Aibu to think that parents who stare at their phone and completely blank their children are a bit shit really.

[gingganggooleywotsit]

Ok I am being judgey and I know I’m only seeing a snapshot of someone’s life but it’s really upsetting me. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for a couple of hours doing a bit of work and there is a couple there with a 5 year old boy and they are literally glued to their phones. He’s having to hit them round the head practically to get them to look at him. He has nothing to play with keeps nearly running in the traffic and they will not look up from their phones. Little boy looks really upset. Yeah they might be working too I’ve been there wiith my kids but give the boy something to do or at least make eye contact occasionally! It’s like he’s invisible. 😞

Lots of excuses on here.
The parents are working - serioisly? What both of them, without laptops, in Costa Coffee with a child! No that's bullshit.
More likely they are amongst the realms of parents addicted to their phones. Ignoring their child for 2 hours, both of them in an obviously adult space. Costa Coffee is not a creche.
We sometimes get this at work. I work in a legal area. We see customers regarding legal issues. We are not there to speak to your child or engage with them. We are incredibly busy. We sometimes get parents they scroll through their phone whilst I am speaking to them, totally rude. Then the child will misbehave because surprise surprise they want attention. The parents then have to apologise for their child 's behaviuor. Get off your phone, explain to your child that they must sit quietly whilst in my room. If the child asks a question answer them then explain that you are talking to me and must listen.
Invariably it's the clients who have been scrolling through their phone whilst in an appointment who then phone up to say something is wrong with their paperwork. No shit Sherlock.

@IHateFlies I just don't think people should judge when they don’t have the full story, and observing people for a short time (2 hours sounds like an exaggeration to me) doesn’t tell you much

I think phone addiction is the worst thing that's ever happened for children's brain and social development. Kids have the worst of all possibilities now: they're not allowed to be free to explore the world outside and yet, when they're required to be inside with their parents they're not getting quality interaction. Chucked in front of a screen or mum and dad distracted on a screen.
Wasn't there a study done recently where they asked kids, what do you want daddy and mummy to do more? And the majority of kids said they want their parents to not be on their phones all the time. I'll try to dig it out.

Kids have the worst of all possibilities now: they're not allowed to be free to explore the world outside and yet, when they're required to be inside with their parents they're not getting quality interaction. Chucked in front of a screen or mum and dad distracted on a screen

Most kids I know (mine included) have plenty of quality interaction with their parents. And outdoor time, creative time, exercise. But not every hour of the day. They need to entertain themselves too.

For many parents work doesn’t just stop when the school holidays start. Even if you secure wfh days and flexi hours there will be times when your children have to entertain themselves, while parents use screens to work.

Is it such a bad thing for children to entertain themselves while parents work or make calls? Or should we insist they go to holiday club even if they don’t want to?

I remember my childhood holidays and weekends (pre-smart phones) consisted mostly of entertaining ourselves. Eg my dad would be busy gardening or watching cricket and not want to be disturbed, my mum would often be marking schoolwork (teacher) so although we were allowed to be near our parents we had to be quiet. Of course we interacted but a couple of hours without parents talking to us was normal. Constant interaction from parents wasn’t expected.

My DC have a variety of toys, books, craft and art stuff at home, plus free range in a secure garden so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t look up every time they’re chattering at me. And yes they have screens but screen time is limited and they don’t seem particularly interested in it.

If you interact with them every time they want to talk about their latest Lego creation or favourite colour they expect all adults to do the same.

My parents would often tell me not to interrupt if they were reading a book or writing a letter. The fact parents tend to read and write on their phones or tablets nowadays doesn’t mean they’re addicted to screens!

If you follow the parents all day and notice this is a theme throughout then yes, it’s shitty parenting. If it’s just a snapshot of someone’s day then you’re being a judgmental twat.

For all you know they’ve taken them out for the day and answered their 100000 questions about dinosaurs and space and poo and now they’re completely exhausted so just want to sit on their phone for a bit.

They're on MN innit

You're totally right. There's plenty of time when they're engaged in something, or simply in bed to waste time zombie like with a phone.

This.

@Guineapigbridge lol do you think parents who do on their phones NEVER let their kids be free to explore the outdoors 😂 what a bizarrely narrow minded view.

Breaking news: maybe they do both? Mind. Blown.

@StrangeToSee great post.

This having to account for children's every nanosecond is a relatively new thing, I wonder if the 'upset' (lol, get a grip) posters here realise that children have been ignored by parents in favour for newspaper reading, gardening, cleaning etc for generations before them?

I'm a teacher but I work through the summer on lesson prep and safeguarding issues. I've been working on my phone a bit this week while looking after the kids, in public too. Liaising with colleagues and child services over something that a pupil is going through that is ACTUALLY upsetting, actual abuse, and guess what - it's not "being ignored by their parents". So judge away if you see me on my phone - I'm trying to help another child settle into her new home where she isn't being sexually abused every day. That's more important than saying "oh wow!" Whenever my 5yo DS telling me he's seen a plane.

*If you follow the parents all day and notice this is a theme throughout then yes, it’s shitty parenting. If it’s just a snapshot of someone’s day then you’re being a judgmental twat.

For all you know they’ve taken them out for the day and answered their 100000 questions about dinosaurs and space and poo and now they’re completely exhausted so just want to sit on their phone for a bit.*

Exactly this you're being judgemental OP and you should concentrate on your own parenting.

Those parents have been with the kids 24 hours how do you know they've not been engaging with the kids the other 23 hours (with the exception of sleep time) and this was the one hour of the day when the child is engaging themselves.

Why has 21st century parenting turned into a thing where parents think paying child attention 24/7 is a positive thing?

It baffles me - do you not think children should be able to keep themselves occupied as that would be a useful skill for them to develop?

What happens when they grow up and have to be alone and then start getting anxiety because they always had attention and now that attention is gone?

There's two sides to this argument and there's a balance - but now where is paying children attention all the time good parenting. In fact, I'd say that's the shittier parenting option actually certainly in the long term.

@gingganggooleywotsit

I knew the thread would go this way, don’t know why I bothered posting. Thank you to those who tried to understand what I meant.

And yet didn't stop to try and understand why the person in the cafe was on their phone. Hopefully the dozens of potential reasons from PP will help you be aware of a potentially bigger picture in future.

Get off your phone, explain to your child that they must sit quietly whilst in my room.

Maybe the parents had taken their DC out for 'sitting quietly' practice?

Maybe this is a new thing to teach self-control and delayed gratification. I might try it with my 3yo. A sort of variation on 'sleeping lions'. How long can they sit quietly in their chair? If they can manage it for 5 minutes, they can have a chocolate...10 minutes, 3 chocolates...

My mother is a teacher and has issues with children who can't sit quietly when they're not the centre of her attention.

The only person there was the op and she felt strong enough about it to post. I don’t know why people are are having a go at her when we all know that plenty of children are ignored and have parents who aren’t able to parent well, whatever their circumstances.
The op is saying she saw parents on a phone for two hours and a child desperately trying to get attention and continually ignored.
When this happens, it’s a form of psychological withdrawal and is difficult to witness.
No one is saying that parents should never be on their phone but this seems to be have been upsetting for the op to witness. Maybe for good reason.
There’s a reason why people are doing studies on this.

I'm a teacher but I work through the summer on lesson prep and safeguarding issues. I've been working on my phone a bit this week while looking after the kids, in public too
Are you saying that if your child came to you, tried to engage you in a conversation about what they are doing or seeing, you would totally ignore them and pretend they were not talking to you, even when they kept trying to get your attention, and would you finally snap and shout at them to leave you alone because you are working? As a teacher, I would hope not. Because that's what we are talking about.

As for 15 hours, if it had been introduced to encourage mothers to go back to work it would only be awarded on this condition, that they start work. It isn't.

The only person there was the op and she felt strong enough about it to post

So what. Some people post because they're upset their postman doesn't walk faster. Doesn't mean they're right.

I don’t know why people are are having a go at her when we all know that plenty of children are ignored and have parents who aren’t able to parent well, whatever their circumstances.

Because she doesn't know what was going on in this snapshot of a day. She deserves the arse she's been handed on a plate. Judgmental people SHOULD be called out more

@vivainsomnia

I'm a teacher but I work through the summer on lesson prep and safeguarding issues. I've been working on my phone a bit this week while looking after the kids, in public too Are you saying that if your child came to you, tried to engage you in a conversation about what they are doing or seeing, you would totally ignore them and pretend they were not talking to you, even when they kept trying to get your attention, and would you finally snap and shout at them to leave you alone because you are working? As a teacher, I would hope not. Because that's what we are talking about.

As for 15 hours, if it had been introduced to encourage mothers to go back to work it would only be awarded on this condition, that they start work. It isn't.

If I am busy liaising with the parties I need to liaise with to ensure this pupil is not only settling in to her new homes but also not self harming, then she needs me more than my son at that moment. I always tell them if I'm working on my phone and they need to leave me alone so yes I might ignore him if he tries to get My attention anyway. Or say "I'm working don't disturb me". Not sorry. If you'd like to make a safeguarding referral please PM me for my details.

And you're wrong about the 15 hours - there's no expectation whatsoever of women going back to work if you maybe use your brain for a moment you might see that, by age 3, a mother may have even had another baby or 2. It's about the CHILD settling in to an educational setting. This is not rocket science people

Personally I'm all for letting kids know my enjoyment, peace and time is important too. All these people spending 100% appeasing their kids will probably wonder why, come the pre-teen years, they're basically invisible non entities to their children.

It's worse when they pick them up from school and don't even look up from their phone but in a coffee shop that might be the only time they have had to them selves all day 🤷‍♀️.
But they could have made sure he was entertained with something too.

Is there a large speech bubble that appears over the heads of parents who are ‘entertaining themselves’ on their phones eg ‘I’M SCROLLING MINDLESSLY THROUGH FB’ as distinct from parents who are juggling work and childcare in the summer holidays when a lot of the usual summer camps etc aren’t happening? If I’m on my phone when I’m out, I am answering work emails that can’t wait.

"Looking at their phone" could mean anything from mindlessly watching cat videos, MN, reading the paper, paying the bills, dealing with a crisis at a parent's care home, supporting a bereaved friend, booking doctor and dentist appointments or fun activities for the rest of the holiday or working.

You have no idea.

My god people can everyone please stop using the word 'judge' the whole time as though it's a brand knew word and concept.! It's such a ridiculous Americanisation of our language. The word is 'form an opinion' and anyone who says they don't is a lier.

We form opinions wrt EVERYONE we meet. Positive, Negative and neutral . Just as we do when we look at certain behaviours . So to answer the questions OP - yes I would of formed a negative opinion of two parents who stared at their phones for over an hour whilst their child ran amok from boredom .

Yes of course they could both be trying to run a humanitarian relief organisation from their phones in a cafe whilst also sorting out six weeks worth of fun but educational play dates . However, I think we all know they were almost certainly scrolling through FB/IG/Twitter because it's more interesting than talking to a child.

My god people can everyone please stop using the word 'judge' the whole time as though it's a brand knew word and concept.! It's such a ridiculous Americanisation of our language. The word is 'form an opinion' and anyone who says they don't is a lier.

But people in 'forming an opinion' are judging someone - as being lazy/shitty/whatever. What other word would describe this it's not an American word either

I wouldn't leave my 5yo (or any child) with nothing to do.

But days out and holidays, the only time I can sit down and look at my phone (and check with work and things that need to be done) is when we sit down for diner.

Unless you have a way to know if parents looking at their phone are wasting time on MN or random social media, YAB very U.