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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think that parents who stare at their phone and completely blank their children are a bit shit really.

264 replies

gingganggooleywotsit · 31/07/2021 12:14

Ok I am being judgey and I know I’m only seeing a snapshot of someone’s life but it’s really upsetting me. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for a couple of hours doing a bit of work and there is a couple there with a 5 year old boy and they are literally glued to their phones. He’s having to hit them round the head practically to get them to look at him. He has nothing to play with keeps nearly running in the traffic and they will not look up from their phones. Little boy looks really upset. Yeah they might be working too I’ve been there wiith my kids but give the boy something to do or at least make eye contact occasionally! It’s like he’s invisible. 😞

OP posts:
nanbread · 31/07/2021 22:05

@StrangeToSee

A child of 5 is old enough to bring his own toys along, read a book, people watch etc.

Maybe his parents both had urgent work emails to answer?

Since they were out as a family maybe they’d just been to a museum or swimming or focused on their son all morning, then needed lunch time to catch up with work?

A 5 year old is capable of not running into traffic, and sitting still without being talked to for half an hour. It’s not like they were ignoring a toddler or letting a 3 year old run riot.

Not all 5 year olds are capable actually. My 8 year old couldn't do this.

Maybe this boy is, or not, but regardless he was clearly desperate for his parents' attention and it sounds like they didn't even take a 1 minute break to eg set him up with an activity, acknowledge him.

Maybe he was acting up in there because he was attention starved. A child who'd had his parents' focused attention for hours would probably have been ok in the cafe and not acting like the child in question.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:10

YABVU

more and more people are WFH and being expected to WFH while looking after kids. and this can mean using their phone for work. I've done it plenty this last year! And it's easier to do it where the kids might be distracted.

I can't imagine what kind of big girls blouse would be 'really upset' over this. Try working in child safeguarding if you think parents on a phone is upsetting

nimbuscloud · 31/07/2021 22:12

@StrangeToSee
Wtf ? A 5 year old should bring his own toys, books and people watch?
And if you read the op’s post his parents were on their phones for a couple of hours - not 30 minutes.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:13

@Panickingpavlova

I was a sahm for about 6 years, with my school for every second of the day attending to evry single whim, cry, need etc without a break or anyone to help. Parks, soft play etc were a chance for me to mentally escape momentarily..
Yes exactly!

My kids would not appreciate it either if I constantly tried to interact with them whilst they're playing at soft play. They'd be Hmm and would tell me to go sit down

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:16

[quote LaraDecouvrie]@DingDongThongs bit of a leap. Our child was very much wanted but we are entitled to a few minutes peace. Parents constantly entertaining their children is a relatively new thing[/quote]
Agree.

I'm also a big believer in letting your kids know that YOUR time is important too. If you allow them to think you'll drop everything for every second they want your attention, don't complain when they don't see you as a person but rather some sort of unpaid maid.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:21

You can witness this everyday in all sorts of places. It is usually women phone addicts, who are so taken up with their phones, that they are in another world, even with their children with them..

Or @1forAll74 maybe it isn't 'women phone addicts' maybe it's that women do the vast majority of the mental load and because everything is done on phones these days - shopping, booking things for the kids, booking things for you, keeping in touch with people, arranging play dates, arranging doctors appointments etc.

But yeah I'm sure they're all just on Instagram Hmm

Actually do you know what even if they were just on Instagram who actually gives a fuck? More power to them I say. Parenting is hard, it's thankless, and apparently there are judgy cunts everywhere crying into their cappuccinos over someone else being on a phone, why can't a woman get a few minutes respite to do something SHE enjoys?

I mean heaven forbid a mother take an interest in anything but her child. Burn, witches, burn!

nimbuscloud · 31/07/2021 22:21

The op was in a cafe
Not soft play
Not a park
2 parents
1 child
Couple of hours

Lamby1234 · 31/07/2021 22:22

I think lots of us judge in the first instance but then remember that all parents have done things we'd rather others don't see. I remember taking my 6 month old and 2 year old to a playgroup the morning I was told my dad had a heart attack. I was constantly checking my phone for updates. You have no idea what has happened on that person's life.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:23

@Loubiemoo

I saw one today with their phone fixed to the pushchair handle playing a cartoon for the baby.
Fucking hell calm down, it's a cartoon not hardcore porn
VestaTilley · 31/07/2021 22:24

YANBU at all.

That poor little boy Sad there’s no excuse for it- a bit of phone time is one thing, but provide toys for you’d child and look up when he speaks to you. Awful.

InsideNumberNine · 31/07/2021 22:25

Honestly? You've been sitting in a cafe watching two parents ignore a five year old for two whole hours??

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:28

I was last year on the train back home, 2 hours journey. 4 seats facing. A mum was there with her boy who looked about 5, whose was on his first train journey. For more than 1/2 hour, he kept saying 'mum, mum, mum, look there's a horse, look mum, there's a tractor, mum, where do you think the other train is going. Mum, why did we stop'. He was adorable, so excited, so engrossed

He may be adorable to you but if someone has that all day every day it's fucking annoying. Unless you expect 100% of the time for parents to say "Gosh darling how lovely, tell me your favourite thing about tractors".

Has the thought ever occurred to anyone that these women are in the throes of depression but have to take care of their kids anyway and perhaps they're trying not to spiral into a suicidal place? Or must we grin and bear it less the judgy cunts on the train get upset?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 22:31

@JustGiveMeGin

15 hours of free childcare even to children with SAHP. Why would they do that if it wasn't for the evidence that too many children lack social interaction and stimulation at home? It was part of a drive to get unemployed people back to work by reducing the cost of childcare wasn't it? Also, votes...'look how much this government gives to families'. Never once have I heard the 15 hours free childcare was to give social interaction to children whos mothers own a smart phone but im sure someone will be along with the evidence soon.
It's mainly to introduce children into an educational setting so it's not BOOM 5 days a week from age 4 after having no experience of childcare whatsoever
Lokdok · 31/07/2021 22:51

Oh mind your business! I take my kids to the park so they can play while I do admin on my phone. Better than leaving them cooped up while I’m on my computer at home. When I take them swimming they ride my back and I turn into a shark / mermaid whatever the game requires. I’m an engaged mum but stuff needs to get done!

Queenie6655 · 31/07/2021 22:54

You never ever know

I would have had moments of sitting staring at my phone when I fled DV with a young daughter

Emailing people
DV advisors , MET police for the investigation etc

So someone looking in may think wow there's a shit parent

Really I was trying my best to get by and sort things out

Oceanbliss · 31/07/2021 23:06

@gingganggooleywotsit Another way to look at it is the parents may have been using a behaviour guidance strategy where you ignore misbehaviour and reward good behaviour. I have heard both parents and teachers claiming that it is very effective.

I’ve tried it but I’m not very good at it.

StrangeToSee · 01/08/2021 07:08

I was last year on the train back home, 2 hours journey. 4 seats facing. A mum was there with her boy who looked about 5, whose was on his first train journey. For more than 1/2 hour, he kept saying 'mum, mum, mum, look there's a horse, look mum, there's a tractor, mum, where do you think the other train is going. Mum, why did we stop'. He was adorable, so excited, so engrossed

How do you know it was his first journey?

It sounds far from adorable to me. It sounds annoying and if he were my 5 year old I’d be shushing him and encouraging him to think in his head not aloud (because it’s annoying for most people around you to hear a running commentary about what he can see, he’s 5 not 2). And many people use train journeys to work. I take my kids on the train a lot, as babies and toddlers I interacted with them but at 5 I’d expect some peace and quiet, no raised voices etc.

The parents in the cafe may have been trying to work or reply to their boss or sort out important admin or doctors appointments. Before you turned up they may have been having a chat with their son then reminded him not to interrupt them for a bit as they had important work to do. If he kept trying to get their attention why would they keep making eye contact and giving it to him? Some kids get more persistent if you look at them. They need to understand parents can be physically present but not constantly available for interaction.

When we go out my DD (5) has her own backpack that she stuffs full of toys, books, colouring stuff. Because she knows there might be an hour of 2 when she has to entertain herself eg if we’re having lunch with friends or catching up on work. (To be fair I gave her the backpack as I got fed up of my handbag being crammed with dinosaurs, dolls and crayons!) For all you know they could have told him to bring some toys and he refused or threw a strop about having to carry his backpack.

I remember going to my mum’s keep fit classes age 4-5. I had to sit for an hour very quietly without disturbing her, as did any other kids who came. I always took my colouring. Often I was the only child there.

At 5 most kids are in school (with 2 adults to 30 kids) and don’t need constant attention.

For all you know the boy had been acting up all day and ignoring him was a strategy to de-escalate him. Unless you stared at them unblinkingly for 2 hours it’s impossible to know if they made eye contact or spoke to him at any point.

I get your point about it’s sad when kids are ignored for hours because the parents are on social media all day. But what you saw was a tiny snapshot of their day.

Perhaps they thought a cafe might be more entertaining for him than being stuck at home?

StrangeToSee · 01/08/2021 07:16

I saw one today with their phone fixed to the pushchair handle playing a cartoon for the baby

You would have judged me then 😂 I used to let my toddler have a rubber-coated tablet to play sorting games on when I had to navigate. So I’d be pushing the buggy with one hand to follow google maps on my phone with the other, and toddler had a tablet!

IHateFlies · 01/08/2021 07:37

I knew you’d get a hard time on this op. A couple of hours and the child has nothing to do does sound rubbish. This is totally different to soft play or the park where the children are playing and having fun or in a cafe where the mum is occasionally look up but doing something on the phone while everyone is having a break.

The truth is, there are so many parents addicted to their phones and there are many parents who ignore their kids. They exist and it’s far from ideal.

Onlinedilema · 01/08/2021 07:38

I agree with Ihateflies

Chouxchou · 01/08/2021 07:41

You don’t know their whole life. They could have spent several hours taking them places and playing with them and just needed a break. At the moment almost every children’s activity needs to be booked online in advance so I spend a lot of time doing that.

IHateFlies · 01/08/2021 07:45

@Chouxchou be honest. Do you you think those kind of parents would spend 2 hours ignoring their child?
I think the op picked up on exactly what was going on.

newnortherner111 · 01/08/2021 07:45

People engaged in their phones instead of doing something else such as having a conversation is not just confined to those out with young children.

I remember a cafe on the Isle of Skye that was proud to note that they did not have wifi, so as to encourage conversation and admiring the beautiful view.

AutumnLeafDance · 01/08/2021 07:51

I think as a parent you should model the sort of behaviour you want to see from your child later on. I certainly wouldn't want my child glued to their phone, refusing to engage in conversation with me (or anyone else for that matter) at the dinner table in the future, so I'm very mindful of my own phone usage in front of them now. These parents will just have to reap what they sow later on - and maybe they couldn't care less because they'll still be glued to their own phones?

HarrisMcCoo · 01/08/2021 08:01

[quote nimbuscloud]@StrangeToSee
Wtf ? A 5 year old should bring his own toys, books and people watch?
And if you read the op’s post his parents were on their phones for a couple of hours - not 30 minutes.[/quote]
Exactly. My 5yo would run amok and can't be trusted in a shop to people watch. He is a flight risk and you can't relax with a coffee in his presence. I don't look at my phone when out and about with him for this very reason. Complete opposite of family OP is describing! I would love to trust mine to do just that but it seems he isn't capable due to additional needs.