Club so I can have some time to myself when I spend 24/7 looking after him.

If your annual holiday budget is £2400 if I've worked that out correctly, then I think you may struggle to find affordable holidays abroad once your ds starts school.

@Phineyj

I think the fact that it's a holiday involving 7 people versus a holiday involving 2 people does make a difference. Does the step DC's mum not take the other 4 away ever? Surely no-one would expect her to take the 3 year old, so in that case, the OP taking the 3 year old on their own little trips would be reasonable enough.

Irrelevant what the other parent does as going on holiday would be funded by them and the child isn’t theirs or their partners. A completely different scenario.

In this situation the DH is funding the majority of the household income and, regardless of that, is correct in not wanting to go with only some of his children and leave some out.

He honestly sounds boring as fuck. Doesnt want to go anywhere interesting, doesnt want to use kids clubs in the boring places.

Sounds like a lot of posters on this thread, making your child the centre of your universe. Kids are NOT meant to be the centre of your world. They're meant to be a very important part of it.

@Zaragirl84

If your annual holiday budget is £2400 if I've worked that out correctly, then I think you may struggle to find affordable holidays abroad once your ds starts school.

Yes, true. Which is why I'm so eager to go next June as DS starts Primary in the September so we won't be able to take advantage of the cheaper prices outside of term time afterwards. Though I am hoping our income will rise in the next few years so we can up the budget.

£100 each a month towards holidays seem totally reasonable as long as you don't expect DH to fund you on his holiday with just his kids.
And to the PP who asked would the step DC mum take the 3 year old of course not because she isn't their parent or the partner of their parent. Nobody has suggested the OP take the step kids on her own, its their Dad that (rightly)wants to take them.

But you could probably afford a holiday every 2 years for everyone to go on if you didn’t have your own holiday, just probably not to the places you want to go to. But that is what happens when children come along. Also not everyone can afford an annual foreign holiday