Aibu to think that parents who stare at their phone and completely blank their children are a bit shit really.

[gingganggooleywotsit]

Ok I am being judgey and I know I’m only seeing a snapshot of someone’s life but it’s really upsetting me. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for a couple of hours doing a bit of work and there is a couple there with a 5 year old boy and they are literally glued to their phones. He’s having to hit them round the head practically to get them to look at him. He has nothing to play with keeps nearly running in the traffic and they will not look up from their phones. Little boy looks really upset. Yeah they might be working too I’ve been there wiith my kids but give the boy something to do or at least make eye contact occasionally! It’s like he’s invisible. 😞

@OhGiveUp

It just makes me wonder what they would have done back in the days before mobiles and internet. Why take your child to a cafe or a restaurant etc if you're not going to spend that time with them. How are you going to teach them social manners if you're glued to your phone? You can do your online shop and bookings when at home and they're in bed or watching TV. Sad that many parents prefer their phone over their children. Not a popular view I know, but there we go.

well, we wouldn't have taken them on holiday and days out in the first place because we would have been restricted to the office 🤷

For a start, it's a bit concerning that you would making such safeguarding calls in a public area!

I didn't, this is all being done electronically.

Yes, but he does use the word 'demonstrably' which changes everything

Exactly! And an opinion that someone is 'shitty' based on a blind assumption that they must be browsing Facebook rather than doing something important is demonstrably stupid

We've all been there indeed, but in this instance, this usually result in a 'darling, I've spent the last 3 hours talking to you about dinosaurs, mum is tired now and need a bit of peace and quiet, can you just look at the window, around you, talk in your head.... etc.... rather than blankly ignoring them or telling them to shut up.

Lol because this always works 😂
And while you think this is a good tactic another person might say it's shutting them down and stifling their creativity and expression 🤷‍♀️

Bottom line - mind your own business, you do you and don't worry about what other people are doing

@OhGiveUp

It just makes me wonder what they would have done back in the days before mobiles and internet. Why take your child to a cafe or a restaurant etc if you're not going to spend that time with them. How are you going to teach them social manners if you're glued to your phone? You can do your online shop and bookings when at home and they're in bed or watching TV. Sad that many parents prefer their phone over their children. Not a popular view I know, but there we go.

Didn't go out as much. There wasn't the coffee shop culture.

But, otherwise, the same as now, tell them to be quiet/sit down - the adults are talking.
give them something to occupy themselves with.
Let them run wild etc.

@vivainsomnia

I'm just being an average mum and doing what is required to parent my child. I think the point is that it reflects a reality for many parents as opposed to intending to convey that you've gone above and beyond and been perfect It reflects the reality for the majority of mums who are good mums. Can't you see that sadly, some kids don't have the chance to have a mum who does all those things with them? That some mums never play with their kids? That some mums rarely engage in conversation with their kids but to give them orders?

That some mums don't even know how to do these things because their mum never did with them.

Of course I know these sad situations exist. But I come back to my point - you can't possibly infer any of that from a brief snapshot of a parent's day. So I'd err on the side of minding my own business and assume most parents are just doing their best with the resources they've got at any given moment, rather than making assumptions such as these.

I have no problem with people being on them at the park while their kid is entertaining themselves nearby; being at the park is pretty boring, a parent may be there day in day out, and we wouldn't judge (I imagine) one reading a book instead.

I think it's poor form generally to be on your phone for any length of time when you're with someone else in a restaurant, be that a child or an adult, although for somewhere informal like a cafe I would cut slack for, say, an adult with a small child who might just need a change of scene and be tired out!

Balls, it's the summer holidays. I've got three under six and im doing it alone. If I find a chance to sit and zone out for a few minutes I will and I'll enjoy it.
I hope the woman in the post enjoyed it

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

Balls, it's the summer holidays. I've got three under six and im doing it alone. If I find a chance to sit and zone out for a few minutes I will and I'll enjoy it. I hope the woman in the post enjoyed it

3 under 6 by yourself. You're a hero! Sending wine .... 😂

They’d say ‘I need to work for a bit now’ or ‘I’ve got a headache let’s talk about this later’
But again, we are not talking about these parents, those who DO communicate with their kids, if it is to say that they can't/don't want to at this moment. We are talking about parents who ignore the kids. Who don't even say the above, who don't say to their kids they can talk later, but those parents who just seem totally oblivious for a long time of their kids' presence.

Of course I know these sad situations exist. But I come back to my point - you can't possibly infer any of that from a brief snapshot of a parent's day. So I'd err on the side of minding my own business and assume most parents are just doing their best with the resources they've got at any given moment, rather than making assumptions such as these
I think you can infer. I think there are signs that makes interaction from these mums very different to the mums who indeed had a bad day, need a bit of time for themselves. I do agree that you can't be sure, we can never be sure of anything anywhere, and indeed, that's why, as already said, I would never say anything or challenge. But yes, I do think that there is a good chance in some specific instances that the mum in question might very well be one of those mums who just doesn't engage much with her children on a daily basis.

Balls, it's the summer holidays. I've got three under six and im doing it alone. If I find a chance to sit and zone out for a few minutes I will and I'll enjoy it
There is a big difference between a few minutes and a couple of hours as per the OP!

Does anyone really think the OP was watching this family's every move and interaction for hours? I mean, for a start, she said she was sitting "doing a bit of work". She can't have been working that hard if she was able to study these parents and their behaviour solidly for hours... not to mention the sheer oddness of doing that.

I agree. My friend's wife is on her phone ALL the time (to the point he thinks it's an addiction) and her daughter is currently in counselling and it's come up that she thinks her mum loves her phone more than her.

I used to be quite close to her and go out for lunch etc but she would just get her phone out and ignore me, so I don't go out with her anymore.

@vivainsomnia as someone pointed out earlier maybe those parents are Trying the tactic of kg print pestering/bad behaviour.

I mean does it really impact you so much?

@feelingmehtoday

Does anyone really think the OP was watching this family's every move and interaction for hours? I mean, for a start, she said she was sitting "doing a bit of work". She can't have been working that hard if she was able to study these parents and their behaviour solidly for hours... not to mention the sheer oddness of doing that.

No, I think she's exaggerating by about 90 minutes

No, I think she's exaggerating by about 90 minutes

I did think similar...

@feelingmehtoday many thanks, much needed

Whilst I do think the dependance that most of us have on our phones these days...(myself included) is negative...

I think the trend for everything to be so goddamn child focused these days is ridiculous. Children literally rule most households. Most of is are trying so hard to keep all the balls in the air and plates spinning. Parenting (especially in the holidays) is fucking graft. The little boy will not be harmed by spending a couple of hours trying to get some attention. For all you know they had just come from the park. He will be fine 🙄

I mean does it really impact you so much?
Of course not, wasn't thinking about it at all since I saw this behaviour, last time probably being before covid! Only sharing my opinion on this thread like everyone else.

Ultimately, whether I've witnessed this behaviour or not, we know it does exist and it is very sad for the children affected.

I think the trend for everything to be so goddamn child focused these days is ridiculous
I definitely think the two extremes exist. Both are not doing the children any favours.

Oh god really? My parents certainly weren't at my beck and call all day every day when I was a child. For most of my childhood I wasn't even in the house let alone getting their undivided attention. They certainly didn't spend their time gazing at me and waiting for my scintillating conversation when I was 5.

@BastardMonkfish same here, 80s/90s childhood and 1 of 4. We weren't allowed in the kitchen after 4pm (fuck knows why) on Formula One days my parents literally locked themselves in the living room and we were not to be disturbed unless, and I quote, "we were on fire or actually dead" kicked out every sunny day of the summer holidays so mum could get a break. The butthurt of this thread would be horrified!

I also agree things are too child centered these days. Our local farm park offer a free admissions to mums on Mother's Day/dads on Fathers Day. I thought what a shit day out isn't it meant to be about the parents not the kids?!

I do think there's a lot of thinly veiled snobbery at work here. You wouldn't judge someone who was ignoring their child because they were reading a book or a newspaper. But because its a phone it seems to trigger a sharp intake of judgy breath and its not terribly rational.

Clearly totally ignoring your children when they need your attention isn't good. And phone addiction is a thing. But there's some additional level of judgement at play when its a phone which isn't there in other settings. If we really unpick this I can't believe that being distracted by a phone is any worse than being distracted by anything else.

Also a phone is just a medium: the person in question could be reading Fermat's Last Theorem or putting together a Gantt chart. Or playing a very difficult game of chess. People are very quick to assume its snapchat.

There's a thread running here atm about how working class families are far more likely to have run-ins with social services for behaviour which would be tolerated in middle class ones. I think there's a fairly heavy degree of this going on here: scrolling phone while with child attracts a degree of opprobrium that reading the Guardian with child wouldn't.

Good post, @thepeopleversuswork.

@thepeopleversuswork could you link me to that thread please? I work in a private school and I think that's absolutely true