Aibu to think that parents who stare at their phone and completely blank their children are a bit shit really.

[gingganggooleywotsit]

Ok I am being judgey and I know I’m only seeing a snapshot of someone’s life but it’s really upsetting me. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for a couple of hours doing a bit of work and there is a couple there with a 5 year old boy and they are literally glued to their phones. He’s having to hit them round the head practically to get them to look at him. He has nothing to play with keeps nearly running in the traffic and they will not look up from their phones. Little boy looks really upset. Yeah they might be working too I’ve been there wiith my kids but give the boy something to do or at least make eye contact occasionally! It’s like he’s invisible. 😞

Umm
"Judge:
verb - form an opinion or conclusion about."

So what if people 'form an opinion' - not all opinions are valid.

I could form the opinion that a child with additional needs just needs a good smack (before someone bites my head off I don't think this but plenty of people do) - doesn't mean it's valid.

And deciding that a parent on their phone is shitty or on social media isn't a valid one either.

Dr Brian Cox says it better than I can

yes I would of formed a negative opinion

God would people stop using "of" instead of "have"? It's such a ridiculous misuse of our language.

If I am busy liaising with the parties I need to liaise with to ensure this pupil is not only settling in to her new homes but also not self harming, then she needs me more than my son at that moment. I always tell them if I'm working on my phone and they need to leave me alone so yes I might ignore him if he tries to get My attention anyway. Or say "I'm working don't disturb me". Not sorry. If you'd like to make a safeguarding referral please PM me for my details
For a start, it's a bit concerning that you would making such safeguarding calls in a public area! However, focusing on the topic, I am assuming that you are not on the phone for 30 mns, totally ignoring your child for all that time? Because that' what we are talking about.

(And you're wrong about the 15 hours - there's no expectation whatsoever of women going back to work hmm.if you maybe use your brain for a moment you might see that, by age 3, a mother may have even had another baby or 2. It's about the CHILD settling in to an educational setting. This is not rocket science people*
Use my brain? Maybe you might want to read properly what is written, especially being a teacher! This was exactly my point!!!! There is no expectation to work. the 15h free is available for everyone because research have shown that children lacking mental and social interaction and stimulation under the age of 4 are at a disadvantage already. The 15h free is to try as much as possible to give every child an opportunity to succeed in their education regardless of their social cultural background. It has nothing to do with expecting mothers to go back to work.

I take my kids on the train a lot, as babies and toddlers I interacted with them but at 5 I’d expect some peace and quiet, no raised voices etc
Who said raised voices? Do you have an issue with adults having a quiet conversation too? There is nothing wrong with a conversation between an adult and a 5 year old when the adult teach the child to do so in a quieter voice. It doesn't have to be for the full journey either. It is so sad to see how many parents seem to think that kids should just be quiet. I don't like kids being loud at all, drives me insane but a kid having a quiet conversation, showing curiosity with his environment is lovely.

*Dr Brian Cox says it better than I can
*
Yes, but he does use the word 'demonstrably' which changes everything.

Obviously if this is happening all day then yes they're a bit shit. But you are only seeing a snapshot and have no idea what is going on in their lives. For all you know they could be dealing with the death of a family member, facing bankruptcy or just have severe burnout from the fact that it's the summer holidays, they've been with their kid 24/7 and just need to have a break from the constant demands of parenthood! If you'd seen them an hour earlier it probably would have been a different story- you have no clue.

I try not to judge because life can be hard, people need to be given a break.

Some posters just piling on here.
Ok simply said she had observed both parents ignoring a young child being ignored and running in traffic.
That is very poor parenting and I think most of you jumping in with sarcasm would also think it was not right.a child's safety and welfare comes first.
Or are you saying you'd do your coffee break/breather/domestic admin and allow your young dc to do this?

@CakeandGo

I'm stealing that picture!! So, so true. Sick of these "isn't this shit parenting" threads.

Here it is again, for anyone else who might be having a judgemental moment ....

whatever you do, you WILL be judged for bad parenting anyway.
Either by busy bodies who have a strong idea about parenting - and no child which always makes parenting easier, or by lazy parents who need to look down at others to comfort themselves they are not the worst parents themselves.

Judge away..

@Hemingwaycat

If you follow the parents all day and notice this is a theme throughout then yes, it’s shitty parenting. If it’s just a snapshot of someone’s day then you’re being a judgmental twat.

For all you know they’ve taken them out for the day and answered their 100000 questions about dinosaurs and space and poo and now they’re completely exhausted so just want to sit on their phone for a bit.

Love your second paragraph. So true. 😂

Here it is again, for anyone else who might be having a judgemental moment
That poster is doing the exact same thing. Making assumption that everyone on their phone has been super mum for hours before then. The other extreme side.

The reality is that for every mum totally ignoring her kids (and again, we are not talking about a kid in his pushchair with mum checking the text she just received but kids who are ignored for many minutes despite the kid desperately to get positive attention) who was super mum just before, they will be many who sadly will act like this on a daily basis, either because she doesn't know how to interact positively with her children, or because she finds it a chore and can't be bothered.

For all you know they’ve taken them out for the day and answered their 100000 questions about dinosaurs and space and poo and now they’re completely exhausted so just want to sit on their phone for a bit
We've all been there indeed, but in this instance, this usually result in a 'darling, I've spent the last 3 hours talking to you about dinosaurs, mum is tired now and need a bit of peace and quiet, can you just look at the window, around you, talk in your head.... etc.... rather than blankly ignoring them or telling them to shut up.

@vivainsomnia

No one said anything about "super mum". Those pictures accurately sum up most of my days and I don't see myself even close to super mum. I'm just being an average mum and doing what is required to parent my child. I think the point is that it reflects a reality for many parents as opposed to intending to convey that you've gone above and beyond and been perfect.

@vivainsomnia

For all you know they’ve taken them out for the day and answered their 100000 questions about dinosaurs and space and poo and now they’re completely exhausted so just want to sit on their phone for a bit We've all been there indeed, but in this instance, this usually result in a 'darling, I've spent the last 3 hours talking to you about dinosaurs, mum is tired now and need a bit of peace and quiet, can you just look at the window, around you, talk in your head.... etc.... rather than blankly ignoring them or telling them to shut up.

How do you or OP know whether something like this was or wasn't said to the child? Unless she was staring at them intently for the entire time and watching every little interaction (or lack thereof allegedly) - which let's face it would make OP a little bit odd - how on earth does she know what was or wasn't said? That's the whole point, isn't it. You don't know. Hence why I like to refrain from judgement in these situations.

I wouldn't do it in a cafe or such like but at the park etc then yes, you'll see me zoning out for a while on my phone. What you don't see is the constant attention and running around after my daughter all day, every day, 6:30-8:30 and sometimes beyond, plus all the other mentally taxing crap I have to do on a day. I'm entitled to a mental break for half an hour. If you want to judge me as a bad mother for that snippet of a day you're seeing then judge away tbh.

My god people can everyone please stop using the word 'judge' the whole time as though it's a brand knew word and concept.! It's such a ridiculous Americanisation of our language.

It's in the fecking BIBLE.

Wow this country hates children so much. We have all the time in the world to be boring adults. To suppress a 5 year old child's curiosity, joy and wonder at the world, and desire to share it with you, for your own peace and quiet is just depressing

Far from it. Nobody is suppressing the 5 year old’s curiosity, joy and wonder about the world. Just encouraging her to experience these things in her head without a running commentary or expecting the parent to keep validating that she’s seen a cow out of the window.

Children need to learn to think rather than express a stream of consciousness verbally. This is vital to learning and social interactions, classroom behaviour. There are places and times parents share that joy and wonder with them. A train, library, cafe or other ‘quiet’ place where people are working isn’t an appropriate place for a 5 year old to think out loud all the time or demand attention from adults.

I'm just being an average mum and doing what is required to parent my child. I think the point is that it reflects a reality for many parents as opposed to intending to convey that you've gone above and beyond and been perfect
It reflects the reality for the majority of mums who are good mums. Can't you see that sadly, some kids don't have the chance to have a mum who does all those things with them? That some mums never play with their kids? That some mums rarely engage in conversation with their kids but to give them orders?

That some mums don't even know how to do these things because their mum never did with them.

Like others have said. It’s a snapshot.

Also, maybe that’s their break. It’s significantly easier to be a great parent if you have a big active support network and family nearby who give you regular breaks. If you don’t have any other opportunity to rest, zonking out on your phone for a bit isn’t the worst way to get one.

YABU I'm disabled and suffer hugely from fatigue every moment of every day. I stare at my phone as it stops me falling asleep so I CAN take my children out of the house

Don't judge, not every disability is visible

How do you or OP know whether something like this was or wasn't said to the child?
The examples I'm thinking of is places like doctors waiting rooms, trains and train stations, buses, airports, places where everyone sit and wait and you get plenty of time to observe from the time the family comes in the vicinity.

I don't automatically make an assumption because indeed, you never 100% know and I would certainly never say anything, but there are certain characteristics you notice, and yes, I have felt quite sorry for the children who seem to get so little attention and their behaviour seem to reflect it.

Children need to learn to think rather than express a stream of consciousness verbally And to learn to think, they need stimulation.

A train, library and cafe are not places to work, indeed, libraries have places that encourage interactions and places to work quietly. Once again, it's not about kids being able to be loud and the centre of attention, it's kids needing interaction to learn.

Do you have an issue with adults having a quiet conversation too? There is nothing wrong with a conversation between an adult and a 5 year old when the adult teach the child to do so in a quieter voice. It doesn't have to be for the full journey either

Of course there’s nothing wrong with it if the parent (or two adults) want to have a quiet conversation. But if one adult is busy working, or wants some quiet, you wouldn’t carry on demanding their attention would you? They’d say ‘I need to work for a bit now’ or ‘I’ve got a headache let’s talk about this later’.

If my child is quietly engaged in colouring or reading I wouldn’t keep disrupting her or demanding she look at things I find interesting. Or keep up a running commentary to interrupt her focus eg ‘what a lovely day, what pretty clouds, look how the sun gleams on that lake. Oh DD did you see that horse in the field? Look did you see the swan? Oh we’re going into a tunnel how exciting, look DD, look!’

Children above toddler age need to learn when chattering at a parent is appropriate and when it’s disruptive. They wouldn’t interrupt their teacher constantly so why should their parent respond to their every word?

It just makes me wonder what they would have done back in the days before mobiles and internet.
Why take your child to a cafe or a restaurant etc if you're not going to spend that time with them. How are you going to teach them social manners if you're glued to your phone?
You can do your online shop and bookings when at home and they're in bed or watching TV.
Sad that many parents prefer their phone over their children.
Not a popular view I know, but there we go.

And to learn to think, they need stimulation

Yes. But not constant stimulation all day long. A 5 year old will have to think at school without talking all the time. A train journey is stimulating enough, they don’t need to share every discovery with their parent.

As long as they get plenty of interaction with parents at other times, there’s nothing wrong with expecting them to be quiet for a couple of hours.

And people do work on trains, in libraries and cafes. Including parents.